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Peter lived for nearly a half-decade in China, including two as a Peace Corps volunteer, and is the author of Socrates in Sichuan: Chinese Students Search for Truth, Justice and the (Chinese) Way. It is the intention of his blog to foster the sort of intercultural understanding necessary for long term relationships.
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Asian Women Get More, and Better, Sex    

By Peter V
8331 Views | 24 Comments | 2/10/2014 4:44:44 PM

Relationships with Asian women tend to follow what are referred to as traditional gender patterns, with the women assuming a more passive role and men a more active one. By contrast, in Western dating things tend to be more egalitarian, with men and women sharing chores, responsibilities and roles. Indeed, a criticism one not infrequently hears from Western women about Western male-Asian female relationships is that they perpetuate stereotypical roles. According to a recent study, however, it is Asian women are getting the last laugh—and more sex.



An article in a recent New York Times Magazine titled "Does a More Equal Marriage Mean Less Sex" (February 6, 2014) reported on a study in The American Sociological Review. This study found that when men performed certain types of chores—specifically things like folding laundry, cooking or vacuuming—couples had less sex, 1.5 fewer times per month than those whose husbands did more traditionally masculine chores, like taking out the trash or fixing the car. And it was not just the quantity but the quality of the sex that was affected by the division of labor. It seems the more traditional the division of labor, meaning the greater the husband’s share of masculine chores compared with feminine ones, the greater his wife’s reported sexual satisfaction.



It is just another example of the classic saying to be careful of what you ask for, because you might get it. For several generations, women in the West have sought equality with men. Not only equality before the law but equality in all social settings and equality within the relationship, a 50-50 division of chores, duties, responsibilities. There is even a term for such a relationship: "peer marriage." And by and large women in the West have achieved this goal



It seems, however, that as much as women have been asking for equality in a relationship they react by desiring less a man who gives them what they have asked for.  I am reminded of a scene in Tootsie, where a woman tells Dustin Hoffman disguised as a woman how she wants to be seduced at a party, and when Dustin Hoffman dressed as himself does exactly what she has told him to do, she throws a drink in his face and slaps him. Of course, Freud foresaw all of this: “The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is 'What does a woman want?'”



The New York Times magazine piece is written by a female marriage counselor. And you might think that as a result of reading this research, she would counsel her patients to perhaps consider taking a more traditional approach to gender roles.  But instead, she concludes that the situation as it currently stands in the West is simply a modern tragedy that is "a paradox to be lived with, not solved." At first, I thought this was just crazy. Since she knows what is causing a problem in many marriages, why not tell couples the solution? However, as I thought about it, I saw her point. Gender equality is the dominant cultural paradigm in the West, and the attempt by any individual to subvert an entire paradigm is likely to be unsuccessful. So Western men dating Western women are probably stuck with the problem that the article discusses.



Fortunately, Western men don’t have to be stuck dating Western women.


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(Showing 1 to 10 of 24) 1 2 3 More...
#2014-02-10 16:42:55 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

I am happy to report that I rarely do any of the housework in our home, with the exception that I have taken on the washing of the dinner dishes every night, or at least the loading of the dishwasher. I do the usual fixing of things that a man was traditionally expected to do, and most of the heavy lifting.

Until this moment I was somewhat ashamed to disclose the above information, but now I feel I can take a certain amount of pride in it. Thank you, Peter, for setting me free!

#2014-02-10 17:58:23 by anonymous8844 @anonymous8844

"Fortunately, Western men don’t have to be stuck dating Western women."

Here Here!! Thank goodness we are not stuck dating western women!!

#2014-02-10 18:01:38 by ThunkJunk @ThunkJunk

I've dated several American women who have become upset when I assume paying the check or insist on opening doors for them only to be scoffed at again for going the other way trying to appease their apparent sensitivities. It is a pain to worry about being politically correct when we're supposed to be getting to know one another.

It is all a bit too complicated to be sexy. As far as a man doing the laundry or the sort of thing traditionally considered the job of a housewife...a man folding clothes doesn't seem very sexy. I don't feel sexy doing it and I can't imagine I look as sexy as I could be by flexing my muscles doing harder work. A woman cleaning the gutters is also not sexy. Dirty smelly women are not sexy. That is just a fact of nature politically correct or not.

I love the institution of sajiao. We all know the woman could do the thing she is asking on her own, but it is damn sexy. It is also much easier to assume classic gender roles because everyone knows what they are supposed to be. That doesn't mean the woman has to be a dependent, hell, I'll do the laundry while she is work and I'm not.

One cliche is that if a woman is not happy then neither will the man. So, if making a woman happy is too complicated, as it is with many American women, then us Western men will find our way to women who see life and relationships as a little less complicated and more open to the simple ways of the heart.

#2014-02-10 18:40:08 by supermario @supermario

Indeed I agree

#2014-02-11 12:32:21 by pourquoipasamour @pourquoipasamour

@petervernezze Very interesting your article. I like the best the Freud part. In Brazil they say "from the mouth of a judge and the mind of a woman, you never know what will come out". A friend of mine that lived many years in Germany, told me that his GF would mark in the calendar the "sex days". He also told me that one day in the middle of their love making she asked for the remote control, to change the TV station. Very romantic, eh? German girls in general, would come in the last places as far as romance goes. You would get a clean house, everything organized, everything in the right place, total discipline......but love, only in your dreams.

#2014-02-12 01:16:59 by anonymous8858 @anonymous8858

A most interesting article and I think it bears asking.. Why?

Is it because the men dont feel as masculine and sexy after being made to assume a woman's role? Is it because the couples who are more likely to have an equal share of housework chores are likely to be equally busy with serious jobs and are equally tired at the end of the day?

Its dangerous to assume correlation equals causation. It causes a lot of mistaken assumptions.

But then again the more I think about it, the more I think "who cares?" I do really want to take the woman who makes me feel needed and cooks me dinner and takes care of me in my arms and kiss her, tell her thank you for being so good to me then pick her up and carry her back into my cave to @$%# her senseless!

#2014-02-13 07:05:44 by anonymous8870 @anonymous8870

I have read and reread some of the answers here and have enjoyed the replies. I think for men to be forced or made or badgered into doing or assuming the roles that to most men are non masculine goes against 100,000 years of evolution. I do some of them if I choose to help, I do not do them because it is expected of me, as I do not expect her to do the heavy stuff, watch their facial reaction when you ask them to help out with the heavy stuff...lol

I am here looking for a Chinese woman to be my partner or wife as I am tired of the double standard that is put on Western men by female portion of western society.

Most western woman are lazy, selfish and have let the idea of a family structure die in favour of self gratification... a very sad state of affairs.

I am also hoping that our Chinese sisters here will comment on this excellent article by Peter as well as more of our Western brothers here.

Love it!!!!

#2014-02-13 14:11:28 by Barry1 @Barry1

@anonymous8858

"then pick her up and carry her back into my cave to @$%# her senseless!"

I'm sorry, Tyler - could you please elaborate on what you mean by @$%#?

I'm sure the dear Chinese ladies here who like me, also don't understand gibberish would be interested to know what you mean as well? (giggle)

#2014-02-14 00:23:39 by Grace172 @Grace172

Really? But my ex Chinese husband never gave me a hand in any housework not even helped with washing and baby-sitting. I had to take care of my baby and him. But I did not feel I got more or better sex at that time. It made me feel that I did not have a husband but a "son". Well, my existing American bf likes to share the housework with me, doing laundry, cooking, washing dishes, sometimes he even makes breakfast for me. We are very pleased in sex together ever day. I think he is very masculine and assertive because he likes to control everything. So according to the report, how to explain these?

#2014-02-14 00:57:07 by woaizhongguo @woaizhongguo

@anonymous8858 You raise a good point about not confusing correlation with causation. I suggest you follow the link and read the original article. The author addresses many of these concerns.

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