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My Computer Raped Me at Light Speed    

By Ken Silver About Asia
2407 Views | 1 Comments | 12/1/2011 1:11:23 AM

And I’m not talking perfumed soaps and a handwritten note afterwards, either. I’m talking sexual violence with all the steady green lights and blinking cursors and 5GB Ram –Ram! Ram! Ram!- a young computer has to offer.

Under the bright, 24/7 lights of the "Lucky Crocodile Internet Cafe" (In Rambuttri Village Bangkok), I dropped my 10 Baht coin into the slot and got ready for another 10 minutes of interconnected bliss. Little did I know.

Now, I’m no virgin… unless one counts sex with another human being, of course.

I’ve had virtual sex with Megan Fox – a lady sewer worker in Oklahoma – and with Miley Cyrus, who in real life is actually the dog no one knows is a dog on the internet.

But usually I’m the guy… oh sure, sometimes in cyberspace I’m Kinko the killer whale, stranded helplessly on shore a few yards away from the International Kinky Cheerleaders Institute, itself a few sandy beach yards away from the Catholic Crusade Leather Whip Research Center… but that’s a green fantasy… that is I’m trying to say I’m really just a straight up guy.

Anyhow… After reading the message from President Obama congratulating me for destroying the Euro… I hit on a message from EBay. “Screw You!” said EBay Central. “Due to Security Concerns, your account is terminated for one of the following reasons…
1-you are…
2-you aren’t…
3- you both are and aren’t…
4- you neither are nor aren’t… sometimes…
If you require further clear and understandable assistance, please contact the Gordian Knot and Sphinx of EBay Help.”

Damn! Security Concerns! A computer network wakes up from its own metal unfathomable dreams and decides I’m a security risk. Me, who has trouble dropping the coin in the slot.

Well, I spent the next three very expensive hours - as the young world of travelers from winter Europe marched drunk past the window – I think an elephant went by also, but I was busy; trying to find out What The Hell Had Happened? Had I purchased one too many Hello Kitty memorabilia? Market research, in hopes of starting my own copycat “Hello Pussy” brand. Surely MR. E-Bay Computer Network didn’t misunderstand?

When I finally did get what I think was a human being – I am aware there are voice modules with a Pakistani accent – I was told “I would help you if I could, but I can’t. You are permanently suspended”.

Damn! Goodbye “Hello Pussy”.

Damn! (Again.) Readers, you do realize the computers have taken over authority and decision making from human employees. The humans can’t help me because they are locked into the decision by their current computer screen. Human compassion gets a “Compassion Menu Not Allowed” message from the snickering motherboard inside the cold box.

And this goes all the way up the line in any large corporation these days. Nobody can help you because the computers won’t let the human employees do anything except what is allowed on the screen. And what is allowed on screen is pretty silicon cold. These days corporate software security programs work off of probability. If the odds are the miraculously good looking fellow (me) petitioning for mercy is probably also the weirdo buying one too many Hello Kitty Beach House sets (I deny it!) - the computer pounces.

As in “In a Probable Future, this user might have been a problem. Future Potential Problem of a Probable Future now terminated".

Have a nice 24 hour wake/sleep cycle.

Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
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#2011-12-07 00:15:59 by danruble @danruble

Ken,Ken,Ken, Get a clue.. The candid shot of you in the toga with the lampshade on your head.. And two..TWO girls teasing you with pure Kryptonite 238... Yikes! No wonder you go mental! By the way.. That Catholic Research center.. I think that's where they shot" Teenage Nuns in Bondage" back in the 70's...

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