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Imi was born and raised in Europe, Hungary. After finishing his school years, he moved to Canada to search for a better life. He lived in Toronto for 13 years and currently resides in Vancouver. He is a romantic at heart with a strong desire to always do the right thing. He would like to give hope to the Chinese and Asian ladies with his story and send a message that love eventually finds everybody.
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It's Very Easy to Misunderstand Each Other in A Cross Cultural-Relationship Part-1    

By Imi
4455 Views | 15 Comments | 9/23/2014 3:30:14 PM

For Western men dating Chinese women misunderstandings are inevitable. Patience and tolerance will overcome these problems.

In my previous blog article I was talking about a few relationships or should I say some failed attempts to find love in China. When I'd written that article I was unaware of some details about my last relationship with a Chinese woman that I became totally conscious of after I submitted my previous article for publishing



I'd like to write about that and point out how easy it is to misunderstand each other's thoughts, actions and behaviours in a cross-cultural relationship



To protect her identity I'd like to give her the name of 'Jasmine'



As I mentioned before, I'd met her on CLM this year around spring time. What really attracted me to her was her simplicity. She was a simple and beautiful young woman of China who put love and her emotions first in her life other before anything else.



This was a convincing fact for me about her to make my decision and pursue her with my full attention. As I was told by another Chinese lady I was friends with previously that Chinese women usually put safety and security first in their prime criteria when they look for a potential mate, and love just comes at second place.



Jasmine knew I wasn't very smart about handling my money in the past and nor was I able to achieve a first-class living in Canada. In spite of all these she was still curious about me. She saw me not as a good opportunity for a better life, but as a person, a man with his shortcomings and a prospective husband and a father to her children in the future.



To understand what kind of a woman she is, I'd like to tell a little bit more about her background.



She's never been married. She only had one serious long-term relationship that had lasted for 6 years and ended up 2 years ago.



Basically, the same old story happened to her as well that has happened to many Chinese women and even more women all over the world it doesn't really matter what race they belong to. It's really a simple story.



Man gets rich and cheats on his woman with other women numerous times and leaves her. 



In Jasmine's case there was a twist in the story though. Before they separated, the man still managed to pull out a humiliating act from his sleeve.



After he had cheated on her numerous times and got pregnant a twenty year old woman, he asked Jasmine to marry him and he would support and take care of her as long as she lets him to have mistresses beside her.



To his surprise Jasmine didn't take this wonderful opportunity to be treated by a man nothing more than a piece of furniture. She worked at his uncle's company as a manager and she knew she'd be alright living alone. She moved to a small rented apartment and tried to live on her own.



Through out the years, there were some men interested in her, but somehow the meetings with them had never turned out to be a success. Most of the time they wanted sex only.



There was a guy from Switzerland who was very serious about her. He had visited her twice in China and Jasmine as well had visited him once in Europe last year. Unfortunately, she didn't really feel a very strong affection for this guy and that led her eventually to break up with him after she returned from Switzerland.



Then, after joining to CLM she'd found me when my profile was visible for a couple of days there. She read the “My Love for Lily” series and wanted to get to know me. To make a long story short, we had a very promising online dating relationship for a couple of months, but after that she seemed to have difficulties to find some quality time for me.



We barely talked and when I asked her one time what she had been doing on the weekend she gave me an answer that rose some red flags. She said, sometimes she can't remember what she has been doing on the weekend. Now, this is a woman who can tell quotes from my story by heart, and now, she was telling me she couldn't remember what she had been doing on the weekend on a Monday evening?  



I felt that she was hiding something from me, but I wasn't able to figure out  what. I thought, she'd found someone else, because when I complained to her about not spending enough time with each other, her reply was “she needed to spend some time with her friends as well”. That is alright with me. But if a woman gives me only 30 minutes of her time in a week, then, her so called “friends” become a problem to me.



After five weeks, the “spending some time with her friends” had become my nightmare and couldn't sleep properly. I woke up one morning after another restless night and broke up with her. She was very surprised why I did break up with her, but eventually, she accepted it. I was supposed to come to see her in China in two weeks, but I just wasn't able to comprehend why her “friends” were more important to her than me even this close to my trip.



Two days later she contacted me again and tried to change my mind about breaking up with her. I didn't budge. Finally, she asked me if she could see me one more time on camera and if I really wanted to break up with her, we should do it face to face. I agreed and sat down with her one day after my work.



Actually, I sat down with an open mind because when she'd tried to convince me over three days not to break up with her, I felt that she was really fighting for me. But I still didn't know why she changed so suddenly from one day to the other. She'd cried for a couple of times and I too had felt a few minutes of weakness while we were talking.



After an hour of talking and just looking at each other, we both were ready to say good bye to each other but before we did it I asked her one last time why she didn't have time for me.



Then, finally, she told me what happened and why she had no time for me for so long.



To be continued...


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Comments
(Showing 1 to 10 of 15) 1 2 More...
#2014-09-23 16:26:53 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

30 minutes of chat a week is nowhere near enough maintain and develop a serious and successful online dating relationship. Of course the first days or even weeks may involve hours of chat everyday while the excitement is at a peak and you're first getting to know each other. But eventually that has to wind down to something a little more manageable.

However, what is right for one member of the couple may be too time consuming for the other. Since generally women are the chatty gender and men the strong, silent gender, you might expect that the Chinese women would be more demanding of lengthy and frequent chat time, and Western men looking for less. But I think the opposite is often the case.

There's a couple of reasons that in combination will often leave the Western man feeling that he's not getting enough daily communication.

The first is that Chinese women will commit to the relationship more quickly than a Western man will, without getting to know their intended future lifemate to the depth that the Western man will be seeking. This goes back to the fact in China you commit to the relationship and then build the the love and understanding over the passing of time, but in the West it is the opposite. You develop the love and understanding at the get go, and only commit to a lifetime together after the love and understanding has been fully developed.

In combination with that, Chinese women generally have a lot more family and friends that are demanding of their time, so spending a couple of hours a day chatting online may be really infringing on their busy lives. The Western guys on the other hand are more often than not heading home to a night alone for at least 5 days a week, and the only thing standing between them and a nice 2 hours chat with their new girlfriend is their favourite TV show or a good book. These can be taped or set down to be picked up later.

What we guys have to keep in mind is that these ladies come from a culture and country that is shared with a huge number of people, and their extended families which are larger than ours by a long shot, are also closer emotionally. Cousins are treated as "sisters" and "brothers", and Aunties or Uncles are almost secondary parents. Where we are truly close only to our children, parents and siblings (and often not even our siblings), these ladies are close to a far-reaching number of family members.

Their circle of friends too are far larger, and each friend more demanding of their time, than ours are. So they have incredible demands on their social time compared to us. So guys, do try to give them some breathing room.

But you ladies need to remember and realize, that these men are interested in getting to know you and feeling that they could love you once you've met, and if you don't give them reasonable contact time on a regular basis, they are never going to commit to a long term relationship with you.

Imi, you may have been looking for more time than Jasmine could spare, but 30 minutes a week on her part was nowhere near the time a Western man needs to spend with her to come to accept and believe she is the match for him. I think you were right to move on if she just wasn't prepared to up the time commitment substantially.

#2014-09-23 21:22:54 by melcyan @melcyan

Imi, you have got my attention. Excellent blog topic.
@JohnAbbott You have given good advice to both males and females. I think your generalizations are for the most part true but I also think it would be wise for readers to be open to the possibilty of both male and female exceptions to these generalizaitons.

In general the Chinese woman will have many more close lifetime connections than a western male. Some of these lifetime close connections will be involved in helping to decide if a western male is given the thumbs up or thumbs down. Fortunately two of my partners closest friends gave me the thumbs up. After this my partner carefully orchestrated my acceptance into her family. Disapproval from close friends or family members would have meant I had little or no chance. A western male usually makes his decision about persuing a relationship by himself.

#2014-09-24 06:42:52 by cathyf2012 @cathyf2012

Haha. After reading both lmi's article and John's comment. I consider lmi has to learn about Chinese culture while you are talking with Chinese woman online. John is correct. Chinese woman would like to spend their time with their friend, family members. Especially they would like to be a real person face to face.

When talking online, it is quite bored without seeing one other's face and act. Especially if someone's English is not fluent. They have to think about how to answer, to consider if it is polite to ask you all questions.

When lmi mentioned"she couldn't remember what she had been doing on the weekend on a Monday evening? " It is normal in China. The reason is because Chinese keep busy with job, housework, family members and friends or exercise. They usually do have time to recall what exactly they have done in a certain time. And most Chinese don't have a "to do list" for their schedule.

I have read a article “The Young the Rich, and the Famous: Individualism as an American Cultural Value” by Professor Poranee Natadecha-Sponsel. She argues that the focus of American culture is more on individual values than that of the Asians. Newcomers to the country or people who are unfamiliar with the American culture or customs frequently find it misleading and sometimes confusing. Professor Natadecha-Sponsel explains at length of that simple salutations, everyday conversation, the relationship between family members, and the behavioral features of the wealthy here are very different from those of the Thais. She also quotes as examples some conversational exchanges or habits between the two different cultures that can be easily misunderstood at times. Frequently, this kind of case of ‘unknowing’ would lead to embarrassment and misconception.

We cannot expect to change the local culture to suit our own when we live in another country or we are looking for someone from another country, We have to learn to adapt to it. Professor Natadecha-Sponsel presents a clear and precise picture, which gives us a good insight of one’s aspect of American culture. Her article gives a heads-up and is invaluable to anyone and everyone new to America.

What I am saying, There is a big difference from the Western culture and the Chinese. When you familiar with Chinese culture, it would help you understand why you have some unsuccessful relationship with Chinese woman.

But still, I love your article. Cheer up!

#2014-09-24 13:27:54 by sunrise68 @sunrise68

In my opinion, if she was really interested in you and wanted to develop a relationship with you, she would chat or contact with you once every one or two days, 30 minutes a week is too little indeed, unless she had some temporary ungent things to deal with in a period.

#2014-09-25 05:29:41 by afreind @afreind

@afreind
Hmmm, I`ve been living in China for ten years. I`ve had two relationships that didn`t work out in the end. After the initial curious interest in me, the fact that I didn`t have a lot of money, or allow them to control the money I do have, or own property back home was the main deal breaker in my opinion. Also the cultural values and life style here are oceans apart literally as well as figuratively speaking. I think a western guy living in a western country and trying to get a relationship going with a Chinese lady without visiting China and his potential love one is a recipe for disaster. My suggestion to you guys out there is if you find someone you are attracted to don`t spend a lot of time on line trying to get to know each other. Schedule some time off, hop on a plane and get yourself over here. To make the most of your time why not set up some time with a few ladies to see if there is any REAL chemistry. Don`t think is it being shallow not only coming here for your intended true love, for heaven`s sake you don`t even know each other, but do be honest. Tell the ladies you are coming over to meet a few different women. Do you really think they may not be communicating with other men who you may be competing against? I do not think both parties can get past first base without eventually meeting each other so why use a lot of time on both sides trying to develop a relationship that only exists in each other’s mind. Also from my life experience what I find is that security is the number one consideration for a woman whereas for us guys it is companionship we look for. In China there is a saying: No money no honey. Chinese woman are very practical as are most mature woman everywhere. Get your head out of the sand guys and stop falling in love with your computer.

#2014-09-25 06:56:36 by anonymous12007 @anonymous12007

Imi, glad to read another blog from you and to also read that Lily had not turned you against finding a Chinese woman to love and eventually be your wife.

As far as the 30 minutes per week to chat, that is huge red flag, not remembering what she did between Friday and Monday is a total lie, she is hiding the fact she had most likely had another boyfriend or lover besides you. If I am wrong then I apologise in advance.

Cathyf2012, you said most Chinese women cannot remember what they did during the weekend, this is not true, it is an excuse......maybe they cannot remember everything they did over a weekend but certainly can remember most of what they did unless they were totally drunk the whole weekend. I would venture to say anyone whose uses this excuse is hiding something.......

#2014-09-25 11:13:17 by zqy2014 @zqy2014

Pressure and eagerness from one side is fatal during the relationship establishment especial the first several stages. This will naturally remind the other side of your immaturity, confidence lacking and these could be taken as an unsafety sign to be with.

Besides, no matter how you care, like or love the other side, she/he is a completely independent person & in no matter need some of her/his own reaonable time and space for the other people/things (friends ,relatives, hobbies) in his/her life so that he/she could be for her/hisself. Basing on this, I still insist "keep a reasonable boarder and good balance" is very important for a successful relationship.When we speak/talk and behave, we need to have or train our ability on timely feeling and adjustment so that achieve a good communication effect and establish a good relationship. This way will show our respect to the other side too. Sometime, we must allow some reasonable time for the other side to react, think and response or stay alone. So during the communication and corporation, we need to be aware we are not a single person there and should be a whole team instead. We can't always think of ourselves, speak/talk or behave like there is no others except ourselves. When you try to think, speak/talk or behave more standing the other side' standpoint, you will see you will be concerned/considered more by the other side too. This could be explained as "reap what you sow".

For the cultrue, yes, emotion and space on our kids, parents, other relatives, friends and jobs are neccessary for us. We used to pay more attention on working hard to fulfill our responsibilities as mother, wife, daughter and less on self enjoyment. This is why we are here. We need to complete ourselves, balance all aspects so that to be for ourselves. We are not cold-blooded, we have all emotions that a normal woman has and we need love and to be loved just have to wait the right one show up.

Taiji is some profound meaning of martial art. I know some of western men like it. We may can learn something from “Hardness with softness, gentle with just” & "retreat in order to advance" and apply to our daily communications.

#2014-09-25 11:40:21 by anonymous12012 @anonymous12012

"she couldn't remember what she had been doing on the weekend on a Monday evening? " It is normal in China. The reason is because Chinese keep busy with job, housework, family members and friends or exercise. (rofl)(rofl)(rofl)

Last Saturday I stayed in my office, Last Sunday morning I went out to have breakfast with family, then went to shopping food stuff, after lunch, I did house cleaning work and then relaxed at home and watched two movies.

The Sunday before last Sunday morning I went to play badminton with friends, then went to buy food stuff and played with my son in the garden in the afternoon...

#2014-09-25 15:21:15 by fj1383 @fj1383

@Imi5922 Great beginning of a new story, I'm at the edge of my seat waiting for the next part, I hope Jasmine wasn't just another girl breaking your heart. Nonetheless I'd like to suggest you something from the bottom of my heart, something that might help you find your soul mate since I see myself in you back when I was single and lonely. Please DO NOT set your eyes on one single lady if you plan your next visit to China, it might end up being a big waste of money and a disappointing experience. Why do I tell you this?? Because, Imi, I live in China and even living here for so long and after dating around a LOT, it took me almost 4 years to finally meet my wife, my soul mate. So it's silly to expect to get to know a real person thru a website, who you meet online are only "prospects" and you should try to meet as many solid prospects as possible before your visit to China. Even if this sounds like a cold-blooded hard-to-swallow strategy, this might be the best way for you to finally find her! Please don't get me wrong, CLM is an amazing website & I'm truly grateful to them for introducing me to my amazing wife but at the end what counts is the face-to-face interaction with that person. I guess what I'm trying to say Imi is that you shouldn't get so emotionally attached to someone you haven't met in person before, whatever interaction you have online with any woman is literally only the 'tip' of the iceberg when it comes to her personality. I hope these words from my humble experience can have some type of impact on you. Looking forward to the next part of your story. Take care bro.

#2014-09-27 02:35:26 by Imi5922 @Imi5922

Thank you for all of your advices!
I feel myself like a kid in kinder(love)garten of China. :)
I really appreciate your care and your teaching.

@fj1383

I agree with everything you've said. It's really hard for me though to talk to more than one woman at one time. I just move on if I found something that is a deal breaker. Then I can talk to someone else. I'm little bit slow keeping too much informations in my head at the same time from 3-4 women.

I guess if you needed 4 years to find the one Fir yourself and you lived in China; I'd probably still be here at the age of 60 if I kept this pace up, still trying to find the one and only woman of my dreams hahaha...

Thank you, I'll try to change my strategies, I don't want to die alone in front of my computer still clicking on Chinese women photos. :)

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