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Born and raised in Maryland, USA, and attended the University of Maryland, but now living in Pennsylvania, RTByrum is an author and publisher of 9 books but does not make a living at it. His places traveled include Britain and China. His past marriage was to a Chinese woman for 3 years. He since claims to have found the secret to happiness and hopes to share that happiness with someone special, and through his blogs, perhaps also with you.
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Dating Chinese Women: My (Almost) Perfect Match, Part 2

By RWByrum
657 Views | 7 Comments | 1/26/2018 1:10:13 PM

Beautiful Chinese Woman

            I vividly remember a case on another dating website where I encountered a woman with three or four pictures in her profile.  Her primary picture showed her wearing a business suit.  I did not find that picture particularly attractive but there was another picture showing her riding a lawn tractor.  She was dressed casually and she was not wearing any make-up or jewelry and that was the picture that made me interested in her.  That was the picture where I felt she looked the most beautiful and that was the picture that attracted me to her.  If her primary picture had been the only picture on her profile, I would not have given her a second glance.  I certainly would not have tried to contact her.  Naturally, she was an Asian woman living in Virginia and at the time she was a couple of years older than me.

            Only on rare occasions did I ever view the profile of a woman who either did not post any photos of herself or had them password protected.  So far, I have only viewed the profile of one woman who did not post pictures and I have never requested the password for photos that were locked away.  If I cannot see what a woman looks like, I simply have no reason to be interested in her.  The philosophy of "never judge a book by its cover" was one that was frequently espoused but only very rarely practiced.  I once had a very brief e-mail exchange with a Chinese lady living in Georgia.  She was interested in me, but she could not see my profile pictures.  We were both on eHarmony at the time and you couldn't view the members profile pictures unless you were a paying member.  She asked me to e-mail her a picture of myself.  I promptly took a new picture, it is now my primary profile picture, and sent it to her.  I never heard from her again.

            I carefully read the profiles of women whose pictures I found sufficiently attractive that I regarded the woman as a potential lifemate.  I checked her profile against the profile of my ideal match.  I also checked my own profile against the profile of her ideal match.  No matter how attracted I may be to a woman, if I didn't measure up well against her ideal match, I would not bother to contact her.  I did not want to waste my own time and I certainly did not want to waste hers.  If the woman's profile came reasonably close to matching the profile of my ideal match and my profile came reasonably close to matching the profile of her ideal match, I added the woman to my favorites list.

            The women I chose to contact were always drawn from my favorites list, there have been no exceptions.  This was because I was looking for a wife, a woman to whom I intended to devote myself completely and with whom I intended to spend the rest of my life.  Obviously, I could not choose her without careful consideration.

            To give my readers some idea of just how selective I have been in choosing with whom I exchange messages, I present these facts.  I have viewed the primary profile pictures of over 10,000 women.  This was no exaggeration, I literally have viewed over 10,000 of them.  I know this because I once browsed 250 pages of the "newest member" list.  Of those 10,000, I have read the profiles of perhaps 1,000 women, one out of every ten.  The total number of women that I have ever added to my favorites list was 48.  The total number of women that I have ever contacted was eight.  How many of those eight have ever responded to any of my messages?  Zero.

            What about my almost perfect match?  She was the first woman I added to my favorites list and the first woman I contacted.  Now here was where things get a little more interesting.  I have indulged in online dating off and on for almost ten years now.  CLM was the ninth dating site I've joined.  In all of that time, I have noticed certain patterns in the behavior of the women I've contacted through online dating services.

            Whenever I first contact a woman, I began with a simple message introducing myself and inviting the woman to view my profile.  I also invited her to respond to my message if she finds me sufficiently interesting but I assured her that I understand if she does not.  Roughly half of the women who receive my messages will actually look over my profile while the other half won't bother at all.  The vast majority of the women who do take the trouble to view my profile never bother to respond.  The only women I ever receive replies from were those who were interested in me.

            Most women seemed to use the same methods of choosing their matches that I used.  They look over my profile pictures and read my profile.  Only the ones who were still interested afterward responded to my introductory message.  Usually, the women decided immediately whether or not they were interested.  Those who were not interested did not waste any further time on me.  The women I have encountered on CLM have all followed this pattern except for one.  The one exception was my almost perfect match.

            I joined CLM on the morning of September 24th.  I knew as soon as I discovered my almost perfect match that I was going to pay for a gold upgrade.  However, I still waited until after I had accumulated thirty women on my favorites list before I finally took the plunge.  I simply did not have much confidence that my almost perfect match would be all that interested in me.  My experiences with online dating had shown me that few women were seriously interested in me.  I was not a chick magnet by any stretch of the imagination and when I looked in the mirror, I certainly did not see Brad Pitt staring back at me.  That was why I decided to hedge my bets by contacting several women at once.  I had decided, quite arbitrarily, on five.

            To be continued...

Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
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(Showing 1 to 7 of 7) 1
#2018-01-26 13:09:47 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

There are two kinds of men who join CLM and ALM seeking a great life mate.

1. Those who proactively and diligently, in a determined, organized and thorough manner, search for those women who are close to their well defined ideal match, and then try to narrow the list of such women down to the ideal one. This group, of which you are one, RWByrum, is clearly in the minority.

2. Those who go through the last 300 or so to have logged in, superficially determine if they like what they see in each lady's photos and then contact all of the ones who turned them on in the slightest. This is the majority, and I confess that whe I first started Chinese and Asian dating online (as a dater I mean, not as an owner), I was a member of this group.

I'll be very curious to see which group various fellow members perceive themselves to belong to, and for those in Group 2, what do they think of the great detail and focus you brought to bear in your quest for true love.

For my part, I'm impressed with your search and like your chances of succeeding to find a great match who will be with you for life.

#2018-01-26 15:45:31 by RWByrum @RWByrum


@JohnAbbot

I'm not really comfortable with contacting multiple women at the same time.  This is partly due to the fact that I will only contact a woman if I feelt that she is a good candidate for lifemate and partly due to the fact that I don't want to break a woman's heart by communicating with her for a while only to dump her when someone better comes around.  I'm actually quite optimistic about my situation, more so than I was three months ago despite the fact that there really is no reason for that optimism.  I just have the instinctive feeling that something wonderful is about to happen if I only have enough patience to wait for it and enough perserverence to still be here when it happens.

#2018-01-27 12:39:25 by Map1 @Map1

Byrum, you're very methodical and know exactly what you're looking for. And I admire your perseverance. I hope and pray that you're almost perfect match does get back to you. She may be very busy. Take a look at Imi's blog and one of his experiences with a woman in that regard. My wife is very, very busy with her private English school and there seems to be a strong drive with many single Chinese women that I've interacted with. It is influenced by their personal and national history. They have a great need for financial security and find it difficult to trust a man due to previous experiences with Chinese men.

#2018-01-27 13:42:20 by RWByrum @RWByrum


@Map1

Thank you!  I am very optimistic about this situation, far more optimistic, in fact, than I was three months ago.  I had not considered the possibility that she has just been too busy.  That too would perfectly explain the fact pattern.  And I'll definitely keep your remarks in mind when I do get the opportunity to move forward.

#2018-01-27 13:51:03 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

@Map1 - you wrote:

"My wife is very, very busy with her private English school and there seems to be a strong drive with many single Chinese women that I've interacted with. It is influenced by their personal and national history. They have a great need for financial security and find it difficult to trust a man due to previous experiences with Chinese men."

Now this is what I was getting at when, a while back, I suggested you had a lot to offer Western men who are trying to meet and love a Chinese woman, and overcome the cultural differences in doing so. The paragraph above tells male members of this site, regardless of their own personal and cultural backgrounds, a ton about at least 90% of the women they are going to meet while dating Chinese women on this website.

You've said something that is so important, and in such a meaningful yet succinct way, that if a guy was to read the blogs every day for a year and this one message was the only one of value that her received, that year might well still be time well spent.

Any man reading this blog, go back and read the comment by Map1 above, and make sure it sinks in. Because he has informed you of a characteristic of most Chinese women. My best guess would be that of Chinese women in their late twenties and older, you could likely describe 70% or more of them as Map1 has. But, if you then add into the formula that they have declared an interest in meeting and loving a Western man, you've got to be up to at least 90% or higher of them.

And this characteristic of Chinese women is not a minor one. It will play a large role in your life with her should you choose to live with or marry such a Chinese woman. To expand a little on "they have a strong drive" as it relates to their "great need for financial security", this is likely to manifest itself, in an ongoing manner, in one of two ways:

1. She is going to be driven to be an excellent homemaker, and a good manager of money, and will drive you to be a good provider, a hard worker and as financially successful as your talents will allow; or

2.  She is going to be driven herself to be a good homemaker, a good money manager, as well as a good provider, a hard worker and as financially successful as her talents will allow, and she will expect the same of you.

Either way she will be expecting you to carry your share of the weight in creating a financially secure lifestyle that is guaranteed to last your lifetimes, and her expectation of that is not going to diminish over time, so if you are not delivering what is expected then you are going to hear about it daily until such time as you are delivering.

So, if you're the type of man who already is a hard worker, a good provider and at least somewhat financially successful, you're likely going to be a great match for #1 above, who will only help you become an even better version of yourself.

And if you also are already the type of man who doesn't mind chipping in in the household chores, even if it is not 50% of them, you're also going to be a good match for #2 above.

But, if you're the kind of guy who can barely be bothered to make his own bed, hasn't a care in the world so long as he can find enough income to live at or near the poverty level, and thinks financial security means always have cold beer in the fridge, then you are likely in for a world of grief if you partner with a normal Chinese woman of type #1 or #2.

You're looking for love in the wrong country, with the wrong women. 

#2018-01-27 14:04:31 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

@RWByrum - I don't quite understand what you mean that you're not comfortable contacting multiple women at the same time. When you wrote your contact messages out to 8 women, wasn't that all within a certain time.?If four of them had responded wouldn't you have felt ok getting to know all 4 for a little while, at least until you could feel a stronger attachemnt to one than the other 3?

I think that it is only fair in online dating that people be allowed to be friends with several members at the same time. Once it has gone beyond friendship with someone special then the other friends probably should be set free.

It's kind of like real world dating. It's okay to date a few people at once until one of them and you decide together that you want to make a mutual commitment to each other (going steady was how we put it in my day), and take the relationship into deeper territory.

Is that not how you see it, or am I missing your point somehow?

#2018-01-28 04:01:00 by RWByrum @RWByrum

@JohnAbbot

Part of my fundamental psychology is that I have enough of a regard for the feelings of the women I deal with in online dating that I have an aversion to causing them emotional distress by disappointing them.  This is why I am not comfortable contacting more than one woman at a time.  If I find myself communicating with two or more women simultaneously, there will inevitably come a time when I must break off with one of them and that will most likely result in disappointment and emotional distress.

Having said that, feeling uncomfortable doing something does not necessarily preclude me from doing it anyway.  Much depends on how important peforming the action is to me.  So finding a lifemate is worth enduring some discomfort.  Yes, I did contact five women silmultaneously.  At the time, I considered highly unlikely I would be contacted by more than one out of that five, or even by any of them for that matter.  In fact, none of them contacted me but one did show interest.  I didn't really understand why she didn't contact me but I believe that Map1's comment may well have provided the answer.

My usual practice when online dating is to contact the woman whom interests me the most, wait two days for a response and, if one is not forthcoming, move on to the next most interesting woman.

I would have been very much surprised if four of the women I initially contacted had responded.  What would I have done?  Well, I would have quite happily communicated with all four while watching for indications of which one was the best out of the four.  However, dismissing the other three would still have proven to be a sad duty.

I grew up in a rural area that was socially conservative and conformist.  It was not considered proper to date more than one person at a time, but then again, the type of preliminary socialization designed to determine if another person was suitable for a romantic relationship was not considered 'dating', either.

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