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Born and raised in Maryland, USA, and attended the University of Maryland, but now living in Pennsylvania, RTByrum is an author and publisher of 9 books but does not make a living at it. His places traveled include Britain and China. His past marriage was to a Chinese woman for 3 years. He since claims to have found the secret to happiness and hopes to share that happiness with someone special, and through his blogs, perhaps also with you.
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Dating Chinese Women: My Ideal Match, Part 2    

By RWByrum
2934 Views | 31 Comments | 12/21/2017 2:53:47 PM
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(Showing 21 to 30 of 31) Previous 1 2 3 4 More...
#2018-01-17 21:47:43 by kalzorch @kalzorch

Yes, once you and your chosen know that the relationship is important, the problem of learning the language can indeed be featured as a test of determination.  OTOH, normally it takes significant communication before one knows that this is The One.  The differences in gender and culture are already big barriers to understanding, as is text-only communication.  Adding the vagaries of a translator into the mix makes it even harder to achieve mutual understanding.

Instead of featuring what you can't fix, you might consider that the smart and determined Chinese woman who is serious about marrying a western man would know before she starts that she needs to be able to speak English.  I don't know about you, but the kind of Chinese woman I want to meet is the kind that didn't sleep through their compulsory English classes.

#2018-01-18 22:46:37 by RWByrum @RWByrum


@kalzorch

It seems to me that our disagreements are merely the product of differences of opinion caused by different tolerances for risk.

But your one comment does beg the question:  why is it the sole responsibility of the Chinese woman to learn English?  Doesn't the Western man seeking a relationship with a Chinese woman bear just as much responsibility for ensuring effective communication by learning Chinese?

#2018-01-29 05:16:27 by kalzorch @kalzorch

Of course the westerner should expect to learn Chinese if he is planning on living in China.  I suspect that this is not usually the case.  Consider also that in China learning English is not just a good idea, it's the law.

#2018-01-29 22:11:48 by melcyan @melcyan

@kalzorch

I think a Westerner has to learn some Chinese words if he wants to have a successful relationship with a Chinese woman regardless of where he lives. You say "in China learning English is not just a good idea, it's the law." Many middle aged Chinese women do not know any English at all.  Many younger Chinese women who have passed English at school cannot speak it.

 

#2018-01-31 23:04:50 by kalzorch @kalzorch

Of course the westerner will want to learn some Chinese words if he wants to have a successful relationship with a Chinese woman regardless of where he lives.  That is, however, far from being enough to conduct a meaningful conversation.  And yes, of course "learning" it in school does not necessarily equate to being to speak it.  I "learned" French for 6 years in school, but didn't have an opportunity to speak it until 20 years later, by which time I had forgotten much of it.  I simply point out that the situation is not symmetrical.  I can count on the fingers of one hand the westerners I have ever met (in 5 decades)  who can speak Chinese.  I suspect every Chinese knows a lot more Chinese who can speak English.

Obviously any western man who wants to marry a Chinese woman would be well advised to learn Chinese; he'll have a wider selection to choose from and multiply his chances.

However, the main point of my argument is that you're going to need a common language right from the start of the relationship, no matter whether it is English or Chinese.  I don't think it is feasible to lean heavily on a translator.  That's my opinion, and it's worth every penny it cost you.

#2018-02-02 07:17:00 by melcyan @melcyan

@kalzorch

 

I now have a better understanding of what you are saying about needing a common language and I agree with you. We are both Western men who need a partner with some English skills. We all need to communicate well with our partner (We also need to keep in mind that millions of couples with good English skills have failed to communicate well).

 

Your potential partner needs to read you with a fair degree of accuracy and vice versa. Of course the communication will never be a symmetrical use of words. Now that we have agreed on the need for English for men like us, the better question is how much English is enough to start a relationship between a Western man and a Chinese woman?

 

This year my partner and I will celebrate our eighth anniversary. Our communication is much better now that it was at the start but one thing has not changed - we still use every avaliable tool to understand the words of the other. We rarely trust the words that come out of each other’s mouth at their face value. We check and double check for accuracy whenever there is a mismatch between verbal language and body language. Sometimes that even requires the use of google translate.

 

I am not sure but I think my partner would fail a basic English literacy test. Her English reading and writing skills are poor. My partner pays much more attention to my body language and actions than she does to my words. She reads me better than any other person ever. I can read her better than any other person ever. My efforts to learn the Chinese language have greatly assisted my ability to read her. We communicate well.

#2018-02-02 22:51:35 by RWByrum @RWByrum


@melcyan

Have you ever considered the possibility that you actually communicate better with your partner because of the language barrier rather than in spite of it?  After all, the true key to effective communication is paying attention to each other.

#2018-02-03 14:53:19 by melcyan @melcyan

"the true key to effective communication is paying attention to each other."

 

Correct! It sounds so simple you would think that everyone should be able to understand it. However, I know Western men who have Chinese partners who do not understand those words. Why? I think they are a little selfish and self-absorbed. They cannot handle the demands of overlapping worlds. They are only interested in how well their partner adapts to their world.

 

I am constantly learning more about my partner's world and my partner is constantly learning about my world. Yes, we do communicate better because of the language barrier. Even though we live apart 5 days a week we still pay attention to each other much more than most couples who live together full-time.

 

What do we pay attention to? We pay much more attention to the other's body language and emotions that we do to the actual words that come out of each other's mouth.

 

 

 

#2018-02-04 14:15:35 by RWByrum @RWByrum


@melcyan

Sometimes it is the most obvious things that elude us the most.  Unfortunately, being selfish and self-absorbed seems to be endemic in the Western world nowadays.

#2018-02-07 02:37:23 by anonymous16861 @anonymous16861

@RWByrum you said: "Sometimes it is the most obvious things that elude us the most.  Unfortunately, being selfish and self-absorbed seems to be endemic in the Western world nowadays." 

Well said but it describes most Chinese women spot on, especially the younger generations...

Communication is great if you have someone to communicate with, it is also wonderful if both parties want to make the effort to do so.

I want to say something in regards to how you percieve your outward appearance. First off if a woman is interested in you it does not really matter how you dress in your profile pictures she will see past that. If you are not a handsome man in western society it does not mean you are not handsome to Chinese women. I believe you mentioned you have received 25+ interests so far and you have a good idea of what you hope to find the type of woman you want. So eventually you will find the woman you want. 

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