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Lily, originally from Sichuan province (home of spicy food), has lived in Zhejiang province since 2007. She has over 10 years of work experience in international companies in Shenzhen, using English daily; thus having a relatively good command of English. An honest, caring, communicative, appreciative and positive person, Lily enjoys reading, thinking, learning, listening music, nature & dogs. Continuous learning and self-improvement is her life-time goal. She will blog about: keeping a positive outlook on people, things and life; the importance of maintaining good-balance in all aspects of life; Know yourself and what you want before searching for and finding the one most suitable for you. Lily hopes to share her knowledge with others while also learning from them.
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Let Your Instinct Guide You to Find Your Right One 让你的直觉指引你找到那个对的人    

By Lily
1790 Views | 11 Comments | 10/17/2016 1:47:13 PM

During your first, several or whole interaction with someone you are contacting, have you ever experienced one, several or all mentioned as followings? 在和对方交往的第一次,几次或是整个互动中,你曾经有经历过下面所说的一种、几种或是所有情形吗?



You felt one, several times or always uncomfortable but you chose ignore your instinct, feeling and go on? 你曾经有一次、几次或是总是感觉不舒服但却选择了忽略自己直觉、感受而继续前行吗?



If yes, it probably implies you are sensitive person and have keen instinct or there is some unhealed psychological trauma inside of you. You don't trust in yourself including your instinct, your body and the signal that your body was intending to send to you. 如果有的话,它很可能意味着你是一个敏感的人,你有敏锐的直觉或是有某种内在没有被治愈的心理创伤。你不相信自己,包括你的直觉和你的身体以及身体试图发给你的信号;



You felt one, several times or always confused or doubt on yourself like if you are over sensitive to that; 就不舒服的感觉,你有一次、几次或是总是感到迷惑或是怀疑你自己,比如是不是自己过度敏感了?



If yes, it probably implies you don't trust in yourself, lack in self-confidence and have low self-esteem, low value and don't know or can't see your own values. 如果有的话,它很可能意味着你对自己没有信任。此外,它还说明你很可能缺乏自信,低自尊、低价值以及不了解或是不能看到自己的个人价值;



You thought you probably are too picky or a perfectionist when hesitate on the uncomfortable feeling. 当你在为自己感受到的不舒服的感觉而犹豫的时候,你认为自己很可能是太挑剔或是一个人完美主义者.



If yes, it probably implies you don't have trust in yourself and may be a little bit critical, strict with yourself and lack self-acceptance and self-affirmation. 如果有的话,它很可能意味着你不相信自己以及你可能对自己有点严格、自我批评和缺乏自我认可和肯定。



You worried about you probably will miss or lose a good or suitable person or happy marriage for you due to your hesitation on uncomfortable feeling and have chosen to believe yourself and your instinct.你担心因为自己对不舒服感的犹豫或是选择相信自己和自己的直觉后,很可能因此会错过或是失掉一个好人或是适合的人或是一桩好姻缘。



If yes, it probably implies you don't have trust in yourself and have thought or expected the other is too good or perfect. 如果有的话,它很可能意味着你不相信自己以及把对方想得或是期望得太好和太完美了。



When you feel above, it doesn't always means the other is a bad person but at least it says you both probably are not good match for a serious relationship and marriage or you need be aware of the inside psychological trauma and heal it. 当以上的情形有发生,不一定意味着对方一定是一个差的人但至少可以说明你们俩很可能彼此不适合进入到一段严肃关系和婚姻或者你现在还需要留意并修复内在心理创伤。



From many cases of failed relationship and marriage, we can see it is actually one or both put themselves into the mismatching and suffering relationship or marriage step by step due to the lack of self-confidence, low esteem and value and don't know about own values. There is at least one time or times that they could save up themselves but they just choose ignore own instinct or feeling and don't not believe themselves. In china, we often heard the wife in the marriage complained her husband that I married you due to I was blind previously. It is very true. When one can't trust in himself/herself, is with low esteem and value and feel he/she is not worthy of a good partner, relationship and marriage, then he/she probably will make wrong judgement, decision and marry a wrong person. Failure of a relationship or marriage is not caused by faults or mistakes of one or both and wrong match instead. No matter you think how bad one person, he/she will have one perfect match at least in the world. So try best to know more about yourself and find the suitable one instead of the best one. Your instinct, heart and body will tell you who will be the suitable one for you. 从很多失败的关系和婚姻的例子中,我们可以看到实际上是俩人中的一人或是俩人一步一步地将自己推进不匹配及痛苦的关系和婚姻当中。他们实际上婚前至少有一次或是多次可以挽救自己的机会但是他们却选择了忽略自己的直觉、感受和不相信自己。在中国,我们经常听到婚内妻子抱怨她的丈夫说,只怪我当初瞎了眼,才嫁给了你。这句话说得一点也没有错。如果一个人不能相信自己,低自尊、低价值和感觉自己不值得拥有一个真心对待自己的好伴侣、一段好的关系和一桩好的婚姻的话,他/她很可能会在关系和婚姻方面做出错误的判断、决定并和一个不合适的人结婚。失败的关系和婚姻不是因一方或是双方的缺点或是错误造成而是因为彼此搭配是错误的。不管你认为一个人是如何的差,在这个世界上至少能找到一个与之相匹配的完美搭配。因此尽可能地更多地了解你自己并找一个适合自己而不是最好的人。适合自己的就是最好的。你的直觉、你的心和身体会告诉你哪个人是适合你的。



When one or both don't have trust in themselves, he/she/they actually have no way to psychologically trust in any other inside but seemingly have chosen to trust in the other from outside. Apparently there is a contradiction between inside and outside then it can't work well in the end. When there is contradiction, conflicts and lack integrity between one's inside and outside like words and action, it normally says he/she is not enough psychologically heathy or mature. 当其中一方或是双方都不相信自己,实际上从内在心理层面上他/她/他们是没有办法相信任何其它人的,但是从表面的外在行动上看来,他/她/他们遇事却选择了相信对方;这里显然在内在心理和外在行动上两者是有矛盾和缺乏一致性的,所以最终必然会出问题。当一个人内在和外在如语言和行动之间有矛盾、冲突和缺乏一致性时,一般都说明这个人的心理是还不足够健康或是不够成熟的。



The person who is in the serious relationship or marriage is not necessarily luckier and happier than the one who is alone by herself/himself. So don't try to push yourself into a serious relationship or marriage until you are sure you are mostly suitable each other step by step. When you feel you are mostly happy and joyful when you are alone, then you are psychologically healthy and mature to consider and enter a serious relationship and marriage. 一个处在严肃关系或婚姻中的人未必会比一个独自生活的人更幸运和开心。因此在你一步一步确认你们俩在绝大多数方面是彼此适合之前,请不要试图将你自己推进关系和婚姻中。当你感觉在你一个人独处的绝大部分时间都是开心和快乐的时,那你的心理就足够健康和成熟并可以考虑和进入到一段严肃关系和婚姻中。


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#2016-10-17 13:46:19 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

Welcome back Lily. It has been too long since you've blogged but it is good to see you return.

I agree with your thoughts here about letting your instincts guide you in determining who is right for you, and I agree that before you can do that you have to know who you are and have confidence and trust in yourself.

That harkens back to what @melcyan frequently has advised, which is that in order to find true love with someone you must first learn to love yourself. Only when you've learned to love yourself will you be able to trust yourself enough to make valid judgments about who is the right one for you.

When you wrote "When you feel you are mostly happy and joyful when you are alone, then you are psychologically healthy and mature to consider and enter a serious relationship and marriage." you hit the nail soundly on its head.

Very nice blog. Hopefully your readers will understand and take heed.

#2016-10-17 15:51:37 by zqy2014 @zqy2014

@JohnAbbot

Yes, all relationships start from the one with self. Then we need to first learn to be with self, enjoy the time together and establish a good relationship with self. If we can't trust in ourselves, then we probably can't trust in the other either. All good or bad experiences are trying to tell us more about ourselves. We pay small or big price to learn from the lesson and grow up. Nevertheless, it could be a fun and inspiring thing to transcend self's limitations. We can't find security from external materialities and any other person except inside and ourselves. It is basing on our self-definition, self-affirmation and sense of value.

I understand true love is basing on understanding, acceptance and appreciation. Love self means know more about self and learn to accept and appreciate who we are.

#2016-10-17 21:53:34 by melcyan @melcyan

Lily, I found your use of the word instinct very interesting. I have said before that self-knowledge, self-love and being fully present are essential for successful life-long loving relationships. The opposite is to be too preoccupied with the past or future and allowing fear to influence the choices that we make.

 

While it is common for the words instinct and intuition to be used interchangeably, they both relate to you living in the present moment. Some people use the word intuition when they are really talking about their fears. Fear can also relate to the present moment, for example seeing a shark fin in the water, but by far, most of our fears are connected to the past or future.

 

Fear and intuition are commonly confused.

http://www.wikihow.com/Tell-the-Difference-Between-Fear-and-Intuition

is worth reading but fails to discuss the importance of meditation (creates presence) as a vital tool for minimizing stress and fear.

 

If you have achieved self-knowledge, self-love and the ability to be fully present then “Your instinct, heart and body will tell you who will be the suitable one for you.” I agree.

 

I have a strong background in Science but my partner is very superstitious. My intuition (grounded in self-knowledge, self-love and presence) held sway over the voice of reason in my head that said a scientific person and a very superstitious person could not be a match.

 

When I studied the History and Philosophy of Science I learned that reason is used retrospectively after a completely new scientific paradigm has been created. The forward leap of a new Scientific paradigm relies more on creativity and intuition than it does on reason. Retrospectively, I can now say that it is possible for a scientific person and a very superstitious person to be a match.

#2016-10-18 22:40:47 by zqy2014 @zqy2014

Yes, I completely agree with you that “self-knowledge, self-love and being fully present are essential for successful life-long loving relationships". I understand the self-knowledge is means to know about self like who we are and what are our strong and weak points and etc. Being fully present means not being stuck into past fears or "hurt" or worry about possible failure and future. As according to my own and around other related persons' experience, I seems know where the fears were originally from, how they have been built up and accumulated with later experience and influence present life including relationship and health. Fears are normally connected with the sense of security. The person with low sense of security is normally with this or that kind of and small or big fears which probably will cause some kind of serious phobia at some special moment of the life. This case is highly commonly existed with many people. Actually I have been thinking to write one particular blog on this subject.

I have thought "instinct" is same as "intuition" and just freely grasped "instinct" to use in my blog. My understood instinct here is free from fears from past or worries on future and completely open self to the universe, be present and feel...I read meditation could achieve that and now I am trying to practice meditation and yoga. I also found meditation could help to have a soothing, empathy and comforting of self-conversation and then can feel psychologically released or healed to some extent. So I think meditation is a very helpful practice.

Yes, physical sensation of real fear is helpful to protect us from dangers. Fears came from past and worrying about future could hinder us from being present, enjoying life and attaining happiness.

I accidently came across the video of "miracle" or "law of attraction"about 4-5 years ago and I was greatly inspired and powered after watched that video. I believe miracles can happen and immediately visually imagined what my life will be in some years when I have achieved my dream as according to the direction mentioned in the video. I wrote a particular article on that and also attached a photo on what type of house I want to have when achieved that dream. Since then, I try my best to as possible as can visually imagine the related scencs and enjoy the feeling when I achieved what I want. I noticed this or that kind of amazing "miracle" happened to me now and then when I have wish in my mind. Some came quickly like in several days and some came in years. I believe the universe is tremendous and omnipotent. It is always there to listen to us and meet all of our good wishes only if we are kind, clear on our wishes and have faith in universe… The purer, opener, more complete we are inside, stronger faith we have in universe, the more accurate we can sense self, others and things. Then our instinct is more dependable and trustworthy as well.

Yes, I feel possibilities more likely are bases on openness, flexibilities and surrender instead on rigid rules, reasonable reasons or experience in the past. When we throw away all limitations and keep our heart door be open to the universe on all possibilities, it probably will come to us with the forms that we have never thought or been ready for. Nevertheless our wish has been met in despite of its form or way. We need develop an ability to sense the pure soul of the right one from the mass even if it is not an easy job...
 

#2016-10-25 15:46:33 by sandy339 @sandy339

Yes Lily we are learning that in a hard way, but luckily I am always(almost) true to my heart or instint. So there is no much such conflict in my case: to be or not to be! It seems I have no much psychological trauma LOL.

And we don’t have to pretend for something, because westerners are so true to their feeling and instinct, sooner or later, they will definitely leave, if it is an unproper relationship so we don’t need to pretend or analyze that too much. Take it easy and quit and move on…

#2016-10-25 19:34:42 by ocean58 @ocean58

Welcome back Lily.Always thoughtful and to the point.

We all drag many things with us into the present and project into the future.As i have said before Wherever you go there you are.

#2016-10-26 13:31:54 by zqy2014 @zqy2014

@ocean58
@sandy339

Yes, we all have our own lessons to learn and unfinished work to finish which mainly from our childhoold and previous relationship. And we have our own growth path to go as well but the happiest thing is we will be closer and closer and more and more accept the true self. This is a really good thing.

Sandy, it is a long time did not hear about you and seems you have been doing things great. Are you in China or America now?

 

#2016-10-27 22:40:29 by anonymous15639 @anonymous15639

@sandy339 you said:

"And we don’t have to pretend for something, because westerners are so true to their feeling and instinct, sooner or later, they will definitely leave"

can you clarify a bit more upon your meanings behinds these words?

 

Thanks.....

#2016-11-04 20:48:39 by sandy339 @sandy339

 @zqy2014 thanks Lily yes indeed. I am back and doing well now"-)
@anonymous15639 ok as what Paul did the survey, we showed what we are searching here are love+ticket. Sometimes, in order to get the ticket, I do believe in some relationships we try to pretend we are ok with the guys, but which is so hard in heart. I am not an actress, so even I want, I cann't in real life. And what is more,so far I never met a guy who needs to pretend they like us lol.So whenever they feel wrong, they will leave for sure (unless they are scammers). So what I mean is we have no other way except being myselves no matter what. Hope you could understand some.

#2016-11-05 07:47:07 by zqy2014 @zqy2014

@sandy339

Sandy, I can feel you are enjoying what the universe has offered to you and feel contented as well. I take that is a harmonious and peaceful frame of mind. I really feel happy for you that you are one of the ones who always could be themselves. I understand that is not an easy thing for some persons. I am sure that will grealy help you to find the right one for you. I wish you good luck on all aspects including work and mate searching...

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