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Barry from Australia is a questioning soul who looks at social issues from an alternative point of view and instead of asking, “Why?”, he asks “Why not?” He’s convinced that many of his previous incarnations were spent in China. He feels drawn to the people there; attracted by their rich culture and way of life. If given one wish from God, he’d reply, “I want everyone on Earth to be the same colour, speak the same language, and treat each other as they themselves would like to be treated.”
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My First Date After Lily (Part 5)

By Barry Pittman
2639 Views | 42 Comments | 7/27/2017 11:36:43 AM

This series unapologetically delves into the depths of the traumatic breakup with my former partner Lily and its immediate aftermath, including what happened in the fraught days and weeks following the separation. Writing it is providing a much needed catharsis, releasing me from many negative emotions associated with the galling break up.

 

Note that if anyone is offended by colourful language, then be advised, offence may be in the wind. Either that or someone's cooking up a mean plate of spiced curry next door! But this isn't the time for flippancy. I'm writing here about a very dour period in my life. One that I still haven't fully recovered from, even though I lie through my teeth and tell everyone how blissfully happy I am now.

 

Just as revenge is a displeasing dish best served cold, loneliness is an isolated battle best won by the bold. If this means pretending to be at peace so concerns about you will cease, then so be it.

 

Upon reflection, I'm cognisant also that some may find my recollections a bit boring, which is a real possibility as it's written primarily for my own benefit. Who wants to read about a lewd, somewhat crude dude who'd been skewed, stewed and screwed in a hot pot of his own creation? To those that feel this way, you have my rather superficial, relatively insincere sympathies. The easiest solution to your boredom is to simply stop reading, okay? 

 

Talking about boredom, let me say this. More sheep are bored than wolves. Sheep are not only easily bored in fact but are boring themselves. Predators however need to use their brain in order to survive. They don't have time to be bored. They're the lord of their domain. One consequence though of being a hunter is loneliness as often the hunt is solitary.

 

Was it because I was fundamentally more of a hunter than a sheep, the reason I was so often alone? I'm referring to primal personality type here. Or alternatively, something that didn't bear much thinking about, was the reason that Lily dumped me because she thought I was boring? 

 

This disturbing thought hadn't up till now occurred to me. Do CLM readers here think I'm a boring type of character, given what they've read in my past seventy or so blog articles? I'm sure the regulars here must have an opinion. I'd be interested to hear it.

On a humerous note, I knew that perfection was boring. Flaws, cracks and crevices in our behaviour were what made us unique and interesting. Was I then too perfect a person for my beloved girlfriend? Too tiresome?

 

This silly thought made me laugh. I possessed plenty of faults. For example, Lily at one stage had remarked that I was not particularly handsome. This was before we'd broken up. I mused at the time that it was somewhat strange that one partner would say this to another partner for no apparent reason or without provocation. Perhaps this was a deep-rooted, mostly concealed chink in the very foundation of our relationship, a slowly spreading kink, one that would evenually cause the whole relationship to sink?

 

Okay, so Lily thought I was a bit plain looking. Self evidentally, I couldn't argue against this. I had assumed though that because Lily supposedly loved me, that I'd look handsome in her eyes, just as I automatically assumed she was a witty, pretty kitty.

 

But despite her strange doubting, I felt like shouting that despite my exterior, including my rather boney posterior, that my soul was and still is, beautiful. Lily apparently didn't have the percipience or the sagacity to realise this. Was it true that ugly words come from ugly people? Stupid thoughts came from stupid sheeple?

 

No, I couldn't accept this. To me, Lily had always been beautiful. The notion that she was unattractive was absurd. Yet why would she blurt such hurt to me?  It reminded me of an old truism, that in an ugly and austere world, the richest person ultimately could in turn buy nothing but ugliness and austerity. The corollary to this was that ugliness eventually always irrevocably attracted ugliness? Did this then mean that Lily herself was ugly, if not externally, then internally? My head ached. This was getting way too deep for me.

 

But the pondering persisted. No matter how much I resisted. Did Lily deep down inside also consider herself to be unattractive? Didn't she know that beauty - or ugliness - was only skin deep? A superficial shroud, for crying aloud. A counterfeit curtain, temporary and transient in nature. Death is and always would be the great equaliser. Love the great survivor. The ultimate revivor. Surely she knew all of this?

 

My strange reverie continued. I knew that those that we've loved never truly die even when they've taken the anxious leap or desperate fall into eternity. They're in our thoughts, in our heart, never truly apart. Unseen, unheard, but always close, ready to assist us, when we need them the most. I had personally experienced this. But that's another story. The power and the glory within us is almost limitless.

 

I thus knew that when a loved one sadly morphs into being but a memory, that memory is with us always, becoming a treasure, most precious and priceless, by any measure. Further, I knew also that someone who lives life fully is paradoxically fully ready to die at any time. Those with a full acceptance and appreciation of life also inherently feel this way also about death. They know only our bodies were mortal, the fleshy meat encompassing us. But the essence of life and the miracle of love was in fact eternal, a kernal of spiritual consciousness and indomitability that would never, could never, be extinguished.

 

But stop! I was entering a mental labyrinth of the most arcane, introspective abstractions. Meditative musings, cognitive interactions. Where would it lead? Was I some sort of frustrated philosopher? A winker of sorts, a thinker, a drinker of knowledge who could never consume quite enough to satiate his prodigious thirst?

 

A loud siren outside suddenly shook me from my pensive pipedreams. It was dinner time at the university. I had big plans for that night and had to start moving. Time to start grooving. Little did I know that it would be indeed, an evening to remember. But a time to forget. This dippy diddle, this silly riddle, I'll leave you with.

 

If the truth be known, I deplore fathoming flashbacks from the past. I abhor melancholy memories that spontaneously spout despite having done your damndest to go without. Though the grapes of wrath and regret reaped I could no longer ignore. They were rotten to the core, ill begotten but they were mine, unpleasant pheasant on which to dine with a no doubt winsome wine, a fitting dessert to hopefully help assuage my hurt.

 

Such were the plaintive verses of doleful despondency that grimly afflicted me in those dark days. Such was the inner turmoil that had offensively affected me in so many ways.

 

My mind was a haze, ablaze with both confoundment and confusion. What more could I say? What venom could I spray? Lily had dumped me. Facts were facts. My relationship had cracked. I was now more than ever before, packed and stacked and whacked with a whole new reality, a whole new life. Trouble and strife lay ahead. Unpalatable bread where tears of remorse were shed, words previously unspoken were silently said, an existance in front of me filled with little more than fear and dread.

 

The dank atmosphere in my small dorm room closed in, smothering me in a mountain of despair. But bravely I embraced the biting pain. It made me feel stronger. I knew that better days were ahead. I knew also I wasn't an insipid jellyfish who'd cave in at the first major hurdle. I'd travelled half a world to live in a foreign land to work in a foreign job, completely alien to me, after all. Though sometimnes I give the appearance of being a quivering, maudlin sad sack, at my core lay a foundation of wrought iron.

 

It shows you though, how wrong your assumptions can be sometimes. For the malignant darkness then in my life was only just beginning. Challenges lay ahead that would ultimately force me to the very edge of the yawning chasm where life and death unhappily merge. Latent demons within my soul frighteningly were beginning to awaken, feeding maniacally upon the stewing depression they innately sensed within me, spewing a wickedly brewing disturbance throughout my body. They grew ever stronger with every passing second.

 

The clock was ticking. The wheels in motion, impossible now to stop.



"God help me!" I silently supplicated, yet at that moment, not knowing why I had said it. I subconsciously sensed something was afoot, but what?

 

"I must be going mad!" I muttered to myself.

 

The reason for my spontaneous, rather disquieting invocation would soon crystallise however. A cold breeze entered the room, despite all the windows being shut. Hairs on the back of my neck bristled alarmingly. Sweat formed on my skin, despite the unsettling chill.

 

The time was getting nearer.

 

 

(To be continued)

Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
Comments
(Showing 1 to 10 of 42) 1 2 3 4 5 More...
#2017-07-27 11:36:31 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

Barry, I am pretty sure that I can say this safely. You are not boring. Now, boring, like beauty, is generally in the eye of the beholder, so no doubt there have been eyes alight on your blogs and find them not to their liking, and perhaps those persons found your writing to be boring. But I am quite sure the vast majority of readers of your blogs would say that you are not boring. You can count me among them.

Having said that, I will admit that this current series of yours, while not boring at all, is sometimes nonetheless quite painful to read. Some of your writing here, and this specific posting is a perfect example, is so personal to yourself, that when reading it I often feel like a Peeping Tom. Like I am standing outside your private abode and guiltily peeking in through an open window, seeing your most private moments, hearing your most private thoughts.

I do realize that you are intentionally writing about your raw, painful experiences and thoughts as a means of recovering from the pain of them, and I hope that is working for you. But I am a loss for any clever words, or indepth thoughts, that might help you through your pain.

That's not to say I am not enjoying your description of your pain, and your assessments of the cause of that pain, because I am enjoying both, but from the point view of enjoying good prose, enjoying the writing, and appreciating the depth of your thoughts.

And now I am enjoying the curiosity about what is the little surprise that now waits around the coming corner, and when might we discover that surprise.

Meanwhile I hope some of the others, perhaps the always reliable Melcyan, can respond in a way that is more helpful to you, and can help you help yourself get over this great loss you have suffered. 

#2017-07-27 16:52:32 by melcyan @melcyan

"The problem is that I care way too much about people who don't give a shit about me."


 

Genuine care and love for others are never wasted. If you think it is wasted then maybe the love and care were never fully genuine.


 

When I have looked at Lily in the past, I always compared her with my partner. She does many things in a similar way. My partner has also told me that I am ugly. My partner will tell me this when I am being too proud or my ego is stronger than it should be. She loves the humble me much more than the egotistical proud me. My partner is very good at humbling me (but never in public). 


 

Many men think they are boring. I think the men who think themselves boring are usually the ones who have always tried to hide their true inner self from others. The amazing irony is that the most bombastic men are at the top of the insecure and boring list.


 

What most men refuse to believe is that when they reveal their true inner self they are at their most interesting. When you reveal your true inner self to others you reach the height of vulnerability. I strongly suspect that you failed to fully show your true inner self to Lily.  It reflects in your past writing. Your previous writing indicated to me that you loved writing more than you loved Lily.

 

You often said that Lily was never going to read your words. Why is it only now that you write as if Lily is reading every word? You should have written that way when your relationship first started. My partner has read very little of what I have written on CLM but that does not stop me writing every word as if she will one day read it. As ye sow, so ye shall reap.


 

I like the writing in this blog. It definitely shows your vulnerable side. That is very healthy and very interesting. However, there are parts of this blog that still try to posit blame with Lily. That is very unhealthy (and boring).


 

I have a question for you that may seem obscure. What did Lily's closest friends think of you?

#2017-07-27 20:12:38 by paulfox1 @paulfox1

@Barry1

There's a saying - 'We're not human beings having a spiritual experience, but spiritual beings having a human experience.'

I can happily state that I KNOW this to be true. Absolutely, 100% cast-iron guarantee.

People are superficial - the see someone handsome/pretty, fall in 'love', screw each other's brains out and then hope to live happily ever after. Well that only happens until the next handsome/pretty person comes along, and you're DUMPED.

You're right, people are SHEEPLE. Despite mountains of evidence to the contrary, they still believe everything they see on the TV is the TRUTH.

I've now said it many times, but the WORLD has been LIED TO for over 2000 years - on so many levels, it's not funny.

Sure, we have a 'soul', we have an 'inner being' and we live inside a 'meat suit'

The problem that 99% of the 'sheeple' can't see, is that there's a WAR on for your 'soul', and the same 99% are already losing!

 

If anyone thinks that the 'flat-Earth conspiracy' is 'stupid', well it's just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to how MUCH we've been lied to.

Anyone with half-a-brain should start doing research into A.I and the 'transhumanism agenda'.

The LBGTQ is just the beginning. There are already 59 genders to choose from in the USA - I thought there were 2 - male or female - oops, not so anymore.

However long people want to stay sleeping in their little 'bubble' is up to them, but there are now millions of people in the world who have 'woken-up' (and I consider myself to be one), yet we continue to be ridiculed by the indoctrinated fools that even WE once were.

You have NOT suffered a 'loss' as far as Lily goes,you have learned yet another experience insofar as we are ALL alone in this world, we must LEARN from EXPERIENCE - whether good or bad.

We're only betrayed by people WE trust, and we're only hurt by the people WE love.

In other words mate, Lily didn't do this TO you, you ALLOWED her to do it to YOURSELF. It's all YOUR FAULT - not hers.

Think about it xxx

 

#2017-07-28 00:19:01 by anonymous16433 @anonymous16433

Barry me lad you are far from boring, I look forward to your blog entries with quiet anticipation. There are other bloggers on this site I cannot say the same about.

Do not ever doubt your feelings of pain and sorrow as you are in mourning over the loss of your loved one. You gave almost everything you had and your reward was snatched from you with no thoughts or care for your well being.

The fact that Lily/Tiina said you were not handsome with no consideration for your feelings is a trait that I have seen in most Chinese women I have known. They cut to the chase, say exactly whats on their mind with no hesitation nor thoughts to how it will affect the other person. They can tell the truth with as much honesty as they can lie to your face with, they do not hesitate to speak their minds with no filter.

You as I have said before are a ruggedly handsome bloke, Lily in your eyes is pretty, you may have a point that inside she feels ugly. She could also be the type of person who sabotages when things get good because they do not know how to handle something good happening in their lives. Lack of self esteem? Who knows..

If you look at yourself inwardly and think to yourself "what did I do wrong" and "how can I do better next time" may help you in your next romance.

Remember you are a strong, independent, intelligent, powerful white male, there are other fishies in the sea....time to start fishing again mate!!

 

Cheers..(beer)

 

#2017-07-28 13:14:49 by Barry1 @Barry1


@JohnAbbot

 

"Some of your writing here, and this specific posting is a perfect example, is so personal to yourself, that when reading it I often feel like a Peeping Tom."

Thanks for this, John.  I take this as a compliment, because it means that the thoughts, the messages that I'm trying to convey are in fact being heard and understood.

 

"That's not to say I am not enjoying your description of your pain, and your assessments of the cause of that pain, because I am enjoying both, but from the point view of enjoying good prose, enjoying the writing, and appreciating the depth of your thoughts."

 

I must confess that in my past 72 blog articles, I've not been a hundred per cent happy with any of them.  Invariably when I read them after publication, I wish I could change a word here or rephrase a sentence there. One day I may be completely satisfied with what I've written or how I've written it, but that day certainly hasn't come yet and most likely, never will.    :^)

 

 

 

#2017-07-28 13:27:52 by Barry1 @Barry1


@melcyan

 

Thanks for your wise thoughts, Melcyan.

 

I won't comment too much because many of the points you've covered in fact are raised in the rest of this series.

 

As far as boring people go, Australian men often are boring, at least to me.  That is, they tend to talk about either women, beer or sport.  Try to engage them for example, in a philosophical discussion about the nature of the universe and our place in it and they'll stare at you in bewilderment as if you're a nutcase.


"I strongly suspect that you failed to fully show your true inner self to Lily.  It reflects in your past writing. Your previous writing indicated to me that you loved writing more than you loved Lily."

 

Ouch!  That hurt.  Probably because you're spot on the money, Melcyan.  You are indeed an extremely wise person.

 

"What did Lily's closest friends think of you?"



Lily told me after our breakup that her best friend was sad we'd split, as she liked me.  I spoke recently on WeChat to another mutual friend we both knew and he extended his sympathies to me, so I assume he liked me also.

 

As for Lily's parents who we visited regularly, I don't know what their feelings were. I didn't ask and she never volunteered this information to me.

 

In retrospect, I think most people liked me in China.  I kept my mouth shut most of the time and played it cool. So basically there was no good reason for anyone to actually dislike me. Lily and I rarely had arguments, so she had no real reason to complain to her friends about me. 

 

Thanks again, Melcyan.  (clap)(beer)

#2017-07-28 13:43:31 by Barry1 @Barry1


@paulfox1

 

"People are superficial"


An interesting assemblage of thoughts, thanks Paul.  But I must admit I'm as superficial as the next guy.  A good looking lady will always attract me more easily than a dour looking one, for example.  But this sadly is the nature of the world and men in particular.   Women are like this too but probably not quite to the same extent as men.

 

 

"You're right, people are SHEEPLE. Despite mountains of evidence to the contrary, they still believe everything they see on the TV is the TRUTH. I've now said it many times, but the WORLD has been LIED TO for over 2000 years - on so many levels, it's not funny."

 

Most of us are totally unaware of the reality of what's going on around us, I agree.  Apart from the moon landing hoax, I heard an amazing thing on talkback radio just yersterday concerning the Bureau of Meteorology in Australia. 

 

A lady here was being interviewed on the radio about the weather people.  She claimed that the Bureau was NOT always accurately recording the lowest temperatures at certain locations. They're citing higher minimum temperatures in some instances. She's just published a book about this phenomenon, that I presume is occurring globally.

 

The reason for this apparently is to assist the climate change theory, especially in relation to global warming.  The suggestion is that if people could see how really cold some parts of the world still are, man-made climate change propagandists would have less of a leg to stand on. 

 

This begs the question though.  Who would have the enormous power to directly influence a supposedly impartial bureaurocracy such as the weather bureau?

 

This lady was able to cite many specific examples of bodgied low temperature readings, to support her claims.  It's rather frightening, if you think about it.

 

 

"We're only betrayed by people WE trust, and we're only hurt by the people WE love.In other words mate, Lily didn't do this TO you, you ALLOWED her to do it to YOURSELF. It's all YOUR FAULT - not hers."

 

So smart!  Paul, sometimes I think you're as wise as the esteemed Melcyan. Bravo!    (beer)(clap)(beer)

 

 

#2017-07-28 14:06:50 by Barry1 @Barry1


@anonymous16433

" I look forward to your blog entries with quiet anticipation. There are other bloggers on this site I cannot say the same about."

 

Thanks for the encouragement, Anon16433.  As I said to John though, I'm never truly happy with what I write....  invariably I'd like to make minor changes to it after publication.

 

"The fact that Lily/Tiina said you were not handsome with no consideration for your feelings is a trait that I have seen in most Chinese women I have known. They cut to the chase, say exactly whats on their mind"

 

Yes, now that I think about it, you're right.  Western ladies are a little more reticent about being honest.  Chinese women tend to be more upfront, which sometimes is a good thing, but sometimes they should shut their gob. The truth, just because it's the truth, shouldn't in every instance necessarily be told!

 

 

"You as I have said before are a ruggedly handsome bloke"

 

Thanks buddy, but please tell this to the ladies!  (giggle)(giggle)

 

 

"time to start fishing again mate"



Yes, this is exactly what I'm doing.   If you get thrown off a horse, best to jump back on it!  But even though there are many fish in the sea, trying to find the right one is exceedingly difficult.  I'm finding that if I like someone, they don't like me.  But if someone else likes me, I don't like them.  This has happened time after time.  Again and again.

 

Enough to drive a guy to drink!

 

Cheers mate.  (beer)(beer)(y)(y)

 

 

 

 

#2017-07-28 23:37:51 by anonymous16438 @anonymous16438

I have a question for Barry and Melcyan: both your women have told you are ugly. Barry you do not know why Lily said this to you, Melcyan you say your partner says this when your ego is higher than it should be and she is humbling you. Which I find to be pathetically controlling.

Have either of you ever told your women (Barry I know Lily is your ex) they are ugly? If so what were their responses to this? If not, why not? Fear?

 

#2017-07-29 12:56:18 by Barry1 @Barry1


@anonymous16438

 

"Have either of you ever told your women (Barry I know Lily is your ex) they are ugly? If so what were their responses to this? If not, why not? Fear?"


I never intimated in any way to Lily that I thought she wasn't attractive.  The primary reason for this is that I loved her and to me, she was always a princess, even when she was covered in mud or whatever from a rainy walk in the bush.

 

But further, I wouldn't say this to anyone evewn in jest. Because to me it would just be plain rude. Most people think they're not particularly attractive, the last thing they need is for someone to blurt this out to their face, even if it's obviously true.

 

So politeness and good manners come into the equation.

 

Judge not, lest ye be judged.

 

This was why I was so taken aback when Lily told this to me one day.  It disappointed me on several levels. Maybe this was the beginning of the end for our relationship, though I didn't know it at the time? :^)

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