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Barry from Australia is a questioning soul who looks at social issues from an alternative point of view and instead of asking, “Why?”, he asks “Why not?” He’s convinced that many of his previous incarnations were spent in China. He feels drawn to the people there; attracted by their rich culture and way of life. If given one wish from God, he’d reply, “I want everyone on Earth to be the same colour, speak the same language, and treat each other as they themselves would like to be treated.”
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Tips On Helping Men Chat to Chinese Ladies    

By Barry Pittman
4925 Views | 26 Comments | 2/9/2014 1:43:11 PM

It's true - some parrots are better conversationalists than some humans!

Lou-ann Brizendine, founder of the Women's Mood and Hormone Clinic, published a revealing piece in "The Female Brain" journal.  She stated that women spoke an average of around 20,000 words or more per day, nearly three times the grudging 7000 spoken by most taciturn men.



Some men speak more than this, of course.  There are exceptions to every rule.  We're talking about AVERAGES here.



Researchers in the USA have found that a protein in the brain might explain why women are more talkative than men.. The research team at the University of Maryland say a "language protein" that goes by the name of Foxp2 is a lot more prevalent in women's brains. They believe this is the reason why girls start speaking earlier and more adeptly than boys.



The above findings have particular significance for some nationalities, more so than for others.  For example, part of the national character of Australia is that their menfolk historically are known to be rather laconic, compared to the annoying garrulousness of some babbling Europeans (and to a lesser extent, Americans).



“Why use fifty words to say something, when it can be said in fifteen words?” is the national credo amongst most manly Aussie men, God bless them.



However  -  and isn’t there ALWAYS a however in life?  -  this presents personal difficulties when chatting online for people such as me.  Let me explain.



I'm currently talking on a daily basis to several lovely ladies, attempting to slowly zero in on my perfect match.  This is good in one way, but bad in another.  In reality, it in fact presents a perfect storm of difficulty for me.  A big trifecta of trouble as follows.  



1.  I’m a man (men as a rule, don’t particularly like idle chatter).



2.  I’m an Australian  (Aussie men IN PARTICULAR dislike boring, non-essential banter).



3.  Adding to the difficulty, I’m chatting to several people per day  -  a big effort!



This means that my daily quotient of 7000 words becomes dried up just part of the way through the conversation with the FIRST lady I talk to each day.  With another several to go.  Maybe a further thirty or forty thousand words will be required from me per  day  - for a courting period of weeks or maybe even months  -   aaarrrhhhhh!



To elaborate, currently at the end of most days, after patiently doing my duty of politely chatting to my female friends, my brain feels akin to a dried prune.   I feel languished and enervated, utterly devoid of uttering a half baked grunt, let alone another word.  I suspect that this continual talking over a long period is in fact shriveling my brain.  In another few months, I swear it’ll be the size of a dessicated pea.  By the time I finally get to see my foreign friends in a few weeks time, I'm wondering if all the words within me may have already been totally exhausted?  I've devised an emergency plan though.  Should the worst occur, I'll communicate via little cardboard signs.  Not the best nor most ideal way to  introduce yourself to someone you hope to  impress however!



So given all of this, an urgent solution must be found.  In desperation, I consulted my learned academic friend Rupert, who amazingly seems to know everything about everything.



Rupert”, I pleaded, “you gotta help me!”



I outlined my aggravating problem to him.  At once, he snapped back with the following. The far ranging scope of this man’s Einstein-like brain never ceased to amaze me.



“Now look here. I’m going to offer you some solutions to this dilemma of yours. Take your pick  - but don’t come whinging back to me if you choose the wrong one!”



“No worries, Rupert”, I pleaded, “Please tell me what you think.  I feel the speech centre of my mind is about to violently implode.  My brain will then resemble a large squashed tomato!”   The graphic if not downright disturbing imagery of this horrified me.



At this, Rupert took pity on me and ceremoniously cleared his throat.  He reminded me of Winston Churchill about to give his famous World War 2,  “We shall fight them on the beaches;  we shall fight them in the streets” speech.



“Solution one is to simply chat to each lady for a shorter time each day, say, thirty minutes or so each, rather than the current time of one hour or more.  If they want to talk further, simply tell them someone's knocking at your door, or you have to go and cook some food or whatever. Be firm and don't exceed your daily limit with each person.



“Solution two is to chat to each lady only every third or preferably, every fourth day for a longer time, say, for two hours per person.  Aim to talk to only one lady per day.  So if necessary, shorten your chat list to no more than four females.



”Why thank you, Rupert – these ideas are great!” I extolled happily. "I think I like your second suggestion better."   I suddenly felt more optimistic about things.  The heavy burden on my sagging shoulders was already lifting.  The welcoming light at the end of the dark tunnel of yearning desire was beaming brightly.



“Hold on, hold on – I’m not finished yet.  As good as the above solutions are, I personally prefer one of the following.



“Solution three is to hire someone to chat via online writing on your behalf, pretending that they are you. You could even hire a woman to do this, as women just LOVE to endlessly talk!  Your employee doesn't even have to be in the same place as you - simply tell him or her the time you talk to your Chinese friends each day and give this paid person your chat service log on details. If ever a webcam request is received from your prospective partner, just keep saying your current high-end camera malfunctioned and is being replaced under warranty.  This excuse could plausibly continue for months!



"Wow!", I remarked, "I never thought of that  -  hire someone who can write well, pretending they are me.  Make sure that they're an effusive chatterbox who can effortlessly speak for hours on end with plenty of eloquence and charm. It's not a bad idea. In fact, I like it a lot!"   Things just seemed to be getting better and better for me.  I felt great!



“But”, remarked Rupert, “my personal favorite solution to this very pressing problem is this.”   He sat down slowly and looked very serious.  My left eyebrow started twitching involuntarily and my bladder suddenly felt like bursting, a sure sign that something big was imminent.  I always annoyingly ended up feeling this way with Rupert, who like most extremely gifted intellectuals, unwittingly exuded a strange menacing, intimidatory air about themselves.



“You should hire a talking parrot.”



At this, my jaw dropped.  I couldn’t believe what he was surprisingly suggesting.  He had to be kidding, right?  I knew he wasn't though, for as genius as Rupert was, he was unfortunately devoid of any remote semblance of humour.



“Get your lady friends each session to use the “Audio” option of whatever internet message service you're using  -  making sure they don’t press the “Video” one by mistake.  In other words, no writing will be needed, just speech or talk.



“Then get the parrot to chat incessantly into the microphone for several hours every day to each lady.  Not only will the ladies LOVE this sudden great expansion in your disarming dialogue, but being Chinese with limited English ability,  the sweet souls won’t even discern what the parrot's babbling on about.  If the ladies ask about the change in your voice when the parrot talks, simply tell them you have a bad internet connection as well as a severe dose of flu and your nose is blocked up  -  easy as that!  Having accepted this, careful calculations tell me there's a ninety-nine per cent probability they'll have no idea that they’re not talking to you.  No offence meant, but you’re not the sharpest knife in the cutlery drawer, after all!



"I'm afraid, George"  (he always called me George, I never had the courage to tell him my name was actually Barry), "that like it or not, I'm sure a well trained, talking parrot would possess thinking abilities in the same ballpark as you.  And in terms of speech, it'd probably be BETTER than you, given your unfortunate impediment in this area."



“Oh my God!!, I shrieked to Rupert, “This parrot plan is absolutely BRILLIANT!



“I can just sit nearby drinking a cold beer, watching the sport on TV  - and let the clever bird do all the talking, all day if necessary.  How wonderful is that!”   I could hardly contain my excitement!  So much so that my bladder finally burst, embarrassingly releasing itself all over my new shoes and Rupert's plush pile carpet!  He wasn't glancing in my direction however, so with my foot, very deftly I moved a scatter rug onto the soiled area to cover the slowly spreading stain, admittedly feeling a bit guilty about this.



But who cared?  I was overjoyed.  This idea was not only a real win-win for me and the ladies, but I’m sure any well trained parrot would enjoy practising his incessant, inane banter for many hours every day as well.  My foreign friends would have no idea what was going on and I'm sure they'd happily join in, babbling away furiously as all good Chinese ladies love to do!  The idea was just so crazy and out of left field that it just might work!



Please dear readers, I have a serious request to make. 



Do ANY of you have a well trained, talking parrot that you’d like to sell to me?  I’ll make sure to pay you TOP DOLLAR for it - no questions asked!  



My preference though is that the bird please talk in ENGLISH ONLY and not be bilingual. And that it be a politely spoken bird, with no swear words.   I knew that Rupert's devilishly clever plan would come unstuck mighty quickly if the excited creature suddenly started dementedly chattering  in Chinese, especially if it started swearing!


Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
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(Showing 1 to 10 of 26) 1 2 3 More...
#2014-02-16 15:28:14 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

Barry, it really is not difficult to explain the difference in the number of words spoken by women each day as compared to men.

First, look at the conversations taking place between husbands and wives on a daily basis. For example:

Her: Have you gotten up off your sorry butt and taken that garbage out yet?

Him: Not yet.

Her: Do you think you could do it sometime today? It's really starting to stink the house up.

Him: The game's on. Maybe later.

Her: You've been sitting there watching sports on that damned TV for 8 hours now. How long is that game going to take?

Him: Shhhhh. I can't hear the TV.

WORD COUNT: Her - 57 Him - 13

Second, look at a normal conversation between two women compared to two men:

Her: I am just going crazy trying to get my husband to do anything other than watch television. I can't understand what has happened, before we were married he was so attentive and couldn't do enough. How on earth am I going to be able to keep living with him if I don't get him to change his behaviour. Really, I just don't know what I'm going to do.

Her friend: I know what you mean, I was going through the same thing with my husband, but then I read a terrific article in Cosmopolitan Magazine that really gave me a lot of great ideas on how to get my husband's behaviour completely under my control. It doesn't happen overnight, but if you follow their plan you'll start to see changes pretty quickly. Basically it is all about withholding sex and food, and only giving it to them when they're on their best behaviour, but always without them realizing that's what you're doing.

Her: Ooh, that sounds great. And I love Cosmo, I don't know how I missed that article. Can you lend me your copy?

WORD COUNT: Women - about 150

Him: Game's on. Grab a beer.

His friend: Sure, want one?

Him: Yeah.

His friend: What's the score?

Him: Shhhh. I can't hear the TV.

WORD COUNT - Men - 18

The bottom line is that women spend their entire lives discussing in great detail how to control us men. We spend our entire lives grunting about sport (or cars) and trying to avoid doing anything useful around the house.

BTW, since I'm no longer dating, I'd like to try that parrot out to take over my conversations in the home. If he could be trained to just say about 20 different words on my behalf, I wouldn't have to talk at all.

#2014-02-16 15:30:51 by pourquoipasamour @pourquoipasamour

@Barry You made me laugh and brought to my mind two men that were in the opposite sides of the coin. Lucius Sergius Catilina was a Roman senator (108-62 BC) that was born in an influential family but they saw their fortune decline, so he was not a rich man himself, certainly not a Crassus. He would talk non stop in the Senate to the point that the Senators would get sick and tired of his endless speeches. On the other side of the coin, the Americans had a President that was called "silent Harry" (it was not Harry Truman, I do not recall the full name of the guy). They say that he could go an entire day or two without saying a single word. There is a story that in a party in the White House he was approached by a lady that told him "Mr. President, I am with a group of ladies and I bet 100 dollars that I would be able to make you say 3 words". He replied "You lost".

#2014-02-16 15:33:53 by pourquoipasamour @pourquoipasamour

@ Barry Please also consider a Mynah bird. Their voice is more similar to the human voice. Very funny birds.

#2014-02-16 16:32:51 by pourquoipasamour @pourquoipasamour

@ Barry Sorry Barry, a correction, the name of the guy was Calvin Coolidge a.k.a. as "silent Cal", I made a confusion.

#2014-02-16 22:24:39 by Helenluo63 @Helenluo63

@ Barry Another interesting and impressive blog! If I had such a parrot(we Chinese call it Mynah bird), I would rather keep it for myself than sdell it to you. (rofl). It will surely be no less precious than panda someday!

It is true women are better at and enoy long conversations known for better developed left cerebral hemisphere and now maybe the higher level of Foxp2 in their brains. However, a woman would also feel as languished and enervated as you do if she talks to several men each day for a long period of time. As a lady, I think it would be better to take the second solution from Rupert. I think the ladies would understand you if you tell them your feelings and worries. And they need you to stay healthy for them.:)

#2014-02-17 10:18:55 by Barry1 @Barry1

@JohnAbbot
@pourquoipasamour

Thanks you for your good natured comments, gentlemen. I think you both fully grasp exactly what I was alluding to in this article.

I picked this difference in talk quantities between men and women pretty quickly in my life. Generally when the lady I was living with continually seemed to be chattering away on either the phone or the computer to her many female friends, all of whom similarly liked to gossip interminably. Whilst I was either watching TV or doing some other non-talk related activity.

From primaeval times, men were the hunters, defenders and providers for their families. Women were the mothers, the gatherers - and the social chatterers. So the differences between the sexes seem to be deeply based, probably with a genetic component.

It was funny also to hear the story about Calvin Coolidge. Somehow I think all the greatest Presidents were rather taciturn gentlemen who didn't speak idlely, but when they did, people stopped to take notice. Can you imagine Abraham Lincoln or George Washingston for example, being bantering chatterboxes? No, I didn't think so.

It's interesting also to hear the tip about the Mynah birds having a voice reminiscent of a human. If I can't find a good talking parrot, then indeed, a well trained, non-swearing Mynah bird it'll be!

#2014-02-17 13:34:07 by anonymous8940 @anonymous8940

Ha Ha - Funny article Barry, but Rupert overlooked the most significant flaw in his planning. At the end of it all, a very happy parrot will have a great relationship with a very happy lady, and you will be out of pocket for the parrot, parrot food and CLM Gold membership fees (rofl) (rofl) (rofl)

#2014-02-17 17:45:20 by pourquoipasamour @pourquoipasamour

@Barry, Your home country is simply beautiful and home of some of the most unique and exotic animals of the planet. I personally love the koalas. One of my dreams is one day have an authentic 'Crocodile Dundee" hat with REAL crocodile teeth, not fake ones. I know that Australia is also home of many birds and I don't know how many types of the parrot family you have. We have many in Brazil too, some talk, some don't and some are large birds with beautiful colours (please Google "arara") but they are more to be seem, they do not talk, (they are "show birds because of their beautiful colours). Our talking ones, pick up easily the names of the members of the family, laugh a lot, whistle, look like they are dancing, are happy birds, friendly. They come to our finger, shoulder etc. But for some reason that I could not understand, if someone goes by in the street and says a bad word or you have a neighbour that swears, they pick that up immediately. It can be embarrassing sometimes. They learn bad words faster than the nice ones and never forget. Maybe I am dreaming, but they seem to know that those words are insulting and fire them on someone they don't like. They play favourites too, even in the family they seem to like some members more than others. When I was growing up, my house was a zoo. I was raised among a dozen or more animals. I love animals, they don't care whether you are rich or poor, good looking or not,your racial group or your social status, their love is unconditional. The Mynah bird I am referring to is a small black bird, simply amazing. They can even reproduce almost human laughter, the siren of an ambulance or fire department, etc, amazing creatures.

#2014-02-18 00:53:21 by anonymous8946 @anonymous8946

@barry1. Barry Barry Barry... You forgot the best one... "Canned conversations with open ended questions". Use the same topic list for all three women and pepper with those questions like what do you think about or how would you.. The best one of course is What should I do... Ie, give her the option to give you advise and she will chatter on endlessly, enough to make your parrot take a leap from his perch to end it all.. Meanwhile you play a good video game or watch a movie w subtitles...

You can use the same topics with all of them.. Repeat the seeder questions...

I remember you said you run karaoke at a club. Try singing karaoke to her. Romantic songs sung over your video chat service of choice will leave her swooning and while there are in fact words coming out of your mouth, it's not really conversation so it wont count against your "maximum daily word allowance before your Australian man card is revoked" inverse quota. It eats up conversation clock and scores you solid points though.

Finally, culling your pool of conversation partners will definitely allow you to escape with less word issuance per day. If you really cant decide then they must be so close in the race that you could make a summary, command decision and cut one while still being confident the remainders are at least (almost) as good as the one who gets dropped. I suggest rolling a die of putting up pictures in a circle and throwing darts, blindfolded of course and you can have a friend stand next to the pictures to call out results or cry out in pain to let you know your aim is amiss.

And seriously, "Pal" try not to out me if I am posting anonymously. I may not mind you knowing who I am but just maybe I have a reason for not using my name... LOL.. Thanks for that.

#2014-02-18 07:37:35 by anonymous8947 @anonymous8947

Barry, great read! I am still laughing about it. I think women just waste their energy trying to control their men to the point where their man just tunes them out. Seriously, what guy really wants to listen to a blabbering fool and actually answer them? It gets in the way of the most important things in a man's life.....sports!

I read an article awhile back, not sure where I read it or who wrote it, but it really is something a lot of women could benefit by understanding. If I recollect it was something like " a woman falls in love with a man that has all the traits and qualities she seeks, marries him, then spends the rest of her marriage trying to change him into something she never fell in love with in the first place, henceforth making him extremely miserable and causing herself grief and heartache she would never have had if she had understood men in the first place!"

Most men just tune it out!

I mean seriously......

Keep the blogs and forum posts coming!!

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