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John Abbot is co-owner of Married to a lovely Chinese Lady and living in China, John knows and respects China, Chinese Women, Chinese People and Chinese Culture. His blog will include good stuff about Online Dating, Chinese Women, International Relationships and Things Chinese. Join John Abbot on Google+
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Cybersex Resolution: Preventing Members from Unduly Pressuring Others to have Cybersex    

By John Abbot
3625 Views | 6 Comments | 10/21/2012 3:13:52 PM

Unduly pressuring someone for cybersex will not be tolerated, but neither will false reporting.

I admit that I’ve pretty much beat this to death, and thank you all for your patience while we’ve been trying to sort it out amidst incredible pressures coming from other sources. I’ll try to make this brief, since the last posting basically already advised what we feel we can (and cannot) do to police this issue. At risk of being incredibly redundant let me say this is not about restricting consenting adult members from enjoying cybersex on or off our sites – we do not feel that is any of our business. It is about preventing members from rudely and obnoxiously pressuring other members to have cybersex and received a clear “No thanks”.

So in an attempt to prevent the latter from happening on CLM and ALM we intend to institute the following program:

1. Placing clear and easily found information on both the Chinese and English pages advising members that while cybersex is not discouraged or encouraged by CLM/ALM, no one should feel that they must participate if they are not comfortable doing so, and that it is by no means “customary” for persons in any culture, including especially Western cultures, to insist upon cybersex being part of an online dating relationship. No one should feel the slightest reluctance to say “no” to participating in cybersex if they do not wish to do so, and once having said “no” they should not be subjected to any further pressure of any kind to relent.

2. Placing similarly clear and easily found information warning members who do unduly pressure members to participate in cybersex that if such behavior is complained of more than once, and after a thorough investigation we find it to have happened on a high balance of probability, the offending member will be removed from the website(s).

3. Add this as a reason for reporting a member when the “Report this Member” button on a member’s profile is clicked. Add the “Report this Member” button to the chat window so a member can be reported instantly upon committing the offence. We will also add the Blacklist button to the Chat window. (We do not wish to get into the practice of monitoring and/or saving video chat. At present we are not able to see what members are doing on a video chat and we prefer to keep it that way. In future we may reconsider this if it seems necessary.)

4. Every time a member is reported for this offence, the report will be noted on both the membership of the accused member and the membership of the accusing member. When a member is reported a second time by a different member than the first time we will be immediately notifying the accused member of the second complaint and requiring the member to be interviewed by the website. Likewise, however, any member who files a second report against a different member than the first report will also be required to be interviewed by us. Those interviews will be to determine if there is a need for a detailed investigation including reviews of onsite behavior and interviews with other members who have been in contact with the reported member and with the reporting member.

5. If the reported member is found to have been unduly pressuring members into having cybersex then he/she will be removed from the site(s). Likewise, however, if the reporting member is found to have been reporting members for this offence frivolously for alternative reasons, then that member will be removed from the site(s).

There is one extremely important caveat that everyone must be aware of – we will not police behavior that happens off of our site. In other words, if the victim has joined the aggressor on QQ, then the victim will have to complain to QQ (and good luck with that one). We will be strongly recommending that members stay on site until a real relationship has developed between them.

So the bottom line is don’t put pressure on anyone to have cybersex with you. Ask them politely and pleasantly if they would be interested in participating in cybersex (or online nudity, etc.) but once you receive a clear “no” to your request STOP ASKING or you may find yourself being cancelled as a member.

The bottom line for reporting members is do not report someone for this offence unless it is true. If you are found to have reported someone out of spite rather than because the offence really happened, you may find yourself being removed as a member.

We hope the very existence of these rules and possible results of breaching them will act to discourage anyone from actually committing the offence, and that as a result we’ll never get a report of such an offence occurring, and that you can all get back to having a pleasant dating experience while hopefully finding a great match.

Thanks for your time and patience in going through this process with us.

Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
(Showing 1 to 6 of 6) 1
#2012-10-23 22:58:33 by gaspasser @gaspasser

Good job John...I think the guidelines you have set forth should solve the problem here. There are plenty of other sites where that kind of behavior is not only accepted, it is encouraged, so people who want to engage in it should have no problem doing so...somewhere else other than here. Well done.


#2012-10-28 23:40:24 by Jessie0801 @Jessie0801

Very good!

#2012-11-02 20:46:52 by carber911 @carber911

interesting topic... Agreed John... What I dont understand is how this happens in first place..... Although I am much younger, I guess I could see this happening more often with older people who act like young babies.

I really dont see cybersex as real in the least bit, especially does not turn my on or push any buttons.... Theres nudity all over the internet.

If you want to have sex or any relationship growing into anything, then you need to build a foundation by making first hand contact and visiting the person face to face. If the attraction is still there, then you can feel free to love however you both shall desire.

#2012-11-13 21:06:45 by sandy339 @sandy339

Hi John
I like here members could communicate with each other so cool !

May I ask how to start my own blog here ? I have so many to say....

#2012-11-14 14:07:00 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

@sandy339 - If you or anyone is interested in blogging the best thing to do is write to - put "Attn: John Abbot" in the subject line - and explain to me in your message why you'd like to blog and what types of topics you are interested in blogging about. It may take a couple of days but I will get back to you. Thanks for your interest.

#2013-02-18 02:42:18 by otherhalf @otherhalf

Does anyone realize it is actually possible to abstain from sex?
Not only is that possible, but one can do it for years.

I would add that cyber-sex originated from websites that have some of the most horrible things on them that well, I don't think a Chinese woman could even conceive of such things.

Consider this... Is a person who wants immediate gratification interested in a long term relationship where they would ever put the partner first? I think not. I don't even think they would be good material for growth into that person. A person who is only interested in themselves, is not even good relationship material. Blacklist them and move on.

Yes, the subject is complex enough that I believe BOTH the woman and the website share responsibilities. Not only should there be a rank system behind the scenes at the website runs by its administrators, but the woman needs easy blacklisting capabilities. Both need special tools.

Additionally the website needs to save all information concerning the abuser in case the abuser turns out to be feeding other adult websites with the video material, etc., etc. The whole thing could turn into a police case later and if the website has nothing to show, it will be at least entertained as a willing participant by the authorities.

Everyone protect thyself.
Don't be TOO liberal in your thinking.

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