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Born and raised in Maryland, USA, and attended the University of Maryland, but now living in Pennsylvania, RTByrum is an author and publisher of 9 books but does not make a living at it. His places traveled include Britain and China. His past marriage was to a Chinese woman for 3 years. He since claims to have found the secret to happiness and hopes to share that happiness with someone special, and through his blogs, perhaps also with you.
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Dating Chinese Women: My (Almost) Perfect Match, Part 3

By RWByrum
924 Views | 18 Comments | 2/11/2018 7:14:51 AM

Beautiful Chinese Woman

            At 6:00 p.m. I had resolved to upgrade my CLM membership.  I attempted to pay for the upgrade but I immediately ran into a problem.  The only card I had available to make the payment was the ATM card associated with my primary checking account.  Unfortunately, the card was a Mastercard and, for reasons involving international banking, PayPal would not accept it.  After three hours of fruitless attempts to use my bank card to pay for my upgrade, I sent an e-mail to CLM's customer support to ask them why I couldn't pay for my upgrade with a Mastercard.

            I'll take this opportunity to praise CLM's customer support.  They responded two hours after I had sent my e-mail and worked diligently to solve the problem.  They provided me with several options, unfortunately, none of them worked.  In the end, I resorted to the stratagem of signing up for my own PayPal account and linking that account to my secondary checking account.  Then I was able to pay for my upgrade by having PayPal extract the funds directly from my checking account.  By the time I had worked out this solution and sent the money to CLM, it was 2:00 a.m.  The payment had been sent but my account had not yet been upgraded.  As I had no idea how long it would take for the upgrade to be processed, I decided to send kisses to my almost perfect match and the four other members of my favorites list that I found the most attractive.  The kiss simply stated that I was going to upgrade my account and would be sending them messages as soon as the upgrade was processed.

            When I awakened the next morning, I found that my account had still not been upgraded.  I had things to do that day and couldn't wait around until my upgrade had been processed.  I left at 8:30 a.m. and didn't return home until 3:00 p.m.  By then, my account had been upgraded, so I promptly sent introductory messages to each of the five ladies to whom I had sent kisses the night before.

            Six hours later, I checked to see how many of my messages had been read.  I already knew even before I logged into CLM that no one had replied to any of my messages.  I had checked my e-mail before logging in and did not find any e-mail notifications from CLM among the usual spam.  Four of the ladies followed the usual patterns.  One read the kiss and the message, looked over my profile and did not respond.  One read the message but not the kiss, looked over my profile and did not respond.  Two did not read either the kisses or the messages, did not look over my profile and did not respond.  My almost perfect match read my kiss but not my message and looked over my profile.  I was originally puzzled by the fact that my almost perfect match had read the kiss but not the message.  Then I looked at the time when she logged-in.  It was 8:11 p.m. her time which was 8:11 a.m. my time.  When she had logged-in, it was six hours after I had sent my kiss and seven hours before I had sent my message.

            On Tuesday, September 26th, my almost perfect match logged-in to CLM again.  This second log-in occurred at 8:25 p.m. China time, 8:25 a.m. my time.  She read my message though she did not respond to it.  This seemed like an ambivalent response at best and I had a great deal of time interpreting it.  Was she interested or wasn't she?  The fact that she came back to read the message seemed to indicate interest but the lack of response seemed to indicate the lack of interest.  I contemplated this for quite some time, pondering it over and over again.

            I decided to resolve this ambivalence by sending her another message and seeing if she read it or not.  I figured that she would only bother to read the second message if she was interested in me.  So, late in the evening of Wednesday, September 27th, I sent my almost perfect match my second message.  It was 9:38 p.m. my time and 9:38 a.m. Thursday morning in China.  Shortly after sending the message, I visited my mailboxes on CLM to check my outbox.  I was quite surprised to find the message I had just sent marked as read.  Not only did my almost perfect match log-in to CLM and read my second message, she did it a mere 25 seconds after I had sent it.  What made this all the more remarkable was the timing.  It was a weekday morning in China.  What did this mean?   I really didn't know, except that I was now quite certain that my almost perfect match was indeed interested in me, or so it seemed at the time.  Except for one thing, she still did not respond.

            Over the next several days I waited with bated breath for my almost perfect match to send me her first response but it never seemed to come.  The experiment of sending the second message seemed to have resolved nothing as the ambivalence of the situation once again assailed me.  Was she interested or wasn't she?  I still could not decide.  My brain and my heart vied with each other for domination.  My brain wanted to let go of my almost perfect match and move on.  My heart wanted to wait.  I was on an emotional rollercoaster as control over my thought processes switched back and forth between my brain and my heart.  During this time I sent two additional messages to my almost perfect match, the first on September 28th, the second on September 30th.  Neither of them was read or received a response.

            I had known that October 1st was National Day in the People's Republic of China as October 1, 1949, was the date when Chairman Mao formerly proclaimed the foundation of the Central People's Government in Tiananmen Square.  But beyond that, I knew nothing about the holiday or how it was customarily observed in China.  I filled the gaps in my knowledge by consulting the oracle of modern times, the internet.  That was where I learned that National Day was associated with a Golden Week.  I had heard about Golden Weeks from my ex-wife but only in connection with the Spring Festival.  I did not know that National Day was the first day of another Golden Week.

            This discovery put my whole situation in a new light.  Everything suddenly made sense to me.  My almost perfect match must have taken a vacation which started on September 28th.  That was why she was available to read my message that morning instead of being at work.  That was the most likely reason why she did not respond to my second message, she simply didn't have the time to do so.  That was also why she had not logged-in to CLM since then.  Naturally, I did not keep my new-found perspicacity to myself.  I immediately sent my almost perfect match another message to share my conclusions with her.

            To be continued...

Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
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#2018-02-11 07:14:36 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

I must say that I admire how candid you are being about how you've gone about your search for your perfect match, and your own feelings and thoughts during the process.  I also admire how forthright you are about the rejections you suffered and your internal reactions to those rejections.

I can't say that I agree entirely with your approaches to the ladies, or your conclusions when their interest was not returned, but regardless of that, what I do 100% agree with is your being so proactive in your quest. So many men and women get involved in online dating and then sadly wait around for someone to find them. They turn the process into a fool's quest. 

How can you hope to find your perfect match if you rely entirely on that perfect match to find you? He or she may very well not even know he or she is looking for you. In the case of a Chinese woman she may be searching only among Americans when you are and Australian, or vice versa. 

Your perfect match maybe also stting back and waiting to be found. How can two people find each other if neither one is initiating contact? It simply cannot happen.

Everybody should learn a big lesson from you and recognize the need to clearly define who they this wish to match up with, then proactively go about finding everyone who might be that person. Then initiate contact.

Now, what follows is not directed at you Roger, but at all members of CLM and ALM, male and female.

In that first contact, the message should be personally crafted to that exact person based on their self description and their stated interests, as well as their location. The person should be able to immediately feel that you are talking to them personally, and to no one else.

Your opening message should be clever, humourous if possible, and catchy but pithy. DO NOT send an encyclopedic description of yourself. Your first message must be designed to tell her or him just enough about you to make him or her wish to know more. After that you should drip feed further information about yourself through brief messages, and lengthier chats.

NEVER let yourself become boring to him or her. Boring someone is the kiss of death in online dating.

On the other hand, being interesting, humourus and a little mysterious almost guarantees that you will get to spend enough time with the person you are wooing to have a great chance of winning his or her heart. It can easily help you get past having average or even below average looks. It can easily overcome your less than stellar financial situation.

If you want to catch that person's attention and keep it, he or she must enjoy spending time with you online. He or she must look forward to getting to chat with you again. Find a way to be interesting to her or him.

I realize that sounds a lot easier to do than it is for many people. But if you make it your goal, you will find a way to do it. And you will then find a way to win your perfect match.

#2018-02-11 08:45:27 by RWByrum @RWByrum


@JohnAbbot

You've certainly given me a lot to think about, John.  I have to admit that my introductory messages have been woefully inadequate. Your advice is excellent except for the fact that it cannot always be followed.  There are a significant number of ladies on CLM who do not bother to complete the portions of the profile listing their interests or allowing them to describe themselves.  My almost perfect match was one of them.

Also, how long should one wait for a response before he can reasonably conclude that one is not forthcoming?

#2018-02-12 02:02:59 by anonymous16872 @anonymous16872

As a lady, I think you are reading too much into details.......On the one hand, it reflects how excited you were with your match,but sadly most online communication will come to nothing, so I suggest you not hold your breath or have too high expectactations....... If the match is interesting, we send msgs and if they don't respond, Next! There is not much time to waste, especially when we know so little about the other person, veiled behind all types of adjs and photoshopping. 

The other concern is that too much dwelling on online communication diverts one's attention and efforts from real life communication and dating as it creates a false sense of dating when we hardly know the other match. A face to face coffee meet for half an hour reveals much more than a few months of emailing and video chatting. You seem to be the type of person who tends to over analyze and invest emotionally early, please be careful.

#2018-02-12 23:18:20 by melcyan @melcyan

I understand the feeling of an "almost perfect match".  I have had that feeling myself when I used to be involved in online dating. However, when it is based on limited profile information and no other contact producing additional information, it needs to be clearly recognised for what it is. It is just a feeling. 

 

You certainly don't restrict your contact with others based on nothing more than a feeling generated by limited profile information and a few photos.

#2018-02-13 00:35:30 by RWByrum @RWByrum

@anonymous16872

How much one learns about another person depends entirely on how honest and open that person is, not on the medium one uses for the communication.  On the one hand, you can learn a great deal about another person through online communication if they are honest and open.  On the other hand, you will learn nothing about the other person, even in a face-to-face encounter, if they are dishonest.  I wonder if perhaps you are too cynical when it comes to online communication and too naive when it comes to face-to-face encounters.

Do I emotionally invest too much, too soon?   Perhaps.  But then, I find that the emotional investment carries its own return.  Also, I recover from disappointment rather quickly.  I get disappointed when things don't go well, but I don't get heartbroken.

Whenever I receive a digital image from someone, I check the properties.  The properties usually give me the characteristics of the camera that took the picture.  I once received an image where the properties listed "photoshop" as the source rather than the camera that took the picture.

Over analyze?  Perhaps.  But then again, I usually do a pretty good job of separating facts from opinions.  I usually don't confuse one for the other whether those opinions are my own or someone else's.  Just remember that close analysis is the best way of determining if someone is a liar in online communications.

#2018-02-13 00:52:15 by anonymous16876 @anonymous16876

@anon16872 truer words have not been spoken... I agree our poster is over analizing the correspondence between his almost perfect match and himself. If she had wanted to correspond with him she would have, no matter it is a holiday or not. Hope I am wrong but I do not think so. I agree an in person meet even for half an hour is better than email opr video chat BUT it is an expensive half an hour coffee meet as the man has to get to China to do so, then in that case it is better he has more than one coffee date lined up! 

@RWByrum I truly hope your almost perfect match is ok with you writing about her here. If not she might not be comfortable with it and disappear.... 

If a Chinese woman is interested in you she will respond even if it is a holiday. Do not forget you might be a woman's almost perfect match and they will not want to miss the opportunity with you!

 

Good luck Monsieur....

 

#2018-02-13 22:28:15 by anonymous16878 @anonymous16878

I was just sharing my personal experienc and I did it out of good intention, trying to offer my perspective and help....If one of the readers find it helpful, then I didn't write it in vain. It might save a few thousand RMB or dollors ;) You never know.

I think the way one responds to different opinions or comments, especially directed at oneself, reflects a lot of what type of person he or she is. I do appreciate your honesty and frankness. 

 

 

#2018-02-14 01:21:56 by RWByrum @RWByrum

I feel the need to make some comments about my blog in general and this series of articles in particular.  There are a  number of issues that I wish to touch upon here.  The first one is advice.

Truman Capote once wrote, "The brain may take advice, but not the heart..."  I have found that this particular quote applies to me more often than not.  That is not to say that I never take advice in matters of the heart, just that such advice has to been well conceived and carefully crafted.  So far, the only one here I see doing that is John Abbot.  He always avoids making absolute statements through the judicious use of qualifying language.  I imagine that this is the product of his legal training.  You can see this in the description of the typical Chinese woman which appears on CLM's English language home page.  The description is qualified by words such as "usually", "frequently", and "often".  I always evaluate advice before I ever consider applying it and considering the source is an important part of that evaluation.  That is why I always dismiss advice delivered anonymously.  Also bear in mind that I do not submit these articles for the purpose of soliciting advice from the readers.  All I am really doing here is sharing my experiences and even some of my thoughts.

About the articles themselves.  They published on the CLM website anywhere between one and a half to two weeks after they are submitted.  So, unlike the comments, they were not written the day before.  In fact, the various parts of My (Almost) Perfect Match were not written in the piecemeal fashion in which they appear.  The wrote the first four parts together as one continuous essay.  When I saw the final word count, I decided to subdivide it into individual articles.  I try to keep the word count of my articles between 1000 and 1500 words.  My (Almost) Perfect Match was over 4000 words long initially, so I divided into four parts.  Keep in mind that I originally wrote it last December.  I added some more material last week and since that pushed the total word count beyond 5000 words, I decided to subdivide Part 4 to produce a Part 5.

The pace of life is much faster than the pace of the publication of my blog.  Because of this, you people are actually giving advice about a situation that has already been resolved.  I think of dating as a form of negotiation.  Just as a businessman would never reveal the details of a negotiation before the deal was consummated, I would never post on this blog about an ongoing exchange with a potential match.  I felt free to write about this situation precisely because it had been resolved to my satisfaction.

I have also withdrawn from online dating, thus my quest for a lifemate has been suspended, at least temporarily.  How long will this suspension last?  I have no idea.  It might end next week or next month or next year.  Perhaps it will never end.  Nevertheless, I am optimistic about my future.

#2018-02-14 01:29:07 by RWByrum @RWByrum

Oh yes, I think I'll also share the rest of that Capote quote.  I find it quite interesting: 

"...and love, having no geography, knows no boundaries: weight and sink it deep, no matter, it will rise and find the surface: and why not? any love is natural and beautiful that lies within a person's nature; only hypocrites would hold a man responsible for what he loves, emotional illiterates and those of righteous envy, who, in their agitated concern, mistake so frequently the arrow pointing to heaven for the one that leads to hell. ”

#2018-02-14 14:09:05 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

Hmmm. I see that some explanation is required here. RWByrum, there are some good reasons (and some not so good reasons) why your blogs are not and usually cannot be published at as fast a pace as you might be creating and uploading them. 



It's unfortunate in some ways, such as because it interrupts the flow of events being described and thereby opens up the individual blogs to a torrent of advice giving that they might not have suffered had the parts been published daily instead of weekly just as you have indicated, and I'm sure that leads to frustration for the blogger.



On the other hand, while the advice is being directed at the blogger, and in spite of the blogger wishing not to have to deal with it, it is received by large numbers of other readers, and many of them are happy to receive the advice given in the circumstances laid out in th eblog because they often find themselves caught up in those same circumstances



And ultimately, in spite of what the individual blogger's goal is in writing any specific blog, the larger goal of the entire body of all the blogs is to help members of CLM recognize, understand and successfully solve the countless puzzles that accompany long term, cross cultural relationships between Western men and Chinise or Asian women. 



So the blogger's pain is the members/readers' gain.



The greater good for the greater number prevails.



Another reason why we don't publish the same blogger's new blog immediately after, or the next day, is that we've learned through experience that the blogs will not get as high a readership. By separating the publishing of a blogger's issues by at least 3 days, a great number more people read each of the issues. That's important for CLM, but it is also important for the blogger.



Another important reason why we don't publish one blogger's issues only 1 day apart is because usually more than one blogger has posted a new blog on the same day or shortly after. We generally try to post each new posting 48 hours after the last one, giving the readers a chance to find each blog and read them. But if one blogger were to post 5 new blogs in the same day, and other bloggers each posted 1 blog that day or in closely following days, we'd have to hold up posting their blogs for over 10 days, sometime for much longer. That seems fundamentally unfair to the other bloggers.



I know none of this is perfect, but hope that helps explain the delays in publishing your blogs, RWBynum.


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