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Barry from Australia is a questioning soul who looks at social issues from an alternative point of view and instead of asking, “Why?”, he asks “Why not?” He’s convinced that many of his previous incarnations were spent in China. He feels drawn to the people there; attracted by their rich culture and way of life. If given one wish from God, he’d reply, “I want everyone on Earth to be the same colour, speak the same language, and treat each other as they themselves would like to be treated.”
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My First Date After Lily (Part 6)

By Barry Pittman
2334 Views | 61 Comments | 9/10/2017 1:43:20 PM

Yet again, my eyes cast down. I felt to be an awful clown, living in a land where there was now no purpose to be. Because of she. The woman I loved. Great God above. What was I to do? Staring disconsolately at the floor however gave me no answers. Life was never this simple, but rather, an intricate architecture of highs and lows, taunts and teases, tragedy and triumph.

 

The dank oppressiveness of the small, austere dorm room where I sat alone on my bed perfectly paralleled the brooding cheerlessness of my mood. I felt utterly fucked up because I'd been utterly fucked over by my former sweetheart. I knew however, that many others had been in situations identical to this. I was cognisant also I was ultimately strong enough to pull through the tortuous ordeal. But at that very moment, I felt a profound creeping hollowness deep inside that was impossible to put into words.Only now, many months later, can they be poured forth, spewing out in a rather mangled, tangled ocean of emotion. An explosion of corrosion that had insidiously formed within were only now being able to be finally vented.

 

Put bluntly, life was now no more than a bucket of shit. I hate being rude but that was it. Much more serious than a mere passing glitch, I'd been ditched and pitched and stitched up good. The most pitiable person in the entire hood, a solitary figure left alone by someone with a heart made not of flesh but of the most dense wood.  I was staggering alone in the gutter, longing instead to be soaring amongst the stars. If anyone suggests though that I should stop the incessant whine, develop a bit more spine, maybe act with more class, I'll be most happy to stick a thorny rose up his ass!

 

They say that love hurts, but this isn't fully accurate. Rejection hurts. Disappointment hurts. Loneliness hurts. Paradoxically the only thing that can ultimately heal these weeping wounds, mask the fundamental cloying pain, is the thing that caused the situation in the first place - love. This includes self love, self respect and self forgiveness. These were and still are, the lessons I attempted to come to grips with. I live in hope to one day succeed in achieving this. Of course, wise people smugly advised that nothing in life was to be feared; events were simply to be understood, lessons learnt. The corollary to this was that the more one understood, the less apprehensive we became. Sounds good in theory.

 

I struggled valiantly with these annoying truisms, vowing to be a better person, a more noble character, so that no lady in future would feel in any way compelled to again compulsively kick me to the kerb, a distressing experience I kept repeating again and again. There was obviously something intrinsically wrong with me, but what? If any readers of my past seventy-two blogs have any insights what my inherent and possibly cleverly camouflaged personality problems are, constructive observations would be much appreciated. Sometimes one is too deep within the forest to see any trees, too close to the action to make clear-headed judgements. Either that or sometimes one's just too damn stupid, ignorant or pig-headed.

 

But really, boiled down to its essence, one should never apologise for having been deeply wounded by the collapse of a relationship. This shows that you really cared, that you dared to expose your true feelings to someone else even if in the end, you were let down badly. Having a big heart isn't a crime; au contraire it arguably shows that you're a sensitive soul that's way better I believe, than being a hard bastard with a rigid ramrod stuck up his proverbial.

 

Despite the risks, there should be more passion, more love in this world, not less. I was acutely cognisant in fact, that an existance without plenty of emotional peaks and troughs within it, was in fact not one worth living. These were the fascinating spasmodic spices that made the earthly ride so much more interesting. The problem was however that most of us lack the strength, the wisdom and the endurance to handle it all, without succumbing to the debilitation, the temptation, the anemia to give in like just another floating, bloating jellyfish in the shivering, quivering river of life. Was it better to simply never be born, never to experience, never to be forced to inevitably walk alone as so many of us are forced to do, through this bleak valley of sorrowful shadows, this dessicated canyon of heartache,  that we call life?

 

I have said this before and I will say it again, that all of us are born alone and we die alone. Given this, what the hell point of living is there? Why should so much affliction and adversity, harrowing emotional torture and torment continually assail us? I had come to realize that in this world of seven billion souls, about six and a half billion of these at any given time were under varying degrees of strain and stress. A high proportion of this involved being alone, despite being surrounded by annoying storms and swarms of people. If the truth be known, the primary quest of humanity was not to simply eat, reproduce and survive, but to shatter the ensnarling shackles of  quiet desperation and despair, bitterness and regret, that perpetually bound us all so tightly within their appalling, malevolent clutches.

 

With this bewildering kaleidoscope of bizarre depressive thoughts incessantly swirling in my head, I continued to ready myself to leave the university dorm where I resided. Cold night was falling, an oppressive metaphor for how I was feeling at the time. Glancing around the place, I couldn’t help but wonder what the hell was I doing here? Living in a dirty little room with an uncomfortable bed, no air conditioning, no decent cooking facilities, not even a properly working toilet. But worse than this, I was attempting to be a teacher, despite having nil teaching experience and basically not knowing what the bloody hell I was doing. Intuitively I sensed that much better people were out there as far as teaching goes. Scholars who unlike me with nil training and a hefty depressive disorder, possessed possibly decades of relevant experience. Had I acted selfishly by moving to China, inflicting my mediocre teaching skills upon a bunch of hapless indigenous students, simply so I could be close to Lily?

 

Immense feelings of confliction overcame me. Apart from everything else, at that time of tumultuous change, moving to China, I’d been terribly nervous, wondering what on Earth was in store for me. It was no easy thing, leaving the congeniality and comfort of one’s home and peaceful surroundings, to travel to a far distant destination and whole new life.

 

The night before my departure from Australia had been a shocker.  I slept not one wink, worrying about it all. That's right, I lay in bed the entire night, lacerated by continual waves and lashings of angst and fear about what on Earth I was getting myself in to. One in the morning came around, then two, three, four and five in the morning.  I was due to get up at seven in order to make a dash to the airport. But I tossed and turned literally all night, unable to sleep. To say I was stressed was an egregious understatement.

 

Additionally, I had purchased the home I was in just two months previously. Quite naturally I wanted to stay there and bask in its novelty and fresh appeal. I wanted to do a bit of work to it too, to improve it. Pride of ownership. But my desire and love for my girlfriend was strong enough to rupture the bonds of comfort and familiarity that were pulling so tightly upon me, trying futilely to make me stay.

 

Lily had no idea of how much I'd been profoundly afflicted and agitated by the international move, how much I'd been second guessing myself about the plan to go over and be with her. It served no real purpose to reveal that I'd become almost a nervous wreck, fretting about everything. I just hoped like hell that I'd made the right decision. Maybe this was one reason she’d treated me with such precipitous contempt in so recklessly dumping me?  Maybe she'd not realized the enormity of the emotional tumult I’d suffered, by abandoning everything in order to be with her?

 

Suddenly I felt it again. An odd coldness within the room, enveloping me within its icy tentacles.  The hairs on the back of my neck stood straight, a depressing discomfiture created an involuntary whole body shiver. Something strange was afoot. Something was definitely not right.

 

“God, what else can go wrong!”

 

Little did I know, but soon enough I was to find out. Whirring wheels of brooding fateful complexity were now in motion that were utterly impossible to stop. Loneliness was indeed the ultimate poverty, a squalid emotional thief, but as I was soon to discover, some things were even worse than this.

 

 

(To be continued)

 

Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
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#2017-09-10 13:42:57 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

Barry, I am struggling with where this is going. You've been describing an emotional crisis and resulting catharsis for sometime now, and it seemed like you had come out of it a whole, and even better, man sometime ago. However, recently it seems like there's a slide back into disaster.

Now, suddenly, it seems we're heading into some kind of horror zone, in which your life is a living nightmare. Is the cliffhanger ending of this part 6 leading us into the anguish of some kind of mental breakdown you suffered, or is it taking us into a other worldly horror story, or... is this a tease and you are finally going to make the leap to explaining the title of this series, and describe for us a date from hell?  

#2017-09-11 03:19:33 by anonymous16525 @anonymous16525

Barry, I on the other hand like the fact that you are being honest about your emotional state at that time and how you are feeling now. I do not truly know if you have left this relationship behind or if you are still talking or involved with this viper anymore.I honestly hope you have nothing to do with her ever again as she will only bring you misery.

If this blog helps you get out your emotions and helps you heal then so much the better! You are describing the utter cold, paralizing tortuous pain being caused by being totally in love with someone who has cast you aside with out any concern for YOUR well being! Remember always "chinese women are steel rods clothed in roses" They will do only what benefits them calculating and coldly. If you as a partner are no longer what they seek you are tossed aside as if you never existed. They can do this so much easier than a western woman can. Any man here who doubts this needs to slap themselves in the face, wakeup and smell the coffee because it is true.

 

I hope we get to meet your "first date" after Lily soon but I personally support your blogs and your honesty in how you are feeling and dealing with this heartache!

Stay strong brother!! Remember we as men are strong, independant and worthy!!

Cheers....

#2017-09-11 06:57:50 by Barry1 @Barry1


@JohnAbbot

 

"I am struggling with where this is going"

John, I pore my heart out in my article raising many different points of substance and all you can say is "I'm struggling with where this is going?"

#2017-09-11 16:20:34 by Barry1 @Barry1


@anonymous16525

 

"I personally support your blogs and your honesty in how you are feeling and dealing with this heartache!"

 

Thanks for your support and your typically very perceptive and accurate comments, Anon16525. You're a breath of fresh air in this forum.

 

It seems I made an error when I entitled this blog series "My First Date After Lily".  With the benefit of hindsight, it should have simply been titled something like "My Breakup With Lily".

 

For those readers out there however, who are getting a bit bored with what I'm writing (or those who are struggling with where the series is heading), may I please remind you all of what I said in my last article (Part 5).  That is:



"I'm cognisant also that some may find my recollections a bit boring, which is a real possibility as it's written primarily for my own benefit"


The simple answer to all the bored or impatient readers then is easy. Stop reading my articles!  Move on to someone else's blog!

 

Once again, thank you for your support, Anon16525.  (clap)(clap)

#2017-09-11 16:21:17 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

@Barry1

You might want to read my comment again. I said quite a bit more than "I'm struggling to know where this is going?" 

There were a few more things I could have said. However, because I was a little unsure about how this return to serious angst came about, I was also unsure how to react. And that's because it is, as suggested by @anonymous16525​, difficult to tell if you are describing how you felt "then" or if you are actually still feeling it very keenly now.

Initially you started out on a little rhyming spree for a few sentences, which suggested a lightness in your spirit, almost as if you were having fun now writing about it. Then it sank quickly into a very deeply troubling look at someone sinking into emotional quicksand.

And that went on for a lengthy time, until it suddenly broke into a cliffhanger ending that forebode of an oncoming event of either frightful horror or mental breakdown. Thus, somewhat stunned by that ending, I was left "wondering where you were going with it". I can't but believe it was your intention to leave your readers wondering what was coming next, and you did so quite expertly, so I don't think you should feel insulted that I was left wondering exactly that.

As for your pouring your heart out raising many points of substance, while you did that and it was also well written, I really felt that you had already poured your heart out on much the same points of substance, so I didn't feel a strong need to express sympathy again. I did feel like commenting on how well written those paragraphs were but that would have been pretty redundant of comments I mad in earlier blogs.

Your description of your sleepless angst preceeding your going to China to meet Lily was new, and it surprised me to read it, but I wasn't sure how to react because I honestly cannot imagine feeling such angst. I'm a person who loves change, and struggle to live with ongoing familiarity of my surroundings for very long. My first trip to China also made me struggle to fall asleep, but because of my thrilled excitement to be going to explore such an unfamiliar country.

I also chose not to comment, to avoid ruffling your feathers, that I found it curious that you suffered that angst to such a great degree but never told Lily about it, but somehow seem to feel angry with her for not understanding and comforting you for your suffering. How could she provide comfort and consolation for something she was not made aware of?

You are really pouring your heart out now, in these new blogs, and I believe that is incredibly brave of you, and also incredibly healthy for your long term well being. I admire you for doing so, and many times I feel your pain. I, like most of us, know the pain of being rejected by someone we love. So it's impossible not to both empathize and sympathize with you.

But I cannot see Lily as a "viper" at all. Go back and read your many blogs about your relationship with Lily. You painted her as a saint, and you have myself and many others deeply admiring her as a wonderful, caring, sensitive, spiritual woman. At the same time you did paint yourself as someone who was a little hard and unemotional, and as someone who held back on communicating his true feelings. Especially when it came to touchy, feely, romantic things.

In this series of blogs, and several that preceeded it, you have waffled form forgiving Lily, to detesting her, to still loving and caring for her deeply, to seeming to think that she deserved capital punishment for her crime of leaving you. Sometimes all in the same paragraph. But a few articles ago I thought that you had really come out of your funk, turned a corner and become, a whole and better man for it all.

And maybe you have but are now just writing about past events and feelings, but not feeling the pain you flet then when you are writing about it. If so, then I can tell you that you have described it so well that it is hard to believe you are not still feeling it.

All of which leads back to the ending and how surprised I was by it, and how curious I am to see what is coming next.

I am struggling to see where this is going!

Nuff said?

Cheers, Mate (beer) 

 

 

#2017-09-12 09:20:02 by paulfox1 @paulfox1


@Barry1

Mate, quite frankly this is getting f*cking boring now.

Your writing is lovely but the subject is now 'stale' in my opinion. It's well over a year ago now, so are you going to continue bleating about it or are you going to move on?

#2017-09-12 11:16:36 by Barry1 @Barry1


@JohnAbbot

 

Thanks for the interesting amplification of your thoughts about my blog, John.

 

As I've mentioned, to many my verbose meanderings would seem a bit boring, but I can only say again and again, the blogs are written for my benefit, so if I repeat myself a few times from article to article, the reason is that I'm gradually expunging all of my inner anguish out onto paper.  This necessarily is a slow, rather tortuous process. If anyone doesn't like it, then simply move on to someone else's blog and annoy them! 

 

I must admit I had to smile when I read these words of yours:

 

"you have waffled form forgiving Lily, to detesting her, to still loving and caring for her deeply, to seeming to think that she deserved capital punishment for her crime of leaving you. Sometimes all in the same paragraph."

 

I think this illustrates quite neatly how vexed and confused about the whole situation that I am, when I don't even know my own true feelings about it all.


Thanks again, John. (y)(beer)

 

 

#2017-09-12 11:24:43 by paulfox1 @paulfox1


@Barry1

This is part 6 of 'My first DATE after Lily' - yet you still haven't got round to explaining such a 'date'. WAS there one? Or was it a 'date' with Mrs Palmer and her 5 'lovely daughters'?

Sorry mate, but this is getting excruiciating now

#2017-09-12 13:08:42 by Barry1 @Barry1


@paulfox1

 

"this is getting f*cking boring now. Your writing is lovely but the subject is now 'stale' in my opinion. It's well over a year ago now, so are you going to continue bleating about it or are you going to move on?"

 

If anyone suggests that I should stop the incessant whine, develop a bit more spine, maybe act with more class, I'll be most happy to stick a thorny rose up his ass!  (punch)

 

#2017-09-12 13:12:23 by Barry1 @Barry1


@paulfox1

 

"This is part 6 of 'My first DATE after Lily' - yet you still haven't got round to explaining such a 'date'. WAS there one?....Sorry mate, but this is getting excruiciating now"

 

If I repeat myself a few times from article to article, the reason is that I'm gradually expunging all of my inner anguish out onto paper.  This necessarily is a slow, rather tortuous process. If anyone doesn't like it, then simply move on to someone else's blog and annoy them! 

 

Put another way, the simple answer to all the bored or impatient readers then is easy. Stop reading my articles!  Step lively on to someone else's blog!   :^)

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