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Peter lived for nearly a half-decade in China, including two as a Peace Corps volunteer, and is the author of Socrates in Sichuan: Chinese Students Search for Truth, Justice and the (Chinese) Way. It is the intention of his blog to foster the sort of intercultural understanding necessary for long term relationships.
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Chinese Women Waiting in Vain    

By Peter V
9709 Views | 32 Comments | 7/27/2013 3:43:12 PM

Recently I’ve heard some distressing things from Chinese women. For once, it did not involve my limited prospects with them. Rather, the discussions in question concerned their attitude towards the process of finding long-term relationships. In a relatively short period of time, several different China women from very different age groups all expressed the same sentiment to me: they believed that if they just wait around and go about their days as usual that love will find them, that they have to make no special effort because you cannot go out and look for love but must wait for it to find you.

What makes this attitude especially odd is that these women readily admit that in every other significant area of life, this laissez faire attitude is unacceptable. If you want to learn a foreign language, master a musical instrument, get into a good a college, travel the world, send your child abroad, advance in your career, lose weight, or achieve physical health—indeed, if you want to accomplish anything worthwhile--this will require great energy and effort. But somehow they think that the one thing that contributes to our happiness more than anything else is just going to fall into their laps.

The ironic thing is that traditional Chinese culture contains a proverb that criticizes this attitude: Shǒu Zhū Dài Tù: “standing by a tree stump, waiting for more hares to dash themselves against it.” The story goes that there was a farmer who was out in his field one day when a rabbit came racing by, ran into a tree stomp and knocked itself out, thus providing the farmer with free food. Every day following that, the farmer went out and stood by that tree stump and waited for another rabbit to come crashing into it. Unsurprisingly, the fortuitous event never repeated itself. The story is used to criticize those who wait foolishly for chance or luck, which is precisely what these women are doing.

Of course there is a good reason why women (and men) want to believe that love will just happen. It saves them all the hard work of meeting people, joining dating sites, going on dates, and more than occasionally getting rejected. They are like people who buy lottery tickets hoping to get rich rather than develop a career. But they are even worse off than the person who plays the lottery, because at least the person who plays the lottery has a chance of winning, while the person who sits on the sideline waiting for love to happen is guaranteed to be disappointed.

A further point is that even if—miracles of miracles—they happen to stumble across someone in this manner, this passive attitude is bound to doom the relationship. This is because if finding a relationship takes work, keeping a relationship going takes a lot of work—as any couple with a successful long term relationship will tell you. And a woman who thinks maintaining a healthy relationship just happens is going to ultimately be alone again.

I realize that I am preaching to the choir here since you Chinese women have all taken the step of joining China Love Match and taking an active role in your romantic future. I hope at least these words provide some solace so that when things get tough at least you can remind yourself that by seriously participating in online Chinese dating you are doing something to achieve your romantic ideal and not merely waiting for the rabbit to hit the tree.

Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
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(Showing 1 to 10 of 32) 1 2 3 4 More...
#2013-07-27 16:31:34 by yanchang @yanchang

you may not find out the bright and active lady of chinese lady , there are lot of fine with educated women here, i can't say your point is wrong but depending on life or business surroundings of where you have been , right ?bad persons all over the whorld.
by the way , i am chinese girl .

#2013-07-27 16:53:04 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

Peter, I like your point here and think it's important for members to give it some serious thought, both male and female. To take it a step further than you have, many members of dating sites, including CLM and ALM, take the approach that they've filled in the minimum detail required to join, not even bothering to post a photo, and now it's time to sit back and wait for the attention to come pouring in. Of course it never does.

It isn't enough to simply join the site, you need to be proactive and be studying the profiles, contacting the ones who are appealing to you, and communicating seriously with those who respond. Otherwise you are also simply waiting for the rabbit to hit the tree, which, as you have suggested, is guaranteed to fail.

#2013-07-27 18:42:41 by anonymous7018 @anonymous7018

I would prefer to think that finding someone who we are 'compatible' with, will take some major effort, and it could be years of it. Finding the right mix to get the blood moving for both parties isn't all that easy is it? I sincerely doubt the first cab off the rank will take you directly to your destination officer, so be prepared to put in some hard yards over the obstacle course. Enjoy the ride and don't hurt anyone along the way and things could turn out really nice in the end.

#2013-07-27 19:35:43 by prana @prana

I'm glad you know the Chinese proverb: "waiting"!

But to tell you is this: we will know what is the "love" of the moment!

But, when that day comes, for some people, it is too late, they had missed some opportunities.

At the next station, God is not for us to open the same door.

So, optimistic attitude, calm state of mind is essential.

Good luck to you!





很高兴你知道这个中国成语:“守株待兔”!

不过要告诉你的是:我们会有懂得什么是“爱”的那一刻的!

只是,这一天到来的时候,对有些人来说,是太晚了,他们曾经错过了一些机会。

在下一个车站,上帝是不会为我们打开同一扇门的。

所以,乐观的心态,淡定的心态至关重要。

祝你好运!

#2013-07-28 01:30:29 by 7788heidi @7788heidi

Initiative in favor of the view

#2013-07-28 09:21:53 by janeyhh72 @janeyhh72

@prana
Love ,will be loved. We believe in love, then we can find.

#2013-07-28 15:50:50 by sunny00 @sunny00

Hi, Peter. do you still remember i sent you happy birthday last year? yes, both of male and female in any countries should try our best to look after our happy life for ourselves instead of waiting in vain. :)

#2013-07-29 04:07:21 by anonymous7029 @anonymous7029

that farmer is waiting, but in the wrong place and wrong time. lol

if anyone want to understand and master the art of such skill, the correct proper way, in chinese term 'do less, achieve more' ,
google or amazon.com 'Do Less, Achieve More: Discover the Hidden Powers Giving In' by Chin Ning Chu / 朱津寧 is such a book.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chin_Ning_Chu
http://www.dailyom.com/library/000/000/000000394.html

#2013-07-29 06:12:27 by Tyler72 @Tyler72

Well, I'm totally smitten and in love with my fiancee.. and SHE FOUND ME, not the other way around.

After reading my posts all through the forums and blogs and looking at my profile she decided that she was coming after my heart. ...and when she did I was no match for her charm and her witty banter. She went out and found me, she said, and read all of my posts for two months trying to understand what kind of girl I would like, before she contacted me. Later after getting out of me which particular girls I had been speaking to most before her, she read all their profiles to see if she could figure out my type, never realizing that its a personality type and a fun back and forth communication style (Just like hers!!!) that I was looking for and thus not something you would easily glean from reading profiles.. though I guess I do have certain physical traits I go for too.. That's more of a gestalt thing though, my tastes range wildly being based more on a harmonious complimentary look where the features work well together as a whole than the I like this shape face and that hair style thing etc..

Still what's important here, is not how she did it, or why we clicked but that as John says above.. after taking the step to join the site, she went looking for her guy, found me.. and came after me..bold, beautiful, sexy and very proactive! I dropped three women who I REALLY liked for her. She is an unstoppable force, what can I say? My friends tease me every day about my big, cheezy "Im high on love" smile that's plastered all over my face everywhere I go.

Remember we aren't Chinese guys. You're here because you want to be with a foreign man.. and most of us, I believe, are "western men".. if you include Australian and New Zealanders, South African guys etc in the culturally Western group.. We're all coming from a similar culture, so I think I can speak for at least a good portion of the group. We may say we want a traditional Chinese woman, but honestly most of us don't even know what that is, and if you act so forward and aggressive that you really think you are going too far and you are afraid you might make us run, LOL, you still are going to be more like our vision of a traditional Chinese woman than any woman we've ever dated back home.

So step out and get aggressive. Find us and chat request us. Send kisses.. write interesting and thought provoking posts in the forums and DONT hit that damned anonymous button when you do. I know in China they say not to stand out, but on here you aren't going to find a guy and get his attention UNLESS you stand out. We want a woman who owns and operates a real personality. I promise we wont run because you come after us and ask us out on a virtual date instead of hanging out on the wall and never venturing out onto the floor to dance.

Trust me. It worked for my girl. I'm flying to China in September to put a ring on her finger! There's the proof right there, right? LOL, even if fate HAD stepped in and made us bump and drop our groceries all in a pile and had to help each other sort them out together.. I probably STILL wouldn't have asked her out because I would think.. Shes too young and beautiful to ever want to date me! When it comes to love, sometimes we men really are clueless. Its going to be up to you ladies to get the ball rolling sometimes, and if you aren't willing to step up and take that risk.. that same one every guy has to take every time he approaches a woman, then maybe you should pack it in and go stand back by your stump.. I mean.. maybe your dream guy will run into it and fall into your lap... someday... but I wouldn't bet on it.

#2013-07-29 08:32:56 by shirley9183 @shirley9183

Hi, Peter, how are you! I had never wait but also got nothing here except the friendship, the true love is still very far and precious, but I will keep passion to find it and hope god bless me. But the friendship on CLM is also precious for me so that I am still here and not leave.

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