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Born and raised in Maryland, USA, and attended the University of Maryland, but now living in Pennsylvania, RTByrum is an author and publisher of 9 books but does not make a living at it. His places traveled include Britain and China. His past marriage was to a Chinese woman for 3 years. He since claims to have found the secret to happiness and hopes to share that happiness with someone special, and through his blogs, perhaps also with you.
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Dating Chinese Women: My Ideal Match, Part 2

By RWByrum
1020 Views | 31 Comments | 12/21/2017 2:53:47 PM

            Every East Asian woman I have ever met had either black hair or dark brown hair for her natural hair color.  The only times I have ever seen an East Asian woman with any other hair color was either wearing a wig or had dyed her hair.  As I much prefer a natural appearance, my ideal match would have black hair.

            My ideal match does not smoke.  I do not smoke and I cannot tolerate it.  My brother married a smoker and he described kissing her as comparable to licking an ashtray.  Naturally, I found that description about as appealing as undergoing a colonoscopy.  (I was originally going to use a word describing a far more disgusting act, but I decided not to test just how lenient John is willing to be.)  Smoking is one of the few issues about which I will not compromise.  I would never date a woman who was a smoker, not even an occasional smoker, not even if she was otherwise the woman of my dreams.  Fortunately, most women in China do not smoke, so I do not expect this to be too much of an issue on CLM.

            Alcohol consumption is an issue about which I am rather ambivalent.  Normally, I do not drink.  In fact, I haven't had an alcoholic beverage in over twenty years.  But I would be willing to drink on occasion.  My ideal match could be either a non-drinker or a social drinker.  I don't believe that dating a woman who drank more often than socially would be a good idea for me.  Still, I would not object to a woman drinking every day as long as she was not a complete alcoholic.

            My ideal match has taken her education beyond high school.  I am not too picky about this, vocational college is fine.  I want my lifemate to be an equal partner in my life.  She can't really be that if she has not attained a certain level of education.  Because of the inevitable cultural differences, patience and adaptability are equally necessary for both partners for a relationship between a Chinese woman and a western man to stand the test of time.  These qualities are far more likely to be inculcated into an educated person than they are to be found in an uneducated one.  Furthermore, as an educated person I believe that I would enjoy the company of an educated woman far better than I would enjoy the company of an uneducated one.

            My ideal match would also be fluent in English but I don't honestly expect my eventual lifemate to be that proficient.  My ideal match is obviously a fantasy construct rather than a real woman.  My knowledge of Chinese is limited to just a handful of words, so, obviously, it would be a great deal more convenient for me to marry a woman who was fluent in English.  But then again, it would also be a lot more convenient for me if my lifemate was already living in America.  I joined CLM because I believe that I am far more apt to find a woman who comes closest to matching the profile of my ideal partner in China than in America.  Thus, I am consciously abandoning convenience for the sake of finding a much more compatible mate.  In a similar vein, I have abandoned the notion of demanding too much English proficiency in my potential matches.

           To be perfectly honest, whenever I look at a woman's profile, I don't really care about her English proficiency.  I don't regard lack of fluency in English to be an insurmountable barrier.  On the contrary, I view it as an opportunity.  An opportunity for us to demonstrate our devotion to each other and to prove that we can work together to overcome a problem.  Thus, the language barrier could just as easily contribute to the success of a relationship as it could contribute to its failure.

            As things stand now, I do not believe that it would be in my best economic interests for me to emigrate to China.  I just don't know how I would find employment in China if I were to move there.  However, circumstances could easily change.  If my writing career were to take off, for example, then living in China might be much more feasible.  But for as long as I must seek employment outside of the home in order to support myself, living in China will remain unattainable.  This is why my ideal match would be willing to emigrate to America.

            I am planning to fully commit myself in every way to my chosen lifemate and I expect her to be equally committed to me.  Thus, my ideal match must be free to make such a complete commitment.  My ideal match can be single, widowed or divorced, but she must not be married, separated or otherwise attached to someone else.  In fact, I would never date a woman who listed her marital status as married/attached or separated.  If a woman was willing to cheat on her husband, and a separated woman is still legally married, how could she possibly be a worthy partner for me?  How could I trust her to remain faithful to me?  I do not approve of extra-marital affairs and I certainly don't intend to play the hypocrite by participating in one.

            Now I come to the issue of children.   My ideal match does not have any children but wishes to have at least one.  Why?  The reason my ideal match wants children is that I still fantasize about having a child of my own.  This is why my ideal match would want to have a child with me.  The reason my ideal match would not have a child yet is mainly that of the complications caused by dating a woman who already has children.

            The first complication is emotional.  When courting a woman with a child, you are not just courting the woman herself, you are courting her child as well.  In order to have a lasting relationship with the mother, you have to win the affections of her child as well as her own.  Similarly, the child's personality must be just as compatible with my own personality as the mother's for our relationship to thrive.

            The second complication is legal.  Obviously, the child and the mother come together in a package deal unless the child has already attained adulthood.  Thus, I would need to sponsor the child for immigration as well as the mother.  I would have to fill out all of the required forms and pay all of the required fees for the child.  Obviously, this doubles the expense of sponsoring the mother alone and greatly increases the chances that the American government will deny granting the mother immigrant status.  Only a fool would not consider these possible repercussions.

            Does this mean that I would reject any woman who already had a child?   Certainly not.  But it does mean that the attraction I would need to feel would have to be a great deal more powerful.  But for the right woman, I would do almost anything to be with her.  I know of at least one woman on CLM for whom I would gladly take on all of the added risks just for the chance to be with her.  My ideal match doesn't have children simply because it would be far more convenient for me if my lifemate were childless when I applied for her immigrant visa.  But that does not mean that I am completely unwilling to sponsor a mother and her child.  For the right woman, I certainly would.

            I have no particular preferences when it comes to personality type, so my ideal match can have any type of personality.  In a similar vein, whether or not my eventual lifemate wants or has pets is completely irrelevant to me.  Thus, my ideal match can give any possible answer to that particular question.

            The least important categories I intentionally left blank when I completed the profile of my ideal match.  These include such things as the Chinese zodiac and star sign categories, the match's current location and the match's religion and job.  None of these characteristics have anything to do with how I will feel about a potential match.

            There are a number of categories on the match profile that all really relate to one characteristic, economic status.  These categories include income, type of car owned, type of home, homeownership, and living situation.  For each of these categories, my ideal match would be a woman at the lower end of the economic stratum.  Why?  Because no woman is going to consent to marry a man and immigrate to his country unless she feels reasonably certain that he will be able to provide her with economic security.  But exactly what economic security entails depends entirely upon the standard of living which the woman enjoyed in her home country.

            On the one hand, a woman who makes over a $100,000 a year, owns her own house and drives a luxury automobile isn't too likely to give all of that up to move in with me and she really shouldn't.  But on the other hand, a woman who makes less than $25,000, doesn't own a car, rents an apartment and lives with her family would be far more likely to find marrying me as the means to a better life.

            Now I come to final two characteristics of my ideal match and these two characteristics are actually the most important of them all.  My ideal match is both very beautiful and very sexy.  Now I imagine that many of you might find that statement a bit confusing.  After all, wouldn't a very beautiful woman also be very sexy?  I would say that this would always be true, but a woman who is very sexy wouldn't necessarily be very beautiful as well.

            For me, a woman's beauty resides in her face while her sexiness is found in her other characteristics, her legs, her butt, her hips and her breasts.  This is why I make a distinction between a woman's sexiness and her beauty.  To me, a beautiful woman is one who has a beautiful face, while a sexy woman is one who has a desirable body.  Of course, there are women who have very desirable bodies but their faces are less attractive.  I have seen women like this on ALM.

           I would caution everyone reading this that I have my own rather peculiar notions of what constitutes 'beauty', so let's avoid making any assumptions.  I do not equate beauty with youth.  While the same woman will undoubtedly tend to be more beautiful at 20 than she would be at 60, this doesn't mean that all 20-year-olds are more beautiful than all 60-year-olds.  There are not a whole lot of women in their 20's on CLM but there are a few.  And I will tell you this, there is a 50-year-old woman on CLM whose beauty puts all of the 20 something's here to shame.

            Will I ever meet my ideal match?  Obviously not.  She is, after all, nothing more than a figment of my imagination.  I don't expect to actually meet my ideal match, I only hope to come reasonably close.  However, in the very first hour after I joined CLM I encountered a woman who is as close to my ideal match as I could ever hope to meet.  I'll tell you more about her in my next blog entry.

Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
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(Showing 1 to 10 of 31) 1 2 3 4 More...
#2017-12-21 14:53:34 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

Roger, I apologize for the delay in posting this, and even more for the fact that I am going to delay making any real comment now. The problem is that where I am now our internet is virtually non-existent. I have had an employee in another location post it, and add this small message in the comments, in order to get it up without further delay. When I've resolved my internet crisis I'll wade in on the comments. Cheers, John.

#2017-12-21 18:07:04 by melcyan @melcyan

"My ideal match is both very beautiful and very sexy."

 

I appreciate your honesty but there is a possibility that these words may eliminate many Chinese women who are both sexy and beautiful. Why? Because they do not see themselves as sexy and beautiful and when they read these words they will eliminate you from their shortlist.

 

My partner is regarded by many Chinese men and many western men as both sexy and beautiful. She discounts these words from Chinese and western men as insincere flattery because they do not match her view of herself. 

 

I have made some progress with changing her view of herself over the last seven and a half years and I think I will eventually convince her that she is sexy and beautiful. It could take another ten years or more. (In ten years time she will be 73 years old)

 

I read your profile. I noticed that you were wise enough not to use the words "sexy and beautiful" in your profile description of your ideal partner. How do you judge "sexy and beautiful"? A photo is very little help with that judgement.

 

 "I would caution everyone reading this that I have my own rather peculiar notions of what constitutes 'beauty', so let's avoid making any assumptions." So it is your own peculiar notions of "sexy and beautiful" that really matter and it is unlikely that you will be able to communicate them accurately in a few sentences no matter how carefully you choose your words.

 

Honest communication has two critical components for online dating. Message given and message received.

 

 

 

 

#2017-12-21 21:44:50 by sandy339 @sandy339

"stand the test of time"? yes it is much harder to maintain a relationship: a lot of personal trait, and later fight the shortage or flaws in our own human nature, hehe I am wonderting why it is so complexed? but it is lucky for us, we could laugh them off, who knows where they might amount to finally(giggle)

Job in China? as English native speaker, you might have a lot of chance in teaching English here. Good Luck with the woman you know here.:)

 

#2017-12-21 22:50:52 by RWByrum @RWByrum


@JohnAbbot  That's okay, John.  I just assumed that you were busy.  Besides, I thought that having a gap between blog entries was probably a good idea.  I do hope you get your internet fixed soon as I do look forward to your comments.

#2017-12-22 06:07:29 by woaizhongguo @woaizhongguo

Just a couple of comments. FIrst,I admire your attitude on language. It is a complicated issue in an intercultural relationship and one I have researched, thought about, have had to deal with personally and will write about in the future. I think there is no ideal situation, but it is important that you see it as a challenge and not take it for granted and think it does not matter. Your view of it as a challenge is the correct one.

Second, you might want to think long and hard about children. In my experience, for Chinese woman, the child comes before the husband. Now, this can happen in many Western marriages as well, but it is especially a trait in Chinese marriages. In general, there is not the sort of intimacy between partners in a Chinese marriage that exists, or at least is a goal, of Western marriages. The Western notion is neither superior or inferior, just different. But you need to go in eyes wide open to the status of the child in a traditional Chinese marriage, and don't expect a Chinese woman necessrily to overcome tradition in this (or most) areas. I look forward to hearing more about your quest.

#2017-12-22 23:45:13 by RWByrum @RWByrum


@melcyan  Plato tried to define beauty.  He even wrote an entire book on the subject.  Did he succeed?  I didn't think so, but then again, I only studied Ancient Greek for a year which wasn't nearly long enough to read Plato in the original language.  Perhaps the meaning of beauty was lost in translation.  But if you really think that I could accomplish in a couple of sentences what Plato could not accomplish in an entire book, then you have far more confidence in my writing ability and my perspicacity than I do ;)

For what it is worth, I define both beauty and sexiness by the reactions which I get when I view a woman's picture.  In the end, that is really the only meaningful way of measuring either.  Beauty and sexiness are, by their very nature, subjective opinions rather than objective facts.  I consider a woman sexy if I look at her picture and want to take her to bed.  I consider a woman beautiful if I want to gaze at her picture rather than simply give it a passing glance.  The more beautiful I find a woman, the more I want to look at her pictures.  So, the most objective measure of how beautiful I find a woman is the number of times I visit her profile to look at her pictures.

#2017-12-22 23:47:21 by RWByrum @RWByrum


@sandy339  My sister told me that the secret to a successful relationship was the three C's:  consideration, communication, compromise.  But I think that the most important ingredient of all is commitment.  Unless both partners are equally committed to the relationship, it is doomed to fail.

#2017-12-22 23:55:55 by RWByrum @RWByrum


@woaizhongguo  As always you bring up some interesting points.  In one important respect my experiences have not really prepared me for what might happen in the future.  My ex-wife was not very tradition minded.  In fact, I strongly suspect that she wanted to marry me in order to escape from China and its traditions.

From everything I have seen, I believe that all mothers put their children ahead of their husbands.  I believe this is because of maternal instinct.  It might be that the Chinese are simply more open about it. This, like the language barrier, could be a major problem for the husband, but it can also be a major opportunity if played correctly.  If a man can show love and concern for the child then that will greatly enhance the love and loyalty he will receive from the mother.

You will agree that there is much more to language than vocabulary and grammar.  The way ideas are expressed in Chinese is fundamentally different from the way that ideas are expressed in English.  Just because a Chinese woman is fluent in English does not mean that the language barrier will not exist.  My ex-wife is fluent in English yet I found that at times I did not always understand everything she said.  Sometimes she didn't use quite the right word.  Often she just didn't express her thoughts completely enough for me to understand.

#2017-12-23 20:56:14 by paulfox1 @paulfox1

'Sexbots' are all the rage now. Change their head to any culture you like......

No drama's; no arguments; no cookin !g - just sex......Perfect

#2017-12-23 22:19:04 by paulfox1 @paulfox1


@RWByrum

1. They ALL have black hair - get over it !

2. They ALL want a kid - get over it.!

3. Once you're married with a kid, you may get a two-fingered hand job once-a-year, or you can go screw who you like as long as you don't shame the family - get over it !

In the meantime, PLEASE don't invite a Chinese woman to your Chinese apartment for a cup of tea - or you'll be killed......

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