Chinese Women, Asian Women, Online Dating & Things Chinese and Asian
Born and raised in Maryland, USA, and attended the University of Maryland, but now living in Pennsylvania, RTByrum is an author and publisher of 9 books but does not make a living at it. His places traveled include Britain and China. His past marriage was to a Chinese woman for 3 years. He since claims to have found the secret to happiness and hopes to share that happiness with someone special, and through his blogs, perhaps also with you.
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Dating Chinese Women: My (Almost) Perfect Match, Part 5    

By RWByrum
2322 Views | 15 Comments | 3/10/2018 12:08:55 PM

            Every day I checked to see if she has logged-in again, and every day I was both disappointed and relieved that she has not.  I was disappointed that she has not logged-in and read my messages, thus proving my interpretation of the fact pattern correct.  I was relieved that she has not proven my interpretation false by logging-in and then failing to read my messages.

            I wrote in a recent blog comment that the truest measure of how beautiful I regard a woman was directly proportional to the number of times I visited her profile to view her pictures.  I visited my almost perfect match's profile numerous times each day because I always want to gaze at her pictures.  As of this writing, I have officially visited her profile 188 times.

            How long will I continue to wait before finally giving up?  I don't honestly know.  Like every other decision I make with regards to online dating, it will be made according to how I feel rather than what I think.  Thus, the decision will be an inherently irrational one.  I had resolved to give her until at least the end of the year and I fully intend to keep that resolution.  What happens after the New Year will depend on how I feel at the time, but I strongly suspect that I will continue to wait for at least a little longer.

            I have the feeling that my story will be either incredibly romantic or incredibly pathetic, depending on how it all ends.  I'm still optimistic about a positive outcome.  I have to admit that I hope to influence that outcome by posting this to my blog, through the principle of sympathetic magic.

            For the last three and a half months, I have been waiting for another fact to emerge that would change the fact pattern of my interactions with my almost perfect match and, consequently, would change my interpretation of that pattern.  That fact has now emerged.  On January 31st at 9:20 a.m. my almost perfect match logged into CLM again.  Her apparent behavior after her log-in on January 31st precisely matched her apparent behavior after her log-in on October 12th.  She neither read any of the last eight messages that I sent to her nor did she send any messages of her own.

            The most obvious interpretation of this new fact pattern is that she is no longer interested in me and this was certainly my initial impression when I had discovered her return to CLM.  This time no clever rationalizations from me could render that interpretation any less inevitable.  It certainly seemed that after four months of waiting for a response from my almost perfect match that the time had finally come to give up on her and move on.

            I was saddened and disappointed by this but I was not bitter and certainly not angry.  After all, she had every right to reject me.  While it wasn't the outcome that I was hoping for, it was the outcome that I was expecting.  I regard finding someone to whom I was attracted who was also attracted to me as nothing short of a miracle and miracles just don't happen all that often.

            The problem is that I am prepared neither to completely give up on my almost perfect match nor move on.  Why not?  I am not yet ready to completely give up on my almost perfect match because my mind did produce a clever rationalization for clinging to hope.  Never underestimate my ability to concoct clever rationalizations.  While it was undeniably true that my almost perfect match did not read any of my final eight messages to her and that she did not send any messages of her own to me, I have no way of knowing why she logged-in or what she did after that log-in.  She might have been deleting my final two messages to her, or she might just as easily have been reading my blog entries.  Perhaps the time that she could devote to CLM was too limited for her to both read my blog entries and my messages to her.

            I noticed an aspect of the fact pattern that I had overlooked before.  Over the last six log-ins, my almost perfect match never logged-in during the weekend.  All six times she had logged-in between Monday and Thursday.  By checking the IP address, I could tell that she used the same computer each time.  This pretty much ruled out an internet cafe as the venue from which she logs-in to CLM but that doesn't necessarily mean that she accesses it from home.  She could easily be using a work computer.  That might explain why her last three log-ins had all been executed in the morning, but it doesn't explain the fact that her first two log-ins in September had been performed in the evening.

            Moving on is also problematic for me right now.  This is not due to my infatuation with my almost perfect match but rather because of my own circumstances.  I had suffered a major setback near the end of last year that renders me unsuitable to be anybody's lifemate.  After a month and a half, I still haven't recovered from that setback.  I'm not going to divulge the nature of that setback just yet.  Nevertheless, I am feeling optimistic about the future even if my almost perfect match chooses not to be a part of that future.  I just published my tenth book and with each such publication comes the chance of a dramatic reversal of my fortunes.  Most likely the situation will be resolved in a more mundane fashion.  I just hope that resolution occurs before my gold upgrade expires in just under two months.

            So what's the game plan?  I intend to continue to wait and see if my almost perfect match ever reads my messages or contacts me while I work on recovering from my setback.  If by the time I do recover, I still haven't heard from her or seen any evidence of interest, I will start systematically contacting other women.

            My almost perfect match logged-in again at 8:43 a.m. on February 6th.  Just as in her previous two log-ins, she showed no signs of interest.  She did not read my messages and she did not send a message to me.  Hope dies hard but eventually, it does die.  I have decided to write her off now.  I have removed her from my favorites list and deleted from my outbox all of the messages that I have sent her.  Unless she shows interest in me by sending me some kind of message, I will no longer trouble myself with her.  No doubt I will be eagerly awaiting that message for quite some time to come, but I will not be viewing her profile again, I will not be tracking her log-ins and I will not worry about whether or not she will ever read any of the messages which I sent her.  I fully expect this to the be the end of the saga.  Once again, I am not angry or bitter, just saddened and disappointed.

Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
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#2018-03-10 12:08:37 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

RWByrum, I have to confess that I have been struck by, and learned much from, this series of blogs you've gifted us with.

Struck by both your earnest telling of the tale, including an honest and open self assessment of your own role in it. Struck even more by how different we human beings all are.  

I think of all our bloggers, perhaps even of all our members who have participated in the blogs or forum as commentors, you may be the ultimate romantic. You gave your heart to a woman you had only fleetingly come to know through minimal contact on CLM, and you held it out for her far beyond what most of us would have, until you were unable to hope any longer because of undeniable lack of interest on her part. 

I am incapable of such romantic behaviour, I could not have given away my heart as you did, let alone leave it out there unguarded and unrewarded for so long. There are those who will scoff at you for being foolish and impractical, but personally, I envy you. I will never know what it is to have placed your heart at such risk. To give someone your undivided devotion, with so little reason to hope you will be rewarded for doing so, takes courage.

Before your critics jump to the attack, they would be wise to wonder why they believe that steeling your heart from pain, always playing the odds when betting on true love, never risking a broken heart and always keeping multiple fallback women in reserve, is so smart. Before you judge RWByrum negatively, perhaps you should first look at yourselves and ask yourself, "How has your cleverness, your defensive wall around your heart, your never taking an ultimate risk, or your many, many relationships and attempts at love been working out for you so far?"

If the women on CLM have been reading this, and what a shame it is not in their own language, then they should right now be lining up to try to be your next "almost perfect match", because look at the reward if they are the next one to win his attention. They will have a man who will give them his heart without conditions other than they give theirs in return, who will no doubt be loyal, faithful and true, and who does that all with eyes wide open. They will win a man who will likely romance them for the rest of their lives.

There are not many of us who could offer all that, and least of all are the cynics who will scoff at you.

Thanks for the education.(handshake) 

#2018-03-10 12:57:18 by anonymous16919 @anonymous16919

Yes, Bryum you're a true romantic as am I. But there comes a time when you have to be a realist. I know that many times when you text, call, message, IM, leave voice mails, send letters (rare these days), kisses, gifts, e-mails, leave notes on their cars too much, they get turned off and think you're too needy. Psychologist Dr. James Dobson, relates a story when he was interested in his now wife that when told him she didn't want to be exclusive in dating. Dr. Dobson replied that it was okay with him. This caused Shirley to want to pursue him. He had confidence in himself and didn't need to be dependent on her. Also as someone commented previously, I think you should post some better pictures on your profile. In one of mine I'm wearing a suit. Unfortunately, first impressions matter as my wife reminds me. Even though it's difficult, I'd start interacting with some other women. I did so with several and then after some time narrowed it down to my wife and told the others that I was seriously dating someone. Well, that's my two cents worth.

#2018-03-10 14:20:23 by RWByrum @RWByrum


You're welcome, John.  And thank you for the words of encouragement.  I must congratulate you on correctly deducing my ulterior motive for writing this series of blogs.  I actually was hoping to impress some lady with my capacity for devotion.  I was thinking, "If I could show this much devotion to a woman who isn't even giving me the time of day, just imagine how much more devotion I would show to a woman who actually shared her love with me."  But that does beg the question, just how many Chinese ladies actually read this blog?  Some do, obviously.  But the number might still be very small.

Naturally, that was not my only reason.  I also saw it as an opportunity to demonstrate how open and honest I am.  I had a brief exchange with one lady here on CLM where she expressed concern over whether a long distance relationship would work.  She was mostly worried about how one can learn about another person online.  I tried to assure her that a sufficiently honest and open man could reveal as much about himself to her online as she would learn from any face-to-face encounter.  Furthermore, I pointed out that a dishonest man could just as easily misrepresent himself in a face-to-face encounter as he could online.  Unfortunately, I did not prove sufficiently persuasive.

Plus, I thought that it was a good story and well-worth telling.

Also, I did take the advice you gave me in your comment to part 4, albeit in my own rather peculiar way.  I went back to ALM near the end of last month a found someone there who sparked my interest every bit as much as my "almost perfect match".  This one, however, proved to be far more responsive.

#2018-03-10 19:03:29 by fj1383 @fj1383


Woah Woah! Hold it there. I think you're making two big mistakes here:

The first one, qualifying most of us as clever, defensive dudes who are afraid to place our hearts at risk when I'm sure that plenty of us, including myself, at some point in our lives risked not only our hearts but also our health, our economy and our safety just to be with a woman who didn't love us back as much.

The second one, qualifying RWByrum as the utimate romantic when there's a plausible chance that he suffers from some kind of mental illness. I mean there's extensive research out there that suggests writers are more likely to suffer from mental disorders and schizophrenia. It'd be really nice to have access to at least one of the 9 books RWByrum has published and get an idea of how his mind works from it. For sure his obsessive behavior and paranoia on what his perfect match may be doing or not in order to justify her zero interest have left many of us scratching our heads and exclaiming "WTF is wrong with this dude?". All I know is that there's a fine line between being incredibly romantic or a total creep.

#2018-03-11 11:19:18 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

@RWByrum - Thanks for your response to my remarks. I am curious about one thing though. When you say you returned to ALM and found someone responsive, does that mean that:

1. You did not return to CLM, only to ALM,

2. You did return to CLM as well but did not find anyone responsive, or

3. You did return to CLM as well but did not find anyone who sparked your interest as much as the lady from ALM did?

If either of 2 or 3, do you attribute your success on ALM with anything in particular, or just coincidence that this time the lady was from ALM?


Re your first point, who exactly are you referring to when you write "qualifying most of us as..."?

I didn't say anything about most members,, most commentors, or most of any other group. I wrote "There are those who will scoff at you...", which doesn't suggest it will be a bunch of people, a percentage of any group of people and certainly not "most" of any group of people. I also wrote "Before your critics jump to the attack..." which likewise doesn't suggest a large number of people, or a large proportion of a group of people.

I also did not suggest in anyway that you were part of such a group of critics. You have chosen to do that.

But I also wasn't criticizing such a group as I described and, in fact, was somewhat including myself in such a group by implication, because I was basically acknowldging that I was incapable of doing what he did, and that until reading RWByrum's series and digesting it I hadn't even given credence to being the kind of person that he is and being able to do what he did. 

His writing has opened my eyes a lot, and I suggested his critics think about opening their own eyes a bit. I guess it hasn't opened yours in the same way.

Re your second point, you seem to be confusing a number of issues.

First, saying someone is the "ultimate romantic" does not preclude him from being the most sane man on the planet, nor does it preclude him from suffering some from of mental illness. Even you haven't connected the two.

Instead you have lept to the strange conclusion that because he is a "writer" he may suffer from a mental illness. I would suggest that it is equally likely that, because he is a writer, he may well be blessed with a high IQ and deep soul, both of which are also more prevalent characteristics of writers than the average human being.

But more on point, why would you need to read one of RWByrum's books to determine "how his mind works"? The entire blog series we are discussing demonstrates loudly and clearly how his mind works. In fact it is, more than anything else, a very clear and detailed description of how his mind works. It is a roadmap to how his mindworks.

And that is both why I enjoyed it, and why I got a much better insight than I have had before as to how a true romantic might be thinking and why he might be acting the way he does. To be clear, I am confident that RWByrum would not have been able to give us such an open and honest description of himself if he was suffering from schizophrenia or some other mental disorder.

Perhaps "many of us" (your words, not mine) were "scratching our heads and exclaiming 'WTF is wrong with this dude?'", and in anticipation that at least some might be doing so, I suggested that those who were so scratching their heads look at the series again and see if there wasn't something to be learned from it that might be beneficial.

It wasn't an attack, merely a suggestion, to people who might be thinking as I was initially, that they go deeper and see if there wasn't something good to be learned from RWByrum's writings. I am sorry that you took it in any other way.  

#2018-03-11 12:28:06 by RWByrum @RWByrum


Congratulations!  You have submitted a comment that is so palpably stupid as to be completely self-defeating.

#2018-03-11 13:06:35 by RWByrum @RWByrum


#3.  I actually spend a great deal more time on CLM than on ALM.  I just figured after reading your comment to part 4, I'd take another look and see who was there.  I just happened to find someone interesting that time around.  Just a coincidence, really.  Sometimes you find someone where you least expect to.

#2018-03-11 13:14:13 by RWByrum @RWByrum

Anyone interested can find all of my published books for sale on the various Amazon websites in the United States, Canada, Mexico, Britain, France, Spain, Italy, Germany, the Netherlands, Brazil, India, Australia and Japan.  It's ten now as I published another book last month.  My username here is actually the name under which I publish.  However, I would caution anyone against judging an author by what he writes.  Catullus wrote an entire poem responding the critics who insisted on doing so.

#2018-03-11 14:21:55 by RWByrum @RWByrum


"But there comes a time when you have to be a realist." 

Ah, but reality often encompasses far more than we are apt to consider.  The whole issue here was not really about realism as much as it was how does one deals with ambiguity.  Should one base one's decisions upon facts or upon assumptions?  How long should one wait for a response?

"I'd start interacting with some other women."

I did, actually.  I started communicating with other women shortly after the woman I was pursuing failed to read my messages on during her October 12th log-in.  At that point I figured that the odds were rather against me ever hearing from her but I didn't think that was reason enough to abandon all hope.  That point came last February.  Nevertheless, I consider her well worth waiting for.

"Also as someone commented previously, I think you should post some better pictures on your profile."

You miss the point just as that other person did.  Any woman who would reject me merely because of how I dress is not someone I would wish to date in the first place.


#2018-03-12 17:27:52 by anonymous16930 @anonymous16930

@RWByrum I made a mistake by not carefully reading the end of the blog to see that you'd begun contacting other women. Regarding your pictures, it's a sad fact that people are judged by their appearance, especially first impressions. I agree with you that it shouldn't be a factor. A good Chinese friend asked me what's the difference between American and Chinese women.  I'm generalizing, but many American women tend to not dress in a feminine matter, they're overweight and don't care too much about their appearance. Especially those who are radical leftist feminists. Many Chinese women are very feminine in the way they dress, slim and concerned about how they look It's a sad reality that we first judge one another on how we look without considering their personality, values, character, emotional state until later.

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