Chinese Women, Asian Women, Online Dating & Things Chinese and Asian
Barry from Australia is a questioning soul who looks at social issues from an alternative point of view and instead of asking, “Why?”, he asks “Why not?” He’s convinced that many of his previous incarnations were spent in China. He feels drawn to the people there; attracted by their rich culture and way of life. If given one wish from God, he’d reply, “I want everyone on Earth to be the same colour, speak the same language, and treat each other as they themselves would like to be treated.”
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My China Trip - Day 21, Part 8 我的中国之行,第21天,第8部分    

By Barry Pittman
6630 Views | 32 Comments | 1/8/2015 1:13:59 PM

It was late in the day.  Tina and I had struggled to do the three hour hike home in the dark, after visiting a half completed monastery in the far distant hills around her home town of Shawan.

As I walked, my mind had wandered through the myriad of experiences this and my other trips to China had taught me.  One characteristic I’d continually noticed was how happy or satisfied workers here seemed to be with their lives. Of course, there are exceptions to every rule - I'm talking about on average.  Most folks often were enthusiastically chatting or smiling to each other as they worked or went about their day to day lives, no matter who they were, how much they had or what they were doing.

But I must make something clear.  I’m referring here to normal people in China.  The middle class.  What I am NOT referring to was the strata below this, the bottom dwellers encompassing the genuinely destitute.  The homeless vagabonds, drifters, cripples and beggars.  These people of course were not happy, nor could they ever be, as government pensions and social support services sadly here were quite limited in scope and availability.

This heart breaking, rock bottom level of impoverished people in my experience were far more evident in the big cities, rather than the rural areas where I now resided with Tina.  In the large urban areas, they could more easily melt into and become lost amongst the dirt, dust and debris of everyday life.   Looked at every day by bustling strangers on their way to and from work yet without really being seen at all.  Or if they were by accident or misfortune momentarily noticed by a middle or upper class person, they were mostly condemned as just another piece of human detritus or appalling misery who was best stepped around and avoided.

Life in China was an amazing yet contradictory potpourri indeed, an enormous melting pot of the good, the bad and the ugly. Life here was a colourful dream for the rich, a fitful slumber for the middle, an appalling tragedy for the very poor.

I had no time to continue these rather disturbing inner reflections however, as finally Tina and I at last reached her apartment.  We were both knackered.  Exhausted. My God, this had been a long and rather weird day.  It had taken eight articles (Day 21, parts 1 to 8) to finally reach this point.  Hallelujah, it was nearly finished!

It was 9.20pm. Tina’s sixteen year old daughter Wendy was at her desk studying, having just returned home from school.  Yes, students here went to school for a few hours every Sunday evening.  This was on top of eight hours schooling on the Saturday.  And twelve hours per day attendance Monday through to Friday. So school was a seven day per week affair.

When I queried Wendy why kids needed to go to class even on a Sunday, she replied that the teachers considered it helped continue the study momentum.  That is, by forcing students to attend school on the Sunday evening, they theoretically became mentally focused and prepared for a whole new week of learning on the Monday.  The hard-nosed powers that be didn’t want to risk the children becoming lazy by having a whole day off without thinking about their education!

Students in Western countries just don’t know how easy their lives were compared to  China.  Competition for university places here was fierce and huge pressures were placed on many children by their families to succeed well. 

It was interesting also to note that which particular university a student attended had a big bearing on their job prospects.  Graduates from the more highly regarded, prestigious Chinese universities were much more likely to be offered a good job than their peers who had gained a degree from a second tier institution.  So whilst the fact that a student attended a university was important, exactly which university had been attended was crucial also.  This was assuming that the parents weren’t rich enough to send their child overseas to attend a Western university.  This was what Tina was planning to do with Wendy.  She’d recently sold an investment apartment that she’d owned in Chengdu, in early preparation for this.  Sending Wendy overseas would take a lot of money, a sacrifice many caring Chinese parents did for their children.

The nearest university to Shawan where Tina lived was in Leshan, a smallish town about twenty minutes bus ride from here and about an hour or so away from Chengdu.  Tina had told me in no uncertain manner, that when Wendy was ready to attend university, there was no way that she’d let her study at Leshan.

“Why not?” I asked.

“Because it is not a high quality place.  They accept students there who are not able to qualify for better universities.  Every Chinese parent knows which are the good universities to go to and which are the not so good.”

This was a real shame, as Leshan was close to Tina’s home.  It would’ve been quite convenient for Wendy to study there.   She only had another eighteen months of high school left, so choice of which university to attend would soon enough become an important issue for her.

In the three weeks that I’d been here, I’d not seen Wendy go out to relax with friends or sit down for even half an hour to watch TV.  She also was not allowed to surf the internet.  Never.  She was constantly studying, like literally millions of her hapless peers felt compelled to do all over the country.

After briefly chatting to Wendy, exchanging a few pleasantries and ensuring she’d eaten, Tina and I then had a quick shower without bothering to eat anything ourselves. My stomach that had been rumbling so loudly a few hours ago had given up its vociferous protests, succumbing to quiet acceptance that food wouldn't be forthcoming for a good while yet.

Both of us felt exhausted as we collapsed onto the bed, yet not quite so tired as prevent anything else from happening.

“Would you like to make love, Barry? Tina asked.

“Does a dog have fleas?  Is the Pope Catholic?” I replied humorously.

What do you mean, Barry?”  Tina had no idea at all what my Western style humour had meant.

“I mean yes, Tina.  I would love to make love with you”.

At this, Tina gave one of her sweet little smiles.  She was such a dear and gentle soul. Our lips touched, our arms caressed and our bodies soon morphed together seamlessly as one, as ever man and woman were meant to be.  We each felt triumphant, exultant and absolutely united in the strength of our love, brimming with appreciation, gratitude and joy that after so many years of fruitless searching, we’d finally found each other.   Chinese online dating certainly had its rich rewards if one was patient - or lucky  -  enough.

But yet…   but yet…. life isn’t always like the movies, where romantic tales invariably had happy endings.  In the dark recesses of my mind, a subconscious alarm was going off.  A strong sense of déjà vu was involuntarily felt; I was sure I’d been in a similar situation when younger with another person, that ultimately had led to massive heartbreak and heartache.  Specific details eluded me at this very moment, but vaguely disturbing apprehensions were beginning to awaken from a deep slumber within me.

My God, why am I constantly assaulted by these negative thoughts!”  I cried inwardly to myself.  For the first half of this trip, I’d been plagued by imaginary trumpeting elephants in the room on many nights.  And now the elephants had been replaced by feelings of gloomy déjà vu! 

It seemed every time that Tina and I drew close, the joyful bubble of love surrounding us suddenly seemed ready to imminently burst in dramatic style, like a highly pressurised rubber balloon being mischievously pricked by a child with a pin.

Did every Western man who fell for a Chinese lady undergo the same doubts that I regularly experienced?  Or was I just plain confused? A nutcase in search of a metaphorical nutcracker, to crack open and finally free the swirling clouds of hesitancy and ambivalence within me.

I innately knew that despite all the experiences and the intimacy we’d shared up till now, the emotional glue between Tina and I had not yet fully set.  The concrete holding us together was still a little moist.  Anything could still happen.

This moving tale of love was unfortunately far from being finished.  The distant howls sounding silently in my mind from the disquieting hounds of misfortune and trouble baying dolefully in the distance were up to no good.  They seemed impossible to get away from or defeat. I bowed my head in discouragement, sensing a long awaited disturbance and danger that lay restively inevitably ahead.

And lay ahead, it most certainly did.

To be continued – Day 22, Part 1


前行中,我的思绪又飘到本次及其他中国之旅中的所见所闻。我不断注意到的一个特点是,工人似乎对他们的生活感到幸福和满意。当然,凡事都有例外 - 我说的是一般情况。大多数人不论他们什么身份,拥有多少或在做什么,处理工作或是日常琐事,往往都会热情交谈或面带微笑。这不同于西方许多区域,除非你拥有一个巨大的宽屏幕电视,最新型号的汽车或装饰漂亮的房子或公寓,否则不会满意的。






我没有时间继续这令人不安的思考,这会蒂娜和我终于抵达她的公寓。我们俩精疲力尽,疲惫不堪。我的天啊,这真是一个漫长而相当怪异的一天。花了八篇文章(第21日, 第1〜8部分)才写到这。哈利路亚!















听到这蒂娜甜美一笑,她是这样可爱温柔的人儿。我们嘴唇相触,双臂轻抚,我们的身体很快就像男女之间该做的那样融为一体。经过这么多年无果的寻觅,我们终于找到彼此,爱的力量把我们紧密的联系在一起,我们喜不自禁,满怀感恩。中国线上约会当然有其丰厚的回报,如果有耐心 - 或者足够幸运的话。







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#2015-02-07 15:11:29 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

Nice work Barry, first you lull us into a false sense of security, telling us about the great lovemaking that occurs between yourself and Tina, and then as we bask in the feeling that all is well in Barry and Tina's world, you bring down the hammer of doubt. Great job of building the tension. :S

Oh well, I guess tomorrow is another day. Day 22 to be exact. You've got me wondering if it's going to be a day we'd rather not experience with you, perhaps a day in love match Hell. I sincerely hope not.

#2015-02-08 00:17:00 by melcyan @melcyan

“feelings of gloomy déjà vu!”

Doesn't sound good.

I have heard similar words about a relationship many times from other men. Barry, I don't know where your story is heading but a conversation I had yesterday has prompted me to make a general comment on starting a new relationship.

To give a new relationship the best chance of success a man should not start it before the wounds of previous relationships have healed. A man also need to understand the role that he played in the failure of previous relationship(s).  

What prompted me to say this? Men generally don't talk honestly with anyone about their relationship failures – especially themselves.

I had a haircut yesterday. The same man has cut my hair since 1994. It sounds bizarre but after my partner (and counselors) he is the person I have been most honest with about my life. We have both shared our personal history with each other for more than twenty years.

Yesterday we reached agreement on an interesting point. The man who accepts more than his share of blame for the failure of his previous relationship(s) puts himself in a powerful position. He now has the power to improve. He can change his behavior in order to choose a partner with more care and develop his relationship skills to create a much better relationship.

The man who blames others for the problems of his past has very little power to make a better life for himself.

#2015-02-08 02:00:01 by anonymous12917 @anonymous12917

Barry I tend to agree with John's reply in general. One thing I want to say for myself as well, you are not crazy feeling the negative thoughts, the doubting. Remember this: you are 60 years old, single, divorced and have survived bad relationships in the past with a Chinese women. You are also cautious which is smart behaviour, it is okay to protect yourself emotionally, Imi didn't protect his heart, his emotions and he got his ass handed to him.

I will finish by saying it is ok to protect yourself but if you feel Tina is the one then let your heart open to her and let her in forever cast aside the doubting Thomas feelings as we are not getting any younger and each day that goes by is a day we can never get back again.

day 22 front and centre..

Cheers mate....

#2015-02-08 08:29:20 by Barry1 @Barry1


"Great job of building the tension"

Thanks for this, John.

I could actually tell you what eventually happens between Tina and I, but then I'd have to kill you.

Your call. :D

#2015-02-08 09:12:38 by paulfox1 @paulfox1

you made LOVE?'re not MARRIED!(rofl)

#2015-02-08 14:26:00 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

@Barry1 - What to do? What to do? Given the rather limited and somewhat dramatic options you've offered me, and after a great deal of thought considering those two choices, I have chosen to live. I hereby release you from telling me "what eventually happens between Tina and (yourself)" until such time as you are good and ready to do so.

However, be warned, that when I reach Day 22, Part 141, I will likely opt to kill myself. (doh)

And also consider that well before then LadyMonika may already have gleefully put both of us (you and me) out of our misery. (rofl)

#2015-02-08 15:44:54 by Barry1 @Barry1


"you made LOVE?'re not MARRIED"

Very amusing, Paul.

I have a feeling that it's mainly men who read my articles, so I'm sure everything will be okay in this regard.

I'm sure also that those Chinese ladies who DO read this blog will be in full agreement with my actions, being the broad minded, lovely and intelligent souls that they no doubt are. None of us are getting younger, so we indeed need to make the most of what we have, right now. (y)

#2015-02-08 23:44:57 by Barry1 @Barry1


"To give a new relationship the best chance of success a man should not start it before the wounds of previous relationships have healed."

Thanks for your wise words, Melcyan.

In relation to the above statement in particular, let me say that sometimes it may take half a lifetime to fully seal the wounds from a previous relationship. or if one is lucky, maybe only five or ten years. What I'm driving at here is that the process may take a very long time - or maybe not at all. Maybe the wounds will remain open until one dies?

I suspect this is the problem in my case. Though I'm working hard to resolve it. I believe looking back with regret is wasted energy. Far better to concentrate on the present with an eye to the future.

Thanks also for sharing your anecdote about your barber. What a wonderful story. You both sound like smart people. More power to you, mate. (y)

#2015-02-08 23:55:13 by Barry1 @Barry1


"you are not crazy feeling the negative thoughts, the doubting."

Thanks heaps for the good advice, Anon12917.

I must agree that as I've become older, I'm more hesitant than before. More cautious. Just as you said, with age comes experience, which means no longer acting like a rash, hormonally charged teenager. Been there and done that.

In fact, a good friend of mine in his fifties is going through all of this process right now, proclaiming undying love to a lady. But things aren't going smoothly. I really do hope he doesn't end up like @Imi5922 with his sorry ass being handed back to him on a dinner plate (as you so colourfully described).

I sincerely do appreciate the words of advice that both you and Melcyan have given to me. The story is still unravelling in its own organic way. Anything still could - and most probably will - happen. (sweat)

#2015-02-09 00:01:03 by Barry1 @Barry1


"when I reach Day 22, Part 141, I will likely opt to kill myself.....well before then LadyMonika may already have gleefully put both of us (you and me) out of our misery"

Very funny stuff, John. You really should be a comedian, not a website manager! (rofl)

It gives me pause however to once again thank @LadyMonika for her excellent translation work. It's a thankless task and I really do hope the good Chinese ladies reading her translation appreciate the mighty effort that she puts in. (clap)

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