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Barry from Australia is a questioning soul who looks at social issues from an alternative point of view and instead of asking, “Why?”, he asks “Why not?” He’s convinced that many of his previous incarnations were spent in China. He feels drawn to the people there; attracted by their rich culture and way of life. If given one wish from God, he’d reply, “I want everyone on Earth to be the same colour, speak the same language, and treat each other as they themselves would like to be treated.”
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My First Date After Lily (Part 3)    

By Barry Pittman
2223 Views | 24 Comments | 6/26/2017 2:26:16 PM

"To see a world in a grain of sand, And heaven in a wild flower, Hold infinity in the palm of your hand, And eternity in an hour" 



William Blake's magnificent poem kept rattling around in my head.  Gosh, there was a lot of meaning in those four lines. Whenever I felt down in the dumps, I tried to recollect them, the problem being that sometimes I became so wretchedly immersed within my own stupid, arrogant insularity, that I passed them by.  Bad mistake!



Sure, I'd been dumped by my long-term girlfriend in China, but if I peered closely enough, I still had so much to be grateful for.  Happiness wasn't the absence of problems that of course were absolutely inevitable, but crucially, the ability to effectively deal with them.  Be positive. Be grateful. Be true to yourself.  With the passing of time, I can see all this clearly now. Though when the emotional maelstrom struck me back then, I was hurting badly, more than anyone knew. I thought it was a sign of weakness to exhibit any form of distress, hence acted to most people around me that what had occurred wasn't the end of everything.



But in fact, it was the end of something significant.  The world  - not your world  - but my world, suddenly had disintegrated. It mattered not a jot if I was supposedly learning lessons, to me all around were ruins. The wreckage in fact was a poignant metaphor for my whole life.  I was alone again. Naturally. No surprises here.



I did express my true feelings to those tiny few closest to me.  I felt I was a loser, a silly laggard. A stupid flaggard. A failure in life. A failure in living. A failure in loving. Oh, the bittersweet joy of it all.



But of course, it could be argued ipso facto, that possessing insight enough into one's faltering condition and be able to admit weakness was in itself, a sign of strength. Damned if I do.  Damned if I don't. Maybe I was being strong by not admitting my pain, by toughing it out, John Wayne style?  When the going gets tough, the tough get going? Or maybe it was the reverse - by conceding the truth, it would set me free and strengthen my character? No easy answers here.



But then again, very little of worth comes easily. More lessons are learnt from the hard yards of doing rather than basking in the glory of the actual achievment. The journey is more important than the destination. Quality more important than the quantity. The presumptuous platitudes rolled easily down my tongue. But who cared about prescriptive proverbs or supposed words of wisdom at this time?



Peace was my goal. Perturbation my flaw.  Pathos my preoccupation. Loneliness the end result.  I was living right on the razor's edge between an artificial overconfidence and being consumed by the conspiratorial Black Dog of discouragement and despair. 



I delved into a philosophical way of thinking. I knew absolutely nothing in our lives was permanent. So one had to simply accept this and enjoy what we had, whenever we had it. But if perpetual change formed the very fabric, the essence, the matrix of our existence, why were we so often confused or confounded when it inevitably occurred? Why wasn't the human brain by the supposedly advanced stage of evolution we've now reached, more readily adaptable to the chronic deviations and diversions, emotional swings and roundabouts, that kept constantly occurring around us within our tumultuous time on this Earth? 



Being able to write about these dour experiences hopefully will illustrate to others in a similar situation for whatever reason, that if one can focus on the light at the end of the all-encompassing chasm, rather than the gaping fissure itself, things will get better. Things will become brighter.  Life will go on. And more importantly, that despite everything, life was worth living. Any temporary trouble was certainly not worth dying a thousand deaths for, borne of darkest night fatigue and loneliness, where every thought was a battle, every breath a war. Until finally you flinched, you could take it no more.  You then knew what had to be done. A possibility of peace you saw.  A way out. Capitulation. But at what cost?



R.E.M.'s sombre song rattled around in my overburdened brain.  A catchy tune, a sweet refrain.  One I used to listen to, again and again and again.



"When your day is long

And the night

The night is yours alone

When you're sure you've had enough

Of this life

Well hang on

Don't let yourself go

'Cause everybody cries

And everybody hurts sometimes"



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5rOiW_xY-kc



There's no doubt that love can very unexpectedly and violently kick you in the groin.  Ouch! The difficult thing is finding someone who's worth all the stress and the pain. Is anyone truly worth all of this?



I've thus learnt that living alone in many ways is better than tying your emotions to another person.  Then dying a thousand deaths when they leave you. Then crying a river of tears, at least internally. Then lying to yourself that things will soon be better. Because they won't. They don't. I speak because I know.  Even though I tried and tried to grow and grow. To snap out of it. But all that happens is you start feeling worse. Because even though you can assure others about how everything's rosy  - and try to lie to yourself  - you can't deceive your innermost being.



Put another way, you can close your eyes, close your mouth, but you can't suddenly close your heart.  I had a thousand things I wanted to say to Lily  - but a thousand and one reasons not to do this and so I said nothing.



My friends saw me smiling, though I felt anguished. They heard me talking, though I wanted to be silent.  I pretended to be nonchalant, though I was internally torn asunder. Words, thoughts and feelings that I'd left pent up and unshared were taking their insidious toll however, words left unspoken are the most poignant and powerful of all. The silent scream that no one hears except yourself, the loudest bugle call.



It's a slow and tortuous process, that of emotional recovery. I eventually reasoned - rightly or wrongly - that in the end, for most people most of the time, it was better to live like a ministering monk and depend on no one.  Then you can be free.  You're the master of your own destiny.  No one can hurt you. Why tie yourself to a supposed partner who'll always end up leaving you?  At least this is what I'd always haplessly experienced.  A continuing, chronic rollercoaster of exuberation followed by exasperation;  happiness followed by heartache. Oh, the bliss of it all!



I urge everyone to not bother getting yourself emotionally involved with someone else. Why keep banging your head against a blood smattered brick wall, that gets redder and more stained, every time you end up being alone, as inevitably will happen?  Why risk playing with a fragile balloon of volatile emotions when you know one day it'll surely explode in your face when least expected?  You'll end up on your knackered knees, eating the dust and dirt  - the sludge and the slops -  of bitterness and regret, as sure as night follows day.



But in any case, let's move on to the tale at hand. My first date after Lily had kicked me to the kerb. The above important topics can be discussed another time. This article regresses back to the very next day after I'd been ungraciously dumped.  Crucial points need to be discussed here that to date, haven’t been mentioned.  Now seems to be the right time. If ever there can be a time that's right when you continually feel there's something missing. A vacuous void, a dark hole that cannot be filled, no matter how hard you shovel.



Ahh time, that furtive thief that robs us of our looks and youth. Steals from us our vigour and vitality. Depletes us of our energy and enthusiasm. Gives to us old age and infirmity, infection and invalidity. Oh joy!



Regrettably though, I've run out of both time and space. And more importantly, energy. As cathartic as the process is, writing about past hurts is never particularly pleasurable.This article will be completed later, when strange events will be described that occurred that even to this day, are indelibly etched into my memory, never to be forgotten.



Let me give you a hint however. Sometimes one's greatest love must end so that destiny can finally begin. One's kismet stars at last can become fully aligned. The goodness and grace of God's gentle hand touches lightly upon your shoulder, like a butterfly alighting on your hand. You witness a personalised fissure in time and space, where miracles materialise as if they were normal, where angels dance with unfettered glee, where the future unfolds alluringly, like a thousand rainbows on the horizon, shimmering so brightly in the distance. Beckoning seductively, you can almost touch them, feel them, taste them. Tears not of anguish but of immense gratitude form in your eyes as you fall upon your knees, thanking God, the universe or whatever's important to you, for your life, your many blessings, manifesting so clearly as they are now, right in front of you. The power of infinite love replaces that of the temporal type, your troubles instantly disappear.



At last you're truly at one with the universe, a guileless child of God, no less than the trees and the stars, freed from all self-indulgent, selfish cares and senseless foibles of the world, as ever you were meant to be. What was important yesterday was important no more. You utterly relax and feel rested, completely immersed and encapsulated within the love, the light and the purity of powers you'd only ever dreamt about but now as you sat there transfixed by the majesty you were witnessing, they became part of you, your innermost essence.



(To be continued)


Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
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(Showing 1 to 10 of 24) 1 2 3 More...
#2017-06-26 14:25:23 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

Barry, what a treat it was to get to read something that delves beautifully into matters of the heart, and touches so much on things that are relevant to CLM and speaks to our members of issues they are encountering, as you have, while exploring the world of long distant, cross cultural relationships.

Your description of the pain you felt while recovering from your breakup with Lily is both poignant and engrossing, because it is something almost all of us have gone through. We can feel your pain because we have felt it ourselves.

Likewise, I have felt the coming out the other end of that pain, much the same way that you have described. I have come to believe that recovering from a broken heart can be one of the greatest character building, soul strengthening and mind opening experiences one could ever hope for. You enter it feeling like your spirit has been run over by a truck and there is no hope of recovery, but you exit it feeling instead as though you've completed a spiritual cleansing that has set you free.

After many days of trying to deal with finding out that the world is apparently flat, at least in the minds of people who seem to think that if something is declared to be true within a vdeo then it is not to be questioned, I needed this reminder that there is much more to life than debating false flags, false science and false theories. Thanks for that.  

#2017-06-26 16:40:30 by melcyan @melcyan

“you can't deceive your innermost being”

 

Very true words! However, when we let our greatest fears decide the direction we take with our lives and we bury our emotions with some form of escapism – we are inevitably moving towards the deepest level of self-deception possible. This gives rise to our greatest challenge – how do we get in touch with our innermost being? If we want to achieve a high-level connection with another, we need to connect with our innermost being first.

 

If lies, deception, victimhood, denial and fear are allowed to pollute your daily practice, then you can never fully connect with your innermost being and consequently, you can never fully connect with another.

 

As John says, we all experience a painful relationship at some stage in our life. If it helps you create a stronger connection with your innermost being then that is the most desirable outcome to come from that pain. That stronger connection inevitably changes your daily practice which in turn helps to create a new world of better relationships.

#2017-06-26 21:42:47 by Imi5922 @Imi5922

It's very nice how you describe your feelings, Barry. For example:

 

"Put another way, you can close your eyes, close your mouth, but you can't suddenly close your heart.  I had a thousand things I wanted to say to Lily  - but a thousand and one reasons not to do this and so I said nothing.

 

My friends saw me smiling, though I felt anguished. They heard me talking, though I wanted to be silent.  I pretended to be nonchalant, though I was internally torn asunder. Words, thoughts and feelings that I'd left pent up and unshared were taking their insidious toll however, words left unspoken are the most poignant and powerful of all. The silent scream that no one hears except yourself, the loudest bugle call."

 

Having said that, we are already three parts in your story, and I still don't know who's this first date of yours after Lily.

 

Very nice portrayal of the human feelings, though. We had to wait so long for you to show your vulnerable side. But it was worth the wait. Nice job!!

#2017-06-27 19:37:31 by Barry1 @Barry1


@melcyan

 

"That stronger connection inevitably changes your daily practice which in turn helps to create a new world of better relationships"

 

Thanks for the well meaning and quite wise advice, Melcyan.

 

I am thinking though that maybe it's better to live like a monk.  I'm getting fed up with continually broken relationships.  This doesn't depreciate or devalue what you said however.

 

I appreciate your sentiments and wish both you and your wife well.  (y)

 

"I urge everyone to not bother getting yourself emotionally involved with someone else. Why keep banging your head against a blood smattered brick wall, that gets redder and more stained, every time you end up being alone, as inevitably will happen?  Why risk playing with a fragile balloon of volatile emotions when you know one day it'll surely explode in your face..."

 

 

#2017-06-27 19:41:59 by Barry1 @Barry1


@Imi5922

 

"Very nice portrayal of the human feelings, though. We had to wait so long for you to show your vulnerable side. But it was worth the wait. Nice job!!"



Thanks for this, Imi.  Coming from you, it means a lot.  As you are the undisputed King of emotive and creative journalism here. 

 

I still often shake my head and wonder how well you write, given that English isn't your first language.  Amazing!

 

Thanks mate.  (beer)

#2017-06-28 21:01:19 by Imi5922 @Imi5922

@Barry1

 

Barry, I don't deserve your praising words because I'm part of a big lie. If I were king of anything, I would be king of plagiarism. Paul exposed me. (sweat) In Paul's mind, to prove something, it's more than enough to take words out of contexts and lie about them that they were pasted, which is not the case, and he very well knows that.

 

Anyway, let's not bring garbage to your blog.

 

I'm looking forward to the next part.

#2017-06-29 10:06:21 by paulfox1 @paulfox1

Melcyan wrote -

 

If lies, deception, victimhood, denial and fear are allowed to pollute your daily practice, then you can never fully connect with your innermost being and consequently, you can never fully connect with another.

 

It's strange how most people will readily accept these words as the truth, yet not many people seem to know HOW to fully connect with their innermost being, nor what's involved in the process of doing so.

Connecting with our innermost being doesn't happen overnight. It takes time. Not only does it take time, but it also takes a lot of realisation that results in much pain. Not the kind of pain we would associate with suffering, but pain nonetheless.

No-one will just wake-up tomorrow and find that they suddenly know who they are, despite liking to think so.

Our world consists of people living in one of two realities.The first reality is where most people live. They see what's going on around them, worry that they are powerless to do anything about it, and accept it for what it is, despite all the evil, lies and deceit.

 

The second reality is where only a few million people currently live. These people see the world around them and know why and what is happening. They know that they have the power to do something about it, and understand exactly what that power is. These people are fully conscious of who they are. They are fully connected with their innermost being and have no fear about what is going on in the world around them. They understand why they are here and what their purpose is. These people are not afraid of the ridicule they receive from people living in the first reality, quite the opposite in fact, it's often welcomed.

 

It's impossible to make the transition from the first reality into the second reality without first accepting a few unpleasant truths. It's obvious that most people have the desire to make that transition, yet at the same time are, quite literally, scared of the truth, and therefore will never succeed.

#2017-06-29 10:40:43 by paulfox1 @paulfox1


@Barry1

I am thinking though that maybe it's better to live like a monk.  I'm getting fed up with continually broken relationships.

Great idea, Barry. Obviously well thought-out. Go and live like a monk and swap one set of doctrines for another, right?

Have you ever asked yourself why you are experiencing continually broken relationships? Is it possible that the fault lies with you, and not with others?

The age-old question - 'What is love'?

If this is what you are TRULY seeking, then I suggest you start looking in the right place. Not only that, but we have all been guilty of not only looking in the WRONG place, but also trying to find something with our eyes firmly closed.

John's snyde little comment above didn't go un-noticed. There's a huge difference in believing something and knowing it.

Knowing you believe something is not the same as knowing it to be true. Once you start to cross that 'line', then things will open up to you that you could never possibly have imagined. Once that happens you will fully understand what 'love' really is. Then, you can begin to find your true happiness.

#2017-06-29 10:44:49 by paulfox1 @paulfox1

In the words of Henri Bergson -

 

"Fortunately, some are born with spiritual immune systems that sooner or later give rejection to the illusory worldview grafted upon them from birth through social conditioning. They begin sensing that something is amiss, and start looking for answers. Inner knowledge and anomalous outer experiences show them a side of reality others are oblivious to, and so begins their journey of awakening. Each step of the journey is made by following the heart instead of following the crowd and by choosing knowledge over the veils of ignorance."

#2017-06-29 13:39:25 by paulfox1 @paulfox1


@JohnAbbot

You said-

After many days of trying to deal with finding out that the world is apparently flat, at least in the minds of people who seem to think that if something is declared to be true within a vdeo then it is not to be questioned, I needed this reminder that there is much more to life than debating false flags, false science and false theories.

I remember no such 'debate'. All I recall is lots of 'shouting' and cognitive dissonance. If you want to have a REAL debate, then how about publishing my blog 'The Truth Will Set You Free'?

Come on, this is a CHALLENGE to not just yourself, but to all who read it.

I really think you owe it to us all. Especially the faithful bloggers amongst us.(finger)

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