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Barry from Australia is a questioning soul who looks at social issues from an alternative point of view and instead of asking, “Why?”, he asks “Why not?” He’s convinced that many of his previous incarnations were spent in China. He feels drawn to the people there; attracted by their rich culture and way of life. If given one wish from God, he’d reply, “I want everyone on Earth to be the same colour, speak the same language, and treat each other as they themselves would like to be treated.”
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My First Date After Lily (Part 2)

By Barry Pittman
821 Views | 14 Comments | 6/4/2017 12:27:36 AM

“In order to find yourself, first you must lose yourself.“  I felt rather annoyed by the smug words written in the stupid book in front of me. A supposedly learned treatise on how to live life and feel better. What utter bullshit it was!  How dare they suggest that people should become dysfunctional or desperate, before somehow miraculously stumbling across some sort of supposed salvation. Much better to simply skip the bit about becoming lost and go straight to deliverance!



It was June 2016.  I was due to return to Australia at the end of this month, the university term finished soon.  Three weeks had passed since I’d been unceremoniously dumped by the Chinese lady I’d travelled half way around the world to see.  We’d climbed mountains together and in preceding seasons I’d endured an almost intolerably cold winter to be with her in her tiny apartment, so unlike my comfortable home in sunny Queensland.  So much for online international Chinese dating, another bullshit concept, or so I disparagingly thought at the time!



But yet… but yet…  was I blaming the wrong person?  Was the Chinese lady here the villain  - or the victim?  Was it in fact me who needed to stick his head in a bucket of shit and breathe deeply as some sort of wretched penance?  My whole life had been a burdensome succession of short term relationships.  I was growing damned weary of them, or more precisely, becoming utterly fed up with chronic failure and shattered dreams.



Walking into the bathroom, I dolefully gazed at myself in the mirror.  The reflection bouncing back showed someone of average looks; average intelligence; average everything.  I may as well have called myself Barry Blob, because that’s all I felt myself to be  - a gelatinous blob of brooding mediocrity, a paragon of abject banality.



  “Wake up to yerself, ya weak bastard!”



My English vocabulary or grammar wasn’t always the best when mumbling to myself.  But still, the message was clear.  I had to stop this interminable wallowing in the mud of misfortune and forge forward with my life. How could I expect someone to love me when I couldn’t love myself? Darkness couldn’t drive out darkness; only light and love could do that.  This included self-love, a fundamental foundation for relationship success.



I thus fought hard at that time not to become mired in the morass of being a self-pitying subjugate, a victim of my own myopic short-sightedness.  Importantly I realized my latest relationship had failed not so much because of me, but because of us.  



Upon reflection, there’d been insensitivity and inconsideration on both sides, not just Lily and not just myself.  She’d acted like a cold hearted bitch in some ways, but I was sure that if I peered closely enough, I’d also intermittently acted like a thoughtless clown.



But there was more. As emotionally harrowing as things were, inherently I knew that what happened on the outside, was ultimately far less important than what lay within. Relying on someone else for happiness and feelings of self-worth was a dire recipe for inevitable failure. I realized that only through the purges and the pain of failure and heartache could a better, sweeter, kinder person emerge, akin to an unremarkable chrysalis suddenly morphing into the most beautiful bird-wing butterfly.



I thus focused on my blessings.  Being thankful for what I had, rather than what I didn’t have. This of course was the answer I’d been searching for!



What did I now have? What were the results of all I’d been through?



Firstly, I now had probable long term loneliness.  Many months, possibly years of being alone.



Secondly, I was in a foreign land without a helper or translator.  I could barely catch a bus by myself, let alone take the two hour journey to the airport as I had to do soon enough.



Thirdly, I was basically back at the beginning, back to where I’d started.  A solitary, emotionally deformed and disfigured failure, bereft of all optimism and hope for the future.  



It was no surprise then that at that time, the Black Dog began slyly circling me as it had done the previous month, growling ominously with piercing red eyes during some nights. Awful feelings of despair and depression began biting at my heels, attempting to gain a foothold within me. Every time I tried shaking them off, a snarling recalcitrance darkly embedded deep within distressingly forced them to remain. Sounds and whispers were heard in the dead of night, as if I was under demonic siege from fiendish forces unknown.



One night in particular was worse than others.  I awoke in the early hours, sweating profusely.  I’d been dreaming deeply but something had jolted me awake.  A sound, a vibration.  Or was it my imagination, borne from the night terrors I’d recurrently experienced so many years ago as a young child?



Whatever it was, it had the desired ill effect.  My pulse was racing, a slight tremor shook my hands.  I felt an ominous contact, a brooding presence within the room that felt dank and heavy.  A scent of something wafted by me that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. A burning smell, yet nothing was on fire.  The last time I’d sensed this frightening phenomenon was back in the 1970s, after terrifyingly watching William Friedkin’s “The Exorcist”, still regarded by many as the most horrifying movie of all time, based as it was upon real life. The movie had deeply affected me at the time, just as now I was being involuntarily smitten by something awful.



“Listen closely...

Not for very much longer...

I've got to keep control



The blackness would hit me

And the void would be calling me”



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tkplPbd2f60



Lyrics from the “Time Warp” tune ran through my mind.  But this was no time for frivolity as malignant ministrations beyond normal human perception attempted to overwhelm me.



I felt profound fear that night.  The fear of being alone again, naturally.  The fear of not being liked or accepted.  The fear of recurrent failure, a hideous cycle I couldn’t be free from. Oh God, why hast thou forsaken me?



It was then a funereal future unfolded in front of me.  I was no longer youthful.  I was in a strange place.  Worst of all,  I was unloved and rejected by all around me. Melancholy musings of my younger brother who’d committed suicide some years ago took hold. Why had he done it?  Could I have prevented it?



Most night terrors were imprisoned within their disturbing dungeons by their very implausibilities, but on this night, things were different. Events galvanized into a mocking reality.  An aching torment tore at my insides, a silent scream echoed though my tortured soul.  An all pervasive creeping blackness extinguished all hope of relief, restoration or redemption. I was indeed on the very brink of the precipice, a chasm of madness lay beckoning at my feet.



Little did I know this was but the beginning of worse to come; unsettling events on the distant horizon were inexorably drawing ever closer, a holocaust of abhorrence would soon imprison me into a caustic nightmare of my own accursed creation.



 



(To be continued)


Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
Comments
(Showing 1 to 10 of 14) 1 2 More...
#2017-06-04 06:58:11 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

Barry, this is really exceptional description.  You have described your own slowly developing introspection brilliantly. Then you have gone on to describe the darkness/monsters/demons within and around you that haunted your night(s) in a way that I can feel them haunitng me.

I have many, many observations I wish to make and questions I wish to ask, but I dare not do that, because I don't want anything I say to change the direction this amazing story/exposition is going. I don't wish to influence in any possible way its unfolding.

I don't mean that you might consciously choose to change anything, but that you are so clearly on a subconscious plane that is leading you to an amazing place, and I hope none of us is allowed to alter your course by awakening you before your journey of self exploration and vivid description thereof is complete.

If you haven't already finished writing this self exposition then please do finish it before some hiccup in the universe allows it to escape you.

Cheers, John  (y)

#2017-06-04 10:24:35 by melcyan @melcyan

Well done Barry! Many thoughts and questions were created by your reflections. Then I read John's comment. Right now, I can do no more than echo his words -

 

"I have many, many observations I wish to make and questions I wish to ask, but I dare not do that, because I don't want anything I say to change the direction this amazing story/exposition is going. I don't wish to influence in any possible way its unfolding."

#2017-06-05 11:58:47 by Barry1 @Barry1


@JohnAbbot

 

"this is really exceptional description.........I have many, many observations I wish to make and questions I wish to ask"



Thanks for your comments John.

 

Pperhaps it is indeed better that you don't ask any questions because I actually have so few answers.  :^)

 

#2017-06-05 12:00:41 by Barry1 @Barry1


@melcyan

 

"Well done Barry!"

 

 

Thanks Melcyan.  I think your work and your words on this website is extremely well done also.  Congratulations!  (beer)(beer)

 

 

#2017-06-07 20:56:26 by paulfox1 @paulfox1


@Barry1

“In order to find yourself, first you must lose yourself.

Profound words, indeed. The problem is that you have no idea what that phrase means. It's OK, many people don't. I'm not saying that I understand it either, but I'll give it a go.....just for fun......

 

Take this phrase - 'Just because you believe in something, doesn't make it true'

 

Equally profound, right?

Let me throw a 'curved-ball' at you - just as an example.....

If someone told you that the world was flat, you'd probably instantly call them 'stupid' - or worse....

You'd do that without even stopping for a nano-second to consider WHY they made that statement in the first place....

So let's take a look......

Ancient cultures believed that the world was flat. The Mayans, Egyptians, even the Bible says so. It wasn't until the late 1400's that someone said it was a globe. How did they know?

We now have planes that travel faster than the speed of sound, we have submarines that circumnavigate the 'globe', we have bridges that span over 100 miles as well as architects that build them.

If you were to use the standard equation, which would be 100 (miles) x 100 (miles) x 8 inches / 12, then that bridge would be lower at one end by around 6500 feet due to the curvature of the Earth. Is it? I've no idea!

NASA shows us pictures of the Earth and Space - but what if NASA were lying?

Of course you'll say 'They wouldn't do that' - Are you sure? How do you KNOW?

In other words, people use the word KNOW instead of the word BELIEF - even when there's not a scrap of evidence!

 

So I agree, one has to 'lose' oneself in order to 'find' oneself....

#2017-06-08 23:52:09 by anonymous16133 @anonymous16133

@Barry1@paulfox1

“In order to find yourself, first you must lose yourself." 

means something to people who meditate

in order to find your true self, first you must lose your false self (ego)

#2017-06-09 03:44:57 by Barry1 @Barry1


@paulfox1

 

"NASA shows us pictures of the Earth and Space - but what if NASA were lying?

Of course you'll say 'They wouldn't do that' - Are you sure? How do you KNOW?

So I agree, one has to 'lose' oneself in order to 'find' oneself...."

 

In a mad world

It's a bad world

Where all the nutters are sane

And right now it's a mad world

And it's a bad world

with monkeys in control

Normality's down the hole

So what's the answer, you may say?

Simple. No way!

Put on a monkey suit and eat a banana

So you can live to fight another day!   (punch)

 

 

#2017-06-09 18:42:49 by Barry1 @Barry1


@anonymous16133

 

"in order to find your true self, first you must lose your false self (ego)"



So true.  Thanks for the clarification, my friend.  Great stuff.

 

On a more flippant note, this phrase reminds me of the Skyhooks song, that in 1975 was a number one hit in Australia.

"Ego Is Not a Dirty Word"

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R6B9YXhZPrM

 

"If I did not have an ego I would not be here tonight
If I did not have an ego I might not think that I was right
If you did not have an ego you might not care the way you dressed
If you did not have an ego you'd just be like the rest

Chorus
Ego is not a dirty word
Ego is not a dirty word
Ego is not a dirty word
Don't you believe what you've seen or heard"

 

#2017-06-18 20:01:26 by anonymous16193 @anonymous16193

Hi Barry, happy to see you back here. I thought you left this website for good. Welcome back! I read all your stories about Tina. My ex broke up with me, too. i was so sad at that time, then i read your stories, i thought maybe you could get back with her. but now i see its not going to happen. and i can see deep in your heart, you are still hurt. but you are getting better with the support from friends and family. you will get better. once, i was so sad, no, sad cant describe my feelings, i was suffocating. i felt like dying. every time i came here, i cried in pain, tears poured out. i have been on this website for six years. its a long time, especially for me. its a very good website. i met some very kind people here. in 2015, with millions of people here, we met. same age, a lot in common, same dream...... it seemed so perfect, everything was so perfect. its like a dream, too good to be true. four months later, he came to meet me. he traveled half around the world like you, to meet me. it was good,but there were problems too. so when he went back home. after a while, he broke up with me. i couldnt accept, it was too painful to be true.  but i was too naive, too immature. also because of my family issues, i didnt know how to get him back. my life was a mess, my family was a mess. how, how could i get him back.  then after i solved the problems, i wrote to him, no reply, i begged, i wrote to him many times to explain. but it was too late. there were so many regrets. i couldnt forgive myself. and now less than two years, he is married. when i knew that, my broken heart was broken into pieces again. two years, maybe for some people its short,for others its long. but for me, its still short for me to forget everything and forgive myself. so when i read your articles, i can feel it, deep in my heart i am still hurting. after the breakup, he told me he's done for online dating, enough for him, he wont do that anymore. so he vanished from here. just like you said, enough for online dating. after the breakup, it took me so long to recover, but still not long enough. i am so happy to read your articles here-dating again. moving on. that is a good example for me, i should do the same, move on. as the saying goes,  try everything, you never know who or what is going to change your life. millions of people here, we met love once, i am sure it will come again soon. thanks for those articles, i am looking forward to your next article.

#2017-06-18 22:54:09 by sandy339 @sandy339

I don't know what to say, but I do hope you could be strong and quick enough past the downs in your life. Everyone has his/ her time to recover from pains and hurts, but that should not be the keynote in our lives.

life is generally wonderful, if you look for the brightness. 

sharing you with one sentence I like:" If you choose the darkness, you will see the monster; if you choose the brightness, you will see the angel." so cheer up to CHOOSE something you like, and enjoy it.  Good Luck, Barry!

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