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Gareth is an Australian who has lived in JiangSu, SuZhou (Heaven on Earth) for a few years - he is a keen observer of the Chinese people, Chinese culture and the changes that are occurring in China at break-neck speed. He can often be found on his a nightly 'perch' in front of his bar in the famous Bar Street in Suzhou, talking to the locals in his bad Mandarin, teaching the 'flower-selling girls' English, eating street food and smiling at the local chengguan (neighbourhood police). Gareth also has several other businesses in China around Business and English training. His experiences have been varied and interesting and his years in China have taught him to be wary of promises but excited about prospects, not a bad situation to be in!
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Exploding Poodles    

By Garreth Humphris
3070 Views | 1 Comments | 7/17/2012 2:35:12 PM

Everywhere I walk in my little town of Suzhou there are exploding poodles - I don't mean of an incendiary kind, more like every girl seems to have these miniature fleabags as a new fashion accessory, and I suspect, like most fashion items they will be relegated to the wardrobe or quickly handed onto mother when the responsibility kicks in.

I was sitting in my local Starbucks and realised that most of the handbags being slung over shoulders had small heads protruding from them and I also realised how much they actually looked like their owners; steely eyed, haughty face, snarling smile on curled lips, emancipated body, self-centred attitude, high-pitched drone of a voice, precious objects who whine and complain at the slightest inconvenience while inconveniencing the rest of the world with their triviality.

Case in point, One girl asked for a coffee mug, had it filled with water and then allowed Puddles to slurp from it...when confronted by the staff about using human drinking utensils for dogs (not to mention a dog in a restaurant) she sharply snatched, “I’ll pay for the damn cup, you ”, and promptly smashed it on the ground.
Enter Sir Poncelot, the (obviously, but hasn’t outed) gay boyfriend with immaculate hair, nails, stupid empty-frame eyeglasses and equally incomprehensible diaper-jodhpurs to her shrieking and sobbing how she had been victimized by the staff for letting Puddles have a little drink and how mean everyone was to her and the rat!
He promptly went to the counter, chose the smallest member of staff and screamed obscenities at her before opening his wallet and throwing 500rmb in her face. The coward, the croon and the rat evacuated - obviously made for each other in their impeccable post-90’s vulgarity.

Which brings me to what type of animal you might actually be like - I reckon I could stick to dogs for me - something like a Saint Bernard maybe - big and goofy most of the time, but in the snowy cold and dangerous conditions, big enough and strong enough to deliver alcohol to lost and frozen people!
It also gives me an excuse for being fat! Have to be warm in the snow! Relatively loyal and consistent, around in a crisis - able to tolerate children and other small animals, with a mild countenance and attitude. Will defend what is his and his master’s property, keeps an eye on sheep, wanders about mountain meadows looking at flowers! Yep, seems to be like a good description...built for comfort not speed. Not flighty like a greyhound, not as docile as a Golden Retriever, or angry as an Alsation. Certainly can't ponce like a poodle or is clever like a Terrier! Yep, a Saint Bernard is probably a good match.

Unfortunately all the girls I seem to date are different animals altogether!
One was a crocodile, complete with the tears! She would lie in wait, her eyes just showing and as soon as you got close, she would reach out and grab you in a deadly vice-like grip and do a few hundred death rolls until you had no more fight left in you!

Another, an exotic Persian cat, wide face and knowing smile. She always seemed to have the best place in the house; the sunniest windowsill, the most comfortable chair beside the fire. A mixture of elegance and stature along with guile and stealth. Sometimes warm and affectionate when she wanted something but strangely distant and cold the next moment, she would fire-eye glow and sleep with a gentle purr. But alas, a dog and a cat, while they can be on friendly terms, can never be life partners and she eventually disappeared back into the shadows from whence she came.

I am happy to say that I have not come across a snake but found a few chameleons! And I seem to have a recurring near-fatal attraction to scorpions!

So if we were characterize my ideal Chinese female, which animal form would it take...I assume that it would probably have to be a bit of an erotic optic - so the everyday dog, cat, chicken, cow analogy won’t work.
I think I appreciate loyalty, but an independant streak is good. Maybe those types of animals that travel great distances alone but also mate for life - returning to the same partner each year but being able to venture independently - something like a swan.
This would be interesting because they also seem to be elegant and do a lot of work underwater to keep themselves afloat - but they also have a particularly evil way about them when they get annoyed...so maybe this is not the best.
It couldn't be a peacock, all show and no substance.

Maybe the Panda, sure, cute and cuddly, a bit of a naughty ideal but, such fussy eaters!

So exotic looking, elegant, independant, loyal, free-willed, wild-running but dependable.
Dolphin - weird voice!
Llama - poor countenance but has another traditional Chinese habit down to great accuracy!

Haha, I think I’ve got it...Bush Baby! Based on the current trend of wearing those large goggle Jackie Onassis style glasses!

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#2012-08-18 00:59:20 by randyteacher @randyteacher

You pegged it!

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