Chinese Women, Asian Women, Online Dating & Things Chinese and Asian
Peter lived for nearly a half-decade in China, including two as a Peace Corps volunteer, and is the author of Socrates in Sichuan: Chinese Students Search for Truth, Justice and the (Chinese) Way. It is the intention of his blog to foster the sort of intercultural understanding necessary for long term relationships.
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Asian Women Get More, and Better, Sex    

By Peter V
8322 Views | 24 Comments | 2/10/2014 4:44:44 PM
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#2014-02-27 14:20:59 by Barry1 @Barry1


Thanks for your kind comments here, Grace.

But one thing struck me. I've been thinking about this for a while now and finally I've decided to mention it.

You said,

"He deleted my profile here, maybe he worried that I would find a “RMB100 note” here."

But if you did this, wouldn't it be a GOOD thing?

Let me explain.

May I tell you about my "Number 1" lady that I'm talking to from this website (Lily)? Every day she also chats to a New Zealand man, for just as long as she chats to me. I now call him my brother, as in "How was my brother doing today? Is everything well with him?" He seems to be a nice man, from what Lily tells me. I bear him no ill will or malice at all. I wish him good luck, whatever happens.

Someone said to me,

"Why don't you ask her to stop talking to this other man? Aren't you a bit worried about it?"

But the answer to this was no. Not just because I plan on meeting more than just one person on my forthcoming China trip, but also I genuinely want the best for Lily. If she judges me not to be quite right for her and chooses the other gentleman - then of course I'll be disappointed yet content in the knowledge that she's found a good guy, even it it wasn't me. The fact that Lily will be happy will in turn make me feel happy.

So it troubles me ever so slightly, Grace - if I may be so bold - that your gentleman has tried to close your options down in this area. If he truly loved you, wouldn't he want you to find the very best man that you could find, even if it wasn't him? Doesn't he trust you enough to allow you to chat to other men?

To me, this is the definition of love - thinking MORE of the other person than you do yourself. This includes giving them the freedom to live without artificially imposed constraints, sanctions or demands.

"If you keep a bird in a cage thinking it's yours
but one day the cage door is left ajar and the bird flies away
then it was never truly yours at all"

#2014-02-28 19:53:24 by Grace172 @Grace172

I am really moved by your words, Barry. You are a very kind man. In a way we are the same kind of people, always consider others’ feeling than ours. I wish I can establish a healthy friendship with you. So my dear friend, I give you my best wish and hope you find your true love in May.
Thank you so much to share your story. Your case is different from mine. I think you and your lovely lady Lily have not met in person yet, right? You and she still have right to look for others before you two make the commitment to together. Of course I believe even though she becomes your girl friend, you will trust her and let her continue to contact with her friends (include male friends). If she decided to leave you away for other man (of course I wish this never happen to you), you would let her go. You would rather hurt yourself to make her happy, because you truly love her and hope to give her happy life. this is the true love. I said this because I am such a sort.
But my relationship with my bf is different. I am quite independent. I love to be freedom. So during the time my bf and I lived together, I did feel like a bird in the cage had lost freedom. I could not contact with any friend because it would make him uncomfortable. After he went back to America, I thought deeply. Yes, he did not trust me, but it also because of me. My respond to him seemed not too passion. First, it cost him a long time to tried hard to keep me to close to him while I tried hard to keep him a distance just stand a general friendship so that can know more about each other. My feeling to him grew shower than his to me, because I like the love grows like stream water flows slowly without stop, but not grows like the firework lit passionately and extinguish quickly. Second, he told me that many girls he contacted with before all wanted to marry him but I did not. I rather we live together for a period of time and see if we can fit to each before we make the decision. I told him it's easy for the people to fall in love but not easy to live along with. Third, I am quiet workaholics. He knew that I love my teaching job my students very much. But he also complained that I spent not too much time to accompany with him. Forth, maybe the forms of thinking between us are different. For example, he wanted to buy me a special birthday present, but when I saw its price, it was more than ten thousand. I did not want him to waste so much money on it. So I picked out other thing which much cheaper. He was unhappy and thought that I refused to accept the expensive present because I worry our relationship would break one day then I would feel shame for spending him too much money. Oh, God. In fact I did not think in this way. So these may make him feel unsafe for our relationship in contrast his former relationship with other Chinese girls. So I think he did not trust me because he did not understand me completely. What I wish is that one day he can trust me completely and will agree with me that beside the passion love we also need healthy friendship with male and female friends.
Well, I have to say he is not the type of man I had expected originally in my mind. Maybe I was not his type, too. But I felt his love to me. He never gives up holding my hand even though we had many quarrels. I love freedom, but I also like my hand is held tight. I like the feeling of being loved. Sometimes I think the flawed 4.5 Olympic Rings is more interested than the perfect full one. (giggle)
Everyone likes freedom. Like flying a kite, if I am a kite then he is like the person who holds the string. Without this string the kite will lose its direction and feel empty flowing in the sky. Vice versa.
When you find your true love, Barry, please not let go easily. Maybe she is waiting for you to hold her hand while you are thinking let her to choose and find her happy life. Well, maybe you love the type of girl who chase you and hold your hand initiatively.
Best wish to you my friend.

#2014-03-01 08:59:31 by Barry1 @Barry1


Thanks for the thoughtful and caring words, Grace.

You're indeed a very interesting person with many layers to your personality.

The major potential problem that I see here in your situation - that I mentioned on the forum - is employment.

You said,

"I love my teaching job my students very much"

This worries me, as I feel that if you move to the USA, you'll probably experience difficulties getting similar teaching work there, at least in the short term. I think the US economy is still a little sluggish from the fall out from the GFC (global financial crisis) and thus decent jobs may be hard to find, particularly if your English skills aren't up to the expectations that employers there may require.

Anyway, maybe we can discuss these issues on the "Serious Question" forum, rather than here? This way, we won't become confused. :)

#2015-03-25 04:07:38 by anonymous13160 @anonymous13160

"Your boyfriend likes to control everything" wow.

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