Chinese Women, Asian Women, Online Dating & Things Chinese and Asian
A writer for CLM Magazine and CLM Social Pages, Achelle is also an independent blogger, giving her two cents on personal and social issues from an educated Filipina's point of view, especially those relating to love and relationships. She has a knack for tackling issues from unique angles that are often left unexplored, posing questions that move and challenge readers to view a certain issue from a wholly different perspective. Achelle is happily engaged to her childhood sweetheart and is currently based in the Philippines. Achelle's writing is a delight to read and highly enlightening, entertaining and thought provoking. You're going to see lots of her on our Emagazine, Blogs, Social Pages and Hubs. Enjoy
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Choices, Choices, Choices    

By Achelle Vinzon
3058 Views | 4 Comments | 10/26/2014 2:39:40 PM

Initially, in every relationship, the choice is simply to begin to develop it or not.

Picture this: A man and a woman who had just started dating, fall victim to the twisted humor of fate and find themselves stranded on an island, thousands of miles from civilization.  They both realize it’s a good thing that they have gotten along so well so far; the physical attraction between them has only gotten stronger, in fact.  An emotional connection has already started to deepen and, as all early relationships go, they have only explored the shallow waters of how much their minds also fit together.  But they both agree that they are lucky to be stranded on an island together, instead of with a complete stranger or somebody they disliked. 

Because they already have that initial connection between them, facing the challenges of surviving in an isolated place with nothing but their wits, instincts, and whatever skills they have to aid them was not as scary as it would have been otherwise.  Being with somebody that they actually liked certainly made their unfortunate plight seem less so. 

Indeed, because they had to rely on each other to survive, they only grew stronger together and as individuals.  Along the way, they learned more about each other’s flaws and they learned to accept them.  There were times when they also learned to compromise and even change for the other person to make their relationship better, because all they have, after all, is each other.  Soon, the initial attraction turned into love.  Their emotional connection got deeper not because of the interdependence forced on them by their situation, and their minds complemented each other not because they thought alike, but because they sustained each other and learned to live in harmony despite their differences.

The elements tested their strength as individuals and as a couple, and they survived; their individual natures also threatened to shred their bond, but they fought against them.  One clear night, lying on the beach and watching the earth rotate through the passing of the stars, they asked themselves if they would have lasted together in the real world.  Would their deep love for each other have developed if they were put in a different kind of difficult situation?  Would they still have made the right choices for the success of their relationship if they were given a different set to choose from in the real world? 

Picture this:

The same, two people date a few times, decide they like each other enough, and commit to a more serious relationship. 

Physically, the attraction only got more intense as the weeks passed.  As they spent more time with each other, after work and during the weekends, when they’re not spending time with their respective friends, their emotional bond also grew stronger.  They liked many of the same things, shared the same hopes for the future, so they also connected on a mental level. 

During the so-called honeymoon phase of their relationship, they only saw all the great things about each other, and consciously or unconsciously ignored the quirks and flaws that would have bothered them otherwise.  They did not agree on absolutely everything, but they often and happily skipped over any would-be arguments so that they could simply enjoy each other’s company. 

Soon, however, their individual lives got in the way as life is wont to do.  His friends wouldn’t stop ragging him about being “whipped”; her career ambitions wouldn’t stop demanding more of her time.  Attention from other women made him wonder if he was getting too serious with his girlfriend too fast; and she began to doubt if he was ready for a long-term commitment.  He started to feel that she was becoming too needy; she started to feel neglected. 

They could have talked things out, but there always wasn’t time or there was always something “more important” to deal with.  Their circumstances which influenced their individual mindsets prevented them from realizing that they were right for each other.  Eventually, they forgot that they used to share the same hope of making their relationship last, that they both have the same dreams of having a family in the near future, and that there was a time when they believed the other to be The One.  Their individual priorities that didn’t seem to fit into their relationship started looming large, creating a bigger and bigger gap between them.  Finally, their relationship fell apart.

They say choice is just an illusion.  The choices we are given are limited by the circumstances we find ourselves in.  But then again, the choices that we make can change our circumstances and if we realize this, only then can we have real control over our lives.  Taking control of our own choices and circumstances means knowing what we want and realizing when we have found something worth keeping.   

Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
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#2014-10-26 15:14:39 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

This is another great read Achelle. In the end, the decision we make with regard to our relationships is whether to let them succeed or fail. We can choose to let our relationships fail over and over again, relationship after relationship, but we can only make the final decision to let one succeed once.

I've personally made the decision to let a long term relationship fail a number of times, and in hindsight I realize that at least a couple of those times I made a mistake. However, now I believe I've made the final decision to let my current relationship succeed. Hopefully she's made the same decision, and hopefully neither of us change our mind.

But I guess we can't know for sure the decision to succeed in the relationship was final until both of us are dead. Isn't that a discouraging thought?

#2014-10-28 04:49:50 by ZootMurph @ZootMurph

Wow, this is an amazing article. And very accurate from my experience.

Thank you very much Achelle for the insightful and thought provoking submission.

#2014-10-28 14:57:58 by melcyan @melcyan

Great blog Achelle. When you look at case studies of great relationships you get the impression that they would survive a vast range of circumstances.

You wrote “They say choice is just an illusion.  The choices we are given are limited by the circumstances we find ourselves in.”

Circumstances include our family and friends, our jobs, hobbies and interests, our living space, our beliefs, values and habits. Everyday we remake ourselves anew. Our habits only seem like they are beyond change but that is an illusion. Each day we have the opportunity to reinforce them or replace them. Our good habits need to be reinforced but the bad habits need to be replaced with ones that better serve our needs. We are never too old to change for the better.

You finished by saying  “But then again, the choices that we make can change our circumstances and if we realize this, only then can we have real control over our lives.  Taking control of our own choices and circumstances means knowing what we want and realizing when we have found something worth keeping.”   

Better choices definitely change our circumstances for the better. While we can never have real control, we do have the power to better meet our needs by making better choices. Isolated on the island the relationship focus is on needs rather than wants. Successful relationships focus on meeting needs rather than wants and in particular emotional needs.

#2014-10-30 16:38:37 by zqy2014 @zqy2014

Good article!

In spite of circumstances and voices around do have been constantly influencing us every day on all aspects but the most important element is still the person self.It says "cope with shifting events by sticking to a fundamental principle".If we are very sure and firmed on "who we are" and "what we want" at the very beginning, the relationship can be tested but can't defeat under all circumstances.

Basing on this, if we are not sure "who we are" and "want we want", we actually don't have the ability to make the choice especial choose the right person for us.Bascially,when we feel we are not sure and confused on something or some point, it always remind us we are away from that point and we need figure out something before that.

Thanks for sharing.

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