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Bren is presently married to a Chinese woman after meeting her on CLM. He's a Production Manager/Designer by profession. He enjoys writing on topics of personal experience and observation. From the "meet & greet" to "married life" with an intercontinental relationship, he hopes to create interest and discussion with all of you. Feel free to say, "Hi!" He also welcomes your messages, questions and feedback through CLM (thedragonb1).
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How Can We Deal With Physical Spousal Abuse?    

By Bren
5628 Views | 25 Comments | 2/26/2012 11:32:52 AM

How can you help when a friend is suffering physical abuse at the hands of her/his spouse?

Hello, CLM fam! Yes, longtime; no see! Could I stay away?! Hell yes! But during my retirement, I was shared a serious subject matter from a Chinese female friend of mine from my CLM past. After discussing it with John Abbot, we both agreed that we can not confirm that her story is completely true or possibly exaggerated. Only time will tell if things will be ok, whatever the case. So I decided to add the clause: I'm going to write this as IF IT IS TRUE... then this is how I feel about it. If it is NOT true, this is how I would feel about it if it WERE TRUE! Then I would like all of you to please comment back as to how to help a friend in need? What would you do if this happened to you? Share your thoughts! I hope to see some interesting discussion here.

A women I met way back in my CLM days successfully met an American man last year and got approved a Fiance Visa. She moved to America to be with him. I expressed concerns about her being with him that my old ass can not remember today, but I did share my usual warnings with her. She made up her mind and decided to follow her heart and move with her daughter to America. I decided to be happy for her. As long as she was happy, nothing else matters. They got married shortly after (you only have 3 months on a K1 Visa). All seemed to be going well with her new life and love. She was adjusting to America and settling in fine. Her daughter enrolled in school and things are going well. Her first experience of winter snow. Life is peachy. For the past months we shared sporadic and sparse friendly online chats since her arrival to the USA. She shared that everything was good with her relationship. She's adjusting well to America and enjoying her new family and home. I was happy for her, naturally.

A few days ago, I had a QQ chat with her and she asked me an odd question. She asked that I be fully honest with her.

"Have you ever hit your wife?"

Of course I made a smart-ass joke telling her, I spank my wife's ass almost daily! Haaha! Especially when she's bad, (We have gotten in the habit of spanking each other's ass. I know it sound freaky, but trust me, it's nothing sexual; more-so playful! Hmm, then again, maybe it is!). My wife and I can have an odd heated disagreement over stupid shit, where she may get so frustrated she will strike me with a slap on my arm, but nothing out of hand. I usually stress, "that she must not be violent! Getting physical when angry is something I do not like because everyone has their limits, you know? So this woman's question was so out of the ordinary, it led me to think that there was something more to her asking such a question.

So I just asked very plainly and to the point, "Hey, are you being hit by your husband?"

She replied, "...yes."

Of course I send a shocking SMILEY face graphic, "Are you SERIOUS?!! How long has this been happening?:-O surprise "

"Since August and this is the 3rd time he has beat on me. Last night I was scared and almost called 911!"

I told her "..why the hell didn't you call 911?!!" and then preceded to say, "You should get the hell out of the house now and go back to China. CALL the police! Call immigration and report his ass!" As you know, I can rush things a bit without the full story, but felt for her. I felt her pain and distraught. This was a personal connection. A past CLM member who dreamed of finding love and moving to America only to meet a scumbag coward! This was FAMILY! I told her if she needed help, I would offer it.

I tried to get a bit more information and wanted to ask more, but she told me she would try to call me tomorrow. I continued to ask questions to try to get the full story, because it is possible that she was provoking this behavior by hitting on him first. These questions needed to be asked. Because I can see if a man is physically abused upon by a woman, it's possible he could lose it and wail on her even though it is wrong for anyone to strike another.

This scenario reminds me of the Rihanna and Chris Brown abuse scandal. I immediately chastised and cursed Chris Brown hurting the beautiful and talented singer, Rihanna. But then I was not in that car. Maybe she beat his ass in that car and he freaked out and retaliated to get away. I mean, she did have a bite mark on her! Think about it. Why would a man bite a woman?!! A man would have to be deathly scared, afraid or damn crazy to resort to biting a woman during a fight, right?! So there may be another side to the story.

I never got an answer to my question of if she provoked him violently because suddenly she logged out and was gone. I must say, I feared the worse for her at that moment. Why did she dropped so suddenly? Could her husband have discovered her chatting with me about his abuse and is beating her at this very moment? I did not know and said a little prayer hoping it wasn't so.

Most of you would just say, It's not your business, Bren. Keep out of it. Mind your business. My wife would say that usually, but maybe not so in the case. I mean society as a whole should care!!! Maybe I fall for bleeding heart stories or maybe I'm a damn fool who feels he should help a fellow CLM'er in need! I mean we are a family here, are we not? She was friendly enough to confide in me. Is it not a friend's duty to protect your friends? Care for your fellow man/woman. At the very least, offer some sort of help even if it is only concerning advice. I went to sleep that night thinking of her well-being.

She called me the following morning at work and told me what had been happening. They had a argument while being out to enjoy some family time together and he verbally cursed at her. She got upset and took her daughter and left the car. Her husband just drove off and never went back to search for her and her daughter. Many hours passed until she decided to walk home with her daughter through the snow. She walked the long road home and when she arrived to the house, her husband was sleeping upstairs without a care. Once he heard she was home he continued to be mean towards her. I don't want to get into details, but she eventually got upset showing her frustration (she never touched him), and he lunged at her, grabbing her by the hair, slamming her against the wall, beat on her, slammed her head on the computer desk as he punched her head. There are more details that I choose not to share, but you understand how bad it sounds. This guy is out of control and she told me his anger can explode over something petty and stupid as her not knowing where HE left something in the house. Sounds like he easily loses his cool and continuously uses verbal abuse towards her. Three times this behavior escalated into her being beaten upon by her husband.

I never forgot my question and I asked again, if she ever hit him to provoke these attacks. She stated that she only fought back when he was beating on her to defend herself. She screamed out loud the last time and her daughter heard this from the bedroom. Imagine how terrified her daughter must have been.

She is not sure what she should do now. Obviously, this guy is a fu*king scumbag who made her believe he was a nice guy. Now that she is stuck living in his house in a foreign country with no one to help her. She now realizes the kind of guy he truly is. These things happen even when you try your best to avoid them. This is why I stressed so much with everyone here to be CAREFUL!!!! TAKE the time to get to know each other as much as possible before you make such a commitment. Obviously, a physical abuser will not let it be known that he has a history of abuse and violence, but you may see hints, signs of something that you are not aware of. She hinted to me that this guy used bad words to her before she even moved there. I now recall me sharing with her to be careful and rethink about being with this guy before she moves there. She went anyway. This is why it is important to "know before you go"! Or more realistically, try to KNOW as much as possible BEFORE YOU GO to live with someone! Watch for signs, attitudes, ANYTHING! Just learn a lot about a new love interest before you commit! It's always lovey-dovy and romantic in the beginning.

As we talked, I asked her if he was remorseful after. Did he apologize. She replied, "No, he never apologizes" No remorse. I don't know what to think of an abuser that has no remorse for beating on a woman. So I told her again, "...you really need to get the hell out of there!" She went on to say, "one month after her moving to America her husband's anger and treatment was going in a bad way. He was calling her names like, "You are so f@#$%*!! stupid!" He was even harsh enough to share these comments with her daughter, "...because your mother is a dumb bitch!" What man would say that to a young girl about her mother?! Only the lowest of the damned LOW! Scum of the EARTH! She continued to inform me there are much worse things he said to her, but was not willing to repeat them.

She has not told any of her family or friends of this man's treatment. She did tell her husband's parents (in-laws) and all they did was shake their heads and not say anything. They said nothing and did nothing! It was upsetting to hear that this man's own parents would not talk with their son. At the very least, try to protect their daughter-in-law from physical abuse at their son's hands. If not for HER sake, maybe their son's sake so his ass does not get thrown in jail! I know my mother would KICK MY ASS if I put my hands on my wife in such a manner. My sister too. My mother scolds me if I even argue with my wife!:-S worried

She continued to tell me about the night before, when we were chatting online and the reason why she stopped the chat so abruptly. Her daughter saw the husband in another room with his laptop having the same screen as her mother's. Her daughter recognized my QQ photo on her husbands screen. She saw my FACE! So the husband was basically spying on his wife's computer. She immediately logged off our chat. He has a spying software linked to his wife's computer to see what she is doing. Do I care? No. So he knows everything I wrote to her. Me telling her to "GET OUT OF THE HOUSE and to CALL THE POLICE!" So he saw what I said and I do not care if he saw it. I am not worried, because NOW he knows if anything happens to her there is someone who has information about his actions. When she logged off the chat, he came out of the room and gave her an angry look not saying a word. Thank goodness he did not hit her again.

It's a bad situation and it looks like this may get worse. I am sad for her situation and I even offered her and her daughter a place to stay in my home if there is ever an emergency. Yet she is prepared and has money for flights back to China, if necessary. I warned her to get her Passports and Visa ready in a small bag prepared in case she ever has to leave the house in a hurry. She must in all cases protect herself and her daughter. I'm sure we all agree this is a tough situation for any wife to be in. Very frightening indeed. I told her if anything happens again to call the police. She needs to have a record of this abuse. I later got in touch with her and she claimed that everything is ok and she is not leaving. This is how an abuse cycle begins. And the abused can easily deny there is a problem. Did she really get beat upon or was it an basically overblown to make her save face?! Make him to be the bad guy and her the victim in such a brutal story. I can not tell you. We may never know... But this story is important enough to share for those that are EXPERIENCING this in their life! Maybe this can help them out of their own concerns.

Share your opinions, thoughts and comments...when you have a moment What she should or could do? My true concern is once someone is caught up in the perpetuation of spousal abuse they learn to forgive and protect the husband and act like it is a trivial matter. It creates a never ending cycle of violence that can last for life and/or till death!

Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
Comments
(Showing 1 to 10 of 25) 1 2 3 More...
#2012-02-26 12:05:30 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

It's sad that the reason for his return is such a tragic one, but just the same it's great to welcome Bren back to the blogs even if it is temporary. It's nice to see his so familiar face back in action.

I really want to first stress, as Bren already has, that we've only heard one side of the story here. As a retired lawyer who dealt with these types of problems extensively during my career I can tell you that there are two sides to every one of these stories, and until you've heard them both you do not know for certain what is true. So in this case we cannot be certain what is true. But for the sake of facing the subject head on, let's deal with it as if it's true for now. Let's have a discussion based on "If this happened what should we do?".

For openers we've been dreading the day when we heard our first suggestion of a "Success Story" gone bad. And no, I don't mean this is one of our few published success stories, as it is far more likely to be one of the hundreds that are not published. I mean we've never known until now how we'd confront this issue when it arose. Of course spousal abuse happens regardless of how the couple met, and is just as likely to occur in a marriage between two nationals of the same country who met in a bar as it is between two people from different cultures who met on the internet, right? Or is it? We're not sure.

But what is important is this occurrence happened between two members of our CLM/ALM community. Two members of YOUR community. And the question is what, if anything, can we all - owners, management, employees and members - do to try to help the participants get through it (or out of it) and to try to prevent it from happening again to other members.

It doesn't really matter how other dating sites or social networks deal with it. The fact is that just like the Scammer issue, they almost universally ignore it. We've chosen not to ignore that, and we don't feel it would be right to ignore this issue either. So please wade in and give your two cents - how can we as a responsible dating community address the issue of spousal abuse potentially becoming a serious problem between any two members. How can we help prevent it from happening?

#2012-02-26 15:32:23 by CRAEVA @CRAEVA

HI BREN....IM SO AMUSED OF UR STORY AND FIND IT SO INTERESTING ..WELL WE KNOW THERES NO BEATER IF WE DONT CONSENT SOMEONE TO HURT US...IM SO SAD OF THE PREDICAMENT OF UR FRIEND AND SO DISGUSTING.AND U DO A GREAT JOB AND UR ONE OF A KIND PERSON..I LIKE UR BLOG AND THIS IS EDUCATIONAL TOO SPECIALLY TO A LOT OF WOMEN THAT IS SEARCHING FOR SOMEONE TO GROW OLD WITH.I ATTENDED A SEMINAR OF THE GOVERNMENT HERE IN THE PHILIPPINES REGARDING ABUSE OF WOMEN AND CHILDREN.AND WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO ACCUSE ANYONE IF WE FIND OUT THAT HE IS AN ABUSER OF WOMEN AND CHILDS RIGHT,MAY IT PHYSICAL OR EMOTIONAL..SO THIS IS JUST AN EXAMPLE ...SO WE MUST BE WATCHFUL AND AWARE....GOD BLESS U MORE......EVE

#2012-02-26 17:28:59 by tanshui @tanshui

CLM cannot do anything to prevent it unless you require that members sign an agreement that you can get a police report on them. Most abusers have a history and often a record.

With regard to the woman she should contact a woman's shelter and she and her daughter should move there as quickly as possible. At least in Toronto that is a possibility and the shelter staff will help her report to the police and so forth as well as giving her and her daughter a place to live that is secure and cannot be accessed by the husband.

In Toronto there are special courts to deal with abusers. As well as special Toronto Police unit.

Unfortunately she may fall into the cycle that Bren describes.

#2012-02-27 04:43:15 by Kytrainer @Kytrainer

I can't see,or understand why a man should hit a woman. She is the weaker of the 2 sexes.I was raised that the man is her protecter! Not much of a man ,is he? I completely understand giving the benefit of the doubt to him,not knowing his side of the story,but things sound as he is hitting her. If he is,there is NO EXCUSE for it ! Here in Kentucky ,there is a case where a man killed his wife,she was from another country . It is sad that this goes on! So many foreign women take chances when they marry men from other countries,just to find some happiness. If it is true,I hope he gets what he deserves,which is to be put behind bars! That's where we put most animals! Right? I think it is a good idea to talk,about these things,it may help someone else stay out of a situation like that!

#2012-02-27 21:16:22 by chrisfr2 @chrisfr2

hello dear all.
since i am in china, i've visited philippines 3 times, and of course toke some informations about the country. I get in touch with a egyptian guy, married with a pinay, and owning a company for job outplacement.
he told me about the philippine's GREEN CARD CHEAT...
here how it works.

The nice pinay searchs for a date on internet, using CLM, ALM, DIA or other websites.
After she find the right guy (means "rich" in a filipino point of view), she starts the relation and will be exactly what the guy looks for. She will becomes the "perfect" wife. Then she of course get the fillancee visa, and marry in USA fast after.
Now she's going to wait 2 years, still be the "perfect" wife... After 2 years in USA, she has definitively the US nationality (can someone confirm ?)... Then she will immediately becomes lazy, waste money, search for troubles in the couple, and slowly push her husband to his limits. Each fights at home, she will search to be SEEN OR LISTEN the neighborns, the internet contacts, the police, the passants in the street... untill she finaly can be beated or hitted by her husband. She will then call 911 and ask for protection, arguing she's in danger, and taking as witnesses all the people who saw or listen to her. Then she will receive free lawyer help and will ask for divorce, of course with all evidences (even hit herself or stab herself and runs outside or in the building corridors), she will get divorce and asks for financial compensations. The husband will lose as so many witnessers saw ro listen to his numerous fights. He will have to sell the house and car, and share the bank account with her...
Then she is US citizen, protected by law, single again, the ex-husband can not approach anymore, and she will call in USA all the family, including her pinoy husband who was waiting peacefully untill she calls him.
And all the pinoy little family will get a jackpot, and a US citizen card.

now it's possible the woman in your story has been beated... But you can also replace filipina by chinese or thai, and read the story again....

#2012-02-27 23:12:34 by chenhelen @chenhelen

Hi, Breg, from yr telling of the story, i see that u r such a nice person, it's lucky for yr wife to find u. And i feel shock, scared and indignated to hear the story, feel sorry for yr friend. But it's really hard to get to know a person, especally "knowing" through the internet, right?

#2012-02-28 00:09:47 by CRAEVA @CRAEVA

well im glad some of u guys are really understand how to take care of women.and yes its too hard to understand why is it happening but for me it goes like this ..the women should be aware that first time ur husband hit u then u must think what to do and make a decision.coz if u dont take an action the beating will be repeated and he will treat u that way..its like if u let him do that its ur own fault also...and thanks bren for opening this topic here ..this will be an eye opener to all not only for ladies but for men also..god bless u more......eve

#2012-02-28 01:34:16 by lawnmowingboy @lawnmowingboy

I have no tolerance for SCUMBAG men like him ....... tell you friend to leave him ......He is a WEAK ARSEHOLE and does not deserve her !!!! .....and tell her to GET THE POLICE INVOLVED !!!

#2012-02-28 06:29:04 by geograph @geograph

i think Bren could not have done more and the advice he gave to this unfortunate woman was good and correct. the kind of abuse she has received is from someone who does not love her,it is vicious and cruel ,she should leave,and report him,even if she struck him at any time,he should never hit his wife. a wife is someone who needs to be cherished and feel secure with her husband , some jail time and jail justice might be deserved here,wife beaters rarely change their habits

#2012-02-28 14:05:15 by stevenstattooz @stevenstattooz

Hi there
I have seen more than a few women suffer at the hands of a cowardly scumbag who beats on women
I have caught one scumbag beating on his 9 month pregnant wife
punching her in the stomach repeatedly
I personally beat the crap out of him and called the police when i was done, they asked me what happened ? i told them he fell down the stairs, they smiled and gave me the thumbs up
She was back with him one week later, I agree, many women are afraid to leave and get used to the abuse, defending the guy and saying it was their own fault
She should open her eyes and leave him immediatly

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