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Barry from Australia is a questioning soul who looks at social issues from an alternative point of view and instead of asking, “Why?”, he asks “Why not?” He’s convinced that many of his previous incarnations were spent in China. He feels drawn to the people there; attracted by their rich culture and way of life. If given one wish from God, he’d reply, “I want everyone on Earth to be the same colour, speak the same language, and treat each other as they themselves would like to be treated.”
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My First Date After Lily (Part 4)

By Barry Pittman
823 Views | 27 Comments | 7/12/2017 11:55:18 PM

This story continues from the last article.  It describes the day after I’d been unceremoniously kicked to the kerb by my last girlfriend, Lily. One of the less joyous times of my life. One that even to this day, is etched painfully into my memory. It's easy to say "Well, as one door closes, another one opens".

 

Obsequious platitudes like this don't necessarily reflect the ruptured emotions that can be involved in such major life changes however. The strain, the pain, the blood, the flood, the crud and the crap that's associated with it. Of course, the blood is the metaphorical blood you spill upon the alter of desolation and heartache that now you're forced to bow at. The flood refers to the stream of tears that remorselessly flow internally, silently surrounding and drowning the multitude of high hopes and dreams of a bright shared future you once had.

 

I remembered an old saying along the lines that sometimes someone rejects you because your star shines too brightly for them. This sounds a bit corny to me, a bit clichéd. Utter bullshit actually. I preferred to think that Lily cut me loose because she failed to properly notice or give full credit to my strong points. For despite my somewhat soiled reputation and ungainly position in life, I do possess a few good character traits. Instead of this, she gave undue importance to her own weak points. That is, rather than relying on tolerance and understanding as far as I was concerned, she allowed her disappointing, dismaying senses of intolerance and inconsideration free reign. She took the easy way out.  Bloody coward!

 

Because sometimes remaining in love with someone and dealing with emotionally volatile situations can be way harder than simply following the line of least resistance and effort by suddenly cutting the person off at the knees, whilst you keep walking. The course of life - the course of love - isn't a straight trajectory. Always there'll be dips and gullies, peaks and troughs. All of us need to be mindful of this. Especially those with a chequered history of failed relationships. Lily had been twice married (to the same man) plus she had a long term Chinese partner before she met me.

 

Chinese ladies can be quite fickle and demanding in the ways of love and marriage as everyone else, especially in modern times.  It's an urban myth that they'll endure more, tolerate more, than their Western counterparts. Maybe two hundred years ago they were like this through pressures of circumstance and tradition, but not now. Chinese ladies can be witches and bitches and bastards just like everyone else!

 

In any case, I hoped Lily would one day remember the many good times that we happily shared, perhaps by looking at the myriad of photos we took, and then regret having made her precipitous decision. Was it unnecessarily unkind of me to hope her life in the future would be pleasant but a bit less colourful and exciting now without me in it?  In the dark of night, would she ever lay in her bed in her small ground floor apartment and wonder if she'd made the right decision?  My house in Australia was about ten times bigger than hers on a large block of land running down to a creek. Had she shot herself in the foot by telling me to leave? Particularly as her daughter now was studying at university in Melbourne and had told me only a few weeks ago that if given the opportunity, she'd love to remain and work in Australia. When I mentioned these things at the time of our break up, Lily completely dismissed them, as if they were absolutely inconsequential. Maybe now that time and reality has set in, her smug tune has changed?

 

Ah, what is this thing called love? Why do we feel so lost when not in a committed relationship? I liked to think that the splendour of joy and intimacy was a wonderful reward for commitment and compassion, empathy and understanding. But commitment's a challenging dance, leading to a wonderful romance, that took two to tango, not just one. One was indeed the most lonely of numbers. Suddenly this awful number enmeshed me totally within its clutching claws, like a brick thrown into a lake, being quickly fully immersed within the clutch of the pressing cold water. In other words, I was alone again. Naturally. No surprises here. The story of my life. Trouble and strife. Without a wife. Gilbert O'Sullivan would be proud.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z6pzZy1w3BM

 

I thus found to my chagrin that the glory and the power of love was directly related to the pain and the price one must pay for love. Happy days, if you'll pardon the sarcasm. As I've previously mused, was the anguish of inevitable separation worth it?  Was it better to forego the inexorable emotional torment and live alone? 

 

I  thought fucking love was supposed to make you fucking happy, not make you feel fucking miserable!

 

The longer I'm on this Earth, the more I'm inclined to say yes, it's best to live peacefully, live like a hermit. Depend on no one, be fully self contained and independent. Because invariably, if you hook up with somone, you're going to be let down badly. Lily had been my oxygen, when she left, I suffocated internally, gasping for breath, a slow, cruel death. Even to this day, I still think about her, I'm obviously an emotionally deprived, sad sack case of the worst order.  With her went so much of me. But our love was never meant to be. With the continuously falling sand within the hourglass of time, all this I can now quite easily see.

 

To put it another way, love is supposed to be a wonderful thing, full of joy and happiness. But I'd always found this to be a very temporary phase, before oppressive reality set in, as always it did. Whoever said life wasn't meant to be easy and was in fact a bitter pill to swallow, was a sooth-saying prophet of the first order. He should be given a knighthood, so sagacious were his words!

 

Waves of ambivalence continually swept over me in those early days. I wanted to punch Lily, to kiss her, to smack her face, to make love to her, to tell her how awful she was, to try to make her understand... but suddenly now none of this was possible in this foreign, unwelcoming land. She'd made her decision, she'd taken a stand. If only she knew the damage she'd done, we'd now be together, living as one. If only she knew how damaged was my heart, we'd be together forever, never apart. I hoped her conscience was ripped apart, just as was my own bleeding, needing heart.

 

Pondering upon these dour reflections, dispiritedly I looked down at my feet, feeling suddenly more isolated and alone than ever before. Loving Lily had caused the most exquisite extinction of happiness and loss of self worth possible. I hoped she felt happy at this. I can only say again and again. Was fucking love worth all this fucking pain?

 

 

(To be continued)

 

 

 

 

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(Showing 1 to 10 of 27) 1 2 3 More...
#2017-07-12 23:53:11 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

Barry, I realize that you are moving back and forth in time on us with various postings you've made, but lately I have noticed a pretty big upswing in the way you were viewing your breakup with Lily, and the way you were viewing your future. But this article, and a few of your recent comments regarding the recent wall that has been built regarding you teaching in China, has me thinking that you are back in some serious doldrums again.



Is that the case, or is it just because in this article you are writing about how you felt at an earlier time, as opposed to how you feel now? 



In other words, I am hoping that when you wrote "Was fucking love worth all this fucking pain?" you were describing the pain you were feeling "back then", and not pain that you were feeling at the time of writing.  Please confirm...



Regarding your feelings as you've described them, and your bouncing thoughts and feelings towards Lily at the time, I doubt there are many people reading these blogs who have not felt much the same, as we've probably all been dumped by someone we've loved, and likely all have also dumped someone who loved us.



There's no question that love can frequently be the source of as much pain as it was of pleasure, and the question is neverending as to whether the pleasure outweighed the pain, or vice versa. I doubt that the pleaseure ever outweighs the pain unless and until you have found that one love that lasts until death. I suspect that is the only love one can find in which the pleasure ultimately outweighs the pain, because that's the one where the pain doesn't come into play.



So does the question become, "When do I choose to stop getting back up on that horse just to be bucked off again?"



Or does it become, "I'm in a great relationship now, so how much effort am I prepared to put in to keeping it great and keeping it alive for as long as it takes for me to die happy and in love?"



Which question is relevant depends on whether, at that moment, you happen to be riding high on that golden stallion of love, or sitting flat on your butt on the hard, hard earth, with the golden stallion standing above, looking down at you and laughing.



At the moment, you are somewhere between those two extremes, and it seems that the first question is still the one on your mind, but what is your answer to that question. Are you going to mount back up, or are you going to walk the rest of the way to the end of your journey?


#2017-07-13 11:05:56 by anonymous16365 @anonymous16365

Barry, chinese women have a way of cutting thorugh all the feelings, thoughts, comittments etc to see how it affects them, when they find the source of the problem they identify it then cut it loose, she did just this to you in your relationship. I doubt very much that she considered how this would affect you only that it is what she needed to do.COLD HEARTED! 

I too wonder if it is better to stay single than put up with a womans jibber jabber all the time, everything is about them all the time and if it isnt they will cut your balls off. 

What type of woman would end a relationship via QQ and not in person, end it while you are still in her country teaching leaving you essentially high and dry. Enough said her actions show who and what she is, period.

If I was you and she did that I would have been alot more angry than you that is for sure mate. 

She frucked up and honestly speaking you got out before it got worse on her end. Consider yourself lucky!

Pints are on Barry!!

#2017-07-13 12:01:50 by Barry1 @Barry1


@JohnAbbot

 

Was fucking love worth all this fucking pain?

 

Thanks for your comments, John.  I sincerely appreciate your valued concerns and advice.

 

I'm okay. I'm writing in the context of how I felt back then.  It's a wonderful catharsis, being able to do this.

 

As for jumping back on the horse of love and relationships, well, I can't say too much. I don't want to spoil any surprises that may (or may not) be forthcoming in this series of articles.  Anything could (or could not) happen. :x

 

My best wishes to you, John.   (beer)(y)

#2017-07-13 13:02:09 by melcyan @melcyan

"life wasn't meant to be easy" True, but why do we act otherwise?

 

Taking over responsibility for nurturing ourselves at age 18 is not easy. Being clear on what we value most (and why) is not easy. Carefully choosing a compatible life partner is not easy. Building better relationships with friends and relatives is not easy. The day by day building of a higher level of intimacy with our life partner is not easy.

 

Why bother with these difficult tasks that never end? 

 

The answer is simple. We need to fully engage these difficult tasks in order to fully live life. The fully lived life offers us the greatest joy and fulfilment.

 

#2017-07-13 15:29:43 by Barry1 @Barry1


@anonymous16365

 

I too wonder if it is better to stay single than put up with a womans jibber jabber all the time, everything is about them all the time and if it isnt they will cut your balls off.

 

Well spoken - I couldn't have put it better myself!

 

Show me a totally happy married man and I'll show you a damn liar!

 

 

What type of woman would end a relationship via QQ and not in person, end it while you are still in her country teaching leaving you essentially high and dry. Enough said her actions show who and what she is, period.

 

Lily actually ended our relationship via a late night phone call, which is just as bad as ending it via QQ.  I had moved half way around the world to be with her.  She didn't even see me off at the airport. What a heartless person!

 

 

Pints are on Barry!!

 

We're on exactly the same wavelength here, my friend.  It's gratifying indeed to see that at last someone here truly understands me. 

 

Good on you, mate!  (beer)(beer)(beer)

 

 

#2017-07-13 15:39:06 by Barry1 @Barry1


@melcyan

 

"We need to fully engage these difficult tasks in order to fully live life. The fully lived life offers us the greatest joy and fulfilment."


Thanks for the comments, Melcyan.  But understanding how to live a fully lived life and actually being able to successfully accomplish this are poles apart unfortunately.

 

You're both a wise and good man, Melcyan.  Your wife's lucky to have you. My view is you're an outstanding example of a pinnacle Chinese/Western relationship, a terrific role model.

 

Well done indeed!   (clap)(clap)

 

 

#2017-07-13 22:55:29 by anonymous16370 @anonymous16370

Barry I am anon16365, I had also wanted to say but hit send before I fininshed.

You were truly in love with her far more than she was with you. 

For us men to still feel the pain of a past relationship attests to the strength of that love(wise or unwise),  the pain of that loss is made worse when it was not us who ended it and so suddenly with seemingly no warnings.

You are a brave, strong, independent man. You have every reason to be proud of yourself and to hold your shoulders high. There is a woman out there for you, maybe not a Chinese woman but there is a woman for you who will love "you" for "you"!!!

(sun)

 

 

#2017-07-14 11:12:06 by melcyan @melcyan

@Barry1

 

" I'm writing in the context of how I felt back then.  It's a wonderful catharsis, being able to do this."


 

We have all probably mouthed off abuse towards an ex-partner in a drinking session with a friend. It did make us feel better at the time but it has very little to do with reality. The danger of repeating these negative words too many times is that they become our new reality. There is a very real danger that this delusion will seriously contaminate our next relationship.

 

My partner is very smart. When my words become confused on an important relationship issue she will mention the name of an ex-partner and asks me how a similar situation with the ex-partner would have played out. I often describe how I would have probably made a poor reflexive choice and I cringe at the vision of a younger, more immature me.

 

With the benefit of being older and wiser, I can now see other options that I was blind to when I was younger. In my “cathartic” drinking sessions it was nearly always my ex-partner who was wrong (a fully-fledged super bitch, yes we all "know" them). Now looking back I see more and more things that I could have done differently and I fully forgive my ex-partners for the “wrongs” they committed against me and I unconditionally apologise for the “wrongs” that I have committed against them. For me, that is where true relationship catharsis lies.

 

That type of catharsis creates a strong foundation for a genuine life-long loving relationship. The alternative is to live with the vain hope of getting lucky in an endless chain of failed relationships.

#2017-07-14 12:12:09 by paulfox1 @paulfox1


@Barry1

It's always the 'blame game', isn't it? What did I / she do right / wrong? Whose fault WAS it that it all went pear-shaped?

'We all NEED somebody' - Why?

You wrote a blog called 'We're born alone; we die alone', and this is 100% true as far as I'm concerned. If we are lucky enough to meet someone whom we love, and who loves us, then we're very lucky. If not, then we need to concentrate on the relationship we have with OURSELF.

 

You are the 'boss' of you. No human being has the right to control another human being. Control can not happen unless we allow that control to take place.

You allowed yourself to love Lily, so don't blame her for your hurt. It's not HER fault you were hurt, it's YOUR fault for ALLOWING yourself to be hurt by her.

We're all indoctrinated into a belief system that tells us we NEED a partner. Once we find one, we then devote all our time and energy into loving that partner and expecting them to love us in return. Yet in most cases, neither person has a clue what 'love' really is, so how can they 'give' something that they don't understand?

Look at it this way-

You know that I am the most LEAST religious person. You know that I ABHOR religion in all its forms, and that I believe the Bible to be at least 80% total BS, and that it should be spelled 'BuyBull'.

But IF there is ANY truth in the OT 'creation' story that we were made in God's image, then you need to consider what we are told that 'God' actually is.

The pricks in frilly-frocks tell their parishoners every Sunday morning that 'God is Love', right? Well I have my own 'take' on that - especially since a great deal of what appears to be 'Biblical Truth' has been manipulated and twisted - How about God is 'Love' ?

If that's the case and we were all created in 'God's own image', then WE are 'love', aren't we?

Once you understand that, and begin to love yourself, you may find you will have more success when it comes to loving another. JMHO.

Words are easy to manipulate. We sometimes need to 'dig deep' in order to find the truth.

Woman, without her, man is nothing

Woman, without her man, is nothing

 

#2017-07-14 19:13:42 by Barry1 @Barry1


@anonymous16370

 

"You are a brave, strong, independent man. You have every reason to be proud of yourself and to hold your shoulders high"

 

Thanks buddy for these kind words.

 

I think on every logistic possible, it can be veriified that you're right, sadly I loved Lily more than she loved me.

 

It takes a special type of arctic cold heartedness for a person not to even see someone off at the airport, when they'd traveled half way around the world to be with the person.

 

I did my best but regrettably that wasn't good enough.

 

Thanks again, mate!  (y)(beer)

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