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Born and raised in Maryland, USA, and attended the University of Maryland, but now living in Pennsylvania, RTByrum is an author and publisher of 9 books but does not make a living at it. His places traveled include Britain and China. His past marriage was to a Chinese woman for 3 years. He since claims to have found the secret to happiness and hopes to share that happiness with someone special, and through his blogs, perhaps also with you.
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Dating Chinese Women: My (Almost) Perfect Match, Part 4    

By RWByrum
1533 Views | 22 Comments | 2/25/2018 3:34:09 PM
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#2018-03-03 14:40:22 by RWByrum @RWByrum

@melcyan

It is also fairly obvious that fj1383 and I are searching for very different slices of the demographic pie.  Obviously, that difference is going to affect our respective approaches.

#2018-03-09 11:31:30 by fj1383 @fj1383

@RWByrum

"But it is pretty clear that those pictures do insult you.  To my mind that's yet another reason to keep them up."

What a childish response and coming from someone older than me, I'm 35 by the way and so happily married. I will admit that your pictures make me angry but not even enough to ruin my hour (rock)(beer). In fact it's much sadder seeing you dig your own grave and being too stubborn to see it.

@All

TO EVERYBODY out there looking for love online, you must keep in mind that the FIRST impression you make is always with your pictures and will always be with your pictures. Natural good looks don't matter so much but it's all about how you present yourself to people online. If you overdo it and retouch your pictures too much, sure you'll get lots of attention but also you'll disappoint plenty of people after meeting in person. On the other hand, if you underdo it as our friend RWByrum, then you'll get no attention at all and probably you'll turn people off instead. I don't know if my concept of online dating is correct but it's my own point of view, maybe @JohnAbbot would be so kind as to add his precious comments about it.

@melcyan

"Both RWByrum and fj1383 have proven themselves to be successful online daters despite having very different approaches."

Thanks for your comments. But can we consider RWByrum a successful online dater?? I mean, getting NO reply after contacting 5 ladies and being practically an onlike stalker, what would you call that??

I wasn't a success with the girls online either but at least I was getting, in my view, 20% success contacting some female members online and exchaging messages for a while. For sure there are other members who are real successful online daters and who'd give you a better understanding on this matter. All I know is that pictures are extremely important for online dating and the critical key is to look 'decent' enough to catch the attention of your perfect match, without that opening door there's NO chance whatsoever....that's my own personal experience.

#2018-03-09 14:57:16 by RWByrum @RWByrum

For the record, I am getting plenty of attention here.  To date, I have been contacted by 34 CLM members and 10 ALM members.  Admittedly, three of them are now in Scammer Prison.  I even had a hand in putting one there.

#2018-03-09 15:36:31 by melcyan @melcyan

@fj1383

 

"Both RWByrum and fj1383 have proven themselves to be successful online daters despite having very different approaches."

Thanks for your comments. But can we consider RWByrum a successful online dater?? I mean, getting NO reply after contacting 5 ladies and being practically an onlike stalker, what would you call that??

I wasn't a success with the girls online either but at least I was getting, in my view, 20% success contacting some female members online and exchaging messages for a while. For sure there are other members who are real successful online daters and who'd give you a better understanding on this matter. All I know is that pictures are extremely important for online dating and the critical key is to look 'decent' enough to catch the attention of your perfect match, without that opening door there's NO chance whatsoever....that's my own personal experience.

 

@fj1383 You raise many valid points but I still stand by my comment “ Both RWByrum and fj1383 have proven themselves to be successful online daters despite having very different approaches”.

 

I think that you are much closer than RWByrum or me in representing the commonly accepted success model for online dating. However, it is possible to break the rules that statistically give you the greatest chance of success and still end up succeeding. I will use my online dating history as an example.

 

Firstly, in 2009 when I was finally free enough to start online dating, I did not post a photo for public viewing on my profile but I did have password protected photos. I had more responses to my profile than I could handle so the rule that you must post a visible photo on your profile is a good one but not essential for all people. As a teacher, the last thing I wanted was to have students accessing my profile and my photos. The next rule I broke was giving as much detail in my profile as the word limit would allow. ( a word limit much higher than CLM’s) It took considerable time and effort to read my profile. I wanted my profile to function as a filter as much as possible.

 

I had been reading hundreds of profiles online without responding many years prior to 2009. Since I worked full time and I was a sole parent of 4 children, I turned reading people’s profiles into a hobby. I was able to see who was successful and who was not, over a long period of time. I saw men and women start a relationship, fail and come back again. I saw some never succeed. I also identified women with multiple profiles. A friend of mine was on the same site for 5 years. She said many men made repeat contacts with her over the course of several years. They could not remember that they had contacted her before.

 

I could understand how they could make a mistake like that but for me such a mistake was impossible. Every profile that made my short list was printed out as a hard copy. Each hard copy was rated out of 10 and fully annotated. This may sound like a hobby of a disturbed  or OCD person but I was just making the best of a very difficult situation. The combination of a good red wine and a forensic examination of hundreds of profiles kept me highly entertained (some people put really funny and stupid stuff in their profile). This kept me sane during the time that it was impossible for me to take an active part in online dating. It was definitely much more enjoyable than marking my students’ work. This hobby proved to be not just entertaining, but also highly educational.

 

In my previous comment on this blog I listed two links where I reveal a lot of what I learned. Also it important to keep in mind that I was seeking a western woman in 2009.

 

RWByrum met and married a Chinese woman several years ago. That marriage ended after 3 years. On that basis he has been successful online dater in the past. Is he using the same strategies now as he did then? I don’t know, that is why I asked hime to elaborate on his online dating experiences from several years ago. Maybe he will elaborate at a later time. Are you willing to elaborate on your experiences? I am definitely interested in what you have to say.

#2018-03-10 12:49:59 by RWByrum @RWByrum


@melcyan

Yes, I am actually employing the exact same dating strategy now that I used nine years ago.  In fact, it is showing signs of working for me again.  But that is another story which I may or may not share here.  Bear in mind, though, that how I apply that strategy depends entirely on the circumstances.  The situation that I have been describing in this series of posts was unique.  In all honesty, I have never encountered this situation before and I don't believe that I will ever encounter it again.  So yes, I did deal differently with this one than I have with every other woman I have ever encountered online.  I don't actually think that posting this series was a mistake per se, but I am not in a big hurry to repeat the performance, either.

#2018-03-11 16:46:18 by melcyan @melcyan

@RWByrum

 

A big thank you for your reply.

 

"The situation that I have been describing in this series of posts was unique.  In all honesty, I have never encountered this situation before and I don't believe that I will ever encounter it again. "

 

With these words the jigsaw finally makes sense. I wish your first blog was about your earlier successful online dating attempt that took place many years ago. Maybe, with hindsight, a better title for this blog would have been Blindspot and it would have had a bigger impact if it had followed a blog from you about your previous successful online dating strategies.

 

I think the people criticising you are getting fixated on what they view as mistakes in your actions when your breathtaking openness and honesty should have been their focus. I have never seen a Blindspot explored in this way before. You will never repeat this situation. I hope no one attempts to copy the actions that you have displayed in this situation. Most men have stumbled down the dark alley of infatuation at least once.

 

However, the main take-home message from this blog is to highlight the important role that honesty, openness and vulnerability need to play in online searching. I hope no one misses that message.

#2018-03-12 13:28:41 by RWByrum @RWByrum


@melcyan

You're welcome.  However, I would never have called the post "blindspot" because a blindspot is a gap in perception and the mechanics of this situation was not caused by any such gaps.  I recognized from the moment that my almost perfect match did not respond to the first message that there was a good possibility that she was not interested in me.  However, I also recognized that this was just one possible interpretation among many.  So, rather than arbitrarily choose one possible interpretation over another, I chose to wait for more facts to emerge to make the overall pattern clearer.  Emotional bias obviously played a strong role in this as well. That is inevitable whenever the emotions are involved in anything.  My critics think of me as foolish and naive while I think of them as myopic and narrow-minded.  Reality often encompases many more possibilities than our minds are apt to grasp.

#2018-03-13 15:39:17 by melcyan @melcyan

@RWByrum

Please imagine that you are talking to a first time male CLM  memberr who has never done online dating before. Imagine your blog is the first thing that they read. Please write a short summary of the DO'S and DON'TS that can be extracted from this blog for the first time user.

#2018-03-14 13:53:10 by RWByrum @RWByrum

@melcyan

Okay, for what it is worth I would suggest this:

Do;  Contact everyone you are interested in and let them decide if they are interested in you. 

Don't:  Try to anticipate how a lady is going to react to you or your message.

Do:  Be completely honest.  This includes making sure that the pictures you post to your profile are reasonably recent.

Do:  Always remember that everyone you meet will be a unique individual.

Do:  Take all advice with a grain of salt.

Don't:  Assume anything.

Do:  Always remember that facts can be interpreted in different ways.

Don't:  Send another message if the lady you've contacted does not respond.  But keep in mind that it might take as long as two weeks for someone to respond depending on the circumstances  Remember that they have to log-in before they can respond.

Don't mistake opinions for facts.

Do remember that the opinions of others are more often than not no more valid than your own opinions.

Do:  Always maintain a positive outlook and attitude

Don't become angry or frustrated

Don't send anyone money.

Don't rush into a relationship without getting to know the other person first.

Do:  always remember to trust your gut.

Do:  Pay attention to small details.  That's one of the best ways to catch a scammer.

Do:  take calculated risks.  Broken hearts will mend but loneliness will not.

#2018-03-15 17:31:29 by melcyan @melcyan

@RWByrum Thanks for the useful newbie advice and the inclusion of "take all advice with a grain of salt." I have urgent tasks to complete over the next few days but hopefully, I will get the time to reply to your words in more detail next week.

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