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Peter lived for nearly a half-decade in China, including two as a Peace Corps volunteer, and is the author of Socrates in Sichuan: Chinese Students Search for Truth, Justice and the (Chinese) Way. It is the intention of his blog to foster the sort of intercultural understanding necessary for long term relationships.
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How to Fall in Love with a Chinese Woman    

By Peter V
4322 Views | 18 Comments | 7/24/2015 3:25:29 PM

How to build your Chinese women dating short list with a bucket list of questions.

One problem that confronts the dedicated user of China Love Match is how to get to know another person in enough depth that you want to fly half way around the world to check them out as a potential mate.  For those who are not living in China, this is standard operating procedure:  to choose from among the bounty of Chinese women presented on the site a small number to visit and then, from those few, to hopefully find one you wish to get serious about and settle down with.



But how to arrive at that short list?



You may wish to make that decision based solely on physical attractiveness, but I wouldn’t recommend it, any more than I would recommend basing your diet solely upon the foods that appeal to your sweet tooth. A good diet requires getting to know a little about nutrition, and a good relationship starts by getting to know a bit about the other person.



But how to engage in this necessary task? A profile will provide you with a (hopefully) reasonably accurate physical depiction and a few facts. But after the initial contact, how do you go about getting to know that person in more detail? I have always found this an exceedingly tricky and difficult aspect of international online dating.



Distance and language are the most obvious obstacles.  I mean, it’s hard enough to probe the soul of another native language speaker whom you are sitting next to at a restaurant. But throw in an ocean’s separation and a second language, and you are talking about the romantic equivalent of juggling while driving a car. Yet I think making a sufficiently informed choice about whether to visit a particular woman in China requires going deeper with the other person before you purchase your plane ticket.



An article I recently came across offers a promising solution to this conundrum. Titled “To Fall in Love with Anyone, Do This,” the article sets out a quick, efficient and allegedly effective method for deepening a relationship.  It has been pointed out by QinQL that the above link is not working in China. Because of that we have posted the 36 questions Peter is discussing in the an image below the blog itself. Please see them there. (We sincerely thank QinQL for bringing this to our attention.) 



The method involves the couple asking and answering a series of 36 questions with a potential partner. Beginning with superficial questions like “given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want to have as a dinner guest” and “For what in life are you most grateful?”  you soon advance to  more soul searching inquires such as: “Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?” Finally, you close off with such personal tasks as stating five things you like about your partner and sharing an embarrassment moment with her.



In addition to providing a way to accelerated intimacy, this exercise addresses the issues of distance and language. Since completing this task requires the person spend time by herself to think through and come up the answers, physical separation is not an obstacle to completion of the task.  Moreover, she can translate the questions and her answers into English, and contact you with any problems. Finally, willingness to complete the exercises serves as a screening device. Someone who is not willing to put the work into answering 36 questions is probably not willing to do the work that will be required for an international relationship.



Does it work? I recently performed this experiment and will talk about the results in a forthcoming blog post.


Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
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(Showing 1 to 10 of 18) 1 2 More...
#2015-07-24 15:24:45 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

Peter, we are thrilled to see your blog back in action, and as usual, this post is highly relevant and useful for our members, while at the same time very entertaining.

I think about some of my own early online dating experiences, and I can't help but wonder how many online experiences might have been much more rewarding using this technique, and on the other hand, how many visits to women who turned out to be a total mismatch might have been avoided. I hope you guys are paying attention, this series could end up saving you a lot of grief. The same goes for the Chinese women.

Welcome home Peter, it is great to see you here!

#2015-07-24 18:25:27 by Barry1 @Barry1

A quote from Peter's article above:

"choose from among the bounty of Chinese women presented on the site a small number to visit and then, from those few, to hopefully find one you wish to get serious about and settle down with..... But how to arrive at that short list?"


Peter has written an informative and thought provoking article here. He's suggested ways to whittle down a bevy of nice Chinese ladies into a short list of serious candidates, then visit these few. Prima facie it seems like a reasonable premise. But is it really?

Here is where Peter and I diverge. I speak through hard personal experience in fact, so my views here are based substantively, as opposed to theoretically.

In short, my belief is that if men here make full use of the tools available to them, most importantly being multiple on-camera discussions with the ladies that they're interested in, over time a reasonably firm decision should be able to be made before leaving home, about who is THE ONE that the man is really attracted to.

Please allow me to quote from one of my earlier blogs, that perhaps explains my views here more fully. At that time, I'd been speaking to many different wonderful and appealing ladies until finally I bit the bullet and decided to meet one only.

This was based on personal principles, as the idea of "shopping around" and clinically comparing apples with oranges at a particular point in time in some sort of hard-headed, businesslike fashion just didn't seem right to me. Nor in fact was it in my view, fair on the hapless ladies involved, some of whom no doubt were betting their entire future on the upcoming meeting. The ladies were virtuous thinking and feeling human beings, not just a bunch of passionless cabbages on display, for Pete's sake.

How devastated some would probably have felt, if the man had decided to pass over them. How cruel this seems to the ladies involved. I am not such a person that could inflict such emotional torment, though again I stress, these are personal views only, not for everyone.

http://blog.chinalovematch.net/blog/article/Finally-On-My-Way-To-China

"The plan is for me to visit Tina first and then George will visit her. We'll be flying half way around the world to meet her, an indication that BOTH of us are serious in our intent. I've mentally made the decision that even though I have some wonderful and highly valued friends I've met through CLM - you know who you are, God bless you all - if Tina and I decide NOT to be together, then I'll change my flight booking and return to Australia without seeing anyone else.

The concept of lining up several ladies, meeting them all and then selecting one of them in the end simply didn't appeal to me. It seemed a little like going to a supermarket and choosing the best apple or orange that was available on the shelf on that day.

Please note this is a personal viewpoint only. I'm sure many men have had wonderful success with the strategy of meeting multiple ladies and then choosing one - and good luck to them. It's a decent idea in principle yet when push came to shove, I ended up focussing the vast majority of my time on just one person."

#2015-07-24 22:44:07 by QinQL @QinQL

@JohnAbbot

I could not open the website link:Titled “To Fall in Love with Anyone, Do This” though I could go on our CLM website pages. I thought our chinese members might not open the link either.

Peter,  “Does it work? ”, good question. I am curious too. Look forward to the forthcoming blog post.

#2015-07-25 01:49:50 by woaizhongguo @woaizhongguo

Hi Barry,

Thanks for the comment. First, I want to say that my suggestion in this article is hardly based on theoretical aspects alone. I have been tilling away in the fields of dating Chinese women for some time now. And these questions are something I have actually put into practice, as you will read in an upcoming blog. But I actually think you and I are on the same page in that we prefer to whittle our selection down to one person to visit rather than choose a slate of ladies to line up for a visit. But as you note, this is a matter of personal preference. This is how you and I and some men are built. I have a very good friend who has been dating Chinese women for some time and prefers the scatter gun approach, for lack of a better term. He prefers lining up a number of women to visit. And that works for him, just as the one woman at a time approach works for you and I. The only other thing I would add is that if you are interested in narrowing your choice to one woman (as you see shortly, I did), then the 36 questions are an excellent device for doing so. Or, I should say, at least it helped me. I think regardless of which approach you take, the use of these questions can be helpful.

#2015-07-25 05:54:05 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

@QinQL - thanks to you we have added the 36 questions that Peter is discussing below the blog. Your extra effort on behalf of the members is really appreciated.

#2015-07-25 06:34:44 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

@woaizhongguo & @Barry1 - as you quite rightly say, the multi-visit approach or the single-visit approach is better for those who feel better in their hearts practising each one. I understand that we don't all feel comfortable with the openness and tolerance required of the women if we are planning to visit several in one trip to China, or any other foreign land.

First, the multi-visit can only be practised fairly and honestly, with no subterfuge, or you are dooming in advance any possibility of a quality relationship developing with any of the women you visit. It would be idiocy to sabotage your chance of developing a life long partnership based on love and trust by laying the first cornerstone of the foundation in the quicksand of your own lies.

Second, the women, having been informed of your planned multi-visit approach, must be able to accept it and go with the flow. She must have an open mind, an extremely high sense of self worth or self confidence, and a spirit of independence that allows her to believe that losing you to another is neither a reflection on her nor the end of her future happiness.

Finally, I don't think it matters who is wearing the visitors shoes and who is being visited, the same principles apply.

Having said that, I want to suggest to you that for me, a woman who is capable of being crushed or damaged in any real sense by me coming to visit more women than just her on an expensive journey to China is already not a good match for me. She may be a very good woman, she may be charming and beautiful and what everyone craves. But if she does not have that strong sense of self confidence, if she does not have that spirit of independence, she and I will never last. I know from experience that two things will happen; she will eventually bore me to tears, and I will eventually wear her out with my own spirit of independence, my own need for me time, for travel alone, for time with my friends doing male things.

So, for me, the multi-visit was the only way to go, and any woman who objected to it, or showed signs it would be too painful for her, saved us both a lot of grief by removing herself from my list of people I wanted to meet. Whether she did that voluntarily or did it unknowingly makes no difference, it was better that it was done.

Barry, the one thing about your own story that confuses me though, is the fact that your conscience prevented you from visiting 2 women on the same trip, but you did not feel that Tina should reserve herself for you and you alone. This seems to me like saying that what is good for the goose is not necessarily good for the gander (perhaps I have screwed up the genders, but I don't know much about geese). Why aren't you both held to the same principles?

In a way, these seems to be a bit of a slight to Tina. She seems from your description to be confident and independent, so why did she need saving from rejection but you did not?Did you feel that as a man you are stronger and more capable of handling the rejection than she is as a female? I know that if I went through your series again I would likely find this topic discussed,maybe even by myself, but I can't remember it so I will ask you to comment on it again.

#2015-07-25 12:02:28 by sandy339 @sandy339

Yes, it is so happy to see Peter is back, it is always a treat to read your articles. I thought we might lose you forever because you are back to your world?
It is interesting to notice that I like to explore the human nature by these ways, I even did psychological questionnaire at my classes, which is funny. But I still think there are some secret and personal sides in these questions and let them keep the answers personally. So I would answer these questions secretly and look forwards your next blog…
By the way I don’t trust these questions much, (but it really helps.) I make decisions by my feeling, intuition, need and judgment.

#2015-07-25 12:22:35 by Barry1 @Barry1

@woaizhongguo

Thanks for the comments, Peter. I certainly look forward to reading more of this topic as it's a highly relevant one to nearly every man here, sooner or later.

You mentioned,

"I actually think you and I are on the same page in that we prefer to whittle our selection down to one person to visit rather than choose a slate of ladies to line up for a visit."

To this I say, great stuff.

You also said,

"I have a very good friend who has been dating Chinese women for some time and prefers the scatter gun approach, for lack of a better term. He prefers lining up a number of women to visit. And that works for him..."

I must admit my first thought when you wrote this went to the inimitable Paul Fox, who has had great fun in meeting several ladies on the one visit, albeit unfortunately with no long lasting success at the culmination of it all. But Paul is a good example of the double barreled buckshot approach. Fire enough pellets and surely one will hit the mark eventually!

I say this not in a condemnatory fashion but merely as an example of how all of us are different.

I agree also the 36 questions is a very useful tool in helping us all make a more informed decision about our choices.

Good blog, Peter! (clap)(beer)

#2015-07-25 12:38:15 by Barry1 @Barry1

@JohnAbbot

"Tina.... seems from your description to be confident and independent, so why did she need saving from rejection but you did not? Did you feel that as a man you are stronger and more capable of handling the rejection than she is as a female?"

Good questions, John.

The answer here is three fold.

1. I'm a believer in fate, more or less according to Buddhist principles. So in my mind, I reasoned that if Tina and I were to be together, it wouldn't matter if she saw one person or twenty. What will be, will be. I figured that the choice of her partner was already made, if one was able to look deeply enough.

2. I'm also not particularly jealous. If the lady that I'm with wants to befriend and chat to other men, then so be it. I can't see anything wrong with this. I've mentioned to Tina many times that if she likes to talk to George either now or in the future, that she please have no hesitation in doing so, as far as I'm concerned.

3. I also am confident in my own skin. I felt reasonably secure that my personality and overall demeanour would win her over. And you know what? It did! (y)

As for the other points you raised in your comments, John, they were all fine. For you as an individual. There's no real right or wrong here. No inherently correct answer and none that are incorrect, as far as this relationship area is concerned.

All men are different. All ladies are different. So your approach is just as valid as anyone elses. Each according to their own conscience, mind-set and ability.

Well spoken, John! (y)(beer

#2015-07-25 18:33:35 by Barry1 @Barry1

@nekko

Further to our discussion above, I just noticed our good friend Nekko summed my feelings up precisely last year in a comment made on one of my articles. He said,

"I could not imagine going and do a shop around for the most suitable woman. I guess I did that on QQ."

This is it exactly. QQ is where we should do our shopping, in my view. Engaging in multiple on-camera talks with different ladies, slowly whittling them down to THE ONE, who we then go over to see in person.

Well spoken, Nekko! (clap)(beer)

http://blog.chinalovematch.net/blog/article/Finally-On-My-Way-To-China/2

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