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Imi was born and raised in Europe, Hungary. After finishing his school years, he moved to Canada to search for a better life. He lived in Toronto for 13 years and currently resides in Vancouver. He is a romantic at heart with a strong desire to always do the right thing. He would like to give hope to the Chinese and Asian ladies with his story and send a message that love eventually finds everybody.
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My Love for Lily 我对百合的爱, Part 10 - Reality vs. Dream 现实与梦想    

By Imi
12332 Views | 80 Comments | 5/5/2014 9:28:00 AM

When your dating Chinese women, or cross cultural dating with any foreign ethnicity, sometimes your dreams and their reality don't mesh. When that happens their reality will always win out, so be prepared to have dreams that evolve.

Lily got her American visa, but she didn't care, she was a mess. She had to break up with a man who gave her a little bit of hope after 9 years of being alone. It was like, she was starving for a long time and someone showed her the foods that she could have, but wasn't allowed to eat. She was hungry for love and male attention. She wanted to feel safe again with her son in a nice family. The opportunity for a better life was lost when the man told her a bad joke that triggered something in Lily.



When Lily was still young and just gave birth to Jeff, she and her husband  had to move 9 times in a period of 2 years because they were not able to pay their rent. They were poor. She still remembered vividly, carrying baby Jeff on her arms almost every other month, moving from one apartment to the other. Fortunately, their luck turned and her husband got a good job and they started to live a better life.  Having a better life came with a price though that she had to pay for. Her husband cheated on her and she lost him for another woman. She was left behind with Jeff.



The good, happy family life that she had always been dreaming of, disappeared from her life. When the man from Canada ,told this joke about not eating properly after he had lost a lot of money, brought a lot of bad memories back to her. She was scared. She didn't want to find a rich man, but she didn't want to go back to a lifestyle where she had to worry about money either. She had thought about what to do over 5 days and then she decided that she had to break up with the man. She was afraid to move to a foreign country with Jeff because she knew, she wouldn't feel safe. As a mother, her priority was Jeff. She couldn't bring her son in to a precarious situation.



She was mad letting herself falling for this man. She felt the 9 years of being alone, pushing down on her shoulders with renewed effort. She was tired of fighting by herself everyday. She wanted to jump off from her balcony. Mandy was very concerned about her and since Lily had her American visa, she suggested to go and see her friend in Seattle. Mandy knew that Lily needed a break from her problems, even Jeff had started to rebel against her mother, he didn't want to study and was getting bad marks at school. It was just too much to handle at once. Mandy was coming from a rich family, she arranged her visa and they travelled to Seattle for two weeks.



I felt incredibly ashamed of myself after I talked to Mandy. I felt that I was being selfish, thinking about “my” pain, “my” heart being broken, “my” financial difficulties" and I hadn't thought about the consequences of my actions. Talking to Mandy, really opened my eyes about my situation. I lived in my own dream world. I wanted to have a beautiful Chinese wife, a nice family, a safe home, but I had no money to have all of those things.



If we really love someone, we want to give them a happy life and not bring them into an uncertain situation. The money that I lost would have been enough to get married, paying for the immigration papers and still enough money would have left for paying Jeff's private school for at least 3 years. Unfortunately, I didn't have that kind of money to do all of this at the moment.



She lived in reality, I didn't. No wonder, I lost her respect for me as a man! I wasn't proud of myself either. I was just a stupid man who wasn't capable of seeing things from another person's perspective. “And I wanted to have a family on my own? How? By being selfish? Solving problems without listening or asking her opinion about them? Promising her a happy life and wouldn't be able to keep my promise? I am nobody, with empty words, nothing more! If I ever want her back in my life, I need to step up and be a real man! A man who can back up his words.” I was mad at myself.



Mandy, also said that she would be very happy if Lily and I finally got together as a family. If she told me this, before I lost my money, I would have been happy. I started to see my real situation and I knew, if that ever was going to happen I would need to work at least 2 years, just being where I had been before.



My plan was to go to Shenzhen and try to talk with Lily about my 2 year plan and ask her to wait for me until I got back onto my feet financially and would be able to give her the life that she had always desired. It was a desperate plan, asking a woman who had been alone for almost 10 years, but I had to try it. “She might give me a chance.”



Lily拿到了去美国的签证,但她已经不在乎了,她的心情一团糟。九年的独居,终于有个男人给了他一丝希望,但她不得不跟他分手。就如一个饥饿的人终于看到属于自己的那一份饭食,却吃不到嘴里。她渴望被爱和收到异性的关爱,她渴望和儿子一起再拥有一个温暖的家,但那仅有的一丝过上好日子的希望被那个傻子因为一个玩笑扑灭了。



Lily还很年轻时就生下了Jeff, 那时和丈夫一起因为付不起房租,在两年内搬了九次家,她仍然清楚地记得,如何抱着小Jeff从这家搬到另一家。终于,幸运地,她丈夫找到一份好工作,他们的生活渐渐好了,可代价是丈夫爱上另一个女人,离开了她和Jeff。她一直梦想的幸福家庭也支离破碎,离她而去了。那个来自加拿大的男人,告诉她,因为损失了很多钱,穷的没法吃上饭,又把她带回过去那段朝不保夕的记忆。她很害怕,她并不想找个富有的男人,但她也不想再回到过去每天战战兢兢为钱担心的日子。她考虑了五天,最后决定跟这个男人分手。带着Jeff到另一个国家生活,她没有信心,也没有安全感。作为一个母亲,Jeff是她首先要考虑的,她不能让儿子过那种不安稳的生活。



她恨自己为什么任由自己的心陷入对这个男人的爱恋中,她感觉九年的独居压力好像重新聚集能量又一次向她的双肩压过来,她没有力气继续独自战斗,她想从阳台跳下去了断一切。Mandy很担心她,因为Jeff也开始叛逆了,总跟妈妈顶撞,不爱学习,考试成绩很差,她想Lily需要缓解心情,暂时把所有的问题先抛开,她劝Lily既然拿到了美国签证,那就一起到西雅图去散散心吧。Mandy家条件很好,她很快就办了美国签证,带着Lily到西雅图旅游两周。



Mandy的话让我羞愧不如,我才知道自己有多么自私,一直在想着“我的”痛苦,“我的”心碎,“我的”损失,可我从来没想过自己的行为给她的影响。Mandy让我睁开了双眼,我一直生活在自己的美梦里,我希望有个美丽的中国妻子,一个温暖安全的家,可我没有钱没有资格去拥有这些。如果我们真的爱一个人,我们会希望给她幸福的生活而非把她卷入流荡不安的困境。损失的那些钱,本来足够我们结婚,为Lily和Jeff办移民,还够为Jeff支付3年的私立学校的费用,可是,我现在没办法去完成这其中任何一项。



她生活在现实中,而我不是。难怪我失去了一个男人最基本的尊严!我为自己羞愧。我是多么愚蠢,根本没有从另一个人的角度去看事情。“我想有自己的家?如何去做?靠自己的自私吗?我为什么不听听她的意见?对她承诺一个幸福的生活却没法守住自己的诺言?我真是言语苍白,一文不值! 如果我还想她回到我的生活,我就得做个顶天立地的男人!一个能信守承诺的男人。”我发疯地在心里咒骂自己。



Mandy还说,她希望看到我和Lily 能走到一起。如果在以前,她的话会让我很开心。但现在我开始冷静地分析自己的情况,如果我想回到之前的经济在状况,至少需要两年的时间。



我打算到深圳去,跟Lily说,希望她等我两年,我一定会挣回损失的钱,那时我会给她她所渴望的生活。我知道,要一个已经孤独了10年的女人再等我两年,这很不合理,可我想试试,“也许,她会给我这个机会。”


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#2014-05-05 09:42:43 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

Well Imi, you've managed to turn this into an interesting roller coaster ride, and I think you've even brought around a few of the hard nosed sad bastards Paul talks about from thinking your series was nothing but a pile of mush to seeing some worthwhile depth in it. But I must admit that I'm joining the doubters about Lili's sincerity with you. I hope you prove us all wrong.

#2014-05-05 11:43:41 by kindhonestlady @kindhonestlady

钱不是一切,钱买不到爱情和快乐!无论是男性还是女性。以金钱为条件的婚姻最终还是是痛苦的!
money is not every thing . money can't buy love and happy ! in the end it is unhappy marriage if a man or women who want marry with money .

人有时是命中注定的,属于你的东西自然会来,不属于你的东西求也求不来,爱情是靠缘份,生活快乐与否主要是看个人的心态,而不是取决于他人,当然有完善的爱情更加完美!但世上没有十全十美的东西,没有一个人是完美的,常言道:人有一德,无才便是德!有的人没有才但有德这以足让他或她快乐!有的人有才但无德这样的他或她会快乐吗?
true love is dependen on fate . if you happy or not in your life that is dependen on your own not dependen on other els . of coure that will more happy and perfect if you have true love . no body is perfect in this world . there have an old words from chinese : every one are have one own avdantage .someone no talent but he or she caring and honest that make he or she happy enough in their life . someone have enough talent but he or she never honest and no caring . is he or she happy in their life ?

#2014-05-05 14:35:02 by Grace172 @Grace172

@Imi
“… she and her husband had to move 9 times in a period of 2 years because they were not able to pay their rent. They were poor. …. Fortunately, their luck turned and her husband got a good job and they started to live a better life. Having a better life came with a price though that she had to pay for. Her husband cheated on her and she lost him for another woman. She was left behind with Jeff.”

Imi, Many poor couples in China, they support each other and they both work hard to raise their children, they are poor but very happy.
I want to know what Lily did for her family at the time when they were poor. She just depended on her ex husband to get a good job to change the life. She did not go to work and help her husband? Was she a disabled woman? If so, no wonder her ex husband loved other woman.
在中国有很多贫困的夫妻,他们相互支持共同支撑和抚养他们的孩子。虽然他们很穷,但他们相互恩爱生活很幸福。
我想知道Lily在她的家庭情况处于困窘的时候,她为她的家庭做了什么贡献呢?她只是依靠她的前夫找到一份好工作来给他们带来好生活的吗?她没有出去工作帮助她丈夫共同抚养他们的孩子吗?难道她是残疾人吗?如果是这样的话,难怪她前夫爱上别的女人。

“When the man from Canada ,told this joke about not eating properly after he had lost a lot of money, brought a lot of bad memories back to her. She was scared. … She was afraid to move to a foreign country with Jeff because she knew, she wouldn't feel safe. As a mother, her priority was Jeff. She couldn't bring her son in to a precarious situation.”
At the beginning, I thought Lily, probably her best friends worried you were a scammer but not truly love her, so she stopped and thought carefully. After you explained to her patiently, she would change her mind. But when I read this part, it shows me clearly what Lily worry about is money only but not the true love. I have to say I am so disappointed and I do not like Lily anymore. Yes, as a mother, she has to consider her son first. But she seems like a lazy and weak woman who just depends on man who can give them a good life but not a great mother who can create a good life for her son by her working hard. If she afraid to move to a foreign country, why she continue to find a foreign husband here? She is quiet young. She has healthy body and brain. She can work abroad hard like many Chinese there even though she cannot speak English well. She can learn English while she is working and living abroad. My cousins took their young children to move to Canada and America long long time ago, they did not speak English at the beginning, and there were not any families that could support them. They had to work very hard there and now they are living happily.
开始的时候我以为Lily,或者说更有可能的是她的朋友怀疑你是骗子而不是真心爱她,所以她犹豫并停止不前。在你的耐心解释下,她会回心转意相信你的。但当我读到这一部分的时候,我不得不说我感到很失望。从这一刻我已经不再喜欢Lily啦。是的,作为母亲,她首先要考虑她的儿子的生活。但看上去她就像一个既懒惰又软弱的只能依靠男人的钱的女人而不是一个有自信并努力通过自己的双手去给自己的孩子创造未来的好母亲。如果她害怕出国生活,那她又为什么继续在这里寻找外国丈夫呢?她还很年轻,她有健康的身体和大脑。即使她的英语不大好,她可以像其他在国外生活的华人那样努力工作和她的丈夫一起共同抚养她的孩子。而且她可以一边工作一边学习。我几个堂兄堂姐都是带着他们年幼的孩子在很早以前移居到加拿大和美国。他们也不会说英语,也没有其他财政支持他们在那里的生活。他们都是靠他们辛苦打拼在那里给他们自己和他们的孩子创造了幸福的生活。

“If we really love someone, we want to give them a happy life and not bring them into an uncertain situation.”

Yes, you are right. Because you love her and care about her, so you want to give them a happy life. All you think and worry is about Lily and Jeff. But what about Lily? Did she love you and care about you and did she want to give you a happy life too? When you were in the difficult situation, helping a lame dog over a stile or making matters worse? She did not consider you but only herself. Even though she did not grow love to you at that moment but as a fiend what she did to you prove that she was not a kind and caring woman.
你说的很对。 因为你爱她,你在乎她,所以你想给她和她的儿子一个好的生活。你所想的和所担心的一切都是Lily。但Lily呢?她爱你吗?她在乎你吗?当你在困境的时候她对你做了什么?是雪中送炭还是雪上加霜?她一点都没考虑到你的感受而是考虑她自己。 即使当时她对你还没有强烈的爱,但作为朋友,她这样的行为证明她不是一个善解人意的好女人。

“The money that I lost would have been enough to get married, paying for the immigration papers and still enough money would have left for paying Jeff's private school for at least 3 years. Unfortunately, I didn't have that kind of money to do all of this at the moment.”

Well, Imi, even though you had enough money to do this, or even though you were a millionaire, are you sure you would be rich forever? Once you lost your money in the future or in trouble, I bet she will leave you away at once. No doubt that between you and Lily only money but not true love. Obviously the worst is that Lily is kind of woman who just enjoy the men bring her a happy life but she not want to do anything.
Imi, 即使你有足够的钱去为她做这样的事情,甚至即使你是个百万富翁,你和他结婚后你就担保你的将来不会丢钱吗?如果你有一天陷入困境,我敢担保Lily会马上离开你。因为你们之间的关系只是靠钱来维系,没有真爱。而且最麻烦的是Lily很明显的是那种只会享受男人给她带来安逸生活而她自己不劳而获的女人。

Imi, you may follow your feeling and continue to love your Lily. As I do not like such a woman, I am not interested in reading your future with her. So, you will be saved, I won’t kill you at all.
Anyway, I like you and appreciate you. You are a kink and thoughtful man and good writher.
I bet there are so many good women here are fond of you!
Best wishes to you!
Imi, 你可以继续跟着你的感觉继续爱你的Lily。由于我现在不大喜欢像她这种自私的女人所以我已经没兴趣继续读你们的结局了。所以你可以得救了,我不会杀你的。
无论如何,我很喜欢和欣赏你的为人。你是一个善解人意的好男人好作家。我敢打赌这里有很多好女人对你感兴趣呢。
祝福你!

#2014-05-05 17:55:54 by Cynthia1 @Cynthia1

God doesn't give you the people you want. He gives you the people you need, to help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you the person you were meant to be.fighting!

#2014-05-06 07:29:22 by Imi5922 @Imi5922

@Grace172

Today I'm very sad! :( My special lady is breaking up with me after 10 "wonderful" parts that we spent together. Before our special bond would have been able to blossom something very beautiful. I am very, very sad because after she posted her photo she became even more special to me. I didn't have to watch only a woman's silhouette next to her comments anymore, but her beautiful face that made me happy.
Why Grace. . . why are you breaking up with me? :)

On a seriuos note! Probably, you missed one of my comments at the previous part where I mentioned her job. Check it out if you want to. I believe I wrote that comment to Nora1216.
By the way I completely understand if you quit reading the story, I don't blame you. You are not the first nor the last who is going to do that.

I will miss you Grace and " My Comments for Grace " . Quiting on me and showing your passionate side shows a very strong and beautiful side of you and with that you gave me something special without words.
You said, you won't kill me, but I know myself and if you leave me you eventually will . . . :)
I wish the best to you as well!
Imi :)

#2014-05-06 11:30:14 by kindhonestlady @kindhonestlady

l am very very agree with Grace172 @Grace172 all about her opinion. yes. l do not like this type of women who like Lily. they are beautiful from outside but in fact they are dark inside. l think love is uncondition and need balance. LIly do not know share bad time with you together. is she love you in true? she love money more than love you. will you happy even you did not lost money before? l think 默多克(RupertMurdoch)与邓文迪(WendiDeng) is best example. RupertMurdoch is a millionare but in the end they still broken.
my feeling just like Grace172 all of she said after l reading about your story. l think Lmi you is a nice man who from wester but maybe you lack to know more about chinese women. which type of women who caring. honest. family value and hard work and love her husband than love her. there are lot of women here who around me so we know more than you that is why l agree with Grace what she said, l was really felt suppress after l reading your article yesterday . but so sorry my english not good enough so l can write a little last day. now l really can't thank Grace172 enough because she help me said all of what l want to said from your story.
some of men who from wester like chinese women and want to have a serious relationship with chinese women. l am really happy for them when l see they have a happy family in the end. but l also sad for them if l see them unhappy .l remember l had ever chat with a nice man who from canada long time ago. he ever plan that travel to china and visit me at that time. but some of reason he cancle his plan that visit me. in fact he came to meet another girl in china. them he married that girl . but in the end he broken with that girl after that girl immigrant to canada. he told me that girl too lazy ...he left his home for half of one year because he feel so sad for broken marriage.
l was so sorry to hear about his story. and he also regret that he did not consider suggest from me. he ask me if l still like him and give he a chance to visit me. l told him that so poor of him because he so caring and so honest but in the end he unhappy.
he is not a rich man. he still on mortgage. l like him because who is a man who honest and family value. but because he lack to know more about chinese women so he got a wrong with his choice. in the same time he lost love...
so sorry. l write too much here because l think you is nice guy and l do not hope you follow that guy who l had ever chat with. l hope you happy in future.
thank you for read.

#2014-05-06 11:32:54 by melcyan @melcyan

@Grace172
An insecure woman who is very scarred by her past can still be a good woman with a good heart.

#2014-05-06 11:42:09 by Barry1 @Barry1

@Grace172
@Nora1216
@Cynthia1
@kindhonestlady

I have said this once before, but maybe I should repeat it.

It's nice that many sincere ladies here are giving well meaning advice to Imi. But perhaps one thing some good people are forgetting is that all of this happened around TWO YEARS ago.

So IT IS A WASTE OF TIME, advising Imi what to do. It's too late.

The story in real life has already unfolded. The dice has already been thrown. The horse has already bolted out of the paddock.

So whilst we can empathise with Imi and enjoy the tale, with both its highs as well as its lows, it's an exercise in futility trying to give Imi advice now on what he should or should not do.

To all the ladies here - PLEASE ENJOY IMI'S STORY BUT DO NOT BECOME TOO CAUGHT UP OR EMOTIONAL WITH IT AS IT ALL HAPPENED TWO YEARS AGO NOW.

#2014-05-06 14:34:54 by lydiawen @lydiawen

@Grace172 I agree with you (f)
@Imi5922 @Grace172: Sadly(whew) lmi wasn't born blind,but now he can't see:(
可悲的是,lim 虽然不是生来眼瞎,但是他现在看不见了。

lim havn't grown up on the psychological level, he is still a little boy as childlish as Jeff, Jeff is lim's shadow.
lim先生在心智上还没有长大,他就像杰夫一样,仍然是幼稚的小孩童,杰夫是 lim 童年的写照。

So lim "love" Jeff and show mercy to "Jeff" (lim himself).
Not only that,lim pity for "Lily" ( lim's mother)
所以lim “爱”杰夫,并且表现出对“杰夫”(lim 自己)的怜悯。
不但如此,lim 还怜悯同情 “lily” ( lim 的妈妈)

compassion is not a bad thing, but, compassion are no substitute for love, Iim may have a passion for lily, but it isn't "love".
同情和怜悯并不是坏事,但是,这不能取代爱情,lim 可能对Lily有强烈的感情,但那不是“爱情”。

I am sorry lim, I suppose all of those are your blaming your father (emo) see: "I felt incredibly ashamed of myself after I talked to Mandy. I felt that I was being selfish, thinking about “my” pain, “my” heart being broken, “my” financial difficulties" and I hadn't thought about the consequences of my actions. "
我很抱歉 lim 先生,我推测所有的这些话都是你对你父亲的责备,请看:“Mandy的话让我羞愧不如,我才知道自己有多么自私,一直在想着“我的”痛苦,“我的”心碎,“我的”损失,可我从来没想过自己的行为给她的影响”。

Did you experience be abandoned or be in derision during your childhood?
你在童年时期经历过被抛弃和被嘲笑吗?

On the other hand, I guess the real reader which lim long for is Lily herself, so I think the best policy is silence :x Or say bye as Grace172 to lim and " My love for Lily"!
另一方面,我认为 lim 所期待的的真正读者是 Lily 本人,因此我想大家最好是保持沉默。或者和Grace172一样,跟 lim先生 和 “我对Lily的爱” 说 再见!

#2014-05-06 16:16:16 by summer725 @summer725

@melcyan
In China, because in a bad mood, a trip to Seattle, not ordinary income. Why no security? ,If she can go to travel abroad, but has a strong economic insecurity feeling,
so, I can only say that may not be her money , so her money come from? If she could raise a child alone, she can go to Seattle. In China, it is a very capable woman. Her mind scar is emotional, should not be economic .Lmi just lost money, but gave her all the love. Her reaction to the irrational
:)

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