Chinese Women, Asian Women, Online Dating & Things Chinese and Asian
Beautiful
Chinese
Women
of
CLM
Beautiful
Asian
Women
of
ALM
Imi was born and raised in Europe, Hungary. After finishing his school years, he moved to Canada to search for a better life. He lived in Toronto for 13 years and currently resides in Vancouver. He is a romantic at heart with a strong desire to always do the right thing. He would like to give hope to the Chinese and Asian ladies with his story and send a message that love eventually finds everybody.
Articles :
67
Views :
318885
Comments :
1529
Create Time :
2013-12-02
This Blog's Articles
Index of Blogs
Index Blog Articles

My Love for Lily 我对百合的爱, Part 18 - It's Raining in my Heart 心的雨季    

By Imi
6996 Views | 22 Comments | 7/22/2014 9:11:26 AM

Breaking up with someone you dearly love is one of life's most difficult moments.

The following few weeks had been like a roller coaster ride. One day she was sad and depressed, asking me to find another nice Chinese woman who wasn't sick in the head. The next day she was happy and asking me about our future and telling me. “I know for fact that you will be my future husband.”

I knew, she was depressed, I wanted to be strong for her and giving her positive thoughts all the time by telling her about Canada and our future together.

I even checked a private school online for Jeff and when I told her about it she said,

“When you talk about Jeff I feel something very good in my heart and feel happy.”

But the good days were less and less as the weeks went by. She lost weight. She wasn't able to eat. She started telling me negative things.

“I know, I am depressed. I know that also, one day, you , Jeff and all of my friends won't want to see me anymore.”

“Don't say that! I will never leave you! I want to help you! You just need to listen to me! You know that I was depressed when I lost my money, but I had to go on. I made myself busy by going to the

gym, working a lot, eating right, keeping myself healthy. You should do the same. You are just sitting at home doing nothing but let your past to control your life and thinking about yourself as a failed mother. You need to go for a walk in Lotus park, do some exercises, you need to go back to work and let your mind to think about something else other than how you ruined your life and Jeff's. I know you can do it. My mother always told me, “If there is a problem we need to find the way how to solve it.” Lily, you just need to think positive about yourself and your life.” I tried to put some enthusiasm into her.

“I'll try to do it, I promise! Imi, why are you always at my side when I have problems? Do you remember when we met and I had problems? Even then you were at my side.”

“hahaha...It's easy to answer. It's called love. Being there for each other in good times and bad.”I said

“Even now, when I make you sad with my mood changing day by day?”

“Yes. My heart is always with you. I can't change that! You need me more right now, than ever before and I want to be here for you!” I said to her.

“I have nothing to give you but head aches in the future because I have a son and you will be responsible for him and for me too. I have no money to help you with, if we got married.” she said.

“Don't talk like this Lily! I am a man! I know what I want and I know what I am capable of. You have everything what I want, you just have to be brave and let me have it. I know you don't have money. What you have though is my future!”I said

“Do you know why I keep telling you to find another woman for yourself?”she asked.

“No.”

“Because I am afraid of if I fell in love with you, I wouldn't be able to see you everyday. I don't want to experience that kind of feeling. You live in Vancouver and you can't come to visit me because now you have to work hard to get your lost money back.”She said

“I see. You need to look at this like we need to work together from now on and sacrifice these couple of years for our future. After that we are going to be together everyday, for the rest of our lives. I think you are going to get bored of me after awhile and want to go back to your solitary life in Shenzhen.”

“hehehehe...NO!”she said.

She was very tired after 10 years of loneliness. I wanted to help her, but I still needed time to get back on my feet and I wasn't sure she would give me the time.

Then one day, she asked me again if I could give her time to think about us because she feels herself really down. I wrote a message to her and said,

“Hi Lily, of course I can give you time, you need to think about a lot of things. I want you to know that though, whatever your decision will be, I just want you to be happy either with me or with another good man. Imi “

I knew I was losing her again. The demons in her head were there for 24/7. The time we spent chatting was not enough to win the battle for my favour. I lost her two weeks later, on a rainy October day, when I was driving on the highway, going to work. She sent a message to my phone on QQ, it said,

“Imi, I really hope you will be happy in your life and please don't wait for me! My heart now is only Jeff and my work. I have no time and energy to look for my future. I am really sorry! I hope you will soon find the woman who can make you happy in your life! I didn't mean to hurt you!”

If we really love someone, sometimes we need to let them go. It's easy to say, not so easy to do.

I missed her very much, but I understood her. She was afraid of  giving me the chance to make her happy.

She had a son and as a mother, her priority was Jeff's well being and education. If we got married, Lily would have lost every kind of support from her ex husband. I wasn't in the kind of situation to take over this support financially. She needed a wealthier man, who would have been able to take over her ex husband's role, right away if they got married. Or she could have waited until Jeff's school years finished and then got married to a man, but this was out of the question. She had been living alone for 10 years at that moment. She really needed to feel herself safe and loved by a man. Unfortunately, it wasn't me.

I went back to the dating site to read the blogs and learn more about Chinese women. Lily had deleted her profile, I had never seen her there anymore. I tried to talk with a few ladies, but my head just wasn't there. I was just wasting their times. Mostly they told me about there experiences with other men and I tried to give them advices. I became a “soul doctor.” I was listening to them, but they wanted more and I wasn't fair with them. Then, I started compliment them in short messages and wished them good luck with their search. I wanted to give them some kind of hope for the future even though I had lost mine. After awhile I stopped and put my profile invisible. I just used the site for reading the blogs.

One day, I checked the first Chinese dating site, that I used when I met with Lily and saw a girl there. There was something very appealing about her in one of her photos. She was standing in front of some kind of white shelves in her living room, holding a big coffee mug that looked like wanted to break her wrist. Watching that photo made me calm and felt myself in peace and I didn't know why. From that day on, if I felt a little bit down I went on the site and looked at that photo. I never contacted her.

One morning, I tried to find new blogs on ChinaLoveMatch.net while I was eating my breakfast and saw the same photo of that girl that I liked to watch on the other site. She had her own blog here on CLM. It's called,

“ The End of Our Relationship”. I started reading it, after 3-4 parts I realized that this was what I needed. A real Chinese woman telling her own experiences and feelings in a relationship. Finally, I would be able to understand by her experience how Chinese women think. I was very happy.

The girl's name was Zoe.

接下来的几周,我和Lily之间就像坐过山车一样,她的情绪时而抑郁哀伤,让我不要再理她,去找一个适合我的女人,时而又阳光明媚,欢快地跟我谈论我们的未来,并告诉我,“我就知道你会是我未来的老公。”

我知道她有些抑郁,我尽力让她感受到我的坚强,让她对我们将来在加拿大的生活充满信心。我甚至在网上为Jeff查了一所私立学校。

“当你为我儿子做这些时,我觉得很温暖。”

可我感受到她的阴晴不定,她高兴的时候越来越少,她更加消瘦,没有胃口吃饭,又开始说些很消极的话。

“我知道自己很抑郁,也知道终有一天,你,Jeff,和所有的朋友都会离我而去”。

“别那么想,我永远不会离你而去!我要帮助你!你要听我的话!当我损失那么一大笔钱时,我也很压抑,但我强迫自己向前看,让自己忙起来,忙工作,忙健身,做饭吃,保持健康。你也该试着这么做,不要只坐在家里,沉郁在过去的日子里,想着自己多么失败。你该下楼到花园里散散步,做做锻炼,或者工作,想想别的事情,而不是整天叹息你如何毁了自己和Jeff的生活。我母亲经常说‘出现了问题,就要想办法解决’。Lily,你要积极地面对自己和生活。”我努力让她生活的热情些。

“我会努力按你说的做,Imi,我保证!你为什么对我这么好,总在我身边,即使我们当初见面时,你知道我心里的问题,可你还是对我很好。”

“哈哈,这很容易回答,这就是爱,无论开心还是忧伤,都要在对方身边支持她保护她。”我说。

“即使像现在,我情绪多变,让你难过,你也不会变吗?”

“我的心在你那里,我无法改变!你现在心情不好,更需要我。”

“我什么都给不了你,未来只会带给你麻烦,我有儿子,将来我们结婚了你不仅要为我,还要为我儿子负责,我又没有钱来减轻你的负担。”

“不要那么说,Lily!我是个男人,我知道自己想要的,也知道自己能给的。你有我想要的一切,你只要勇敢一些,就给了我想要的。我知道你没有钱,可你有我的未来!”

“你知道我为什么老告诉你去找个更适合你的女人吗?”

“为什么?”

“因为如果我爱上你,我就想天天看到你。可你住在温哥华,因为要努力工作赚钱,又不能来看我,我不想要这种你不在我身边的生活。”

“我明白。但你要这么想,就像我们现在在共同努力工作,我们牺牲了这一两年的时间,但未来的日子我们就可以天天在一起。我还怕你将来会烦我,想着要回深圳呢。”

“呵呵呵呵,那不可能!”她回答。

她独自生活了10年,我希望能帮助她,但又担心她不会给我这个时间。

有一天,她又跟我说她需要时间再想想,她说自己心情很低落。

我给她发了信息,

Lily,我当然可以给你时间考虑,你需要考虑很多事情,请你相信,无论你的决定是什么,无论你最后选择我还是别的男人,我只希望你快乐。 --- Imi。

我知道我正在失去她,那只恶魔一天二十四小时都在她的脑子里。网上聊天的短暂时间不足以帮我赢得这场战斗。十月的一个雨天,我失去了她。当时我正在高速上开车去工作,在手机QQ上收到了她的留言:

“Imi,我真心的希望你幸福,请不要为我浪费时间!我的心里只有儿子和工作,我没有时间和精力去想我的未来。我很抱歉!希望你能找到一个让你快乐的女人!我不想伤害你。”

如果真的爱一个人,有时该学会放手!

然而说起来简单,实际是另一回事。

我很想念她,但也理解她。她是一个母亲,给儿子带来富裕的物质生活和良好的教育比自己的快乐更重要。如果我们结婚,她会失去前夫的所有物质上的支持,而我现在没有能力做到她前夫所给与的经济上的帮助。她需要一个富有的男人,一个能代替她前夫的角色,或者她等到儿子完成学业后再婚,可她现在两者都需要,需要能带给她幸福给她爱又能在经济上帮助她的男人,可是,这个男人不是我。但她不知道,我真的会给她幸福。

我又回到了那个交友网站,继续关注那里的博客和论坛,希望更多了解中国女人。Lily已经删掉了她的资料,我再没见她出现。我尝试跟几位女士交流,但心不在焉,我只是在浪费她们和自己的时间。更多情况下,她们会讲给我与别的男士交往的经历,我给出建议,我感觉自己成了一位“知心大哥”。我听她们诉说,我知道她们想要更多,想更进一步,但我明知自己给不了。最后我给每一位发了一封短信,祝她们好运,然后把自己的资料设置成隐藏,只把这个网站作为阅读博客和论坛的地方。

我又登陆了第一个网站,就是我找到Lily的地方,那天,我看到一个女孩的资料,她其中一张照片有种说不清的感觉。照片中她站在一个类似白色架子前,手捧一只咖啡杯,那只大咖啡杯似乎要把她细细的手腕坠断了。不知为何,看着她的照片,我的心慢慢平静了。那天起,如果我感觉内心焦虑情绪不高时,就打开这个网站,看她的照片。但是,我从来没有联系过她。

一个早上,我边吃早餐边在CLM上看有没有新的博客,也没忘了再看看那个女孩的照片。我发现她在CLM上发表了一组博客,名字叫“一段恋情的终结”。我开始阅读她的文字,读了几段后,我被深深吸引,意识到这就是我所需要的,一个真正的中国女人在一段恋情中的内心表白,我需要知道中国女人如何对待感情与爱情,对此,我心欣喜!

那个女孩的名字叫Zoe.


Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
Comments
(Showing 1 to 10 of 22) 1 2 3 More...
#2014-07-22 11:23:56 by prana @prana


Very grateful to you!
We are also very happy,
No longer worried, can not complete the arrangement of John "homework" was.

In the case of a person not understand,
Our comments are not correct.
You should be grateful to Lily,
She helps you found a a very good woman.
I guess,
You write this blog post,
It takes courage to.
But I did not think,
need to understand your people,
She is Zoe.
This is a very a good way.
Zoe, you and lmi two people, I can not guarantee that you can be together.
But I would understand,
You will know how to cherish each other.
Look forward to your good news.
Greetings!
非常感谢你!
我们也很开心,
不再担心,不能完成约翰布置的“功课”了。

在不了解某一个人的情况下,
我们的评论都是不正确的。
你应该感谢莉莉,
她帮助你找到了一位非常好的女子。
我猜想,
你写这篇博客文章,
是需要勇气的。
只是我没有想到,
需要了解你的人,
她就是Zoe。
这是一个非常好的办法。
Zoe,你和lmi两个人,我不能保证你们是否能在一起。
但是我会明白的,
你们会懂得珍惜对方的。
期待你们的好消息。
问好!

#2014-07-22 12:21:28 by zqy2014 @zqy2014

Congratulation lmi! A unexpected sad ending, bring a brand new start for you.. It says " when one door is closed for you, the another door is open for you". Failure or making mistake is always can't be avoided but we can learn not repeat the same mistake in the future. You are at the bottom of a latter now but it is always much better than you are on the top of the latter you don't want.... See you have ever been trying your best on what you want and you could say to yourself that " I really have already given me a best shot" at the day when you leave the world....

I also read Zoe's series blogs and I think she is a girl who is keen on the true love that you two may be suitable from that point. Wish you two could cherish every moment time you are with each other and write the most beautiful love chapter in the end..

Strong faith on true love is very important for the relationship especial cross cultural one.You both seems to be with this quality. If you are without that in your mind, you will never reach the other side of the river....

Best wishes for you...

Lily

#2014-07-22 12:29:34 by zqy2014 @zqy2014

This blog make me to think if we should try to keep ourselves to far away from those people who have been divorced for a long period such as 10 years? Are they have been used to be alone by his/herself and not very much suitable to enter into a relationship or marriage?

Besides, unstable mood or emotion is so fatal to the relationship? I have to accept it is very difficult to keep a stable/quiet mood or emotion under different circumstances.... Maybe we can discuss more on these topic in later time.

#2014-07-22 12:32:20 by fj1383 @fj1383

@Imi I'm glad to read that you're finally trying to move on. I know it's a hard and painful process but as I told you before, you'll be so damn happy Lily is gone from your life once you find yourself laying down in the arms of your true love. Certainly you need the passionate type, someone similar to you with a strong belief in love and family. I hope by now you realized that practical women can't learn about how to love, you can NOT ask a woman to believe in you or to feel a specific way about you as you did with Lily. In the end all her love to you, her belief in you and her confidence in you must originate from her, from her heart, from her soul. Don't settle down for any less Imi, I think most of us following your story believe that you surely deserve much better. There's definitely an amazing woman waiting for you and only you just around the corner, so don't lose faith either. Good luck man!

#2014-07-22 13:52:05 by whui @whui

My love for Lily, also love letter for Joe. Imi, you did good. Good luck.

#2014-07-22 15:39:08 by weiming @weiming

啊,看了My Love for Lily的第一篇,我翻阅了Zoe的所有文章,因为我看到翻译作者是Zoe,然后我感到你们两个的文风如此相近,都是一样真性情,总是跳跃又诗意地描述着自己内心的欣喜和哀伤,虽然有些做法旁人无法理解,但是你们都一样的真实和纯粹。我希望你们都有好的结果,包括莉莉,包括H,他们跟你们一样真实,都在努力寻找自己想要的生活。
突然想到《海上钢琴师》的一句台词Fuck the regulations,人生么,该绽放的时候就烟花般灿烂,该落幕的时候就完美谢幕,无怨无悔。

Ah, looked My Love for Lily's first chapter, I read all the articles of Zoe, because I saw the translation was Zoe, and then I felt the articles style is so similar of you, is the same true nature, always jumping and poetic description of your own inner joy and sadness, although some action others can’t understand, but you are the same as true and pure. I hope you have good results, including Lily, including H, as real as they are with you, are struggling to find the life you want.
Suddenly remembered a line of "The Legend Of 1900", fuck the regulations, what life is, as brilliant as fireworks bloomed, ending as the perfect curtain call, without complain and regret

#2014-07-22 15:49:08 by daydream @daydream

Hello lmi ,

It's sounds sad, but please don't feel broken heart ,she is not the woman who love you,but she used a seemingly noble an excuse to reject you, once I had the same experience, that time I just thought that I was still not perfect, but a few years later I was stupid that found that is not I was not good enough for the woman, just he used a perfect excuse to end our "love"...Yes, I'm not good enough, I'was just stupid! ,,,so, keep the heart of sunshine with smiling , Move On!!!

#2014-07-22 18:58:27 by anonymous11141 @anonymous11141

很多人看这个故事,都觉得Lily不是一个好女人。其实我非常理解lily,一个独身的女人一个带着儿子生活。渴望有一个人依靠,渴望有一个人爱。但是当一个男人真正出现时,对未来的不确定,不可知,增加了她的不安全感。离婚让我们知道,男人不可信,当我们离婚时,觉得一切都没有了,心也掏空了。唯一还就的就是工作,此时感觉工作比男人可靠。所以去国外就要辞掉工作,抛弃国内的一起,如果那个男人再对你不好,那么那时的境况又是怎样的呢?

#2014-07-22 19:32:01 by paulfox1 @paulfox1

Sometimes we just HAVE to move on - no matter how much it hurts

There are some people who fervently believe in 'Fate and Destiny' and there are those of us who are scared to admit we believe in it (myself included)

However. I heard on the news the other day that a stewardess on the Malaysian plane that was tragically shot-down (MH17) SHOULD have been on MH370 but she changed her shift

If that's not FATE then I don't know what is !

#2014-07-22 21:15:43 by panda2009 @panda2009

Imi + Zoe = Good match

I absolutely understand your stories and your feelings. And only you two can understand with each other fine.

Perfect interpretation!

Comments
(Showing 1 to 10 of 22) 1 2 3 More...
Comment
To respond to another member's comment type @ followed by their name before your comment, like this: @username Then leave a space. Ask Imi a Question : Click here...