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Barry from Australia is a questioning soul who looks at social issues from an alternative point of view and instead of asking, “Why?”, he asks “Why not?” He’s convinced that many of his previous incarnations were spent in China. He feels drawn to the people there; attracted by their rich culture and way of life. If given one wish from God, he’d reply, “I want everyone on Earth to be the same colour, speak the same language, and treat each other as they themselves would like to be treated.”
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Dark Shadow of My Life

By Barry Pittman
1294 Views | 68 Comments | 5/23/2018 11:39:42 AM

"Dark recesses within the mind of maleficent man

Cloak unspeakable evil, hidden torment

Anger the starting point, for these to ferment"

 

I used to be an angry person.  Or more correctly, from time to time, my anger would suddenly explode, usually over nothing of serious consequence. Mostly I'd erupt over a relatively minor issue, certainly not something worth getting inappropriately stewed over, like some sort of out-of-control fool.

 

These intermittent bouts of belligerence used to paradoxically annoy the hell out of me. Of course, they also shocked the person I was admonishing! On every occasion, I possessed an acute insight into what was going down moment by moment, but yet felt oddly powerless to effectively control myself at the peak of each anger episode. By discussing this disturbing situation here now, any men out there feeling similarly inclined, who are wishing to meet a lovely Chinese or Asian lady, may hopefully learn a little from my dismaying experiences.

 

"This isn't me!", I'd often think to myself at the end of each attack, "I'm not an angry person!"

 

Then why would I do this?  Why would a normally mild mannered dude suddenly dive off his rocker into the deep end over something of no substantial importance?

 

These "Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde" episodes began when I was in my late forties and lasted with me until I was in my late fifties. About  a decade. A long period of time. Way too long as far as I was concerned.  Ten years too long!

 

"Speak offensively when you're angry and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret!"  Haunting words indeed in this truism, and oh, so true.

 

Thomas Jefferson once said, "Count to ten if you're annoyed... count to one hundred if you're angry".  How wise these words were and still are. To these I would add however, "Count to one thousand if you're about to explode!"

 

How impossible this wisdom was to help me however, at the time of each vitriolic outburst when I needed them the most!  This really frustrated me. Please note I'm not referring to reasonable anger when someone has a valid reason to be rightfully very annoyed, such as when a thief attempts to snatch your partner's purse or whatever. I'm referring to INAPPROPRIATE anger, where you blow your top off when it simply wasn't warranted to such a degree.

 

Typically I'd became irrational for normally just a few minutes, then slowly sanity would grudgingly return. I'd then feel like an utter imbecile for having acted so grievously, often toward a friend or family member, exacerbating the situation by a thousand fold. It wouldn't have been so bad had I flown off the handle at a stranger but this generally wasn't the case unfortunately. I seemed to specialise in performing spasmodic hissy fits at those closest to me. Awful indeed!

 

Please don't misunderstand me.  I wasn't a weird psycho or crazed crackpot or anything like that. I was just a bad tempered man on occasion. It would come bursting out on average just once a month. So for twenty-nine days out of  thirty,  I was completely normal.  But then suddenly and rather inexplicably, on day thirty, something would irritate me far more than what it should have.

 

Then bang!  My voice would rise and I'd start making a huge fuss over nothing, never actually yelling or screaming, but talking loudly and quite belligerently to whomsoever was the hapless victim.  Wrong place, wrong time for  the poor person involved.

 

To my continuing  and immense chagrin, this intermittent and out-of-character hostility was a big factor in the failure of my then marriage.  Even though I was quite rational for 99.9 per cent of the time, the point one per cent when I went off my rocker was over a period, shamefully sufficient enough to insidiously erode the love my wife felt for me.  As they say, becoming angry is like driving a nail into a piece of timber. Then later if you apologise, though the nail is removed, the ugly scar  - the dismaying memory  - of it will restively remain for many years afterward.

 

Fortunately my exwife and I are now friends, but the irrevocable damage has been done.  A bell once  tolled cannot somehow be unrung.  In her eyes, I will forever remain a ticking time bomb of volatile, ballistic emotion. I feel saddened at this but am forced to now lie on the abominable bed of nails that I had so bleakly created for myself.

 

As stated, in the calm light of day following my rancorous outbursts, I'd reflect back on the situation. Almost invariably, I'd feel a deep sense of regret at what had gone down. I remained extraordinarily puzzled as to what caused these very unexpected inflammatory meltdowns.  I knew within my heart of hearts that I wasn't a hostile, antagonistic nutcase. Yet actions speak louder than words. Once a month on average, I'd blast off, throwing a vociferous wobbly at someone by loud-mouthing and acting like a repugnant bully. A person best avoided at that time, for sure.... except there was no warning if or when an outburst would occur. I had no control of them, nor did anyone else.

 

Months passed. Then years passed.  About a dozen times per year, I'd act like quite an ill mannered person. I remained perplexed and nonplussed over the situation. Embarrassed and inwardly humiliated at my lack of self control. The fact that the episodes were so irregular - yet continuing - made their diagnosis and treatment all the more difficult. Sometimes I felt quite depressed about my borderline psychosis. Yet it was one possessed by thousands of similarly belligerent men, right across the globe. I was far from being isolated with this unpredictable mood-swing affliction.

 

My suffering wife kept telling me that I needed to see a psychiatrist, but I disbelieved her, given that over ninety-nine per cent of the time, I was completely stable.  I harboured no particular hostility or enmity toward anyone or anything, I simply occasionally had an unpleasant bad temper, like so many other ill tempered dudes out there. This erroneous rationale prevented me from seeking professional help.

 

Thankfully one day, a plausible explanation for the scrappy behaviour finally manifested. Halelujah! This then paved the way for effective treatment. I felt at once both enormously relieved yet enormously disheartened by what I'd been through for the preceding few years.  I wonder to this day, how many people - men in particular - have like me, confoundedly suffered through bouts of extreme irritability, the "Doctor Jekyll and Mr Hyde" syndrome. My Hyde being quite an unpleasant fellow indeed.

 

Further discussion on this compelling topic will continue in Part 2 of this blog. Thank you for your attention.

 

(To be continued)

Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
Comments
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#2018-05-23 11:39:23 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

@Barry1 - since you are going to provide us the diagnosis and cure for what ailed you, there's no sense my trying to go there. Not that I come remotely close to knowing what ailed you or how to stop it. So even if I did go there it wouldn't count for much.

So let me say that I have or had a similar affliction to yours. Not the same, but similar.

I occasionally get explosively angry at myself. This usually happens when I have been doing something for long hours, then suddenly something happens that makes all the time I have spent a complete waste. This doesn't happen a lot, maybe once or twice a year, but when it does, it is not pretty. It has not happened for a few years now so hopefully I am over it.

I'll give you the worst example to describe what I mean. 

I was home alone one day working on something on my computer. I can't even remember what it was. But it was something that involved a lot of lengthy, detailed writing. So after 6 hours of non-stop writing, without once thinking to click the save button, suddenly my computer just shut itself down.

6 hours of painful monotonous work down the drain, all because I never remember to save my work. I just instantly exploded at myself. I went nuts, screaming expletives at myself at the top of my voice. I knew I was on the edge of taking my computer and smashing it against the hardest object I could find, so I went outside and continued my rage out there. 

After about 5 minutes of screaming fit, I suddenly came to my senses and quietly snuck back into my house, aware that the neighbours had no doubt witnessed the entire childish fit. It turned out that they had not only witnessed it, but that they had been so concerned for my wife's sake (not aware that she wasn't home) that they were about to call the police when I suddenly setteld down and went silent.

As I say, this hasn't happened for a few years now, so I am hoping it is no longer an issue. But I iwll be waiting for your next post to see if the answer for you might also be applicable to my affliction.

#2018-05-23 18:51:17 by paulfox1 @paulfox1

@Barry1

@JohnAbbot

I remember back in the 1990's when a van that I owned was broken into. My (then) wife went ballistic, while I remained relatively calm. The fact that I remained calm actually made her even more angry, eventually accusing me of knowing who broke into it, or even orchestrating it myself.

The fact remains that there's NOTHING you can do to change that situation. Like John's story above, being angry at yourself doesn't make the situation better, you just have to learn from your mistakes.

There are some people who believe that humans often have a 'spiritual' experience, others, such as myself, believe we are all spiritual beings having a human experience. That human 'experience' is simply to LEARN.

Regret is futile. You can't do ANYTHING about it, so just don't make the same mistake again. Easy, really.

Getting angry solves NOTHING; doesn't change the situation; makes you feel like crap; upsets others; yet achieves zero !

 

Can't see the point, really.

#2018-05-23 22:47:21 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

@paulfox1 - I think that Barry makes it pretty clear that he knows full well that the anger serves no purpose. In fact I would suggest that is the primary focus of his article, the pointlessness and damage caused by the act of getting angry.

Likewise, I suggest that my comment and self admission also is directed at the absolute uselessness of explosive anger, even at one's self.

The problem isn't about whether or not it serves a useful purpose. It doesn't and that is self evident.

The problem is about the fact that it is an instant, explosive reaction that happens, beyond the control of the person suffering it. How to stop allowing it to happen? Or how to prevent it from happening?

You wrote:

You can't do ANYTHING about it, so just don't make the same mistake again. Easy, really.

Getting angry solves NOTHING; doesn't change the situation; makes you feel like crap; upsets others; yet achieves zero !

It is not a "mistake". A mistake is something you consciously do after considering the circumstances, which turns out to be the wrong thing ot have done.

This is an istantaneous, explosive reaction that a person doesn't even know they have had until they are already well into it. You are already ranting, raging, embarrassing yourself when your conscious mind catches up and realizes what is going on and brings your behaviour back to normal. Too late to have prevented the damage done.

Not simple at all!

If you don't suffer from the human failing that causes the explosive reaction, or haven't at least had to deal with it in others in an attempt to help them cure the failing, then you probably aren't qualified to proscribe simple cures, such as "stop doing that".

What did you do to try to help your wife get over her reactions of instant, explosive anger?  

Tell her to "get over it"?

#2018-05-24 00:05:51 by anonymous17246 @anonymous17246

Barry, insightful, well written, human. These periods of anger are simplimatic of a condition in men that tends to manifest itself in our forties and fifties, I am sure you know what it is so I will wait until your next blog to see. 

These anger outbursts are something I see alot in women(more so than men), especially Asian women. Something so little sets them off then boom! Out go the lights and out comes the anger, pity anyone in their sights, then like a switch being flipped it subsides and the lights come back on. Damage done can be life altering, not only to them but to all who know them.

"we were young once"

"civilzation cages the natural beast within a man"

#2018-05-24 03:55:17 by anonymous17248 @anonymous17248

I really appreciate this article, not that I have much value to add to this article I wanted to thank you guys for writing these events and feelings.

I also suffered a similar situation from about 35 to 45 years of age and that ended in divorce. Now 15 years older I seem to have left all of that behind thank goodness. I think for me removing and or reducing the stresses from my life has been life changing.

Bravo for speaking out, I think declaring this publicly would be helpful.

Looking very forward to the next article.

Lastly wanted to say CLM is the best site I have ever found, I have been able to communicate with several genuine lovely Chinese ladies which is what I wanted to do, I say to others in their pursuit just be patient, pay for the upgrade and then be patient. I have been very lucky to meet several ladies whom I feel very compatible with.

 

#2018-05-24 06:06:34 by Barry1 @Barry1


@paulfox1

 

"being angry at yourself doesn't make the situation better, you just have to learn from your mistakes"

 

Thanks for the comments, Paul.  But I knew full well what my mistakes were.  I had a very bad temper from time to time. Yet I felt utterly powerless to control it. So it was effectively impossible to learn from the error.  It was far from being as simple and uncomplicated as "learning from your mistakes".

 

 

"Regret is futile. You can't do ANYTHING about it, so just don't make the same mistake again. Easy, really."

 

You think it's easy, Paul?  Can I respectfully request that you reread what I wrote above. I can assure you it was NOT at all easy - far from it.  I had NO CONTROL over it, once it's ugly head popped up within me.

 

To digress, I also have a similar story to yours.  I was a passenger in a car driven by my then wife, when a lady in the car behind rammed us.  When we stopped, it was my wife who then started going off her brain at the inattentive driver.  It was ME who stepped up to the plate and calmed everything down.

 

The point of this anecdote is that I wasn't a nasty person normally.  Yet something spasmodically changed within me that caused me to become like this. I had hoped the article above clearly illustrated the sense of powerlessness that I felt on these occasions. 

 

Part 2 will elaborate on this invideous situation in more detail.

#2018-05-24 06:23:04 by Barry1 @Barry1


@JohnAbbot

 

"I think that Barry makes it pretty clear that he knows full well that the anger serves no purpose. In fact I would suggest that is the primary focus of his article, the pointlessness and damage caused by the act of getting angry."

 

Spot on, John!  I can see that you perceptively understand exactly what I was attempting to convey in my article. Great!

 

"This is an instantaneous, explosive reaction that a person doesn't even know they have had until they are already well into it. You are already ranting, raging, embarrassing yourself when your conscious mind catches up"

 

The mind boggles how much misery men (and to a lesser extent, women) with anger management issues cause over the time they're afflicted with this terrible condition.  The very fact that it's so unpredictable increases its potential for damage, because no one around you can prepare for it. It often strikes like a bolt of lightning, from out of nowhere!

 

In my case, I invariably feel shame and regret when I had bawled someone out so needlessly.  But yet, at the time, rationality was impossible. What an unedifying, unpleasant lose/lose scenario for everyone involved.  (doh)

 

 

#2018-05-24 18:48:54 by Barry1 @Barry1


@anonymous17246

 

"Barry, insightful, well written, human..."
 

Thanks for the comments, Anon 17246.

 

Yes, this period of my life was akin to living with a powder keg inside myself.  Every now and then it would set itself off and I was powerless to fully control it.  Thank heaven I never reached the next level where physical violence became involved.

 

"These anger outbursts are something I see alot in women (more so than men), especially Asian women."

 

I'm surprised at this, as I thought men were worse in the anger department?

 

It's interesting also that you mention Asian ladies having a short fuse...  I'd love to hear some example of this!  :o

 

 

 

 

#2018-05-24 18:58:36 by Barry1 @Barry1


@anonymous17248

 

"I wanted to thank you guys for writing these events and feelings."

 

Thanks for this, Anon17248.  The article is indeed based on truth... my sad reality.  Thank heaven I'm past this stage now, but at the time, it was a shocker when the anger bouts afflicted me. Terrible!

 

"CLM is the best site I have ever found, I have been able to communicate with several genuine lovely Chinese ladies which is what I wanted to do, I say to others in their pursuit just be patient, pay for the upgrade and then be patient"

 

The owner of the site is John Abbot and his dear Chinese wife. Sometimes I think John must feel akin to a high school headmaster, trying to put up with all the weird and wonderful goings on that occur in this blog and forum area of the website!

 

In all seriousness though, the site is excellent.  Ladies here are genuine also, there are no fake profiles to attempt to deceive men into subscribing to the site.

 

One day maybe you'd like to write a few words and share with the rest of us some of the experiences you've had in meeting ladies here?  Perhaps you'll even make a trip to China itself, meeting someone special? What a grand story that would make!

My best wishes to you, Anon17248.  (y)

 

 

 

 

#2018-05-24 19:39:44 by paulfox1 @paulfox1


@Barry1

You have shown, beyond doubt, that people 'change'. In your comment above you said that it was YOU who calmed your ex-wife down at that time, yet you are now admitting that you 'fly-off-the-handle' on occasion. That's because you have changed as a person. What caused that change?

I know it may sound flippant, but something CAUSED that change in you, and if you want to reverse it you need to try your best to find out what it was.

 

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