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A writer for CLM Magazine and CLM Social Pages, Achelle is also an independent blogger, giving her two cents on personal and social issues from an educated Filipina's point of view, especially those relating to love and relationships. She has a knack for tackling issues from unique angles that are often left unexplored, posing questions that move and challenge readers to view a certain issue from a wholly different perspective. Achelle is happily engaged to her childhood sweetheart and is currently based in the Philippines. Achelle's writing is a delight to read and highly enlightening, entertaining and thought provoking. You're going to see lots of her on our Emagazine, Blogs, Social Pages and Hubs. Enjoy
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Does The Woman Make The Man? Why Chinese Women May Be Doing it Right!    

By Achelle Vinzon
4619 Views | 12 Comments | 8/28/2014 2:30:46 PM

Speaking from personal experience, it does seem to be one of the harshest realities of life that most men are nothing more than overgrown kids that need continued mothering.  There are, of course, exceptions and it would be safe to say that these exceptions had amazing mothers.  I do not mean to disparage the men on CLM.  My point is not to ridicule men; it is merely to attempt to explore if, in relationships, the woman does make the man.

 

A well-known saying goes, “Behind every successful man is a good woman.”  In “perfect” relationships, this saying would go both ways.  But in most cases, it really takes a good woman to make a man become a better version of himself, find the right path, and develop the right motivations to become successful. 

 

If a woman mollycoddles her man; avoids criticizing and correcting him because she does not want to hurt his ego; even if her intention is to always make him feel good about himself, ultimately, this type of treatment will only do more harm than good.  The man will have a false sense of greatness – a false sense of himself – and he will most likely not have any ambition because his woman insists that he is already perfect.

 

If a woman often criticizes her man; tells him that he should’ve done things differently and that he could’ve done things better; shows little to no appreciation of his hard work and achievements, big and small; and basically makes him feel like that he can’t do anything right, the man will start to believe that he is no good – a failure and not a man at all.  He will feel hopeless and small and, eventually, will lose all drive to strive for anything even moderately achievable, much less anything big. 

 

If a woman constantly supports her man, but also calls his attention to his flaws and bad choices; gives him the chance to make things right or better; helps him focus on the right priorities and nurtures in him the right mindset and emotional incentives, then the man can only become better.  He will feel happy and content – with himself, his relationship, and the woman that helps him become who he is.

 

All of these suggest that a man is nothing but soft putty in the hands of a woman; that how a man’s character is shaped is determined by his chosen partner.  When a man opens himself up to a woman, then, yes, he gives her enough room in which to maneuver and exert more influence in his life.  And a woman does not have to have a dominant character, nor a man to have a pliant and impressionable one, for her to have a great impact on how he sees and feels about himself; she only has to know the right buttons to push. 

 

These are just a few examples of how a woman does make the man.  These women’s intentions and motivations may be suspicious and selfish, or they may believe them to be harmless and even good – whatever the case, how they treat their man can significantly affect the kind of man he becomes. 

 

Even in the healthiest of relationships, such type of cause-and-effect often happens.  As Einstein states in his First Law of Motion: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.  For the Chinese, the concept is known as yin and yang.      

 

So if a man feels unhappy in a relationship he is in, it is very likely that he does not like the kind of person he is or has become because of the kind of woman that he has for a partner.  Of course, the opposite is just as true.  A man who is happy in his relationship loves not just his partner, but the kind of man that he is because of her. 

 

And if a woman feels unhappy in a relationship, and she believes it is because of the kind of man that she has for a partner, then it is very likely that it is her own fault. 

 

So, perhaps, Chinese women have been doing it right all along.  “Demanding” or “requiring” their ideal man to have the ability to provide them with a good life is, fundamentally, not a selfish and materialistic attitude; “nagging” their partner to work harder and to aim higher is not always about them being hard to please.  Of course, how they go about changing and molding their man’s character is also extremely important.  And the why is just as important as the how, and determines whether or not the relationship will last. 

 

But what about the role that men play in “making the woman”?  As I have mentioned in the beginning, this cause-and-effect goes both ways in “perfect” relationships, and indeed may also apply in the worst kinds of relationships, i.e. the abusive type.  After all, it is inevitable that you will be changed, in one form or another, when you let someone touch your life.  But I also mentioned the harsh reality of men being nothing more than overgrown kids. 

 

I believe this all boils down to the difference between what it means to be a “Man” and what it means to be a “Woman.”  Nowadays, a girl can grow up to become a strong-willed, independent, and intellectual woman, or she can be soft, needy, and emotional; either outcome, and anything in between, is considered acceptable and/or tolerable by society.  But a boy, well, he is expected, encouraged, and even pressured to become tough in every way, responsible, bold, a leader, and successful.  This has always been and continue to be the standards that they have to live up to, even in the most modern societies today. 

 

Traditional gender roles may have greatly evolved over the years, but “being a man” still essentially means the same.  Even modern women who are successful and self-sufficient want this kind of man for a partner.  This is the “ideal man.”  A weak, indecisive, passive, easy-going man is often a turn-off – this kind of man is not a man at all.  At least, this is the general view. 

 

Obviously, the “undesirable” type of man is one that needs mothering from his partner.  But the “ideal man,” when he lets a woman inside his Fortress of Manliness, he makes himself vulnerable to her influence and, whether consciously or otherwise, he allows himself to need nurturing.  He becomes more pliable and susceptible to change.  Ask any man – one that fits society’s definition of the word – who is happy in his relationship, from where he draws his strength and inspiration and he will tell you that it’s his woman.

 

I hope the women who read this also realize the real power they have in a relationship and, that if they want to be happy with their man, then they should be careful how they treat him and “mother” the child in him to make him the best man that he could possibly be.

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(Showing 1 to 10 of 12) 1 2 More...
#2014-08-28 14:41:18 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

Good blog, Achelle, it raises a question for me, and I'm serious when I ask it. This is addressed to the feminist in you, but I'd also like to hear what the other women members think, feminist or not.

If it is true that "behind every good man there's a good woman", and it's a generalization I wouldn't argue with, isn't it also likely true that "behind every bad man there's a bad woman"?

In either case I am not necessarily thinking about the man's spouse or lifemate, but rather his mother.

I'm quite interested in this for reasons that will become more apparent when I finally finish my current draft blog in response to Peter and yourself on the subject of Feminism.

#2014-08-28 18:10:22 by anonymous11573 @anonymous11573

“Behind every successful man is a good woman.”

that 'good woman's definition is a woman who believe in him, in his dreams and is his no.1 fan

Being a woman is a being feminine and Yin, and it means the source of inspiration to men

now i ask all women, can you be feminine? :D

reference:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Rst1DTg55Q

#2014-08-28 20:08:07 by zqy2014 @zqy2014

Good article, the woman does play a important role and is a strong bond in a family.So how she thinks,says and behaves will influence much on the family relationship.

#2014-08-29 00:08:12 by ocean58 @ocean58

Great article I hope every man and woman on the site read it. Many western men have commented on western women and the following that they often hear from them: "I love you, you are perfect, now change".

If they had read your article they would understand what to change really means.

#2014-08-29 07:00:52 by anonymous11579 @anonymous11579

Achelle, I am still laughing at this post...sorry. I just find it so incredibly funny!! Behind every good man is a good woman? Then judging from the amount of divorces worldwide and especially in China and the western world I would have to say there is not too many good women. Most women are selfish, egotistical creatures that need constant pampering and praise. It is amazing how many men work their asses off for many years to provide for their women and what do they get in return? A woman who will leave them if they don't make enough money....period.

This your first article of yours I have ever disagreed with. I feel that there is no woman behind a man, it is the man who supports and nourishes the woman. Women tend to be overgrown little girls when the pressure is on or they do not get their way.....As a man I say who the hell needs this????

Now if I could find a woman who stands beside her man, does not try to control him and try to change him into her version of what he should be then I would marry her in an instant...sadly women like this are few and far between....

My 2cents worth....

#2014-08-29 10:30:47 by AchelleVinzons @AchelleVinzons

@JohnAbbot

Hi John, I'm actually glad you asked that question. There are always exceptions, of course, but I do believe that the kind of men that boys grow up to be is mostly determined by how they were raised by their mothers and their relationship with their mothers. I believe this is especially true here in the Philippines and many other Asian countries where mothers and sons often have a very strong bond - and usually stronger than the bond between fathers and sons.

#2014-08-29 10:43:15 by AchelleVinzons @AchelleVinzons

@anonymous11573 Nowadays, it takes more courage for a woman to be traditionally feminine, doesn't it?

#2014-08-29 10:51:01 by AchelleVinzons @AchelleVinzons

@zqy2014 Hi Lily, especially in Asian families, do you agree? Here in my country, we have a saying that the father is the pillar of the home, but the mother is the light (or the guiding light). :)

#2014-08-29 10:56:04 by AchelleVinzons @AchelleVinzons

@ocean58, Thank you so much! Indeed, many modern/western women have the wrong idea about what it means to "change" their man.

#2014-08-29 16:27:48 by zqy2014 @zqy2014

@anonymous11579

True love means you would like to completely accept even appreciate who she/he is, allow him/her the largest freedom/space from bottom of heart and don't have any intendency or expectation to change her/him.However, I have to say this is the highest level of love in the world that most people are looking for and hope to achieve.A perfect person doesn't exisit. The more closer the relationship is, more requirements or expectation the person regularly has for the other side and the person insists the other side will be better in that way.Most of these persons really seldom thinks about or realizes how painful the other side will be if he/she can't be his/herself...

Basing on this, before official relationship & especial mariage, when you still potentially tend to or expect he/she can make some changes or adjustments for you in the later time, it shows you don't truely like or appreciate her/him and thus you should stop.Likewisely,when you have the same feeling from the other side,you really need think about how about the true feeling the other side has for you.True love or demanding love? Even if you could try to pursuade yourself to make compromise at one time, you hardly sucessfully accomplish that in the following all years..

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