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Melcyan is a Water Dragon. He is also a retired Chemistry teacher and a lifelong learner. He met his Chinese partner for the first time in 2007 while ballroom dancing in Australia. Their relationship started in 2010 and they have been together ever since. His focus on CLM has been to learn more about the implications of his life-partner's culture and language for building a lifelong loving relationship.
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From Boy to Man part 2 - connection    

By Melcyan
1452 Views | 23 Comments | 1/18/2020 12:06:55 PM

Vitruvian Man Inside the Globe

In part 1 of my blog "From Boy to Man", there is a strong emphasis on self-love and self-respect. While self-love and self-respect are essential to the formation of a  great relationship with a woman, they are not enough. What else is needed? In a word - connection!



Modern man lives in an increasingly disconnected world. Unfortunately, modern men live even more disconnected lives than do modern women. When I talk of connection, it is not just about connection with a life partner. Connection with a loving life partner is a by-product of your connection with the world around you.



I have sometimes been asked," What signs are there that men are capable of forming a great relationship?" The answer lies in the sum of the relationships that a man has already with himself, others and his environment. After reading Johann Hari's book "Lost Connections", I would change that to "The answer lies in the sum of the connections that a man has within himself, others and his environment". Modern man is definitely suffering from lost connections.



Service is another keyword. If the word service is stripped of any "martyred" connotations, it becomes a very helpful word to cure the many ills of modern man. We need to serve our own needs, we need to serve the needs of others and we need to serve the needs of the living environment that surrounds and sustains us.



I am a 67-year-old western man. I have mental health problems. We all do to varying degrees. Mental health problems are endemic in the modern world. I am slowly overcoming the mental health problems that have afflicted me ever since I was a child. I suffer from anxiety more than depression. The full title of Johann Hari's book is "Lost Connections - Why You're Depressed and How to Find Hope". It may well turn out to be a book that revolutionises Western medical treatment.



My genetics predispose me towards being anxious. However, genes are not destiny. What we do and how we connect makes a huge difference in how the genes within our bodies are expressed. Over the last ten years, I have increased my level of service to others. My biggest improvement in mental health has occurred in that time.



In the last two years, I have taken over running a community group that comprises over 50 senior citizens. I thought my involvement would only be temporary until someone better came along. What I have discovered is, the more I help others from positions of mutual trust and respect, the more I grow as a person. Surprisingly this has made my relationship with my partner even stronger.



In his book "Lost Connections" Johann Hari describes not only his personal battles with depression but offers cases studies of many others. All of his case studies showed that when people form close meaningful connections with their environment and the people around them in ways that serve, the richness of their lives dramatically improves.



Where are you located on the isolation/connection spectrum?



The following links offer food for thought and tools for change -



https://mensline.org.au/relationship-advice-for-men/men-and-intimacy/



https://www.bostonglobe.com/magazine/2017/03/09/the-biggest-threat-facing-middle-age-men-isn-smoking-obesity-loneliness/k6saC9FnnHQCUbf5mJ8okL/story.html



https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2015/03/what-it-means-to-be-fully-human/387550/



https://www.huffpost.com/entry/male-isolation-recognizin_b_12620882



What makes the good life?



This video has the answers -



https://www.ted.com/talks/robert_waldinger_what_makes_a_good_life_lessons_from_the_longest_study_on_happiness



I highly recommend Johann Hari's book "Lost Connections" but if you can only spare 20 minutes watch this - 



https://www.ted.com/talks/johann_hari_this_could_be_why_you_re_depressed_or_anxious/up-next


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#2020-01-18 12:06:42 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

I am publishing this blog by Melcyan at approximately 10:45 PM my time. That's usually several hours before the time I would be falling asleep, but tonight I planned to go to sleep now because I am feeling so tired from a lack of sleep the last few days.

Reading this article I wanted to respond right away out of respect for my blogger, but as I try to respond I find myself incapable of arriving at fully constructed and well thought out responses. That's partly because of fatigue but just as much because the more times I read each paragraph the deeper I discover the thoughts behind the words are.

I am trying to look back at my life through the lens of those thoughts and it isn't easy. Added to that, I feel compelled to review the sources Melcyan has provided to see how doing so changes or adds to my responses.

Plus, I think there is a lot to be learned from this content so I want to give it my full attention.

So I will be coming back to give a more thoughtful comment in coming days.

For you others who have read the article I urge you to read it again, and then again a third time. Then I urge you to put some serious thought into how this article applies to you and the way you are living your life and how you might change the way you are living it to your betterment.

Because if you can better yourself and the way you see yourself through your own eyes, then you will take giant steps in improving the way other people see you. And that includes the woman in your life who is now, or who you hope will become, your loyal lifelong love.

Great blog Melcyan. I will return.

#2020-01-20 00:59:08 by Macchap @Macchap

I only have read John's comment and the last paragraph of Melcyan's post: "In his book "Lost Connections" Johann Hari describes not only his personal battles with depression but offers cases studies of many others. All of his case studies showed that when people form close meaningful connections with their environment and the people around them in ways that serve, the richness of their lives dramatically improves."

I smiled after I read "All of his case studies showed that..." From a personal experience I have to say it is true. I call it 3D. Three dimensional. .

#2020-01-20 16:02:17 by melcyan @melcyan

@Macchap  You are right to infer that facing a 2D screen rather than a 3D real person is a big part of the problem for many people. However, there are many men over 55 years of age who are computer-phobic who go to great lengths to avoid using any form of computer run technology. They not only fear computers but also technology like smart TVs, smartphones and ATMs. Their fall to depression is even stronger because they are even more isolated. I know several men in this category who are severely affected by depression.

 

 Johann Hari starts his story by describing the ever-increasing medicine he was prescribed as a young man to treat his depression. In his search for an answer to his depression, he may well have redefined the nature of depression and its cure. He is not a scientific researcher of medicine but his research skills are exceptional. 

#2020-01-20 22:08:14 by paulfox1 @paulfox1


@Macchap

I'll respond to Melcyan when I have looked at his links, but your reference to 3D being 3 dimentional is totally wrong. 3D means third DENSITY.

Difficult to explain, but I'll try;

We see 7 colours. We cannot see infra-red or ultra-violet for example. Dogs can hear frequencies that we cannot hear.

This is because these frequencies exist in the next density.

Ghosts exist in the 4th density, but we, spiritually, are 5th density 'beings' trapped in a 3rd density 'meat-suit'

We only have our 5 senses - nothing more

You may get a deeper understanding when I reply to Melcyan

#2020-01-23 06:43:12 by oldghost @oldghost

@paulfox1

“。。。This is because these frequencies exist in the next density.。。。“

 are you perchance using a 3G-GGG? Third Generation Gobbledy-gook Generator? Or are these 3R-RRR 3rd Recursion Random Rubbish Recitations?

#2020-01-23 18:18:49 by paulfox1 @paulfox1


@oldghost

Once again you lower yourself to mocking things that you clearly do not understand, nor, so it appears, have any desire to.

@melcyan

You blog makes a lot of sense in some regard. I 100% agree with you on what you said about 'service-to-others', and I am happy to learn that your 'community' is a success. Long may it continue, my friend.

I have no desire to demean any form of 'mental illness', but I think it's well over-played by the mainstream as well as the medical 'profession'.

 

Many people are diagnosed with mental illness when they are far from 'mental'. Loneliness is a state-of-mind.

I coined a phrase a few years ago - 'Loneliness is the pain of solitude; Solitude is the joy of loneliness'.

With the advent of social media these days, there is no need for anyone to be lonely unless they CHOOSE to be.

There are plenty of groups out there, as well as sports clubs, gyms, and a whole list of other places where people can go.

If they are totally brain-dead they could even join a church. They may meet other morons, but at least they'll be made welcome.

Then there's the 'tablets'. Oh, yes, feel lonely, depressed, suicidal? Go take a tablet. (90% of them are placebo but they work - you can figure out why)

It doesn't matter that the (non placebo) tablets have a whole list of side-effects such as thrombosis, cancer, death, etc.....but at least you'll not be depressed when you get diagnosed with such illness.

I checked the links you left. It took me a while because I am currently on holiday, alone, but not lonely.

The Boston Globe article is total nonsense.

The Huff Post is a bit more informative, but still pretty useless.

As for the Ted Talks, well they are about as useful as Snopes and Wiki (Wiki for the most part)

I did manage to suffer about 3 minutes before suddenly being overcome with the urge to take the huge statue of Buddha, tie it to my feet and launch myself into the deep end of the hotel pool.

Completely off-topic, take a look at the following Wiki 'information'. This is how credible the so-called 'news' is these days. If you believe THIS, then you definitely need to see a docked-ore. You don't need to read it all, just look at the time it took to build....

No doubt OldGhost will have a rational explanation. Either that or he'll stop mocking for once.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hotel_Internacional_(Barcelona)

#2020-01-23 21:29:15 by melcyan @melcyan

It is useful to consider ALL of your current relationship connections. According to

 

https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/Strong-relationships-strong-health

 

there are three kinds of connections that you can have with people:

intimate connections – with people who love and care for you, such as family and friends

relational connections – with people who you see regularly and share an interest with, such as workmates or those who serve your morning coffee

collective connections – with people who share a group membership or an affiliation with you, such as people who vote like you do, or people who have the same faith.

 

Ask yourself: do you have meaningful, long-term relationships in all these three areas? The sum and quality of these connections have a direct bearing on your current physical and mental health. They also affect your chance of success in finding a loving lifelong partner.

#2020-01-24 13:11:25 by melcyan @melcyan

@paulfox1

Like you, I can enjoy time alone. Fortunately, I have never been isolated. I don't know how I would handle years of solitary confinement. Based on the experiences of the many people who have suffered this fate, it would probably destroy me. I hope you understand the difference between being alone and being isolated. Isolation has the potential to destroy mental health. Unlike you, I never get bored.

 

I hope the focus of my two blogs on "From Boy to Man" can remain on what is needed to become a well-adjusted man capable of establishing a lifelong loving relationship with a woman. We all need self-love and connection before we establish such a relationship. The older I get the more I understand how important connection is to the process of a man becoming fully human. Connection is in our DNA. We are social beings much more than we are individuals. (Oh, I can hear the Monty Python fans yelling in unison "We are all individuals!")

#2020-01-24 21:40:40 by melcyan @melcyan

@paulfox1

 

I haven't time to comment on everything I disagree with in your last comment but I will address one part "The Boston Globe article is total nonsense".

I read the Boston Globe article again and could not see anything that could be classified as total nonsense".  Maybe the article was not detailed enough. It tended to focus on losing connection with mates but that is only half the problem. We need many more connections than just that. We need to connect more with the elderly neigbour. We need to connect more with people of all ages.

 

The point that I found most interesting in the article was the point that women tend to connect face to face whereas men tend to connect shoulder to shoulder. In recent times in Australia there has been a big increase in the number of community "men's sheds" that allow men of different ages to work side by side, share knowlege and experiences and learn from each other. It has been a hugely successful mental health initiative.

 

#2020-01-25 07:33:21 by paulfox1 @paulfox1


@melcyan

I love the 'men's sheds' - awesomeness!

No, I also won't labour the point re my last comment, but it needs to be understood that essentially we are all one. In much the same way that billons of individual grains of sand make a beach, it's all of us as individuals that make up humanity

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