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If One Member is Cheating on a Spouse Via CLM or ALM, What Should We Do?    

By John Abbot
1805 Views | 7 Comments | 12/6/2016 1:10:10 PM

How much sympathy does an angry husband deserve?

Not too long ago we received a letter from a “member” of CLM complaining about behavior of his Chinese “wife”, also a member, while they were in the process of obtaining a visa for her to move to the USA to live with him. I admit that I might have had some sympathy for this person had his approach been different, but the approach basically set me off. I am interested in readers’ thoughts on how you might have handled the situation differently. Thanks for any comments.

Letter from Member Through CLM Contact Page

His/Her Question:

I have a general question about

He/She Said That:

My name is ________. For several weeks my wife has had a profile on your website. She is Chinese and a visa application filed by me is in process. She used a fake name of __________ with some fake information. Her profile was discontinued between September 10th and 15th. Her emails were sent to In order to track her activity I used a fake name and information. The emails from this site to her started on August 24, 2016 but may have been opened at an earlier date. I request information from you to be used against her by the proper authorities. She had planned to scam me, by using my visa then making contacts with the American men and possibly making contact with these men in the USA. PLEASE GIVE ME THE ACTUAL DATE SHE JOINED THIS SITE. I have reason to believe that she is also using another alias for another profile. I also want this Alias profile name. If you do not cooperate, you will receive a letter from the ISCIS visa office who may also investigate other fraudulent members on your site. Sincerely ____________

Letter from CLM in Response

Dear ___________

While we are sorry you are going through some kind of marital issues, we suggest that you change your approach in this matter substantially. Your demands and threats are going to achieve absolutely nothing with us. Your attempt to play hard nosed detective in this matter, instead of acting like a genuinely hurt and concerned husband would act, has removed any sympathy or empathy we might have had for you.

We cannot divulge one member's information to another member or we would be breaching our duty of confidentiality. Anybody could contact us and claim to be one of our member's husbands and start demanding information about that member. Even if she is your wife that would not change our obligations in any manner, but we have no evidence that she is your wife in any event.

We are not going to tell you when _________ joined, we are not going to tell you anything about her onsite activity or lack thereof, we are not going to tell you the username of any other membership that might also be hers (although we will tell you that we have no reason to believe there is such other membership), and we are not going to provide you any other information about her that you could not have read on her public profile.

If _________ writes to us from her registered email address and asks us to provide any information to her, or to you on her behalf, and if she then has a video chat with us so we can be certain it is her writing and that she is not doing so due to intimidation by yourself, we will cooperate to the extent she is genuinely seeking. Otherwise we have no intention of cooperating with you whatsoever.

We would be more than happy to hear from “the ISCIS visa office" or other "proper authorities" and discuss the matter with them, but we sincerely doubt that is going to happen.

We note that while on our site under what you admit is a "fake" profile, while attempting contact with ________ 3 times, you also sent 112 messages to other members of our site, none of whose photos resemble _________'s profile photo. Perhaps you could explain to us what your motives were for contacting those women?

Because you have admitted you are not genuinely on our site to seek a long term relationship, your communications with those members of our site are highly inappropriate and we are going to have to notify all of them that if they are in contact with you they should not trust you if you are telling them you are seeking a real relationship.

Whatever the true situation is regarding ________, your actions in falsely joining our site and in approaching dozens of our lady members under completely false pretenses is both dishonorable and unacceptable. We are cancelling your membership now and request that you do not try to join again and do not contact us again directly.

As stated, should ________ contact us and satisfy us it is really her, we will cooperate with her in attempting to resolve any issues between herself and you, but failing that we will not be offering you any cooperation hereafter. 

Best regards,

John Abbot


As I said, maybe I was less sympathetic than was called for, and should have tried to harder to accommodate this man, but without betraying the lady in questions confidence, of course.

Please give me your thoughts.

Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
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#2016-12-06 15:38:20 by melcyan @melcyan

Well done John. You handled it very well.


This guy is a devious liar  who got the treatment he deserved.


Devious liars are the ones most likely to play "gotcha" games and make threats. People of substance and character can recognise other people as being worthwhile without having to resort to these sort of "gotcha" games to check on the genuineness of another person's intentions.


On the issue of multiple accounts, it reminds me of when I was on an Australian dating site ten years ago. I recognised 3 women as having multiple accounts but I did not report them.  Probably for every case that is reported, there would be at least 10 others unreported.


I suspect it is a problem on all dating sites. Also, some men and women frequently close and restart memberships. The reason they do this is because new members get the most attention. However, a lot of that attention given to new members is low quality.

#2016-12-06 17:54:55 by YinTingYu @YinTingYu

@John Abbot

Hi John.  No worries on this one Bud.  I too developed some "heat" when I read about this incident especially after his first six sentences, "In order to track her activity I used a fake name and information" etc...He broke the CLM/ALM rules as stated in the "Terms of Agreement"on page 2, no.5, items (c), (d), possibly (h), (i- iii) and left you no other option!  What else could you ethically do?  This person acted out of hurt pride and anger without prior CLM consultation.  Actually, it constitutes scamming. What was the result?  Ex-Membership !!  (Poh-Boy).

I did have slight compassion with this fellow because I would wish no one to be involved with some wiley creature who had hidden agenda(s), especially in the areas of long term partnership or marriage but, this incident truly Was Not your fault.

Compassion reached a nadir when I read his demands of informing the ISCIS or other "proper authorities" if CLM did not comply. That brought my Scottish DNA a boilin' but was quickly reduced to a simmer by a most excellent companion,...Glen Livet (hehe).

What was this guy thinking?  Being the supposed detective he infered himself to be, would he not consider that you probably have a solid, previously established, working relationship with said agencies?

In this circumstance you had to let the axe fall.  I would have done the same thing.

Good on You Brother.  Good On You.

Gongji, Y.T.Y.

#2016-12-07 14:12:13 by YinTingYu @YinTingYu

@ John Abbot,   @ All.

John and folks, there has been a slightly errant transmisson in my comment. Please believe that I used no emoticons in my inital post but,...the internet system picked up differently. I refer to line four where a "cocktail glass" and "throbing heart" appear. Certainly I  will confess to this, (an imbiber with a true beating heart) but,...this was not my intention. I meant to include items (d) on page 2 and possibly (h). There are others as well. These items are the first that came to mind. Also I gave the wrong title to look under. It is Not "Terms of Agreement" but,..."Terms and Conditions". I hope @All will read and consider the "Terms and Conditions" before pushing the "Accept" button. Once we understand and agree to the rules then,...we are free to explore. COOL !!

Peace Out Y'all and Latcho Drom (safe journey).

Gongji, Y.T.Y.

#2016-12-08 14:18:01 by paulfox1 @paulfox1


I have nothing to add to the above comments. I think Melcy is pretty much spot-on!

However, I would like to mention that a few days ago I received a message in my CLM inbox that I found quite interesting.

It was from a lady who I had contacted a long time ago, and who, up to now, had never replied.

She essentially apologised for 'wasting my time'; that her profile was 'fake'; and that she was only on CLM checking to see if her boyfriend was online or not. To be fair, when I checked back on her profile it DID say that she was now in a relationship, but that still doesn't excuse her behaviour towards her boyfriend, IMHO.

They walk among us!

#2016-12-09 22:41:36 by anonymous15717 @anonymous15717

This is probably a common problem here and at other websites amongst both men and women. i've come across a few instances. Although this isn't a place to find women to have causal sex or commit adultery, you may remember the hacked website Ashley Madison that exposed several celebrities and prominent people. Women are looking for intimacy or in Chinese a deeper guanxi. So if they're not getting it from their boyfriend or husband they may look for it at work or on a site such as this. Men want to be affirmed and the same thing applies. What to do about it? One is to with permission check their website activity and cell for text messages and activity as to what sites they're visiting. Another is to just ask each other the hard question and answer it honesty rather than cover it up, which will lead to lying,  and the breaking of trust which is hard to repair.

#2016-12-13 20:49:57 by kalzorch @kalzorch

Entirely appropriate.  It's only a pity that you had to waste so much time formulating your reply.  I would have been tempted to simply write "Buzz off" and let him stew in his own juices.

#2016-12-15 14:28:06 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

@melcyan - thanks for the support.

On the subject of multiple memberships, we don't allow them and watch for them carefully, but still some people sneak by. Our POV on the issue is that it is really hard to think of a legitimate reason why someone seeking a life partner would be presenting multiple profiles on a dating site.

However, many sites, including especially some of the biggest ones, ignore multiple profiles, on the theory that the busier the site is the better, and from a pure business POV they are likely right. The more activity on the siite, the more Google loves the site and the higher they show up in the search rankings, assuming everything else is equal.

For us it really is close to scamming, and we just don't want our members to be victimized on our sites. Maybe it's not as good for business, but it is good for sleeping well at night.

@YinTingYu - thanks as well for the support.

Regarding the emoticons showing up uninvited, I am at a loss as to how that happened. It is possible but highly unlikely that you accidentally typed the code that would produce the little devils. For example, you could accidentally create the beating heart (h) by typing ( h ) without the spaces, but that's not something one would easily do.

My best guess is that with all the Glen Livet you've been imbibing in you've been forgetting to clear your browser of cookies, cache and history. There's just no telling what kind of trouble those emoticons might get into if allowed to run around uncontrolled and chowing down on cookies. (rofl)

@PaulFox1 - yes, both genders are equally guilty of playing the same games.

@anonymous15717 - your point is well taken, but it would have more strength if not for the fact that it turned out that fewer than 1% of the female memberships on Ashley Madison were real. That makes it pretty hard to reach any conclusion about what the women were looking for, since there were no women.

@kalzorch - sometimes "Buzz off" would be better, and this may well be one of those times. But in my mind I always see the guy running around and complaining to his friends about the response he got. If it was "Buzz off" the friends would likely think 'how rude', and never consider joining CLM, whereas hopefully at least a couple might read a long response, even a somewhat negative one, and at least think we took the time to be responsive and we had a point, and might therefore be inclined to give CLM a try. Maybe that's just wishful thinking on my part.

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