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Global Theater of the Absurd    

By Ken Silver About Asia
2609 Views | 3 Comments | 9/29/2014 1:03:41 PM

I stood outside the Pattaya bar that for thirteen lucky, money making years had been called “Defeat Al Qaeda!” (Lonely guys on both sides welcome!)  The Rajah was watching sadly as the workmen carefully separated, then took down, from over the large front entrance doors, the section of neon which spelled out “Al Qaeda” in curving glass tubes.



They carefully packed and carted it away. Last year’s neon, needed no more!



I put my hand on my friends shoulder as the workmen unveiled the “ISIS” neon and carefully snapped it in place next to “Defeat”.  



“Don't fret, Rajah. This new sign will be good for another ten years and another two Presidential elections for sure, at least.”

At his signal, a pretty assistant snapped the on switch and “Defeat ISIS!” flashed neon red white and blue into the Thai night sky.

The Rajah sighed. “You know, I've been running American foreign policy out of this bar for the last twenty years and I ... did I tell you Ken, that President Obama called me yesterday to thank me for staying in budget?  It was my idea to transfer all of the emotional outrage from the image of the fall of the Two Towers into the image of the beheading of two American journalists. Two for two, and a heck of a lot cheaper!”

He knocked back a whiskey.

“Twenty year I've been running U. S. foreign policy out of this bar....”

Another pretty Thai woman came up to him.

“Mr. Rajah, now my words for your breaking news bulletin”, she said, handing him a sheet of paper.

He read the few sentences on it then shook his head.

“No, Pom, this won't do!  You're supposed to be a terrorist!  I cut off his dick because he no tip me for blow job just won't do!  It should read “I cut off the infidels’ dick because God is Great!”

He scribbled his revised breaking CNN news press release and sent her running off with it.

He threw back another whiskey, shaking his head.

“I tell you, Asian women...”

“Yeah”.

He knocked back another whiskey.

“You know, twenty years I've been running American foreign policy out of this bar and I still...say, did I also tell you Obama complemented me for getting “Islam” into the very name of our new enemy! A step forward in getting our message across.”

“Yeah, that is to the point all right.”

The Rajah pulled a cigarette and lit it.

“You know...twenty years I've been running American foreign policy out of this bar, and I still don't...”

A tough looking Thai soldier came up to the Rajah and saluted. He then handed him an important looking document, saluted again, and, clicking his heels, left.

“Our field instructions to the Iraqi Army and the good Syrian rebels. I quote - “Don't shoot those guys in white robes. However, be sure to shoot those guys in white robes.  And remember, either of those two groups may or may not shoot you because you are also wearing white robes”.

He threw back another whiskey.

“You know...twenty years I've been running American foreign policy out of this bar and I still don't know where the goddamned Middle East is”.

Welcome to the Theater of the Absurd, now playing globally.

 And, it plays full time in Southeast Asia now also, for sure.

Let me tell you, life in Asia sure isn't what it ought to be.

Cambodia, whose people dream of one day having a bowl of rice to call their own, where poor citizens are thrown off their land and told to resettle “somewhere far away and swampy”; has announced it is “so keen to join that family of countries that can provide genuine resettlement for refugees” that it is taking in 700 Indonesian refugees from the camps of Australia. Cambodia will get 35 million Australian dollars in return, which comes to $50,000 a head. Not included, air fare and special dietary meals on board. Australian Prime Minister Morrison (no relation to Jim Morrison, lead singer for the Doors), personally announced the deal.

Thailand suggests bikinis be worn only by old women, for personal safety of female tourists.

Malaysia has the death penalty for non-Muslims who use the word “Allah”.

Malaysia also serves ice cream with kidney beans.

I mean, really....

The only beacon of truth in the world these days is China, which stands steadfast in its words and true intentions as it asks world leaders “Look, do you want to make a truckload of money on this deal or not? Act now and we will throw in some beautiful Chinese girls!”

Oh, and Japan, rebuilding its nuclear reactors...

Well, even as the neon lights of American strategy flash on and off I predict that the real news story is going to be the Ebola plague spreading throughout the world. We can all look forward to adding blood to the various stains presently found in our underwear.

Gosh how gloomy!  Let me throw a happy spin into all this!

What do all we guys have to look forward to?

How about this joke I heard?

An old guy walks into a brothel by mistake. Its' full of beautiful Asian women. One comes up to him and says “Hey old timer! How about some super sex!”

The old guy looks at her and shouts happily “I'll have the soup!”

In Thailand the leading cause of accidental death, especially among gangsters and rich old tourist perverts, is falling off of a balcony. Was the Chinese sage Lao Tzu right on or not when he advised “A wise man dwells always on the bottom floor”?

Well, let’s cheer up and hope the global theater of the absurd never comes knocking on our front doors.

Like it isn't already....



 


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Comments
(Showing 1 to 3 of 3) 1
#2014-09-29 13:24:32 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

Hey Ken, not to lose track of the serious message behind this humourous article, but that soup sounds pretty good. Which brothel was that again?

I loved that joke, but that probably just tells you that I have become an "old guy" of late. I guess the fact that I laughed out loud loud at the Jim Morrison reference just confirms it.

I hate hearing of items like the Aussies paying $35 million to Cambodia to get rid of their own little political problem. You know that money is not going anywhere but into the secret bank accounts of the top dogs.

Ken, I get the strong feeling that there are some places you don't think are a good bet anymore in Asia. So maybe you could lay it out for us as to which places still are good for Expats to go visit for more than a week, and maybe even settle in for a reasonable length of time?

#2014-09-29 20:31:37 by Barry1 @Barry1

@twilightsmith

Bravo, Ken - I think this is one of your best articles.

It was full of both comedy as well as hidden (and some not so hidden) meanings. A terrific satire, if you will.

I hope my next article will be half as good as this one - well done, mate! (clap)

#2014-10-04 15:08:21 by RobertB @RobertB

Well written. I am sitting in Hong Kong coffee shop and this reading alleviates my boredom. The world is fighting is worst enemy -- yes, boredom.
Ebola virus? I think the Bible says this: "You will not know where you were struck from and you shall not know even the moment -- you will just appear in heaven".
So, we may well be afraid of some other virus or some other scourge.. Not to mention war with some race that is unknown at the time of writing.
Politics is about money. Business is about politics.

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