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Sandy is a professional teacher of English. She has a consistant curiosity in all things that are worthwhile, and she has a very frank nature to her personality, which plays two sides in her life. Studying and teaching English for so many years makes her feel close to and appreciate mainstream western culture. Her spiritual beliefs in this world are closest to being a Buddhist, so she tends to just let things go forward naturally. Among other things she will blog about Chinese women, traditional and not so traditional.
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Marriage or Not?    

By Sandy
3073 Views | 11 Comments | 6/5/2014 11:06:25 AM

Recently I chatted with a guy (an ordinary friend) , when we talked on the toptic on relationship and marriage, hereunder is our conversation:



I: I need a serious relationship which could lead to a mariage, though it sounds so cliche…



He: Why do you need the marriage?



I: Why not?



He: Oh no, what I mean is that after my last experience with marriage I would prefer to stay alone than living together with the wrong one.



I:  Ok that is for sure. That is why a relationship first, I am confused too.



He: Marriage is for me a final step for giving financial securety to the Partner. It is not neccessary to prove my love to my partner



I: Haha, so you want to build a relationship in an air castle, I am puzzled too, let me think why I want a marriage.



He: No, but the marriage today is not necessarily forever. at least not here...



I: Ok so what do we really need ?



He: If both Partners do not try to understand the others needs then the relationship will fail, with or without marriage.



I: Yes that is for sure…



After our conversation, I thought hard why I just want a relationship, which might lead into a happy marriage later on. Or do I really need to change my mindset? Or am I really tough enough to bear the failures for the uncertain relationship? Ok let me put it in this way:



Emotionally I want to settle down with a nice guy only, I should have a safe and relaxed feeling to him knowing we belong to each other only. This is the only way for me to get involved. Otherwise, I quit.



And as indicated in the picture there are a lot more than love in a marriage, like money, chores, children, inlaws, sex, infidelity, etc. Even if we love each other very much, but are we ready for all the others? Can we just enjoy love without considering real world? Just let love in and let it happen? It seems inpossbile now.



I remember Barry said everyone is a whole package, so we should consider everyone as a package, and after weighing it, and then take it or leave it. It seems the only way for me to do. Not like Yinluck, and a lot of liberal western girls, I still need a conventional relationship, which could lead to a steady and happy marrige.



If we just follow our heart, and think as long as the feeling is true and sincere, we could develop. In this way we could be very easily deceived and used by some shameless bastards.



Haha, after all these analysis, I am back to my original thinking, nothing is changed, I just get a clear and determined mind about it. What do you think about it?  


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#2014-06-05 11:32:04 by anonymous10212 @anonymous10212

your friend is a wise man. Having been in a marriage to the wrong person for far too long I would have to agree with him. The only disagreement I have with him is the only marry to provide financial support. I think if 2 people love enough to commit to each other for life marriage is the way to solidify the love.....

my 2 cents worth.....

#2014-06-05 14:15:52 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

Nice article Sandy, and a subject worth thinking about. I'm frankly not sure it matters whether a couple is married or not, but I do think that most human beings want one lifelong relationship with a person they can trust and treasure and who in turn can trust and treasure them. Is it crucial that we be married as opposed to simply committed to a life partnership that is not formalized with a marriage license? I'll be interested to see the comments of others on this point!

#2014-06-05 21:27:56 by melcyan @melcyan

Hi Sandy
I agree with John Abbott's comment on marriage.

You are an intelligent woman who most likely has high level research skill using the Chinese language and reasonable research skills using the English language.
I just googled the following-
1. Are you relationship ready?
2. What makes a relationship successful?
3. Overcoming the problems of a long distance relationship
4. How to choose a life partner
5. How can I be the best me?
These searches produce useful information and strategies.
Have you ever used an internet search engine to explore these types of questions or topics? My partner says I am just one of a very small percentage of people who would do this. I hope this is not true. As a teacher I have tried to develop in my students good research and evaluation skills that can be applied to any issue that is important to them. Could you tell me if internet searches of the above five questions/topics in Chinese and then English get similar results?

#2014-06-08 13:12:01 by sandy339 @sandy339

@anonymous10212
Thanks for your comment:)
He is a wise man? I don’t think so, our conversation is so boring, soon ended already. He is just an another ordinary man who wants to maximate his own benefits without too much care about others. I absolutely support we should end the wrong marriages as soon as possible.
“I think if 2 people love enough to commit to each other for life marriage is the way to solidify the love. “ yes, that is exactly what I am expecting to…thanks for sharing your opinion...Maybe next time you could give us 3 cents worth opinion? haha just kidding, Have a nice weekend:)

#2014-06-08 13:40:32 by sandy339 @sandy339

@JohnAbbot
Xixi really? I think it is not so complete logically, but it is complete to express what I am thinking about it now.
I notice one thing which I feel funny: there are a lot of things in the world we could understand and accept then they are somebody else’s business, like the same sex marriage, the other women, etc. When coming to personally it becomes a different story, people usually protect theriselves with conventions, haha, me too. I think maybe it happens to most of human.
Ok I see your point, yes, people are different. There is no one size that could fit all, we only need to figure out what is our size, I cann’t accept it now, for which I missed a guy I really like. I simply dare not try under this condition. But a Buddhist, I think in this way: it is not my time yet, who knows, maybe I need to change my mindset?Thanks for your comment and have a nice weekend:)

#2014-06-08 16:45:24 by sandy339 @sandy339

@melcyan
Hi Melcyan
Thanks for your comment:)
I have a high level reseach skill? I am not quite sure about it, I am still trying to do that, there are a lot to learn Ok I see your point, yes I need to google it, actually we use google and baidu a lot for researching some relevant information for our papers, it helps a lot. So I think in academic field everybody uses it, and you are just part of us.

Oh, ok you are a teacher too, good to know that…“As a teacher I have tried to develop in my students good research and evaluation skills that can be applied to any issue that is important to them.” Yes that is true, sometimes I gave some assignments to my students, they did amazing jobs by searching broadly on internet, you will never know how good and impressive they are… I am so impressed by their works, which often reminds me of Barbra Streisand’s Memory in the Cat (it sounds sad, half kidding actually I am very active and upbeat in life.) I feel young kids are really hopes of tomorrow, we need to give them some guidance and support. That is tide in life.

“Could you tell me if internet searches of the above five questions/topics in Chinese and then English get similar results?” Ok I did search on these,here are the results:
1. Are you relationship ready?
http://www.egouz.com/yuedu/topics/581.html
2. What makes a relationship successful?
http://xl.wenkang.cn/ash/laxl/2118619.html
it lists three thing: Attention; Affection; Appreciation. (to me appreciatoin is always the first factor.)
3. Overcoming the problems of a long distance relationship http://www.psycofe.com/read/readDetail_41763.htm in genreal it gives some suggestions.
4. How to choose a life partner
http://www.psycofe.com/read/readDetail_16912.htm
it tells a story, and illustrate how important the parents’ influence and how important the two can complete with each other.
5. How can I be the best me?
http://hi.baidu.com/iebkcn/item/db848c2fa0facbf10f37f960

No matter it is in English or Chinese, to me they are all kind of homiletic, I don’t care too much about these kind of materials.

Thanks again for your comments and have a nice weekend:)

#2014-06-09 13:43:49 by melcyan @melcyan

Hi Sandy
Thank you for your detailed response to me.
"No matter it is in English or Chinese, to me they are all kind of homiletic, I don’t care too much about these kind of materials." 
After reaching for the dictionary to find out what "homiletic" meant I was surprised by this comment.( homiletic = preachy, sermon like) I have had a lot of counseling in my lifetime and maybe that is why I don't view them the same way. Just like there are good counselors and bad counselors, there are also good and not so good websites covering this material. A good counselor never preaches or tells a client what to do. A good counselor helps a client discover for themselves how to live their life in a better way. I tend to automatically ignore material that does not treat the reader with respect and capable of making a decision on their own after being provided with information.
Thank you for the time and care you put into your response. Much appreciated.

#2014-06-10 22:09:41 by sandy339 @sandy339

@melcyan
"A good counselor helps a client discover for themselves how to live their life in a better way. " ok yes it makes a lot of senses to me, such kind of counselor is so hard to find, most of time I just don't trust and appreciate them. But once I trust him/her, I totally accept what they advice... Thanks for sharing your opinion:)

#2015-02-15 19:16:30 by olayoil @olayoil

sometimes i enjoy my single life ,no disputes ,freedom....

but sometimes i want to love and to be loved ,in western contries, many people only enjoy the love feelings ,so they reject marriage ,no responsibilities ,no burden....... in China,if the relationship is not for marriage , it is not moral based on our culuture , and it is not stable relationship too ,we both are free , we can jump from the one to others .....

so ,marry or not ,depends how much the love ,the both life value....
now i prefer to be alone more than being with the wrong man.

#2015-02-22 12:53:01 by olayoil @olayoil

Marriage is a product of a serious relationship between couples who are in love. There is nothing to fear if the guy seriously loves you.

Nobody can predict if a relationship will work out because both you and your partner needs to work it out to have a lasting marriage.

Others look at marriage as just a piece of paper but don't realize that signing that piece of paper needs WILL and COMMITMENT to what the piece of paper says.

Don't go for a guy who just want you on his bed but doesn't commit his life for you. In love there is nothing to fear even when you attest your signature on a piece of paper called marriage certificate.

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