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Melcyan is a Water Dragon. He is also a retired Chemistry teacher and a lifelong learner. He met his Chinese partner for the first time in 2007 while ballroom dancing in Australia. Their relationship started in 2010 and they have been together ever since. His focus on CLM has been to learn more about the implications of his life-partner's culture and language for building a lifelong loving relationship.
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From Boy to Man    

By Melcyan
4144 Views | 42 Comments | 8/27/2016 10:48:45 PM

Father and Son - relationship building

I know a 53-year-old man who has failed with two marriages with women from China. It is unlikely that he will ever get a third opportunity. He is good at so many things, but not relationships with women. It looks like the relationship part of his brain still only works at the level of a 14-year-old. I also know men in their sixties and seventies who have the same problem with the relationship part of their brain.



I was 55 years old before I had a really good understanding of myself and my relationships with others. Why did it take so long? 



If I could go back in time, what advice would I give to a much younger me?



Advice to mini-me, 14-year-old melcyan



Don’t be in a hurry to be 21 years old. Many of the men around you are still boys in men’s bodies. They may grow tall and strong and have a good job but they still fail to become a man because they have not developed a positive relationship with themselves. Without a positive relationship with yourself, it is impossible to develop a genuinely loving relationship with a woman. There is no sadder sight than that of a 45, 55,  65 or even a 75-year-old man who still approaches relationships with the relationship headset of a 14-year-old teenager.



Your father is a good example of a boy in a man’s body. His mother and older sister always covered up his mistakes. Consequently, he never grew up. Rather than face his own weaknesses, he always tried to draw attention to the weaknesses of others. Unfortunately, many men, like your father, will be a boy trapped in a man’s body until the day they die. 



When you make a mistake, own it and learn from it.



Don’t be in a rush to get a girlfriend. To women, the sexiest male attributes in a man are confidence in yourself, knowing who you are and having a worthwhile ambition. Avoid matching up with a partner who is from a dysfunctional family. As you are also from a dysfunctional family such a match would greatly increase the risk of failure.



Feel compassion for the “bastards” of this world. They hate themselves more than you could ever hate them. Speaking of “hate”, hate of another person is a tell-tale signal that there is something wrong with how you see yourself. Forgive your father. The sooner you forgive him the better it will be for you.



Practise making better relationships with your family and friends. Relationships are remade every day. Your effort and hard work will be rewarded. Make a conscious decision to remake your relationships in a more positive way each day. This practice will eventually help you find a great relationship with a life partner.  



There are many good people in this world prepared to help you live a better life. Seek them out and don’t ignore the dying and the elderly – they know better than most about what truly matters in life. 



Be gentle and forgiving towards yourself. The way you treat others is a reflection of how you see yourself. One day your parents will be dead. Your first relationship will end. Your only relationship that will last a lifetime is the one you that have with yourself. Make it a good one.



The good news is that you will eventually succeed at creating a loving relationship with yourself and you will reap the amazing rewards of establishing such a relationship.


Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
Comments
(Showing 1 to 10 of 42) 1 2 3 4 5 More...
#2016-08-27 23:04:13 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot


This blog post by Melcyan is exceedingly important for anyone struggling to maintain a proper relationship with a spouse or life partner. He has written it as addressed to the men, but it could with little change apply to women too. I urge the Chinese ladies to also read it and think about it.

For the men, I strongly urge you to avoid reacting to this as just being touchy feely stuff that you have no need for because "you're a real man". If that is your reaction, or one similar, then you, more than anyone, need to heed Melcyan's advice.

Just ask yourself, how has your relationship life been going so far?  Is this you:

1. Several failed relationships you wish hadn't failed?

2. In your 40s, 50s, 60s (gulp) or 70s (OMG) and still desperately hoping to find your true love?

3. Online dating because no woman in your real world will stick with you?

If any of those apply then READ THIS CAREFULLY!

It just might change your world for the better.

Many thanks for taking the time Melcyan. Great guest post.


#2016-08-28 01:01:03 by QinQL @QinQL


@JohnAbbot,  Yes, it is good What you urge our chinese ladies here to read this blog post. It would also help me, a chinese woman to know man, especially western man more. At the same time both of man and woman who have been a couple should learn and grow up together, and to be more perfect for each.

@Melcyan, You bring us a great post again. It's midnight here. I am going to read it tomorrow and left my viewpoints here. 

#2016-08-28 13:23:24 by paulfox1 @paulfox1


@melcyan

Well written blog Sir, well done! It's impossible to give out relationship advice unless one has been in relationships and accepted where they went wrong. 'Don't be a dickhead' would probably be the advice I would give to my 14 year-old self, lol.

I remember back in a previous lifetime, my now ex-wife and I needed to undergo a kind of 'counselling' due to something that we particularly wanted to do.

I'll never forget the weekly visits from an old spinster who was supposed to be giving us advice on things she herself had never experienced. It was almost as if she was trying to convince us that what she had learned from text books and in classrooms, was far more pertinent to real life than actual experience!

That said, you make some very good points above, and they are obviously based on your own experiences.

For me, probably the best piece of advice that I could offer is perhaps the most difficult thing of all to actually implement, and it's this -

Don't become complacent!

I firmly believe that most relationships that fail, do so due to simple complacency.

OK, we should all know that all relationships require a certain amount of work to keep them moving along, but once you become complacent with each other, it's the beginning of the end.

Treat your partner with the utmost respect at all times, even when he/she doesn't appear to deserve it, and never, ever, get complacent.


#2016-08-28 14:59:13 by QinQL @QinQL

@Melcyan, 

So much things I have learnt from this blog. It could be the same as this topic "From girl to Woman". Thanks for keeping sharing with us. There are three chapters and 11 long sentences, especially the last two chapters and last eight sentences which full of wisdoms from experiences of our life. It looks like there are many stories and experiences followed by each of your wisdom words that you haven't written out for us. I do want to listen to it someday and I think it would help me to learn from you as well or even better. 

"There are many good people in this world prepared to help you live a better life. " ---- So true. That's why we all have a better life than some people, such as emperors who had never used any cellphones to travel through the world by internet and talked free on CLM with you and me 8)

#2016-08-29 02:08:15 by YinTingYu @YinTingYu

@ ALL !!

Hear Ye, Hear Ye!!

The court of Yin Ting Yu, via CLM, is now in session!!  All rise. The Honorable Gongji presides along with Sir Abbot, Sir Paul, and Lady Qin (multiple others as well).  Mel,... approach the tribunal and receive the honors we place upon you. We request one bended knee if, your joints can handle it.

It has come to Our attention, and high time as well, for you to be recognized publicly. We now place the sword of Truth, Integrity, Compassion, and Love upon your shoulders. Arise and accept your new but long deserved title: "Sir Melcayn The Wise".

Go forth and explore your life. Remember that we here on CLM welcome you with highest regards always!! Feel free to submit the occasional comment or blog as time allows.

All stand. Court is now adjourned !!

The Honorable,...Gongji

P.S. Great blog(clap)

#2016-08-29 12:08:04 by melcyan @melcyan

@QinQL Thank you for your encouraging comments. I love the way you show your support for others.
@JohnAbbot  The latter part of the blog certainly applies to both men and women. A male or female who fully exercises self- love, forgiveness, gratitude and empathy is definitely relationship ready.  However, I see the transition from child to adult as being much harder for a male to successfully negotiate than it is for a female and I believe that difficulty stems mostly from males trying to navigate too much by themselves.
@paulfox1 Thank you for your kind words. I do need to respond to your counsellor comment. We should choose our counsellors with the same (or even more) care than the care we use to choose our doctors. If we encounter an incompetent doctor we get rid of them and take extra care getting someone better. Same goes for counsellors. Also, a  counsellor does not need to have personal experience of serious relationship problems in order to be a good counsellor.

#2016-08-29 15:30:18 by paulfox1 @paulfox1


@melcyan

I don't want to say too much about it here for all to see, but whilst your assessment of counsellors per se may be correct, we didn't have the opportunity nor choice to select one of our own. Let's just say it was a legal, (but also happy), process that we were going through at the time.

#2016-08-30 10:33:47 by melcyan @melcyan

@YinTingYu

Gongji, thanks for the humour! I went to BrainyQuotes website for a quote to use in reply but I could not stop at one. 

A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool. William Shakespeare

From the errors of others, a wise man corrects his own. Publilius Syrus

The wise man doesn't give the right answers, he poses the right questions. Claude Levi-Strauss

The wise man does not lay up his own treasures. The more he gives to others, the more he has for his own. Lao Tzu

A wise man should have money in his head, but not in his heart. Jonathan Swift

He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has. Epictetus

The wise man reads both books and life itself. Lin Yutang

A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends. Baltasar Gracian

Make the wise man within you your living ideal. Karl G. Maese

 

#2016-08-31 18:58:54 by melcyan @melcyan

Here is a challenge for you!

 

After I finished writing this blog I looked for resources on the internet that could help men with manhood and relationship skills that would best supplement what I had written. After a few hours of searching, these 3 sites below were the best I could find. Please feel welcome to add to the list and give feedback on which of these resources you think would be of most use to a CLM man.

 

http://www.upworthy.com/something-fascinating-happened-after-these-male-baboons-died-men-should-keep-this-in-mind

 

http://www.laughteronlineuniversity.com/relationship-tips/

 

http://www.upworthy.com/an-instructor-telling-a-student-its-ok-to-cry-is-going-viral-for-all-the-right-reasons?c=click

#2016-08-31 20:56:14 by Anniehow @Anniehow

When it comes to dysfunctional families, the risk of involving in one is even higher in the Chinese culture. Marriage is a family issue and there are more attached strings and complicated relationships.



That being said, sometimes it might be impractical to expect matches to come from a "functional" family if major bases are covered. It is important that both parties realize the influence of their original family and make deliberate efforts to minimize it or detach from the family. After all, the nuclear family is of the ultimate importance and it is to the best interest of the whole family. However, that might be where the cultural conflicts arise.


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