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Barry from Australia is a questioning soul who looks at social issues from an alternative point of view and instead of asking, “Why?”, he asks “Why not?” He’s convinced that many of his previous incarnations were spent in China. He feels drawn to the people there; attracted by their rich culture and way of life. If given one wish from God, he’d reply, “I want everyone on Earth to be the same colour, speak the same language, and treat each other as they themselves would like to be treated.”
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My China Trip - Day 22, Part 3    

By Barry Pittman
6669 Views | 42 Comments | 1/16/2015 1:09:32 PM

To recap the scenario from the preceding article, I was in a real pickle. I’d suffered a bad bout of diarrhoea in Tina’s apartment on the very day that her toilet had stopped working. I'd been forced to run to her bathroom and unfortunately filled it up with an overflowing mess of poop. Tina in the meantime had dashed out to the shops and her return was imminent. 



I was mortified, not knowing exactly what to do.   The last thing I wanted was to feel like a low-class, dirty sort of person in front of her.



I frantically searched around, turning Tina’s kitchen upside down, looking for plastic bags and gloves.  To my dismay, I found neither. Oh no!  I realized at that moment that the bullet had to be well and truly bitten.  I had to dig deep and do what no man had ever done before - or would ever want to do.



I hesitatingly entered the bathroom. My steps were slow, akin to a skulking criminal heading to the gallows, who knew he was taking his last movements on Earth.  My stomach was churning, my legs felt like jelly as I ruefully contemplated the distasteful job ahead of me.



I peered down into the mess.  “Damn” I cried to myself.  But I had no choice.  Action needed to be taken, with or without gloves.



Taking a huge breath, I closed my eyes and with inner strength I never knew that I had within me, I plunged my bare hands into it.  Scooping up handfuls of the toxic brew, breathing in the noxious fumes, I then ran as fast as I could to the nearest window and with all the energy my now wilting body possessed, threw everything out onto the courtyard below!



Repeating this terrible process multiple times, I prayed that because we were on the fourth floor, no one could possibly know where the raining excrement was originating.  I hoped that the elderly residents having a relaxed smoke and gossip session I’d seen sitting a little earlier below in the yard, were not still there.  I’d also seen a gardener and a maintenance man working close by, both of whom also were regrettably in the direct line of fire.  But as any experienced soldier would realize and must accept, in the heat of battle, sometimes severe collateral damage was regrettably unavoidable.  Shit happens.  Never before - and probably never again - would this descriptive catch phrase ever be more accurate or appropriate.



A terrible thought then hit me.  I realized there was a tall apartment building on the other side of the laneway from me, not so far away.  I hoped like hell that no one gazing out of their window in my direction could see what was happening.  I then decided to cover my face and upper body with the curtains as I throw gobs of the mess out the window.  But what a careless blunder that was.  In my panic driven haste, I suddenly discovered my hands had left residue of brown poop all over the edges of the pale coloured curtains!   I'd been hurriedly moving them whilst attempting to camouflage myself from the prying neighbours.



Just brilliant!  What a wonderful, peachy situation this was (please pardon the sarcasm), akin to something straight out of “Fawlty Towers”.  Being tall, dark and slim, I even resembled a hysterical Basil Fawlty at his worst, on the verge of yet another one of his manic nervous breakdowns!



Dear Lord, why hast thou forsaken me!



With heart racing and blood pressure sky rocketing, I panicked, racing to the kitchen to grab a sponge or cloth to wash away the poop on the curtain.  If anything though, I made the stains worse. I then discovered that in my rush, I’d left a trail of dripping excrement right across Tina’s apartment.  And both my shoes and lower trousers were by now covered with dribblings of it as well.   I then suddenly realised that my arms were also stinking of poop, all the way up to the elbows. So was half of the bathroom.  It seemed that many parts of Tina’s normally immaculate apartment now had trails of dripping mess all around it!



I then heard a noise.  “Oh no, it can’t be!” I cried to myself.  But it was!



I almost lost consciousness when words suddenly rang out from Tina at the front door, who’d suddenly returned home.



"Barry, I'm back.  Where are you, sweetie – come and give me a kiss!"



My head went into overdrive.  I was most certainly in no condition to kiss anyone!



“Maybe I should hide, pretend I’m not here?”



I quickly realized this wasn’t an option though, as I couldn’t hide forever.  The whole place was covered in trails of poop anyway, there was no way I could cover anything!



“Barry, what’s that smell?  Has something gone bad?”



Tina walked into the room where I stood forlornly, shaking like a leaf.



“Umm,  I had a small accident….” I mumbled meekly out to her.



“Aaaarhhhh!    What’s all that on your arms, Barry!   Did you fall into the toilet?”



But wait – what she’d said was brilliant!   By jove, I thought maybe, just maybe, I’d get out of this awful pickle yet!



“Yes Tina, I accidentally dropped my mobile phone into the toilet and had to quickly get it out.  I’m sorry, but somehow I ended up covering some of the apartment in poop as I carried the phone around, looking for a towel to dry it.”



The story was just so absurd, in my crazed, neurotic state, I thought perhaps I’d get away with it.



“Aaaarrhhh!   Look at the curtains, Barry!  They’re brown!  They should be white!   Please tell me how your dripping phone ended up covering my curtains!”   Tina by now was starting to become slightly hysterical.



“Oh….  I hadn’t noticed the curtains, Tina.  I have no idea how they became so terribly soiled with poop like that.  Maybe they were like this before we got up this morning?”



Looking guiltily down at the floor, I lied horribly through my teeth. How could I tell this sweet soul that I’d been throwing bucket loads of crap out of her apartment window, directly on to her innocent neighbours below?



Suddenly a loud banging and crashing was heard on Tina’s door, with an alarming sound of panicked voices.



“What’s that?" I cried out, with my voice beginning to tremble.  I was sure I’d been found out and was about to be arrested for indecent and gross behavior. “What are they saying?”



“I don’t know, Barry.  Something about huge loads of poop raining down from heaven. They think maybe it’s a sign that the building is about to collapse and they want everyone to evacuate and flee for their lives!”



At this news, I fainted, suddenly becoming gently enshrouded by a beautiful white light.  I felt nothing but peace as the sound of a thousand glorious angels sang ever so sweetly to me from Heaven.



Lying unconscious, I was at last free, soaring sublimely up to the sparkling stars above, immersed by utter bliss.  Finally I was most happily and contentedly on my way Home, as ever I was meant to be. The dulcet tune from George Harrison's inspirational anthem "My Sweet Lord" played beckoningly within my mind.  Chinese online dating indeed had never felt so good.  I hoped I'd never awaken from the marvelous paradise I was soon to enter, the holiest of all holy places where for all of my life, I'd been subconsciously inexorably heading toward.  Up till now, I’d thought this Utopia would never be reached by someone as flawed, selfish and wretched as me.



Thank God, it seemed that I was wrong though, as the incandescent White Light around me spontaneously broke into a dazzling rainbow of a thousand different colours, each one shimmering serenely and vibrating on different frequencies, yet all of them exuding the most wondrous feelings of peace, harmony and love. 



Instinctively sensing I was about to enter Heaven, I earnestly hoped that upon arriving there, never again would I have to return to planet Earth, as full as it sadly was of so much disheartening heartache, searing pain and shattered dreams.



To be continued – Day 22, Part 4







Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
Comments
(Showing 1 to 10 of 42) 1 2 3 4 5 More...
#2015-03-29 16:02:51 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

Barry, with this blog you have taken the word "bizarre" to a never before reached extreme.

Given the recent criticism you've suffered over the squatter blogs, it's hard to imagine the shitstorm (pun fully intended) that's going to erupt over this newest assault on the ladies' sensibilities.

I am guessing that you're having some fun with us here, and that whatever events prompted this article, they are dramatically exaggerated for our benefit, but I will say one thing. If even 10% of what you described really happened, then the fact that Tina is still apparently sticking with you to date clearly demonstrates she is without a doubt the kindest, most forgiving angel on earth, and you should be pulling out all the stops to nail her down in marriage before anything else could cause her to come to her senses.

Just saying... (wasntme)

#2015-03-29 18:32:38 by belle777 @belle777

Hi Barry, thank you for your new article
I don't understand why you had to throw the dirty things out of the window, it is really a very little thing which happens often in life, you can find a wood to cover the toilet, and then wait for Tina back and go together to buy some tools to make the blocked toilet flow, or pay for someone to fix it, that is very simple
Is it a true story? I mean the way you deal with the dirty things in the toilet. or you made up the story in this article, if it is really true, then I think you may need a psychologist, sorry I don't mean it in a bad way, but after i read this article, I think either you made up this story by some reason, maybe as you said, your way of humor, or if it truly happened, then I think you have some problem in your mind
Anyway, wish you all the best

#2015-03-29 19:09:44 by belle777 @belle777

Actually from your previous articles, I can see you have some opinions about Tina, with this new article, I am wondering now, maybe you didn't have a good time with Tina when you were there, in another word, Tina didn't satisfy you, because she lives in the rural area, her home is in poor condition, she didn't provide you good meal, you think she didn't treat you well and you dislike her place, so you made up this story to satisfy yourself?
I think a good relationship should be something equal about give and get, Tina spent the time and money on you, while your main purpose is traveling, did you buy anything for Tina during your time there? something like thankful gifts for Tina's treating you when you were there, or did you help Tina to do anything? like fix something at her home or did some housework, or help her daughter's homework, from your articles, I didn't see anything about how you treat Tina nice.
If you got the chances to go to much poorer countrysides, I think you would be crazily excited to find there are various unique toilets and I would look forward to your one thousand series about them.

#2015-03-29 23:02:10 by paulfox1 @paulfox1

@Barry1
This has got to be the WORST blog I have ever read on CLM and you should be ashamed of yourself
I cannot express in words my total disgust for this story
It was totally un necessary for you to share this obnoxious piece of crap with your fellow members
John Abbot usually makes a traditional first reply, but at the time of writing I see nothing from him and only 'Shocking: and 'I hated this' from people who have the misfortune of reading it

For me, I read about 20% of it before I closed down my computer
Sorry mate, but this time you have gone too far....
I like a laugh and a joke, but this does not even border the boundaries of humour

You should be ashamed of yourself for even bothering to waste the time putting pen to paper

#2015-03-30 01:21:11 by anonymous13197 @anonymous13197

OMG!!!!!!!(rofl):o Barry me lad if this is the honest truth, I hope you really did faint and that when you awaken you are in the hospital from a severe case of food poisoning and Tina has not disowned you.....I don't wish harm or sickness for anyone but it seems the only way this is gonna end well for you.....

or....this is some great storytelling which had me rolling on the floor at the words and also horrified if this is actually true.....

Just wonder why you didn't toss it down the sink with extremely hot water and then sanitized the sink afterwards and opened all the windows????

On a more sombre note, when I was in China last year I noticed many older men, old women sorting through garbage bins for recyclables, old men riding their converted bicycles with huge stacks of cardboard wearing the most tattered clothing, most of them had battered remnants for shoes with no socks on laboriously pedalling through traffic with this heavy load, I can say that most westerners don't see this too often....this all makes me feel so sad.....especially for the old women, does no one care about them anymore, have their families forgot them.....so sad. I wanted to give them money but my gf said they would not take it as they would lose face. I found that very difficult to do as I am a very kind hearted man. When you really look close there is more of this than you first see and I also noticed that most Chinese people going about their daily lives really do not see it....


Look forward to part 4 mate! :D

#2015-03-30 04:02:52 by anonymous13198 @anonymous13198

Unfortunately, you are whacked in the head.

#2015-03-30 08:07:43 by Barry1 @Barry1

Thank you to those good people who have placed a vote in the "Our Reader's Say" section of this article.

So far, majority of the votes go to the "I Hated This!" area, although some others voted it to be "Interesting" or "Shocking". (rofl)

One young at heart person with a sense of humour suggested it was an amusing piece, placing a vote in the LOL area. This was my aim, so well done to you, Sir.

I never vote on my own articles so let's see how this all pans out.

My final comment is it'd be a boring old world if everyone thought the same as everyone else and tended to write the same stuff as everyone else, wouldn't it.

#2015-03-30 13:55:03 by melcyan @melcyan

Barry, have you made a bet with someone that you could get away with writing a story about diarrhoea?

I sincerely hope part four of day 22 is not going to be "diarrhoea part 2". Hold on, it takes at least 24 hours to get over diarrhoea. Maybe we will get diarrhoea parts2,3,4,5 and 6 to follow.

Dr John, please help - press the fast forward button now! How much s##t do you think we can take?

#2015-03-30 14:10:40 by Barry1 @Barry1

@JohnAbbot

"with this blog you have taken the word "bizarre" to a never before reached extreme."

Thank you so much for this gratifying comment, John. I take your words as a real badge of honour, as I've always enjoyed pushing the envelope a little.

Let me mention also that these disconcerting events could've occurred in ANY country of the world, so they are NOT in any way an insult to Mother China.

I feel that as long as something isn't overtly rude or sexual, then why not air it? The truth must out, for the greater good of everyone, I say.

Thank you, John, for having the both courage and depth of lateral thinking, to allow me to express such off-mainstream words. You clearly are a well above average man in a sea of many very ordinary men. (beer)

#2015-03-30 14:51:20 by Barry1 @Barry1

@belle777

"if it is really true, then I think you may need a psychologist, sorry I don't mean it in a bad way, but after i read this article........... then I think you have some problem in your mind"

Thank you for your comments, Belle777.

I cannot say that everything was one hundred per cent true...... yet nor can I say that it was a complete fabrication.

Put it this way. It was based on real life events, at least to some degree. But now you've described in more detail what should be done in a situation like this, if it ever happens again, I'll do my best to follow your well meaning guidelines. This will include buying some tools to fix the problem or using a piece of wood to cover it all up or getting a repair man in.

Thank you for your helpful and constructive comments, Belle777. (f)(y)

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