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I teach science at a small college in Wisconsin. Chinese women should understand that it is freaking cold in Wisconsin, we put cheese in pretty much everything, and we have something called "Packers". But it is still better than Australia. I have never been to China, but I love Kung pao chicken, so there's that. I have pissed off a couple of women on this site, so if there are any nasty comments on my blog, it is probably them. Like you, I do not understand why I am single.
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Introducing Carl and MUCHAR, CLM's New Foolproof Matching Science    

By Carl
2893 Views | 11 Comments | 10/14/2015 8:06:29 AM

In 1924 Science and Invention Magazine was touting scientific matching, but that was a parlor game compared to MUCHAR.

Hello, everyone.  My name is Carl (CJS1960), and I have been hanging around CLM for about a year.  I have truly enjoyed the experience, and I have met some great ladies, I have enjoyed the writings of many of the bloggers, and (quite frankly) I’ve learned a lot.  Of course, I’ve also pissed off some great ladies, I’ve read some real b.s. on the blogs, and I’ve wasted an incredible amount of time sending emails to women who haven’t been on the site since 2009.  I just recently learned about the “last login” feature.  No wonder “Iamtheone” never responded.



But in general, this has been a remarkably positive experience, so I decided I wanted to give back to the community, and thought I would start a major project to help everyone find their soulmate.  OK…that isn’t how this little experiment started. In reality, I was a little drunk one night, and started playing around with the buttons on the webpage. 



But in any case, I think I have come up with a scientific way for all of us to find the perfect match.  I’ve decided to call it “Matchmaking Using Chinese Astrology and Randomness”, or MUCHAR.  Of course, “Chinese astrology” and “Randomness” are pretty much the same thing.  My background is in science, so you people can believe me…this is science.



The technique is simple:  Go to the “hottest of all time” area of the webpage, found under “browse”.  Why it is not under “hottest”, I have no idea.  Ask John.  Now, choose “photo view”.  Make sure that Age=”any”, and Filter=”hottest of all time”.  Then…click “All”.



You get a list of, basically, all of us…..”hottest” to “least hot”.  Now, I am not sure what statistical matrix CLM uses to judge “hotness”.   But who cares…this is science.  And since when does science need a sound statistical foundation?



Dear John:  And it pisses me off that I am not on the first page.  Or second.  Or, like, anywhere in the first 50 pages.



Now, on to the genius of MUCHAR.  Here’s where the matchmaking comes in.  People whose photos are next to each other have to get married.  Contractually.  Remember….John’s a lawyer.  Next time, before renewing, read the small print of CLM’s “User Agreement” before hitting “I Agree”. 



Heretofore, these people will be called “winners in love”.



“But wait,” you say, “aren’t, like, around ½ of us next to 2 people?”  “No,” I say, “EXACTLY ½ of us are next to 2 people.”  This is science, so be exact! 



So I did some research.  I googled “man woman statue wedding cake”, and then I choose “images” on the “results” page.  Turns out the man is almost always on the left on those little statues.  Err…..our left, not theirs.  So….here’s the rule:  If a man’s photo is on the left of a woman’s photo, they must immediately get married.  Of course, if a man’s photo is to the left of another man’s photo, he is categorized as “loser”, and that man will automatically be placed into next month’s applicant pool, after all the winners have gotten married.  In other words, they get the leftovers. 



Two women who are next to each other will also be tossed automatically into next month’s pool, unless they are both really hot, in which case they are allowed to follow my….errrrr…their dreams.



A couple of other rules:  if a man wasn’t wearing a shirt in their profile photo, they were disqualified due to their lack of understanding of Chinese women, or basic human etiquette in general.  If a woman wasn’t wearing a shirt, they were also removed from competition, but added to my “favorites” and I later emailed them myself.  Anyone next to a “contact me for password” or “image unavailable” was given a free pass, because, you know….who knows?  



Other than that, all MUCHAR results are legally binding.



All the winners of this month’s MUCHAR have been notified, and wedding plans have been made.  I am here today to let you losers know how things went.  Here are some highlights from the first 50 pages of results.



Why the first 50 pages of results?  Because there are 1905 pages, for Christ’s sake, and I have a life!  By the way……the number “1905”, as it turns out, is the birth year of the oldest man on CLM (I’m talking to you, “geezer1908”….stop lying about your birth year!).  See, Chinese astrology is real!  That’s no coincidence, my friends!



No…I did not appear within the first 50 pages of “hottest of all time”, which really pisses me off.  Chinese women, start choosing me more!



OK…here are some interesting couples, and other interesting notes, on this month’s MUCHAR results:



EDITOR’S NOTE: (just kidding…this is Carl again.  John doesn’t actually do any work.)  The results of MUCHAR were starting to change the next morning after I sent this in.  It wasn’t going to be funny.  So I took “screen captures” of the webpages for John's lackey to post here.  Isn’t the interweb googley-thingy great?  So your results may vary.  This is MUCHAR 10/12/2015).



Page 01:



1.  Richards1965 had better stop looking at us that way, or iriswang is gonna slap him silly.



2.  lifeisadventure is voted “luckiest man alive”, while roselove is voted “unluckiest woman alive”.



3.  Dragon and 1158 are obviously a match made in heaven.



4.  There are way too many men with durags on CLM.



5.  Quite complaining, audy7 … she’s still the “cute one” in your relationship.



6.  Geez….why haven’t I come across winning69 before.



MUCHAR CLM Scientific Matching Page 1



Page02:



1.  We are all pretty sure that tasdevilstar is pretty pissed at himself for being disqualified for not having a profile pic. Aren’t we?



2.  gary2011 and mery have announced they will be opening a sunglasses store.



3.  No one has seen or heard from either bud7 or ralph1951 since their first luncheon encounter with their new fiancés.  If you have any information regarding their whereabouts, please contact CLM.



4.  I swear to god, pika and tina838 look like my Uncle John and Aunt Kim.



5.  Unfortunately, vivien1002 gets airsick.



MUCHAR CLM Scientific Matching Page 2



Page03:



1.  This was voted “Page with the best ‘first row’”.



2.  Wipe that smile off your face, ernest19wood45



3.  OK…change of mind.  Engineer11 is voted “luckiest man alive”, while donna2000 is voted “unluckiest woman alive”.



4.  Livinggeorgia and angel2 have announced their divorce.



5.  Kalzorch….duuuuude!



6.  Someone tell me that last row doesn’t look like the trailer from some slasher movie!



Chinese Dating Science on ChinaLoveMatch



Page04:



1.  Leemm just can’t get over usalegal’s hair.



2.  Look!  Dragon49 is thanking god!



3.  OK, snowboard4life…you and her are tied for “cute one in the relationship”.



True Science in the field of Chinese Dating



Page05:



1.  Oh geez…check out trulybrave and yukimomo.  He’d better be “truly brave”!



EDITOR’S NOTE:  This is one that changed before Carl took a screen shot.  In an unbelievable turn of events, Jus has moved in on Trulybrave’s territory, and Trulybrave is totally OK with that.



2.  I swear to god, turnerbrown and helen1020 look like my Uncle John and Aunt Kim.



3.  One word: “steelydon’t”



4.  I think we can all agree….ferlo did well, and he knows it.



5.  Hey, look…Paul Fox landed one!



CLM Chinese Dating Science is infallible



Page06:



1.  Lumona is digging it, dude.



2.  Someone had better tell zhenxiaohong that “ilikechina69” has more than one meaning.



3.  qqRachel LOVES ponytails on men.  And Quinying’s jealous.



4.  Obviously, steve128 and xiofang have decided to bring another man into the relationship.



5.  Fortunately, “alian” means “I like you, too” in Mandarin.



6.  Try again next month, Pomypete!



ChineLoveMatch Chinese Dating Science Rules!



Page07:



1.  OK…change of mind.  Stingray53 is voted “luckiest man alive”, while Hxq is voted “unluckiest woman alive”.



2.  Messaoudi and Vipbeauty are not speaking to each other.



3.  No, Markoon, I am not worried about her name.



4.   Coincidently, “Dracula” means “blood sucking” in Mandarin.  Fortunately, that’s considered a great delicacy in China.



5.  Marctyson1 is pondering going for lovemusicna, even though she doesn’t have a pic.  I mean, did you  check out the bod on that silhouette?



On CLM you cannot fail to find your life mate.



Page08:



1.  Bocephus is pretty sure I meant “man on the right marries woman on the left.”  BTW….cool name, bocephus.



2.  Look….JohnnyCool meets his match!  Johnny, “zengwangqiqi” means “I love opera” in Mandarin.  Sorry.  Not cool.



How do you like Carl and Chinese Dating Science so far?



OK…I’ll let you guys carry it on from there.  Have fun at the expense of your peers.  Cheers.


Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
Comments
(Showing 1 to 10 of 11) 1 2 More...
#2015-10-14 08:03:47 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

So there I was, working late trying to get last minute things done, when I noticed a last unopened message had popped into my inbox. I could hardly keep my eyes open, and almost chose to ignore it, but because it was about a possible blog post I couldn't resist. Well of course what I had just opened, was a letter containing a word doc, which in turn contained the blog you have now just read. Without the images however.

I read the pleasant letter, which teased me just enough to open the proposed guest blog. Within a few lines I was already chuckling, and after a few paragraphs I was laughing out loud. This is science, indeed!

After reading the article once and laughing constantly, I decided I wasn't tired at all, and that I should pour myself a glass of wine and go explore the Hottest All Time pages to see what he was talking about. Then I reread the article and followed it through the pages. It was even funnier the second time through.

Of course, I contacted Carl via email, and congratulated him on his scientific discovery. Imagine how much time this is going to save all you members. No more bickering over how many women or men you should meet when you travel to another country. No more concerns over whether the photo on the profile was taken in the last 20 years or not. No more concerns whether the guy actually has a job or not. None of that matters now. It has all been taken out of your hands and placed in the care of modern science at its best.

Once every full moon, going by the Chinese lunar calendar, CLM will simply take a simple snapshot of the Hottest All Time and your matches will be determined. We'll notify you by email, you'll set up your weddings, and off you will be to the land of happy ever after.

I asked Carl if he'd be good enough to blog for CLM to help ensure that any questions members might have about exactly how MUCHAR works could be explained in detail. You never know, a few of you may not quite grasp the beautiful simplicity of MUCHAR, and as with every scientific discovery of such monument there are always a few doubters. It is inevitable. But Carl was good enough to agree to blog for us, so feel more than free to pepper him with any questions you may have.

DISCLAIMERS:

1. This is Carl's science, not CLM's. If by some strange chance you find yourself married to someone who is truly unbearable, and after years of trying you just cannot accept that this was your perfect match, take it up with Carl, not us. We don't really understand how MUCHAR works either. We just trust in Science. Carl's science.

2. If you happen to be one of Carl's innocent victims please remember that all was done in the name of scientific progress, and the small bit of fun at other people's expense was just a natural result. Note that I too was made to look silly, so obviously any fault that can be found with the insulting nature of the science here can only be laid at the feet of the scientist and not at the feet of a fellow innocent victim.

FOOTNOTES: with his first blog Carl seems to have posted the longest blog ever on the CLM/ALM blogs. Of course, the 8 lengthy screenshots helped.

We apologize for the low quality of the screenshots but they were big files and we had to reduce the quality to ensure the page would still open in less than a day even on slow connections.

In our opinion, this also qualifies as the funniest blog ever posted on our blogs, and also quite possibly the craziest.

Welcome to the blogs Carl, great first post. (clap)(clap)(clap)

#2015-10-14 11:28:22 by Anniehow @Anniehow

Great blog! One of my favorite styles: random and funny in a similar way to My Own swordsmen. I laughed really hard at some matching comments. I cried because I am not on the Hottest list and then I thought to myself I prefer not to leave a giant or not so giant online dating footprint on the world most scientific matching sytem, which is relieving.

#2015-10-14 12:42:30 by melcyan @melcyan

Hi Carl
Congratulations on a great blog. It was so funny that I had to read it again and it was even funnier the second time. It is a good thing I am not able to drink alcohol at the moment because I think I would have destroyed my laptop with red wine. If Saja27 could win a prize with his first ever post on CLM, then I think you should win a prize with your first ever CLM blog.

#2015-10-14 19:22:20 by Mela01 @Mela01

Hello ,Carl !
Your ideas are very good! Is it able to do so? Only precious John knows.
I understand the site, CLM is the best, I hope to be able to continue to innovate. There is a shortage: many members have been 2 years did not go to CLM, which will waste more search time

#2015-10-15 17:19:59 by 99moonriver @99moonriver

wow ...................amazing 8-|...................amusing! (clap)



#2015-10-16 07:23:15 by CJS1960 @CJS1960

Thanks for the supportive comments, everyone! I am glad that the humor "translates well"! I was worried about that.

@JohnAbbot: thanks for the gracious intro. BTW....you told me "the check is in the mail" in your last email. Should I continue to hold my breath, as you suggested?:)

@Anniehow: Random? I think you misunderstand "science". I do understand what you mean about a giant "footprint"... :) I had to google "My Own Swordsmen"...I might have to rent that one. Do people still rent movies?

Thanks, @Mela01 and @99moonriver. Right back at you both!

#2015-10-16 13:58:11 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

@CJS1960 - I am sorry Carl, you seem to have misread my last email. It actually said "the check is in your dreams!" I hope that provides some clarity on the question about holding your breath. (rofl)

#2015-10-20 19:40:11 by 99moonriver @99moonriver

@JohnAbbot

hi, John, would like to have your Email, something about blog.

#2015-10-21 11:09:34 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

@99moonriver - you can email me at service@ChinaLoveMatch.net. Please type "Attn: John" in the subject line (Title) and someone will get it to me quickly. I look forward to hearing from you.

#2015-10-22 17:20:03 by 99moonriver @99moonriver

@JohnAbbot

Thanks :)

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