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John Abbot is co-owner of Married to a lovely Chinese Lady and living in China, John knows and respects China, Chinese Women, Chinese People and Chinese Culture. His blog will include good stuff about Online Dating, Chinese Women, International Relationships and Things Chinese. Join John Abbot on Google+
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Is a Scam Site? Are You Kidding Me?    

By John Abbot
8593 Views | 10 Comments | 2/15/2014 4:48:22 PM

What, this guy's in the USA and wants to meet me next week; what kind of a Chinese dating site scam is this?

We recently received a letter from a member who was asking just that: “Is a Scam Dating Site?”  Well not in those exact words, but it is certainly what he meant. When the message was brought to my attention I was a little shocked. Nobody has accused us of Chinese dating scams up to now, and given our anti-scam efforts I was perhaps a little defensive in my response.  Of course, we like to think we are one of the best Chinese dating sites (well, actually we think we are the very best, but I am trying to be modest here). Below is the exchange of messages that passed between us. In the end they might actually be of more interest because it evolved into a discussion of how to not to scare interested Chinese women away by pushing too fast for a meeting, once the chinalovematch scams discussion came to a close.

Member Message #1

“Hi clm is this site a scam? Every woman that is interested in me I reply to only to not hear from them again. I do not play games. I have been scammed before and it seems every time I get close to a woman she stops messaging me.”

CLM Response #2

In response to your message, it seems very odd to us that you would think we are scamming you because the women are not responding to your messages. What a useless scam that would be! How would we possibly make any money doing that?

Our Chinese women are real, we no more try to tell them who to message and who to be attracted to than we tell you. Have we asked you to message certain people?  We don't ask them either. Both men and women here are entitled to communicate with whom they choose, when they choose and as openly as they choose, without interference from the website. We jump in only when asked to and only when scamming is involved or when someone has been repeatedly extremely rude or obnoxious. People are fully entitled to exchange their contact information.

We don't know why the ladies are not responding to you, but we took the liberty to check your messages, and in fact it appeared a number were responding.  It maybe that the fact you are trying to come to meet them so quickly after initiating contact is causing many of them to be very nervous.

We recognize that your holiday is planned and can't be rescheduled, but remember, these are real women, and no doubt very intimidated by the thought of "hosting" someone they haven't gotten to know yet.  You appear to be a nice man, but scammers all have a good story and appear to be nice men. And nobody on the internet has more scammers trying to screw them over than Chinese women. At this moment they are the number one target on earth. You think you've been scammed, no more than them I assure you.

Other things that might be getting in your way is that you haven't video chatted yet with a lot of these women. We warn our members, male and female, not to invest time and spend money planning any trips or hosting anyone until you have had a video chat. Make sure the person is and looks like the person on his/her profile. So instead of pushing for a quick meeting it might be good if first you request and have a video chat.

It the chat is going well then you can start a conversation right then, by saying something like "I know this is really fast, but I'm going to be on vacation in Hong Kong starting on the _____ of _______. I really like you. Would you be interested in meeting me while I'm there?  I'd be happy to come to come to meet you and get to know each other better. What do you think?" or words to that effect. 

These are just some thoughts. There are plenty of reasons that some ladies don't respond. Maybe someone has hooked them in just as you were making first contact.  Maybe they are older than their photos show them to be and they are bashful about you coming to see them before they've had a chance to tell you the truth. We could list many more.

But definitely try for the video chat first. Once they see you are real and you are the guy in your photos, and so long as the chat is friendly and going well, their interest level should rise considerably.

As for CLM being real and not a an online dating scam site, just spend some time on our forum and blogs, and take some time to meet some real and charming ladies. You'll come to know that we are very real and very much watching out for your back.

We hope that addresses your concerns, but feel free to respond and continue the dialogue.

Member Message #2

Hello CLM team. I am sorry if I sounded a bit harsh in my letter to you, I do apologise. I am not very worldly and am very trusting and I was scammed out of $ 1200 from the dating site Asian beauties, and I was talking to the woman on video chat. Then I found your site after reading Asian beauties scams, I now realise that your site is legitimate and honest. Again I apologise. It just seems that when I am very interested in a lady and it sounds like she is quite interested in me and would like to meet me, then I don’t hear from her again, I take it too much to heart, In this situation I did not realise I was going too fast. Like I said before I am not a very worldly man but I am genuine in looking for a chinese lady to love for the rest of my life. I thank you for your letter, it is good to get your feedback on me, you have made me aware that I might sound too quick and pushy. I truly hope I have not caused any women to feel uneasy or to be deterred from dating sites. I do appreciate you writing me this letter and I will definitely try your suggestion’s and will try video chat as well.  

Thank you and best regards to you too

CLM Response #2

We didn't mean to sound defensive.  We understand the bad reputation online dating sites are getting because of the likes of, and it infuriates us that they make far more money than the good sites do because of their scam like ways.

Since the site is the scammer, video chat is of no help in securing you from scamming on AsianBeauties, Chnlove, AForeignAffair (aka LoveMe), Gagamatch and the like, because the women are not real in the first place. They are generally paid employees of the sites, or of their "agents" who also work for them. 

But on honest sites you need to video chat because most of them do not guard against individual scammers so you need to be sure the person is real. Even as hard as we try to screen out scammers some sneak by our employees, so even on our sites we really push for members to video chat first, make plans later.

We appreciate your response and wish to advise that I would like to use the conversation as a blog in our ongoing efforts to warn members about scammers. Of course I will ensure that your identity is completely undisclosed.

Member Message #3

Thank you for writing me, I think it was me who sounded offensive and not you, I am truly sorry for any concern I have caused you. I would like it also if you used our conversation as a blog. Thanks again and keep up the good work, sincerely Jack.


1. No is not a Scam Site and anyone who spends anytime on the site will quickly come to realize that.

2. It is definitely possible to scare Chinese women away. Frankly, we believe in this case it was due to the rush to meet them during a holiday the member had already planned, and that was coming up very soon. If that’s the case it is important to get to know the lady(s) first, preferably through some video chats, and then break the news that you are coming to China for business or a holiday, and you’d love to meet her if she feels comfortable. Keep your request low key and low pressure.

However, there are surely other mistakes that members might make that will scare the ladies away. Anyone care to suggest some other behaviours men might want to avoid?

Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
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#2014-02-15 21:27:16 by paulfox1 @paulfox1

1) meet on CLM
2) move to personal e mail
3) move to video chat
4) meet for real

Move outside these boundaries then you are asking for trouble !

#2014-02-16 08:56:51 by paulfox1 @paulfox1

It seems a little strange that someone would ASK a web-site IF they are a scam site - because if they ARE, then they are not likely to admit it are they?

Try writing to ChnLove and AB and asking them if they are scam sites! We all know that they ARE scam sites, but what do you think their answer would be if you asked them to admit it?

Members of CLM already KNOW that CLM is a clean and honest dating site, but it's the male members of sites like AB and ChnLove that need to wake up and realize they are wasting their hard-earned money on scammers and liars!

As for 'mistakes' that could scare the ladies away, here's a few suggestions of what NOT to do -

1) Dont talk about sex (unless she instigates it)
2) Dont appear too quick to meet in real life
3) Dont send 'kisses' (Ladies are more likely to respond to a short letter)
4) Dont lie
5) Dont make her feel 'pressured'
6) Dont 'mock' or make fun of her - she may not have the same grasp on western humour that we do and something meant as a joke could easily be taken seriously
7) Dont pretend to be someone you are not (in other words, just be natural)
8) Dont tell her that you 'Love Her' (until you meet for real and genuinely mean it)

These are just a few suggestions off the top of my head - I am sure there are more.
Ladies, why dont YOU tell us what frightens you away ?

#2014-02-16 12:14:34 by Barry1 @Barry1

Thanks for the interesting article, John. I'm sure that the above correspondent - Jack - very quickly realised that is the closest to a scam-free site on the net in the area of international dating, as it's possible to be.

You asked,

"Anyone care to suggest some other behaviours men might want to avoid?"

I wonder if I may take the liberty of replacing the "men" with "men or women"? In other words, here are some tips that could apply equally to either sex.

"I love you"

I always become a little distrustful when someone says that they love me before they have even met me. Yes, this has happened to me on more than one occasion. In return, I NEVER say "I love you also" to the person who has just told me this.

My strong belief is that people MUST meet face to face and spend a reasonable amount of time together, before having any real idea whether they love the other person or not. And no, I'm not talking simply about a passionate long weekend together!

You see, when someone says, "I love you" too quickly, I wonder whether they're perhaps a little desperate, a bit too anxious, for my liking. Perhaps they have a low sense of self esteem, or some other deep rooted psychological problem? Whatever the case, hearing this always waves a red flag to me, to take a couple of paces back and reassess the situation.

Of course, talking about sex too quickly also raises another red flag. I don't mind discussing sex, as it's a normal activity - but not in either the first or second chat! People should get to know each other a bit first.

I also don't like to hear about your sexual trysts from the past with multiple persons. I don't care if you're a fan of menage a trois or whatever, just don't tell me in great detail about all your previous escapades in this area!

Oh, then there's money.

It's a turn off when somone too quickly starts discussing money related issues. Similar to talking about sex, chatting about money is best done when people get to know each other a bit first.

I've also been turned off by one or two people who start discussing religion. Normally these are born again Christians, who possess a devout piousness that ends up becoming rather offputting. Sure, everyone is entitled to have a faith, but they don't need to ram it down other people's throats!

Occasionally I've met someone who also has a tendency to chat too much about their ex partner or ex spouse. I'm not terribly interested in how many times you used to make love together or how sweet and gentle he or she was. Okay, if they were such a saint, why did you end up leaving? Or even worse - why did they leave you?

I'm also not really interested to hear about the sexually transmitted disease that one of your lovers gave you a few years ago, even if you're "fully cured now". Ugh!

And if you're a loud snorer, please stay well away from me!

I also don't like to hear about "how lovely but how very spoilt my child is". My last marriage was disrupted by a spoilt brat - the last thing I want is to repeat this.

I also don't want to hear too much about your personal habits. If you have a tendency to pick your nose or whatever, for God's sake, keep this to yourself! Too much information, thank you anyway!

And if you're a chronic insomniac, you'd best keep this to yourself also. The last thing I want to chat about is how terrible your sleep is, or how prolonged and painful your periods are and how irritable this often makes you!

Then there's sexually abuse. If your parents or relatives abused you as a child, my sincere sympathies go out to you. But please stop talking about it to me in such graphic detail at every opportunity!

Now that I think about it, the ONLY things that a lady is safe to chat to me about is either the weather or her shoe size. But now that I think about it, I don't want to marry someone with abnormally big feet, so if you fall into this category, maybe it's best to chat about the weather only and don't alert me as to how tremendously large your webbed duck feet are!

#2014-02-16 15:20:32 by Grace172 @Grace172

Use Paul's word: "ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS !" CLM is the best!(clap)

#2014-02-17 22:33:57 by anonymous8945 @anonymous8945

Ok, as a female member here, I would like to explain my experiences here:

Member Message #1
“Hi clm is this site a scam? Every woman that is interested in me I reply to only to not hear from them again. I do not play games. I have been scammed before and it seems every time I get close to a woman she stops messaging me.”

I met a guy, we planed a time to chat, but he missed it, and scolded me and asked whether I was chatting with other guy, OMG it is too early to talk like that. It totally turned me off, no need and any desire for futher contact… so be polite and understanding at least, we are here for love not for hurt..

Or sometimes emails are too warm /good to be true, or too simple to arouse my interest for further contact, but it happens due to a lot of reasons. And women have natural instinct, we stop or you guys stop just because we or you don’t feel right…

So to be easy and polite, you would have a lot of good time in searching before finding your Mrs. Right. Enjoy time here, it is a clean dating site, John is guarding for us, (emo)You would pay off one day for sure if you could be true, polite and nice first.

#2014-02-23 20:16:49 by spiderboenz @spiderboenz

Well, there ARE a lot of women on this site who are "less than honest" about their intentions. I have been on this site (on and off) for several years now, and have come across...
1. A woman who was looking for a person who could "help" her get to Australia so she could find her ex- bf (which is funny, because I'm not Australian)
2. Several women who just wanted to know what it was like to sleep with a foreigner (one got married to a her Chinese fiancé less than three weeks later)
3. Several who were just trolling for students to teach Chinese to (one was engaged)
4. Several women who's profiles said "single, no children," who were actually "divorced/separated, with children." I love kids, but cannot abide liars.
5. And a woman who was so unstable that she climbed into my window to jump out (I live on the 7th floor) because I did not agree with her about my roommates being freaks for eating cereal in their pajamas at 2 pm in the kitchen on their day off.

Ok, The last one probably couldn't be helped, but the others...
And before you say "read their profiles" I did.
This isn't a complaint, merely an observation. I know for a fact that this applies to some of the men on this site as well. I have met several women who were on this site, but were driven away by the creep and pervert factor that oozes out of some of the men here.

This doesn't apply to all of the women here, or all of the men, but it definitely applies to some. And if you find this offensive...maybe you're part of the problem.

#2014-02-23 20:19:07 by spiderboenz @spiderboenz

But to be fair, I've never been asked for money

#2014-06-25 14:27:53 by zfriend @zfriend

i have 100% proof that asian date is a total fraud

#2014-08-13 13:33:51 by mydu6 @mydu6

I have read so me interesting comments here and I thought I would have a little something to add. I too have been hit by AB it took me a little while and I should have listened to my instincts more I guess but I am sure I did not lose as much as others have. The give away for me was the fact that after a phone chat and exchange of emails there was no further contact and every time I went online and the lady if fake lady was online she would never respond or just go off line. This considering it was all her idea for me to call in the first place. Then I took another close look at the profiles and the comments that came at me of such a sexual nature then the penny dropped so to speak.

I have to admit after that I was very cautious and unconvinced about CLM as my trust had completely gone. However I liked the fact that there is a jail and sure there are one or two that try it on but they are easy to spot now.

I think that guys here if they are new to being around Asian girls should know that generally Asian girls are for the most part very honest with an amazing capicity for loyalty and love which for me is the attraction as opposed to the shallow ways of most western girls these days. I believe therefore that Asian girls deserve a much higher degree of respect and to expect them to host a strange man they have met on the net after a very short time is just asking too much and I am sure would be a very scary idea to many of them. I was lucky enough to have had a girl from Vietnam sail with me on my boat from New Zealand to Mexico and the USA. there was never any romance between us ever, we became great friends and I should point out that she was born in the USA but the Asian values were still strong with her and her family.

As it turned out she was the best crew I have ever had and so much better tan many so called men I have sailed with. She had real courage and integrity and I guess you could say that she is responsible for me opening my eyes and looking for a lady in China or Asia. I do not think you should be in a hurry, spend time to get to know the girl and if it feels right then carry on, if not then be honest and move on. But whatever you do do not treat them like fools, they are honest elegant respectful and beautiful and any time invested in really getting to now the lady first will pay off huge dividends in the future.

I would also suggest that if you are serious then get to know the culture do not expect her to just suddenly be western in her ideas and values it will not happen and for me it is the culture and values that attract me so much.

I have only been on this site a short time and already I have found a lovely girl. She isnt perfect but then who is? I am not perfect but the key thing here is that we discuss all kinds of things and not only do we have a meeting of the minds we have found that we have similar views on many subjects. Remember sex only take s up a small part of your life the rest will be very empty if you can not find common ground on a variety of subjects. If you try to base your relationship on sex then you are doomed. Remember if you intend to bring her to your country you will have to give her more attention and love and respect than you are probably used to with western ladies. They are giving up a lot for you, you are taking them away from their friends and family their work and everything they know so you have to be compassionate and tolerant remember she will feel isolated and she will rely on you completely and if you ignore this then you will only make her sad. If you take a flower away from the sunshine it dies, so keep that in mind.

I myself intend to go and live in China because it is easier since I can easily teach English there. In this way I learn about the culture the language and the food and after she has a very good grasp on English then maybe we will decide to come back to New Zealand. But I would like to stress that when I go to China to meet her I will be finding my own place to stay, ok she has agreed to help me find a suitable place but at no time have I tried to make her feel that she has to host me.

My last point is one of honesty. I have gone out of my way to discuss anything that I believe is a negative about my self however I have not made a big deal about it and it has come over a period of time but it is very important to be honest because she will meet you and if you try to be somebody you are not then she will see it right away and feel deceived and I do not thin I need to tell you that if you do not have honesty then you do not have trust and if you do not have trust how can you possibly have love?

I think it is very easy to get carried away chatting on the net, it is easy to say things you would not normally do so face to face and I guess that creates the temptation to use the L word when really it does not exist. Neither the lady I am talking with or myself have used that and in fact a couple of times both of us have pulled each other up when our discussions have become a little too emotional because we both recognise that we do need to meet first to seal it with a kiss so to speak.

I never discuss sex period! For us we are more interested in learning about each other and we believe that if everything else is good then there is no reason to think that the sex would be any less, but it isn't at the top of our list. I am very glad I came to this site, I am pretty sure that I have found the perfect girl for me and it is a 10 out of 10 for CLM as far as I am concerned. I will leave you with this parting few words of wisdom. DO NOT GO ANYWHERE NEAR AB's I have absolutely no doubt that it is a scam and I am not so concerned about the waste of money as I am the waste of time it was as it almost prevented me from finding the girl I have been looking for most of my life. Finally I am a happy man.

Regards to all

#2014-08-13 17:34:12 by Barry1 @Barry1


A very interesting post, thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences with us, Mydu6. I hope a lot of men read what you've written here, because it makes so much sense. Best of luck with everything.

Cheers mate. (y)

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