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Lily, originally from Sichuan province (home of spicy food), has lived in Zhejiang province since 2007. She has over 10 years of work experience in international companies in Shenzhen, using English daily; thus having a relatively good command of English. An honest, caring, communicative, appreciative and positive person, Lily enjoys reading, thinking, learning, listening music, nature & dogs. Continuous learning and self-improvement is her life-time goal. She will blog about: keeping a positive outlook on people, things and life; the importance of maintaining good-balance in all aspects of life; Know yourself and what you want before searching for and finding the one most suitable for you. Lily hopes to share her knowledge with others while also learning from them.
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How a Successful Cross Cultural Relationship Regularly Goes Through    

By Lily
2460 Views | 6 Comments | 7/26/2014 2:44:46 PM

It says “All roads lead to Rome” which tells us there is not the only one way could lead to a success. Each story has its own unique beginning…But it can be sure that strong faith, good intention, much of every single effort & attention and great patience are necessities of a successful relationship, especially a cross cultural relationship.



It is not long for me on the searching and I would like to share some of my personal feeling & thinking & understanding on the captioned topic as according to what I have experienced by now. I have to accept that maybe all the mentioned parts are only partial or far inadequate from the real occurrence of a successful relationship due to I am just a beginner for the searching.



As according to my understanding, the usual steps that a successful online dating relationship will regularly goes through are as the followings:



1.    Filter the scammer out



The target of a scammer are always those who intend to rush into the relationship, who doesn’t have normal sense or not good in mind. Those who has mentioned two nationalities, widower of marital status with their profile, two sweet or intimate words, telling some sad story about his unfortunate experience happened to his family, describe how romantic/happy/brilliant the future life would be or what is his property in his first several communications or mails will regular be regarded as a warning sign (red flag) for the possible scammer.



2.    Confirm if have the same purpose 



The starting point is important for the relationship. Only the two has very same purpose or intention, you could be sure you two are in the same boat and work hard toward the same direction which could be expected a successful end. For purpose, some go for a true love, some go for fun, some go for friendship, some go for wealth, some go for a lover, some go for only relationship and some go for a serious relationship that could lead to marriage. Only the two have same purpose, it is worthy to go ahead on the next steps. Basing on this, you had better to directly ask this questions at the very beginning.



3.    Try best to well understand who he/she is



“Who he/she is” includes full aspects with her/him like personalities(both good and bad side),interests or hobbies, job, family, all related relationship… ”One hand alone can’t make clap, it takes two make a quarrel” means both sides more or less should be responsible for the failure or problem. We can’t ignore or deny our responsibility through simply blaming the other side. Divorce more or less implies both sides should lack some kind of ability (this or that) in previous relationship/marriage. Some of us may be aware of that and would like pay very close attention or made any possible improvements on the lacks in the following. Some of us may don’t have that awareness and just simply intend to enter into another relationship. It is always very difficult to change our personality or attitude no matter how hard you try. Thus utmost understand who she/he is will be very important for us to figure out if he/she is the right one or most suitable for us. Only the most suitable is the best one for us.



4.    Routing on-line communication and further understanding each other. 



Most abortion of the relationship may occurred at this step. Open-minded, forgiveness, respect, impersonal and constant emotion are required. Too rush, continuous  pressure, lack of confidence and patience, be blind, unconstant emotion and oversensitive or over analysis are all fatal for the relationship. We had better not simply & too quickly judge the person and the situation only as according to our traditional way until the real feeling from the meeting. Those information we got from words communication is still insufficient for an overall judgment. When we feel something is wrong, a temporary stopping or suspending on communication may be needed as according to the actual situation. This could be helpful to calm you down and avoid you are too sensitive or subjective or arbitrary…



5.    Meeting for real feeling and re-assessment of the person and the relationship



After some time of on-line word or voice/webcam communication, the two go for the real action of meeting each other in person. Up to this step, the both should be almost at the half way to the final official relationship. Nevertheless, the discussion and attitude of both to the undertaking of all possible expense and possible sex could probably influence the relationship. From a traditional Chinese way, the man supposed to pay all the possible occurred expense on such case no matter if the official relationship could be confirmed or not in the end. As per my knowing, most of the Chinese woman still would like to pay some fees on food/entertainment, some of internal bus or train tickets and the very bottom line is her own hotel expense. As per my own personal conclusion that most of American male member would like to initiatively express or undertake all expense possible occurred with the meeting and most of European especial northern European male member would not much like initiatively express their opinion on their full undertaking on the expense which might be connected with their special culture. Likewise, as I have ever mentioned in my previous thread or blog, most of us traditional Chinese woman still used to judge how much the man care or love the woman through how would or intentional the man show on undertaking on the related expense. In western country, love may not be always connected with money & the expense after the long run of equality between man and woman from family and social system. We can’t blame or judge any side only due to different thinking way or tradition but any or both sides do need make a compromise on the point. You can choose the Chinese way or the western way or the negotiated way… Regularly this could test or influence the relationship a lot from my personal view.



Sex is both sensitive and romantic topic for a relationship. Only if you are searching for fun instead of a serious relationship that could lead to marriage, you regularly don’t intend to rush into the sex or have that pressure to the other side at first meeting. Sex means closer relationship, responsibility and commitment for each other. When you only think sex as some kind of fun or romance, it will lose much of sense and make the relationship to be superficial. Basing on that, I still would suggest sex should be occurred in a natural way when both are at the same line and ready for that. On the other side, too quick or earlier of intimate contact (sex) will easily make our eye/feeling to be blind on some other important aspects with the other side. This is fatal for the successful relationship. From physical aspect, possible sexual disease infection or pregnancy may be a risk on an unexpected sex.   



As mentioned, I am just a beginner on searching and all above are only my personal thinking, feeling and opinions. Some of them may be very limited, narrowed and one-sided. Hope no offence to anyone here in any way. The biggest intention for me to write this article is hope those who already are successful on the cross cultural relationship even marriage or the one on the way to could share their experience (good or bad) which will definitely help us new comers a lot on the way to be successful with the cross cultural relationship.



Thanks and look forward to hearing more of your sharing and opinions…



Lily


Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
Comments
(Showing 1 to 6 of 6) 1
#2014-07-26 15:03:46 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

Lily, for someone who says she's a beginner at online dating, you've done an outstanding job of summing up how a successful online cross cultural relationship will succeed and some of the pitfalls to be encountered along the way. This is really well done, and I look forward to seeing what further contributions will be made through member comments.

There are several gems of good information in this blog, and one that stood out for me, was:

"The target of a scammer are always those who intend to rush into the relationship."

Truer words were never said. The headlong rush to find love at all costs in as brief a time as possible is exactly what the Scammers hone in on and take full advantage of, as they break their victims' hearts, their spirit and their pride.

Great blog Lily. I enjoyed reading it a lot.

#2014-07-26 15:53:04 by Barry1 @Barry1

@zqy2014

This article yet again highlights what an analytical and deep thinker you are, thank you, Lily.

My contribution to this topic is my belief that people should NEVER say "I love you" to the other person, unless they have met FACE TO FACE for a reasonable amount of time.

This applies regardless of how long they've been chatting on the internet, even if they've used webcam. Because meeting someone in real life is DIFFERENT to online banter.

So please be careful of someone you've never met in person, who says, "I love you". The chances are that what they really mean is "I like you a lot".

Because how can genuine love be confirmed between two people who have never met face to face? I say it's impossible to know for sure, until this happens. If one person says this to another in this situation, then the "love" must indeed be very superficial, certainly not a deep and meaningful one. I thus say it's not bona fide love at all. Just something closer to affection or good friendship.

#2014-07-26 18:13:51 by zqy2014 @zqy2014

@JohnAbbot

Hi John:

Again thanks for your affirmation and quick comments!

You are the one who set up this website,have been in China over 10 years and successful on the cross cultural relationship/marriage. I am sure you must have gained much of your own experience or skill on your success, witnessed much of success or failure here since the beginning and thus you should be the 1st one who have something to share with us here? You may want to keep these parts for private but we still hope could hear several wise sentences at least..:D

As for how to identify a possible scammer, I did see quite a few special articles you have posted in your blog and I am sure you already have mentioned them in details and it should not be a problem for the members here(who have read your blogs) to tell a possible scammer apart..Thanks for all your efforts you have done for us!(handshake)

Look forward to seeing your sharing and enjoy your weekend..

Lily

#2014-07-27 00:54:30 by anonymous11211 @anonymous11211

interesting article....you failed terribly in your attempt at a cross cultural relationship, now you are an expert giving out advice? (giggle) I do not think so......:x

At least you make the attempt to understand cross cultural relationships and where you went wrong in yours which is a step in the right direction......(clap)

"small steps eventually lead to longer strides"

#2014-07-27 09:52:31 by zqy2014 @zqy2014

@anonymous11211

Thanks for your reading and comments.As mentioned,you think those who has failed in their first trial are not qualified to post such article and share their thoughts.It is with some sense.Or you could assume I really don't have any special thing to write about my 3rd blog within the 1st month that is must for a new blogger here(rofl).

Yes, the failure is already a fact that we can't deny & have to accept but that doesn't means we will be a loser for ever and nothing is good with us.Recalling or re-talking that topic need more courage than just ignore or simply forget. So I am proud of myself would like to take the failure as a way to learn.The final purpose for me to post this article is want to hear more sharing on their successful experience(even failed one) & give some complementary on the captioned topic so that we do better in our next trial & more close to the success.

Life is a self-cultivated journey. The biggest enemy is ourselves. We have been actually in all kinds of battles(challenges) against ourselves during the life. If we can't win in those self-battles(challenges), we can't be successful on the battles(relationship) with others..

Thanks for your comments.

Lily

#2014-07-27 10:10:02 by zqy2014 @zqy2014

@Barry1

Hi Barry:

Again thanks for your reading and timely sharing on your experience during the cross cultural relationship!(handshake)

Yes, regarding when say "I love you", I completely agree with you on the point. "I love you" means a lot for a serious & responsible person.It means some kind of responsibility and commitments.We can't speak out or expect that before times of real meetings,contacts, overall understanding & true like, appreciation & love to other person.

In addition, thanks again for your comprehensive information on all attentions related to visit Jiuzhaigou Valley. I really hope I can take that plan into a real action in the end.. I have ever planned to go to Japan to see the cherry blossom in Spring of this year but finally not achieved...

I look forward to reading more of your sharing on your experience in your blogs in the later time.(talk)

Thanks and have a nice weekend.

Lily

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