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Peter lived for nearly a half-decade in China, including two as a Peace Corps volunteer, and is the author of Socrates in Sichuan: Chinese Students Search for Truth, Justice and the (Chinese) Way. It is the intention of his blog to foster the sort of intercultural understanding necessary for long term relationships.
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If You Want a Successful Relationship with an Asian Woman, Don’t Do This    

By Peter V
1323 Views | 27 Comments | 9/28/2018 12:26:33 PM
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(Showing 11 to 20 of 27) Previous 1 2 3 More...
#2018-10-02 19:48:34 by autumn2066 @autumn2066

Usually Chinese don't show their emotion easily, many Chinese people have been trained to keep calm and self-discipline since kindergarden. So many Chinese have gotten used to hide their emotion.Usually Chinese could sense other people's emotion quickly from each ohter's face looking and body language.There are many silent Chinese couples, they few talk with each other, but they behave tacitly, they might have gotten used to express their feeling with eyes and face-countenance.

If I was a western husband,if my Chinese wife seems mad at me, I would hug her,appoligize to her at soon as I could, no matter it is my fault or not, simply,just say sorry to stop the coming fight.I would say a lot of sweet words such as "Sweetie I am sorry! If I ever did anything made you unhappy? Please always remember that I love you! If I ever did anything wrong, please forgive me and teach me, so I won't make the same mistake again.I love you so much you know,...." Blablablabla, just give her a bunch of sweet words and then she won't mad at you any more.

Remember, women are ear-animal. Sweet words is the most effective fire extinguisher.

Those husbands who want to start a serious conversation to find out whose fault, should be identified as LOW EQ.:D 

Because many Chinese women might be "A BIT" hard to out-stubborn,(giggle) if your Chinese wife misunderstand that you are starting a fight with her, Ok, run and hide,you will find your wife suddenly turn to a combat mode.(giggle)

What do you prefer? --------- Fighting with a marine, or apologizing with sweet words, you choose.:P

#2018-10-02 20:10:49 by autumn2066 @autumn2066


@woaizhongguo

Conversation with Chinese women, usually men need to guess. Sometimes YES might mean NO, sometimes NO might mean YES.

Chinese have a joke about this ambiguity of language : Women's "Please! Don't! Stop!" might mean "Please don't stop!"

Sometimes men guess right, sometimes men guess wrong. Sometimes men tired of playing riddle game, feel depressed.

As I said,it might be hard for many men to improve their sensitivity about women's emotion quickly, so the easiest way is to learn to apologize and speak more sweet words.

#2018-10-04 05:02:38 by newbeginning @newbeginning

catering to a chinese woman or any woman in fact is ridiculous. If I was married to a chinese woman I would never apologise if it was clearly not my fault. She would think I was weak, easily manipulated and not much of a man. I would rather be single than "give in" when it is not my fault. Remember women even chinese women will tell you want you want to hear in order to get their own way. If a woman respects you she will not try to manipulate you in any fashion except in bed.

 

Ta Tah!

#2018-10-04 12:01:28 by woaizhongguo @woaizhongguo

@autumn2066: you are abosolutely right that about the worst thing in the world a Western man can do when confronted with an angry Chines wife is to try to talk it out. The man in that case does not necessarily have a low EQ; rather, he is culturally challenged. As I said in the article, within the context of a Western relationship, talking it out would be the recommended course of action--certainly what I was taught in all my therapy training and would advise in my practice between Western couples. But as you point out, a different strategy is required when the situation involes a Western man and Chinese woman. And your advice about what to do in such a situation is dead on accurate.

#2018-10-04 12:08:54 by woaizhongguo @woaizhongguo

@sunrise68: Another example of low and high context. When a group of people go out to dinner in China (high context culture), it usually clear without anyone saying anything who is going to pay and who is going to order. This does not have to be explicilty stated. Even the fights that can occur at such times are mostly highly choreographed affairs, Kabuki theater if I may swtich cultures for a second.  In any situation where a group of llow context Westerners go out, there is usually an explicit statement of who is paying for what, whether someone is treating, etc.This information must be explicitly supplied. I personally witnessed countless occasions where a Westerner would join a group of Chinese and, not understading the implied rules, would mess things up by trying to pay their fair share or ordering when that ritual has already (implicilty) been agreed upon. 

#2018-10-04 12:16:09 by woaizhongguo @woaizhongguo

@JohnAbbot: "Recovery time in those cases can be lengthy, and punishment severe." Truer words were never spoken. It is also important to realize as you oint out that for the Chinese woman "public includes when I am alone in my home office and out of hearing of anyone but her." This is another important difference between Westerners and many Asian cultures: there is not as big a public/private split in Asian cultures as in Western cultures. A Western parent who might hit their child at home would never consider doing it in public, where the Chinese is much more likely to equally to engage it this act in private and in public. 

#2018-10-05 04:07:39 by woaizhongguo @woaizhongguo

@oldghost: First, thanks for bringing the discussion around to the central topic of the essay, which involves the level of explicit communication of emotion in Asian and Western cultures. A very succinct and vivid way to describe the difference between Asian and Western females in terms of length and word counts of arguments.When you say, "Introspection, psychology, observation of body language,explicit expression of thought are much more a part of the Western culture," I would with agree with @melcyan with three out of four of those and suggest that observation of body language is generally speaking an Asian more than Western trait.  

#2018-10-05 23:49:52 by woaizhongguo @woaizhongguo

@newbeginning: While having a successful intercultural relationship requires care and study of your prospective partner's culture, the rules for having an unsuccessful relationship are the same across cultures and requires no work whatsoever. You seem bent on the latter course. Also, if you are that concerned about keeping your masculinity in tact, in the future I would not sign off with "Ta Tah."

#2018-10-07 02:02:19 by autumn2066 @autumn2066

@newbeginning

You said :"catering to a chinese woman or any woman in fact is ridiculous. If I was married to a chinese woman I would never apologise if it was clearly not my fault. She would think I was weak, easily manipulated and not much of a man. I would rather be single than "give in" when it is not my fault. Remember women even chinese women will tell you want you want to hear in order to get their own way. If a woman respects you she will not try to manipulate you in any fashion except in bed."

------------------------------------------------------------------

Smiling to your comment.: )

My dear friend, I agree with you that we should not let other people control us or force us to listen to them. Let us share our different views from our own standings, and then we could benefit from exchanging views to reach a better understanding about cross-culture relationship.

Why I said that apologizing quickly with sweet words is a better way to deal with the fight with Chinese wives ? Because cross-culture relationship usually has language barrier and cultural conflict. While cross-culture couples could not explain stuff clearly nor express their feeling fluently in a same language, how could they deal with their complicated problem in a way of talking things out using different language? How could a couple avoid driving each other mad in trying to judge whose fault ?? Serious conversation might be good while both are in a good mood and both can be fluent in expressing themselves, otherwise trying to talk things out would only make things worse right after the quarrel has started.

#2018-10-07 02:47:34 by autumn2066 @autumn2066


@newbeginning

Another reason is deeper and complicated involving with Chinese history, you western men might no much interest to read. If you feel bored about my writing, you could skip over my following five or six paragraphs and head straight to the end of the summary.: )

You know, Chinese culture has thousands of years of history, a very popular Chinese view was that if a man can’t be successful in his career, that must because his wife is not good enough to help him; If a man die before 50 years age, that social would tend to blame his wife caused him bad luck; If a king can’t be a good king, that must be his mother or his wives’ fault !....... Growing up in such a men-center culture country, many Chinese men have gotten used to direct their anger towards their wife, many Chinese women also have gotten used to take all kinds of responsibility for their husband and their family. In old time, only Chinese women apologize to men, few Chinese men apologize to women.

Many Chinese women who I know could apologize to her husband quite often and quickly, even if that was not her fault at all. Many Chinese wives don’t want to quarrel with her husband, because she cherishes her marriage very much, she doesn’t want her husband nor her children suffer from a bad marriage, so she would trying her best to protect her children and take the responsibility to deal with her husband’s anger and bad mood. For these traditional Chinese women, keeping silence while her husband blame her in loud voice and then apologizing to her husband quickly, seems a way to avoid family fight and help her husband feel better.

Sounds weak and over obedient, right? I don’t think these traditional Chinese women were weak or stupid or easy to be controlled or trying to control their husbands, contrarily I see these Chinese women have a soft tender heart and true care for her marriage.

IMO, those people who could say sorry quickly to their partner, usually are those people who cherish their relationship more, most of them have bigger heart and thoughtful mind, they deserve their partner’s appreciation and cherish.

What a pity that many Chinese men don’t respect their marriage nor cherish their women. Being a daughter, a wife, a mother, many traditional Chinese women put her parents, her husband and her children’s well-being over herself, many Chinese wives could swallow all kinds of grievance in her life, not because she is weak or stupid, but because she really wants to try her best keeping a steady marriage for the sake of her parents and her children. Many Chinese traditional women have been working really hard like a dog supporting her own family and her husband’s family, while her husband might lead an irresponsible life playing gambling or drinking with his male friends nearly every night, or proud of having home wreckers outside their marriage. Those Chinese husbands usually don’t feel guilty at all, so their poor wives might never hear her husband apologize to her, never did, never will.

When things come to between a western man and a traditional Chinese woman, I want to call western men’s attention that you are not in a relationship with a tough aggressive western woman, but with a Chinese woman whom has a background of men-center culture, that means she might have some shadow of being depressed by her culture for many years, she might have been disappointed deeply by her family members or her husband, she might have tired of supporting those selfish family members whom treat her kindness as a duty, she might protect herself in a reflexive manner while western men are too aggreesive in dating, she might dump those western men whom seem refuse to take men’s responsibility ……Yes, cross-culture relationship might be confuse time to time due to the culture difference, but the good part is hard to deny -------- If western men are looking for a dedicated wife, Chinese women could give him what he wants.If Chinese women are looking for a fun loving husband, western men could give her what she wants.-------- Sounds both win, right? 

There are many wounded tender hearts in this net-dating website, no matter Western or Asian, both want someone to share and creat a better life, So if western men could empathy your Chinese woman, protect her, love her, treat her with respect and care, even apologize to her quickly after a quarrel, she most likely would feel surprised by your generous attitude and moved by you and then want to cherish you more!

If apologizing could show your cherish attitude towards your Chinese woman, if the word “ I am Sorry” might get you western men a lot great rewards from your Chinese women, will you western men still insist to focus on protecting your men ego more than focus on your partner’s feeling and the well-being of you two’s future? 

I have noticed that in a quarrel between Chinese women and western men, both sides might misunderstand each other's motivation and psychology. No matter men or women, if any one of a couple always insists to be the winner, refusing to put their feet into each other's shoes, they could never truly avoid the coming contradiction enlargement, even if they might have perfect sex.

Lack of empathy and reluctance to devote time and energy to each other's needs, is a terminator in a relationship.I guess a cross-culture relationship need more patience and courage,including the courage of challenging our comfort zone.

No matter same-culture or cross-culture, if both sides could keep in mind that “Who Wins” is never helpful in a relationship, but “ Both Win” is, then the relationship will be much easier and happier.

Good Chinese woman won’t use people to get their benefit, contrarily they are not selfish and tend to value " both win", some even want to protect her husband,they always try her best to benefit her man and her family.Those good Chinese women usually know how to respect and honor her man’s ego. : )

You are right, we need to be careful in searching for the right one.There are some women are good while some are bad, it is the same all over the world, likewise, there are good western men while selfish western men also active. What we could do? Maybe learn from everyone and become wiser and wiser.

What do you think? : )

 

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