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Born in the UK but now living in Australia, Paul Fox has travelled to many places throughout China. He has seen the lighter side, the darker side, both the gentle and the seedy sides. He documents his experiences and is willing to share them with anyone who wants to listen. He is not afraid to say things exactly how he sees them, and is quite happy to "name and shame" when necessary.
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Do you want my Sausage?    

By Paul Fox
3755 Views | 19 Comments | 4/9/2014 3:24:50 PM

Forgive me…….By now many of you must think I am some kind of ‘sexual pervert’ with my ramblings about the various ‘Types’ of women you can find on CLM and all the other ‘sexual connotations’ I have referred to in my somewhat ‘controversial blogs’



However, there is nothing further from the truth. Sex, in my opinion, is an important part of a healthy relationship and I firmly believe that if a man is ‘happy in the bedroom’ then he should have no need to seek solace in the arms of another woman and therefore should remain faithful to his wife or partner.



​Whilst the word ‘sausage’ can have a ‘sexual meaning’, in this case it is just meant to grab your attention so you will read this week’s drivel!



​No-one actually knows where the origin of the humble sausage began, but it now has more than 200 varieties that come with many different ingredients. (Since moving to Australia, I even saw a ‘Fish-Sausage’ – which I gave a huge berth to by the way!)



The English (or UK) make the perfect sausage (mostly with pork), but the Aussies on the other hand make the worst sausage I have ever tasted, (mostly with beef)



You can buy ‘Aussie Beef Sausages’ for less than $5.00 a kilo so to my mind it tells me they are about as healthy as a Big Mac, but they taste like crap despite the Australian “hunger” for them!



After living here for 14 years, I eventually found the Australian ‘perfect sausage’



Made by an Irish butcher to an old Irish recipe, they are a reminder of home and are just as delicious cooked in the pan as they are grilled or baked in the oven



He sells over 1000 kilos per WEEK!



My Shanghai GF and I often discuss the differences between Chinese and Western food (in general) and quite frankly I keep telling her that as she has NEVER been to a western country, she has NEVER tasted PROPER western food!



I still challenge ANY ‘Western restaurant’ in China to satiate my appetite for a good western meal and despite going to many over the years, I give them all a wide berth now because they are all crap!



Sweeping statement perhaps, but when I see a Chinese chef doing his best to cook western food, then I run a mile!



With good intent, a Chinese friend of mine took me to a western restaurant in Suqian (just outside Shanghai) a couple of years ago



He ordered for me and it was steak with (wait for it…….) COFFEE SAUCE!



Thank god I have a habit of ordering my sauce ‘on-the-side’ (just in case even a nice mushroom or peppercorn sauce is so terrible that it makes the steak in-edible), but come on guys…. Coffee Sauce????



Are these guys so stupid to think that the western man’s love of coffee is enough to have it plastered all over his T-Bone?



So back to the humble sausage…..



So delighted am I with this Irish delicacy that I decided to take half-a-kilo with me to China in an attempt to convince my dearly beloved that it was indeed a mouth-watering morsel to tempt her taste buds.



She booked a hotel with a ‘kitchen’ so that I was able to make her a good old ‘British’, sausage-and-egg sandwich.



Oh, you fool…… did you not realize that the so-called ‘kitchen’ was nothing more than a hot-plate for a wok? Did you not know that the setting had a minimum of 200 degrees C?



Needless to say that the sausages were burnt on the outside, very quickly, whilst still frozen in the middle and I scored no ‘Brownie-Points’ whatsoever



In fact, it did absolutely NOTHING to convince her that western food was even worth trying!



One year later we still laugh about it, but on my last trip I managed to make her some sausage rolls (using the same sausages) before I left for the airport. This was my total redemption as she loved them immensely and now I am on my way to convincing her that some simple western food can be pretty tasty.



I love the kitchen. I love food and I love to cook food. What’s more, I love to ‘experiment’ with food. Since me and the ex-wife split up more than a year ago, my Saturday nights are quite sad as I spend most of them with one eye on the TV and one eye on the cooker



My Ex is a good cook, but for 25 years or more, I did most of the cooking in our house simply because I love it and she hates it



Don’t get me wrong, she could knock up a lovely bit of roast beef with Yorkshire pudding and some knockout ‘Scotch Eggs’, but she was never adventurous in the kitchen – unlike myself!



Mashed Potato (for example) is something you have with a roast dinner – I, on the other hand, like to add some cheese and butter and leave it to cool in the fridge overnight. Next day, form it into patties, roll it in flour, egg and breadcrumbs and drop it in the pan to serve with some bacon and eggs for breakfast – AWESOME!



Such is my love for simple western foods I decided to write a cook-book called ‘An Idiot in the Kitchen’



I am not a trained chef, nor a trained cook, but I have learned how to cook simple and delicious food since I was a kid. My daughter (with my teaching) could cook a perfect roast dinner by the time she was 13



By now you must be wondering what the hell I am doing writing a blog about this? – Simple……



In my experience many Chinese women have no idea HOW to present a nice western dish in front of the western man they hope to marry



It’s often the case that she may say something like “I’ll teach you to cook Chinese food if you teach me to cook western food”



The sad thing is that many western men have no idea where the kitchen is, let alone how to use one – so are they destined to eat Chinese food for the rest of their lives?



My fellow blogger, poor old Gareth Humphries (Aussieghump) has lived in China for many years and eats Chinese food daily. I bet he would give his right arm for a good old-fashioned western dinner?



Again, my experiences have shown me that many Chinese women would LOVE to be able to cook their man a nice western meal – if they only knew how to!



So before I start submitting boring recipes of simple, but delicious (and easy-to-make) western food that can help western guys find the kitchen and Chinese women feel comfortable, I have only ONE question……



Most, if not ALL western kitchens have an OVEN (where 90% of traditional western food is cooked)



Do we assume that most Chinese homes have a cook-top only (to satisfy the wok), or are ovens as prevalent in Chinese homes as they are in western houses?



‘er indoors has got one so she can cook whatever I ask her to try, but is she an exception to the rule or do most Chinese homes have one?



I am writing this at 10pm on a Saturday night and I started knocking-up some simple food around 8pm. 2 hours to cook 3 delicious dishes that required little or no effort that any ‘idiot in the kitchen’ could master in seconds – and they will last me all week!



Jamie Oliver? – I taught him everything he knows – lol!


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Comments
(Showing 1 to 10 of 19) 1 2 More...
#2014-04-09 22:39:17 by twhite725 @twhite725

Paul, good article but gross negligence to write so much about cross-cultural misunderstandings in general and cooking/food in particular mentioning sausage without telling the joke about hot dogs! You must know it... the punch line is "what part of the dog did you get?"

#2014-04-10 16:03:09 by carrieyang @carrieyang

Good article. I like both Chinese food and western food. I would love to learn how to cook western meals if my someone special needs me to.

#2014-04-10 18:44:07 by Grace172 @Grace172

Paul, I know you don't like the Chinese "western food" Just like we do not like the western "Chinese food." But As I know there are some real western restaurants are run by the westerners in Guangzhou and Hongkong. Their chefs are from their countries. So I think there are some real western restaurants in Shanghai too, as it is a big city. So you may ask you Shanghai GF (not your other cities' GFs(giggle) ) to find them out or you may find them out through the internet.

#2014-04-10 19:52:02 by paulfox1 @paulfox1

@twhite725
So I am guilty of gross negligence for not writing the hot-dog joke - right?You got me there buddy - I assume it's an American joke because I have never heard of it in Limey-land or Aussieland (unless I am missing something)
Please feel free to enlighten us at your leisure

#2014-04-11 14:13:00 by Barry1 @Barry1

@paulfox1

"You can buy ‘Aussie Beef Sausages’ for less than $5.00 a kilo.....but they taste like crap"

Yes Paul - you're right.

Aussie sausages are terrible UNLESS they are SMOTHERED in a high quality, flavoursome tomato sauce. This then makes them edible. :)

In fact, the Aussie slang for sausages here is "mystery bags". Because they contain bits of this and bits of that - different ingredients from every different supplier. And no one in the country can ever know for sure what they're eating! (giggle)

You also said,

"I love the kitchen. I love food and I love to cook food."

This is a big point of difference to me, Paul. I like nice food of course, but I eat very simply. A slice of whole grain bread with two eggs, two tomatoes - then heat it in the microwave, then add a little tomato sauce for good measure. Then have a cup of mixed seeds and nuts, plus a few thawed out frozen veges.

This is my staple diet nearly EVERY night of the year. And you know what? It's an evening meal I NEVER tire of, despite having it day in and day out, month after month.

I thus do not need a stove, just a microwave. The new cooktop stove I bought here when I remodelled the kitchen a couple of years ago has NEVER been used.

You might notice there's a lack of meat in my diet? You're right - I'm vegetarian.

Yet I must be doing something right. At age 59, I'm about the fittest I've ever been in my life, due to strenuous daily exercise on my treadmill. I have low blood pressure; a low pulse rate; and my body weight is similar to what I weighed at age 25.

I don't even bother going to the grocery stores any more. I simply order everything online and all my food is home delivered to my door. They even carry it into my kitchen for me!

I have some mango trees and passionfruit vines in my back yard that yield organic fruit each season. All in all, I consider myself a very lucky person, especially more so now that I've made some great friends such as yourself, Paul - plus of course, some lovely ladies through this website.

#2014-04-11 20:45:50 by sandy339 @sandy339

an Irish butcher to an old Irish recipe? Do you have the recipe or I have a brillant idea, maybe you and your GF could sell them at www.taobao.com so everyone interested could buy them and you also could make some profit? haha
Are ovens as prevalent in Chinese homes as they are in western houses? I am not so sure but most of my big family and freinds have, but not all. It is very easy to get one, the only problem is how often they use it in cooking. I use it almost everyday.

Xixi you want to share some idiot recipes? Cool...thanks :) I will try it.

#2014-04-12 11:16:50 by twhite725 @twhite725

American?! In fact a Canadian joke but I will give the Chinese version. Two young Chinese women visiting Toronto went to a baseball game. It was all new to them except when they saw out hot dogs, get your hot dogs. Is it something to eat in Canada too? Of course! Let's try them. They buy one each and unwrap the hot dogs. Gasp! Giggle! One girl says to the other, what part of the dog did you get?

#2014-04-14 22:29:21 by lovethisworld99 @lovethisworld99

Hi Paul,

very wonderful blog! am sure most of western guy r lazy , they don't know how to cook. B4,but now, more and more people would like to learn how to cook, also, most tradtional western food r unheathy, if u found yr true love in China, it means u like chinese culture, u will love chinese food in future, u will find the taste is good, health, just try, then will love it

good luck Cherry^_^

#2014-04-15 21:26:06 by paulfox1 @paulfox1

@barry1
You said - Aussie sausages are terrible UNLESS they are SMOTHERED in a high quality, flavoursome tomato sauce. This then makes them edible
I agree. Aussie snags have no taste at all. Growing up in the UK I was introduced to many varieties of delicious sausages, mostly pork sausages or a mixture of pork and beef. Beef sausages are generally not sold in the UK - nobody buys them because they are totally tasteless
If you find a GOOD sausage then try them in a bread roll smothered with melted cheese - sounds awful, but you will THANK ME! (Oh, but you're a veggie, I forgot!)

@sandy339 - you said -
Do you have the recipe or I have a brillant idea, maybe you and your GF could sell them at www.taobao.com so everyone interested could buy them and you also could make some profit?
Of course I do not have the recipe for making them, but I do have some delicious recipes for COOKING them!
Selling them on TB is a wonderful idea - do you really think Chinese people would buy them?

@lovethisworld99 - you said -

if u found yr true love in China, it means u like chinese culture, u will love chinese food in future

Yes, I love Chinese culture and I love Chinese food - however, I am not sure that I want to eat Chinese food every day for the rest of my life
But that said, if I am together with a Chinese woman, then surely she would want to TRY some delicious western foods also - right ?

To all you lovely Chinese women here (and any guys who don't know where the kitchen is), if you really WANT to learn how to cook some simple yet delicious western food then please say so here. I will happily post some simple, tasty, easy-to-cook western recipes to try
Happy cooking!

#2014-04-17 13:19:28 by dancingshoes @dancingshoes

“…add some cheese and butter to the mashed potato, and leave it to cool in the fridge overnight. Next day, form it into patties, roll it in flour, egg and breadcrumbs and drop it in the pan to serve with some bacon and eggs for breakfast…”

I have to highlight this! It sounds you have an innate taste of cooking .

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