This weekend I ventured into one of the dark and deceiptful places in my city - Bicycle Alley.

For anyone interested in Chinese literature, I'd recommend an interesting book called The 36 Stratagems - originally referred to by Wang Jingze (Book of Qi), it has no doubt had many iterations in it's time - but primarily in it's pages are 36 tales of how to “use devious or unorthodox means” in politics, war, business and civil interaction. Try some of these - Deceive the heavens to cross the oceans, beseige Wei to rescue Zhao, kill with a borrowed knife, loot a burning house, make a sound in the East and attack from the West, hide a knife behind a smile, create something from nothing, replace the roof beams with rotting timbers, remove the ladder when the enemy has climbed on the roof....so you get the picture!

Now, I can tell you, those guys in Bicycle Alley have studied this book from birth and have probably written the next 15 volumes to boot... How did I get into this den of deception, well it is a long story over many years.

When I first came to China, electric bicycles were just starting to take a foothold in the city I live in - they have now literally edged out the traditional bicycle in terms of sheer numbers and in terms of accidents!

Being a big guy, I have troubles with e-bikes... I want fast and agile, and to put it mildly, 300lbs of fat and bone on an e-bike is neither. I would often find myself on a ’standard’ ebike caught mid-lane with burning batteries and a local bus bearing down on me with horn blazing and brakes squealing. I needed ’custom’... Big engines, big batteries, big frames... everything big. So I essentially found all the parts I needed in ’Bicycle Alley' a few years back with lots of assistance from a friend.

Well, a few months back my e-bike developed a grinding whine in the backwheel bearing and like most Chinese people with noisy ebikes I ignored it as much as I could. I packed it with lithium grease and just kept going! It lasted me another few months, but sadly, a few weeks back it decided that it could take no more strain and seized. There was nothing else to do but to pick up the failed bearing, wrap it in a plastic bag and progress to Bicycle Alley once again.

Although my friend wasn't around to help me, I still felt confident I could negotiate my way around it. I just wanted a set of bearings - I mean, how hard could it be?

I looked up the Chinese words I wanted in my dictionary and practised them a few times with my staff and the security guard at my house - so I knew what I wanted to say!

I put only small notes in my wallet so I couldn't be inadvertently tempted to buy the newest bike lock or ’really cool’ under body LED light kit, or fluorescent helmet!

I scribbled my home address on a scrap of paper and hid it in my sock in case the police found my body sometime in the next week.

I removed all valuables from my bag, just keeping the essentials (toilet paper, chewing gum and Double Happiness cigarettes to bribe anyone who needed bribing!)

I carefully trimmed my fingernails close - lest I look like a ’government worker' - and crammed dirt under them.

I took a taxi and got out a block early, confidently strolling with a cocky smile and a swagger. I could do this, I was almost local. I knew this place, I had survived before and I would not be beaten this time.

As I walked around the corner of the alley, my trepidation grew - I walked into the narrow alley past the two foremost yawning stores. Instinct said be wary - too much Yang (transparency) hides Yin (true ruses)... what you see you do not doubt, the first winning stratagem.

I saw the shop in front of me that I thought I needed, pictures of bearings predominantly displayed - should I approach directly, or use the second winning stratagem of ’besiege Wei to rescue Zhao' - speak to some of the other shopkeepers before approaching my true quarry?

They eyed me warily - although I had sullied my hands and cracked my fingernails I sensed they could tell I was not who I seemed - on one side 2 men eyed me with pale steely eyes, one spitting on the ground - should I approach them innocently and ask them about bearings? Employing the strategies of ’killing with a borrowed knife’? Have them scurry to the darkened alley to do my bidding...did I risk the first meeting with enemy stratagem, ’create something from nothing'? Would what I need miraculously appear or would I find a different model - a fake? Or would they employ the second Enemy stratagem, leading me on a wild goose chase, or ’were they hiding a knife behind their smile’? - I could not be sure. I moved on.

I approached the store 'stomping the grass to scare the snake’, the first attacking stratagem in order to ’entice the tiger to leave his mountain lair’. It worked, out came a huge Chinese man - as tall and as round as I was, a waist encircled with screwdrivers and wrenches - he stood before me, arms crossed.

“Ah, Laowai! are you lost?”, he asked.
“No, Master. I am not lost"
“So why do you come to my store?”
I knew one may need to ’toss a brick to get a jade gem’ - I replied, “Master, I wish to give you money for some small items you may have’
“What would they be?” he asked
“Bearings, only bearing"
“We have no bearings here, Laowai!”

What, I was crestfallen - no bearings? The signs, the displays, everything pointed to bearings but I had been fooled by the second chaos stratagem - ’disturbing the water to catch a fish’... Creating confusion in my soul.

“So Laowai, what do you hope for now”, he asked me, in my obviously confused state.
I thought quickly - my stratagem of ’obtaining safe passage to conquer the State of Guo’ may work.
“I need your help to secure these items, is it possible?’

He sauntered off - had I done it? Was I able to ’make the host and guest exchange roles’....I waited.

Presently a pretty girl came from across the alley, but luckily I recognized the ’honey trap’ technique of the Desperate Stratagems, and I firmly resisted her questioning smile.

Presently my new ally returned with a handful of bearings - comparing the shards of my destroyed bearings with the new ones, we were able to determine the correct size bearings required. My ruse had worked - the man had what I needed in his hand.

I decided that if i wanted the prize, i may have to ’inflict injury on one’s self to win the enemy’s trust’ - to put in a slightly higher price than I expected. “So Master, these bearings would be around 20RMB then?”, I inquired. “20RMB”, he roared, ”and the rest! If you want these bearings, these high quality bearings, you will need to give me at least 70RMB.”

I swallowed, hard. 70 RMB for these inconsequential pieces of metal - come on... I needed another tactic. ’replace beams with rotten timbers' - yes, that would do it...undermine his authority, go deeper myself, not rely on his good grace... “oh Master, too expensive, I believe I can find a better deal in this alley”. “Ok, you try!” he retorted, turning his back on me.

Just now, the ’honey pot’ girl sidled up to me...”we have those, from the same source, highest quality... only 30RMB”. I turned to her - “follow me, over here, look, look!”

Indeed there was a display of bearings in the shop front she motioned to - and I dropped the 3 sheets of money in her hand and pocketed the bearings before thanking her and walking toward the exit.

As I left the alley one of the steely eyed men motioned to me, “Bearings”, he asked “how much did you pay?”
“Only 30RMB”, I responded. “Hahaha Laowai, only 30RMB for bearings worth 10RMB, you are a great negotiator”.

As I left Bicycle Alley with peals of the steely eyed man's laughter in my ears and for hopefully only a few more years, I couldn’t help but remember the final stratagem “if all else fails, retreat”.