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Born and raised in Maryland, USA, and attended the University of Maryland, but now living in Pennsylvania, RTByrum is an author and publisher of 9 books but does not make a living at it. His places traveled include Britain and China. His past marriage was to a Chinese woman for 3 years. He since claims to have found the secret to happiness and hopes to share that happiness with someone special, and through his blogs, perhaps also with you.
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Dating Chinese Women: The Whirlwind Romance

By RWByrum
473 Views | 16 Comments | 4/10/2018 12:24:57 PM

Cover of Chinese Marriage Document

            Since Melcyan and, I suspect, others as well, were interested in reading about how I met my ex-wife, I decided to make that the subject of my next blog entry.  At the beginning of 2009, I had spent the last nine months dating online.  During that time, I was using E-Harmony and was not specifically looking for East Asian women.  I found the experience rather disappointing.  I was surprised at how few of my "highly compatible" matches were interesting to me and how few of them were interested in me.

            When I had signed up for E-Harmony in April of 2008, I had signed up for an entire year.  At that time, the membership cost about $20 a month.  You could sign up for shorter periods but the monthly cost was significantly higher.  Besides, Dr. Neil Clark Warren, the founder of E-Harmony, recommended using the site for at least a year.  CLM members might be interested to know that Dr. Warren's advice concerning online dating pretty much echoed the advice given by John Abbot.

            By January of 2009, I was sufficiently disenchanted with E-Harmony to try my luck with other dating sites.  I had also come to the realization that what I was really looking for was a Chinese woman rather than a Western one.  There were some Chinese women on E-Harmony.  I was even matched with one living in Beijing.  It was being matched to a woman from Beijing that made me decide to join a niche dating site that catered to serving Chinese women interested in dating foreigners.

            I had no idea where to look.  So, I did what most people do nowadays.  I performed a Google search for "Chinese Dating Sites".  The results were pretty interesting.  Most of the listed sites were Chinese matchmaker sites.  They all looked rather disreputable to me, so I didn't bother with any of them.  I'm not sure if CLM existed yet but it was not included in my choices.  Perhaps it just didn't have enough of a web presence yet to make it into the search results.  Anyway, the best choice among the ones presented to me was Cupid Media's Chinese Love Links.  Now the site is called China Love Cupid.

            I checked out some online reviews of Chinese Love Links and even checked with the Better Business Bureau before I joined the site.  Back then, you could actually look at the members profile pictures before signing up as a member.  You couldn't actually look at the profiles, just view the primary profile pictures.  Now, you have to sign up before they give you any access at all.  Anyway, I looked over a large number of profile pictures before deciding whether or not I wanted to actually join the site.

            One woman in particular really caught my eye.  She was a 26-year-old woman from Chengdu.  I kept wanting to go back and look at her picture, an experience I did not have with any of the others.  I was smitten enough with that woman that I not only joined Chinese Love Links but also paid for a gold membership so that I could contact her.  Interestingly enough, I did not muster the courage to actually send that first message until the day after I had joined.

            I wasn't particularly optimistic about my chances of success.  She was 26 and I was 43 which made me three years beyond the age range listed in her profile.  But she replied to my message soon after I sent it.  Her reply was highly favorable and she reassured me that she did not consider me too old for her.  She admitted that the age range had been arbitrarily selected anyway.

            At first, we communicated exclusively through Chinese Love Links.  It remained our primary medium of communication until the middle of May.  During this time, love blossomed between us.  As my dating strategy has almost always been to contact prospective matches one at a time, I never contacted anyone else on Chinese Love Links while I was communicating with the woman who would eventually become my wife.

            Admittedly, this was far from the most efficient method but in this case, it was highly effective, especially since the woman I was communicating with did not want me talking to other women.  One time I mentioned in passing that another woman had contacted me,  my CLL match immediately became jealous.  She made it quite clear that she wanted me to herself.

            Near the end of February, we exchanged e-mail addresses.  At first, my CLL match only used e-mail to send pictures of herself to me.  But by the middle of May, e-mail had replaced CLL's messaging system as our primary means of communication.  Obviously, e-mail lacked enough intimacy and my CLL match asked me to sign up for Skype in the middle of June.  Naturally, I complied with her request and Skype became our preferred communication medium.

            With Skype, I was not only able to exchange messages with my CLL match but I was also able to call her and speak with her over the telephone.  I was even able to engage her in video chats but we only did so once.  Apparently, she did not like the way she looked on a webcam.  Our communications grew increasingly affectionate and romantic as time went by.  When I printed all of the messages we had exchanged from January 2009 until October 2010, they filled over a thousand pages.

            My CLL match wanted to meet me in person, accordingly, I requested a week off from work so that I could visit China.  Obviously, certain preparations had to be made first, most notably, I had to obtain a Chinese visa.  After all was said and done, I had made all of the necessary arrangements to spend a week in Chengdu from the end of the November to the beginning of December.  My CLL match was satisfied with this even though she was a bit disappointed that I would only be in China for one week.

            One week proved to be long enough.  My CLL match was determined to be married before the end of the year.  This determination was due to a number of factors, the principal ones being the pressure her parents were putting upon her to get married and her own desire to be married before her 27th birthday which fell in January of 2010.  She had even consulted an astrologer who assured her that she would indeed be married before the end of 2009.

            On December 3, 2009, we went to the offices of the Ministry of Civil Affairs to register as a married couple.  In order to be married in China, it is necessary to prove that you are, in fact, free to marry.  I had done some research online which produced a series of hoops that I believed that I needed to complete in order to obtain this proof.  These hoops included going to a notary public and swearing that I was single and sending the notarized statement to the Secretary of State for the State of Maryland to obtain official certification that I was single.  When I was in China, I learned that all I really needed to do was swear before a consular officer that I had never been married.  Once I did that, the consulate provided me with a document in Chinese stating that I was free to marry.  Fortunately, there was a consulate in Chengdu where I could get this done.

            Unlike the United States and most Western countries, the People's Republic of China did not require solemnization of a marriage for it to have legal force.  My wife and I did fully intend to have a wedding ceremony performed in China but we never actually got around to it.  According to Chinese custom, it was unlucky for a couple to get married within three years of the death of either parent of either spouse and my mother had died in September of 2008.  Thus, we were going to wait until after September of 2011 to have the ceremony performed.  As fate would have it, we never went through with the marriage ceremony.

Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
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(Showing 1 to 10 of 16) 1 2 More...
#2018-04-10 12:24:38 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

Roger, I apologize for the delay in posting this, and also to other bloggers who have blog posts in the works. Both of the humans in our home, and even one of the cats, have been struck down with a virus of sorts. Presumably the cat's virus is not the same as we humans. Otherwise, be warned, there may be a pandemic developing here. 

For the same reason I am not making a detailed comment now, but will be eventually, given your naming of our competitors in the blog, as well as the nature of your rushed marriage, which I think calls for a detailed comment.

I might add that I have also not responded to some other members' comments on other blog posts, which are addressed to me and which clearly demand and will receive responses when I am up to it.

#2018-04-10 16:40:11 by melcyan @melcyan

@RWByrum

Thanks for posting this blog. The first thing I want to comment on is finding CLM on the internet  I have recently added DuckDuckGo extension to Google Chrome.  Today I used the search "Chinese dating sites" and I found CLM listed as the 9th and 20th entries.

 

I repeated this task using Google Chrome without the DuckDuckGo extension. The twentieth entry was the same on both -  "Safe Online Chinese Dating for Foreign Men". However, the entry "Chinese Dating With Women of China" which was the 9th entry on DuckDuckGo did not appear until the 27th position on Google Chrome.

 

My son suggested I use DuckDuckGo when I told him that I did not want companies like Google and Facebook tracking me and selling my information. It helps you avoid unwanted advertising and escape the filter bubble. Furthermore, from my search results, it gives CLM a higher profile.

#2018-04-10 21:09:30 by RWByrum @RWByrum


@JohnAbbot

Sorry to hear that you are sick, John.  Hopefully you will recover from it soon.

#2018-04-11 10:34:38 by RWByrum @RWByrum


@melcyan

You're welcome.  I wonder what would have happened if I had found CLM nine years ago.  Perhaps I would be happily married now, or perhaps I would be dead.

#2018-04-11 17:28:28 by melcyan @melcyan

@RWByrum

I was hoping that the things that caused me concern in your previous blog series “My (Almost) Perfect Match” were just an aberration. I was hoping your infatuation with a photo was a one-off. Now this story feels like deja vu. I once wrote a thread on the different types of western men that Chinese women encounter. If I wrote it now I would have to add another category – Mr.Photo-fixated. When Mr. Photo-fixated meets little miss “ I must be married before my 27th birthday” then the outcome of a short-lived marriage is almost inevitable. If your goal is a life-long loving relationship then you are going about achieving it the wrong way.

 

Nearly all relationships that fail have the seeds of failure present at the very beginning. Your Achilles heel is your photo fixation. It prevents you from building a proper relationship foundation at the very beginning. At the risk of being accused of laziness, I am going to repeat a quote of a great Canadian philosopher and my response to it.

 

-"My way of thinking is that when we're trying to meet a person who is a good match for ourselves, we owe it to them and to ourselves to keep all communication as open and revealing of our thoughts and feelings as we can, in order to get to know the real them, and allow them to get to know the real us." John Abbot

 

John’s words apply to all initial relationship building and not just online dating. However, online dating provides unique advantages that many foolishly choose to forfeit.

 

With online dating, you have the power to act very differently in the way that you acted in your previous face to face dating. You have the power to put a lid on fantasy thought. You have the power to use immense honesty right from the start. You have the power to question your own thinking as well and the thinking of the other, without looking indecisive – you are just exercising your right to fully utilize your current online mode of communication.

 

Another mistake made with online dating is thinking that you have more time than other forms of dating. Your time is just as precious as it is with other forms of dating. Don’t waste it. Use it to get to know another ( and yourself) in the shortest time possible. (Expand your “vision” by attempting to see the world through the everyday eyes of others)

 

Always distinguish between love and fantasy. Love is not possible before you meet face to face. Learning about yourself and another is a necessity, not an option. End big mismatch encounters quickly. You must learn and build with every online encounter that you make. Encounters may vary from minutes to months. Regardless of whether it is minutes or months, you must always be learning.

 

Some say all this learning is a waste of time if, when you finally meet, there is no spark. Rubbish! The “no spark” outcome has to be accepted as a possibility for every online encounter. However, if you forfeit your online opportunities to honestly communicate in depth before you meet then you are a fool. Time spent with honest learning about others (even the unsuitable) and yourself (even the parts you currently dislike or an Achilles’ heel) is never wasted.

 

#2018-04-15 01:24:45 by RWByrum @RWByrum


@melcyan

I was going to write a very long-winded response, but I only really need to make two observations.  1) No matter how many times I read this comment I just can't escape from the impression to it is condescending and judgmental.  2) The words, "observational bias" spring to mind every time I read it.

#2018-04-15 21:48:23 by paulfox1 @paulfox1


@RWByrum

CLL gave me my first 'taste' of Chinese women. Depending on what one is 'looking for', the 'taste' that I mentioned is not what we all want.

If you look back at my blogs over the last 3 or 4 years, you'll see that I had a somewhat 95% 'success-rate' when it came to 'bedding' women I met on CLL.

What I failed to realise was that they were all divorcees and they all, literally, craved sex - especially with a Westerner, (allegedly we have a larger penis than our Chinese counterparts. This 'fact' can be borne out when buying Chinese condoms that don't fit even 'Mr Average', like me)

I screwed my way round China for a long time - and enjoyed it.....BUT.....

One day, a pretty Chinese girl said the following words to me; "I'd better give you good sex or you'll leave me".

It suddenly became clear to me that Chinese women firmly beLIEve that a man cares about nothing else than how 'good' his partner is in the bedroom.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have been 'started-on' more times than I care to remember. In fact, I don't remember EVER making a 'pass' at a Chinese woman, yet I've 'slept' with more than I can count.

Am I bragging?......NO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My experience with women from CLL is that they are 'desperate'.

They are so desperate to find a husband that they'll essentially f*ck your brains out until you marry them. (I could tell you stories here that'd make your brain explode, but John probably wouldn't publish them).

So if you were to ask me if I'm PROUD of my 'achievements', I would say a resounding NO !

Yet it was a HUGE 'learning-curve' for me.

It proved to me, beyond ANY doubt, that there are Western men out there who would happily marry a Chinese woman based on her skills under the covers, and nothing else.

Sad, but true.....

#2018-04-15 22:23:54 by paulfox1 @paulfox1


@JohnAbbot

Sorry to hear you're ill.......

Flu, perhaps ?

Get the 'jab', John, it only kills millions......

Wiki said,

Abyssal plain

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Diagrammatic cross-section of an oceanic basin, showing the relationship of the abyssal plain to a continental rise and an oceanic trench

An Abyssal plain is an underwater plain on the deep ocean floor, usually found at depths between 3,000 metres (9,800 ft) and 6,000 metres (20,000 ft). Lying generally between the foot of a continental rise and a mid-ocean ridge, abyssal plains cover more than 50% of the Earth’s surface.[1][2] They are among the flattest, smoothest and least explored regions on Earth.[3] Abyssal plains are key geologic elements of oceanic basins (the other elements being an elevated mid-ocean ridge and flanking abyssal hills).

#2018-04-15 22:41:56 by melcyan @melcyan

@RWByrum

 

I read all of your blogs again, some several times.  You are a private and reserved person. So am I. My comment is judgemental. It was a judgement that I deliberately delayed because I thought your actions on the blog “My (Almost) Perfect Match”  were a one-off aberration due to your infatuation with a photo. I have said previously that your words were a breath of fresh air for CLM. I meant it then. I still mean it now.

 

However, I am guessing that while many readers were fascinated by your honesty and detail in that blog, they also saw it as an example of what not to do in online dating. You at one point acknowledged that it was infatuation. You only had a photo to go on. You looked at that photo 188 times in her profile. If any female here thinks that being viewed 188 times by the person you have deliberately chosen not to read their emails is a good thing, then please let me know.

 

I think I wrote the last 6 paragraphs of my comment in a forum thread before you started blogging. They were not specifically written for you but I thought they covered what I wanted to say fairly well so I just cut and pasted them. I covered that at the end of my second paragraph. My apologies for not making that clearer.

#2018-04-17 04:30:48 by RWByrum @RWByrum


@paulfox1

I suspect that many of the women on CLL were indeed desperate, desperate to get out of China.  I think winning a Western husband was only a means to an end rather than an end in and of itself.

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