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A writer for CLM Magazine and CLM Social Pages, Achelle is also an independent blogger, giving her two cents on personal and social issues from an educated Filipina's point of view, especially those relating to love and relationships. She has a knack for tackling issues from unique angles that are often left unexplored, posing questions that move and challenge readers to view a certain issue from a wholly different perspective. Achelle is happily engaged to her childhood sweetheart and is currently based in the Philippines. Achelle's writing is a delight to read and highly enlightening, entertaining and thought provoking. You're going to see lots of her on our Emagazine, Blogs, Social Pages and Hubs. Enjoy
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Cross-Cultural Relationships From a Pragmatic Point of View    

By Achelle Vinzon
4530 Views | 12 Comments | 5/6/2013 2:29:17 PM

Whether or not a relationship succeeds depends on how two people feel about each other at the end, not at the beginning.

Fact: Many foreign men prefer Asian women as partners because of their looks

Fact: Many Asian women prefer foreign men as partners because of the good life they can give them.

Fact: Everyone has their standards and preferences when choosing a mate, but this does not rule out the possibility of love.

Many foreign men do have honest intentions of finding love and marrying an Asian woman; and there are times when they are confronted by the possibility that an Asian woman they are dating may only want to be with them to get a visa and live abroad. For many Asian women, having a foreign visa does present many great opportunities. But not all of them are only after a foreign visa.

Many Asian women also have honest intentions of finding love and marrying a foreign man; and they are aware that how they look is often a huge factor why foreign men want them as a mate. Many foreign men do find the delicate features of the women of Asia very appealing, indeed. But this does not mean that their attraction is only an Asian fetish.

The fact is, no matter where we come from and regardless of our cultural background, we all have personal preferences and standards by which we choose our ideal mate. At the same time, we also want to find love and to have an ideal marriage.

Sure, there are those with selfish motivations for wanting to marry someone; those whose choice of a partner are self-serving. There are those who do not care about love at all, as long as their selfish needs are satisfied.

It is also true, however, that our expectations and desires with regards to finding a mate and marriage are self-serving to a certain degree. We have needs that we need our partner need to be able to satisfy; this is true in any relationship. But the presence of love always makes a big difference.

For many of us, love doesn’t just happen; certain conditions have to come together so that the seed of love can be planted and can bloom.

It can be said that love follows or grows when we meet someone who fits our idea of what an “ideal” partner should be. Oftentimes, we initially become attracted to someone who has the physical features we like or traits we admire; later on, stronger feelings develop and deeper connections are formed after we get to know them better and realize how much we have in common with them and/or discover more admirable traits they possess.

Other times, no initial physical attraction occurs, but stronger feelings still develop after getting to know each other better, especially after we realize that that person can satisfy many of our needs and desires.

Many (well-intentioned) foreign men who find Asian women physically captivating also admire them for other non-superficial characteristics they possess, which these foreign men believe make them very ideal life mates. In short, Asian women fit their personally-defined “criteria” of what an ideal partner/wife should be. Being with their ideal woman often means being in an ideal relationship/marriage, where mutual needs are satisfied and where love and happiness are also present.

Many (well-intentioned) Asian women who find foreign men attractive because of the opportunity for a better life they represent also admire them for other non-material “benefits” they can offer, especially as lifetime partners. Foreign men also fit their personally-defined mold of what an ideal partner/husband should be. Being with their ideal man also means having their needs satisfied, creating an environment that is also ideal for love to blossom.

Many relationships become mutually beneficial because two people love each other. Sometimes, it’s the other way around – two people learn to love each other because they satisfy each other’s needs. For the latter to happen, two people must give themselves the opportunity to know each other on a deeper level; they must not be too quick to judge and reject each other based on their individual definitions of what an ideal mate is. Otherwise, they might miss out on a real chance at finding real love.

While each of us has our personal preferences and standards when choosing a mate, these preferences and standards are not always absolute, nor are they always black and white, whether we realize it or not. Most of the time, they are just starting points or guidelines or general ideas. Following this line of reasoning, if a foreign man finds out that one of the expectations of a woman he’s interested in is to acquire a visa, he should not be too quick to jump to the conclusion that that is all the woman is after. An Asian woman must also realize that not all foreign men who are attracted to Asian women only have an Asian fetish or are superficial.

In the real world, relationships are rarely like the happily-ever-after ones in fairy tales. Of course, romance can still be had, and the elements of hope and faith should still be present. At the same time and especially when it comes to cross-cultural relationships, there are certain realities that require a pragmatic attitude and approach. And then, the romance, the hoping, and the taking a leap of faith can follow. And love will blossom where it may.

Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
Comments
(Showing 1 to 10 of 12) 1 2 More...
#2013-05-06 19:54:29 by anonymous6138 @anonymous6138

"Fact: Many Asian women prefer foreign men as partners because of the good life they can give them. "

This statement is not true any more to most Chinese women who are looking for a foreign man.
A life without all your firends and closed reletives around you, a life that one need to adapt to a totally new environment and a new langauge, a life that one can not be financial independt while back home you have a good job with good income? ....
Do you call it a good life?

I am looking for a foreign husband, simple reason: I feel they are good looking, more masuline. And I have a screte wish: I want a mixed baby who is smart and good looking.

#2013-05-07 01:25:24 by ernest19wood45 @ernest19wood45

Extremely well written and gets to the heart of the subject .

#2013-05-08 00:38:33 by madmac @madmac

this reply is directed to anonymous6138. All as I can say to you is good luck in that endeavour. I am sure you will find lots of foreign men lining up.... NOT!

Aside from your shallow reasons of having a mixed baby, foreign men are better looking and more masculine etc...why are you even on this site? You sound so bitter and angry.

Good luck and I hope things work out for you.


Madmac

#2013-05-08 09:30:26 by Mel1961 @Mel1961

@anonymous6138 The beauty of your situation is a very simple solution. One that would both save you the heartache of a potential failure of a future marriage, and save the gentleman another court appearance for his next divorce. Pragmatically speaking... a SPERM BANK is your perfect solution.

You can get the desired traits you seek, the physical attributes you admire, and the genetic offspring result you crave.

After you've accomplished all those things, be sure to tell the new and precious life how much you loved their.... sperm donor?


#2013-05-08 11:00:07 by pourquoipasamour @pourquoipasamour

@AchelleVizon I personally feel that the only thing that really unites two people is love, nothing but love. Beauty, sex appeal, financial security etc, can create a temporary bond (like glue that you buy in a Dollar store), but wears out with time. Yes, Asians are exotic and do attract Western men, but if this is solely the reason why the guy is attracted to her, in five years at best he will drop her for someone younger or prettier to his eyes. The same way, if an Asian girl is into her western partner for his looks only, she will find someone more handsome along the way. Some say that Asian men are not the champions of loyalty in the world and perhaps Asian girls think that Westerners are more loyal than men in their countries. Well, there are cheaters in the West too. Some Westerners may think that Asian girls are more loyal, but I bet you that there are plenty of cheaters in Asia too. We can not generalize. In the past, when I chatted with a few Filipinas, I heard from them that they disliked their darker skin (some used even used some kind of cream to "lighten" their skin), they disliked being short (sic). I was so surprised. In my country (Brazil) the girls do anything they can to get a deep tan even risking a serious skin problem and Brazilian guys also prefer "petite" girls, with big bottoms, small breasts, feminine and with small feet ..... Human beings are so weird sometimes. The "to get financial security, a better life etc", may apply to some Southeastern Asian girls, but Chinese ladies are doing very well, they do not need a man to support them, there are plenty of good jobs and opportunities in their own country. Even if they were looking for a successful professional or business man, there are tens of thousands in their own country. I am very happy with my Chinese lady that in just about a month or so (I am counting the days hehehehehe) will become my wife and I will NEVER take her for granted, I will make sure that I will win her love each and every day. Yes, she is a very attractive and beautiful young woman, extremely intelligent and sweet, but honestly, it was her SOUL and heart of gold that made me fall hopelessly in love for her. Yes, I admire and respect an intelligent woman, feminine, etc, she has all the qualities that are important to me. Well, I am in an Asian site, so it was natural that I would end up meeting an Asian lady in statistical terms. But I am not marrying he because she is Chinese, beautiful, intelligent or exotic, I will marry her because I LOVE HER. So let us not create stereotypes or concentrate on obsolete formulas. I always applied a simple equation in my life, the total sum of pros, should exceed the total sum of cons...... I wish good luck to everybody, there are lots of good ladies in this site and the ladies will be able to find good and decent guys too. Never give up !!!!

#2013-05-08 21:36:47 by anonymous6149 @anonymous6149

Great, seems that all men here would love to be the supporter for poor Asian women, no matter from China or elsewhere.

Then why you guys complaint about women seeking for visa, gold digger ..... ?

Just provide to them to compansate for their sacrefises for leaving their home their parents their friends.

secondly, why you guys can look for beautiful women for mate, but when women say want to look for handsome guy as husband will ofend you?!

To me, yes, I like handsome men, just like you guys like beautiful women.
I didnt see anything wrong there.

#2013-05-08 21:45:21 by anonymous6150 @anonymous6150

Thanks Mel for reminding about sperm donor.
Good idea :) and as i know in many western countries they do have this sort of services to women. and it is nothing odd about it.

If anyone insult the kid from a sperm donor, or the single mother. he will get into big trouble.

#2013-05-09 15:32:49 by AchelleVinzons @AchelleVinzons

Thank you for all the feedback!

I am actually a romantic at heart, but I also realize that pragmatism/rationalism also has an important place when seeking a mate and in relationships.

Those on this site searching for love and their Mr. or Ms. Right still start off with a set of standards... we all have to start somewhere, right? Sometimes, this set of standards works; sometimes, it doesn't. Sometimes, we meet a person who does not fit what our standards but love grows anyway. Other times, love grows because the other person is exactly who we've always wanted.

This is not about creating or encouraging stereotypes. The stereotypes, unfortunately, still persist. But just because a certain person fits a stereotype, that should not automatically make him/her suspect. The overall message I'm hoping to get across is that we all deserve the benefit of the doubt... unless, of course, the person is obviously a scammer, then please report them to John. :)

#2013-05-22 22:13:51 by Andypanda @Andypanda

Hi AchelleVinzons. I think your blog is a great one and covers almost everything.
Most importantly you emphasize how we are all different and are all after something a little different to the next guy/girl.
Some commenter s dont seem to have read your words carefully as they make points that you already made.
As for @anonymous6138 who wants a handsome man to give her a mixed race beautiful baby.
SO WHAT !
Thats her right and her choice. I dont believe this automatically means she wants to divorce him as soon as this beautiful baby is born. It also does not mean her relationship will last any less length of time than those who criticize her.
There is only one guarantee in any relationship and that is "that there are NO guarantees".
To those who judge her harshly, get off your high horse.

#2013-11-28 15:31:53 by Barry1 @Barry1

@AchelleVinzons

"For many of us, love doesn’t just happen; certain conditions have to come together so that the seed of love can be planted and can bloom."

I have a suspicion - rightly or wrongly - that many (certainly not all, of course), Asian ladies are like this. That is, they often take a pragmatic view along the lines of marry first, love later - as paraphrased by the following:

"Well, he's not really very good looking... yet he's not too ugly either... and he seems to be an honest, sincere man... and he has a steady job in a nice country with plenty of blue sky and good living conditions... and he tells me that he loves me... I don't mind him too much either, even though I say a little white lie by telling him that I love him also... I have a feeling that love may grow sometime down the track, once we know each other more... so at this stage, I'd better agree to his proposal of marriage, because if I don't, he'll simply grab another Asian lady."

To digress, I have another theory. Is it true that in situations where love matures slowly, that it'll often be ultimately more enduring?

Is quick love potentially a little fleeting? You know, fast in - fast out?

Is it better then to marry someone who perhaps initially wasn't immediately smitten by you, but whose love grew ever more steadily over a longer period of time?

Is "love at first sight" a phenomenon to be avoided, a red flag, if you will? Maybe the feelings here will die almost as quickly as they germinated?

The problem here is that there are no hard and fast rules. Every situation is unique in its own way, dammit. This makes this whole area of love and romance simultaneously both delightful yet extremely challenging.

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