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Jellyfish: A cultural exploring traveler loves making friends from different countries. As a western culture lover, I would like to share fun moments from my travel experiences. In my journey of searching for Mr. Right, I would like to provide food for your thoughts so that you will discover what will make you click to find your love. It is all mindset and atti-tude. Let us work on that! Jellyfish: 喜欢在不同國家交朋友及發掘文化差異的旅人。作為一名喜愛西方文化的愛好者,我將會分享旅遊經驗的有趣事情。在這經歷找真命天子的過程中,我期待為你分享一些想法,對你在找尋真命天子中有幫助。所有事情都是出於心態及想法,我們一起努力吧。
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Besieged Castle 圍城    

By Jellyfish
387 Views | 10 Comments | 5/25/2018 12:45:37 PM

How to avoid your marriage becoming nothing more than a castle beseiged.

“Le mariage est comme nue forteresse assiégée; ceux qui sont dehors veulent y entrer, ceux qui sont dedans veulent en sortir” is a French proverb which means “Marriage is like a fortress besieged: those who are outside want to get in, and those who are inside want to get out." 



The first time when I heard about this proverb, I felt it was so accurate and interesting. However when I thought about this again, I was not sure that people who got married want an ultimate exit! For those who want to get out of this castle, it is the disappointment they encounter in the marriage. The disappointment could come from people or marriage itself.  The former situation is quite challenging to adjust if you marry a wrong person. That’s why you have to be cautious to find out your own good-fit. You don’t need to make sure that your partner is perfect. You just have to ensure that he/she is perfect for you. Locate a good match for your soul. The latter situation could be something that you could work with in your mind. Prior to entering a marriage, many carry some thoughts that would become future blockages for a happy marriage. Let us see what they are:



Marriage will make me happy! Very obvious, this thought have led so many disappointed about marriage itself. If you are not happy with yourself, how could your partner make you happy? People who live with this thought have difficulty to find a good spouse because they believe they CANNOT be happy by being single!!! As a result, they are always unhappy. Who want to spend time with unhappy guys? The only exception is your boss. Once you learn the trick to be happy when you are single, you could attract someone who is perfect for you and make you happier. Let us modify the statement #1: Marriage will make me happier!!!! 



In a relationship will make me whole. Come on……. where does this falsehood come from? Thank you to countless Hollywood roman movies!!! Statement #2 indicate that there are some flaws in you and you are waiting someone to fix it. You expect your partner will fix all your problems. Let leave all the unfixed problems to your parents or high school teachers!!! Welcome to the world of adult. We don’t need anyone to help us to fix the problems. Do it by yourself. I believe when two people are serious of entering a relationship, they have to agree that they are not perfect and commit to improve themselves and help each other to build up a better life even there are so many challenging moments. You have to put something on the table and your partner will do the same. Your strong suits and shortcomings will complement each other so that both of your life will become better! This is how does this work!!



Everything will become easy when I get the right person and I don’t need to work on anything. “Well…….I am done as I am married right now.” If you read my last blog, you will know any valuable things worth effort to maintain it, including both tangible and intangible. The thought of “I have the right person, no sweat” have already hurt so many relationship. If you put the equal amount of effort and energy into your marriage/relationship which you put at the very beginning to pursuing someone, you will find that the reward of maintaining a good-fit relationship is HUGE!!! Embrace all the hard work. You will love the fruit it brings.



Finding the great match for anyone lasting forever is not easy. If you are still searching one like I do, keep all the hard work. It worths your waiting. Anything that is priceless to your life deserve working hard for it because the payoff is huge. If you have already the right person and are in a relationship, put effort in it. It doesn’t make sense if you put tons of effort to get someone that is priceless for you and then you do nothing to maintain the relationship. If you are those who are unhappy with your marriage, it is time to examine it and adjust it.



See you next time. I love you guys.



P.S. I wrote this article 6 months ago. A few days ago, I still hesitated whether should I put it on my blog. Even my view and perspectives of love and marriage change from time to time, I still believe it is a good record to reflect my growth. 



圍城



“Le mariage est comme nue forteresse assiégée; ceux qui sont dehors veulent y entrer, ceux qui sont dedans veulent en sortir”是一句法國的諺語,意思是「婚姻就像一個圍城,外面的人想進去,裡面的人就想出去。



當我第一次聽到這句諺語時,我覺得相當有趣及準確。但我再次思量時,才發現在婚姻中的人不是每个人都想要這個終極逃生門。對於那些想逃出圍城的人,是他們在婚姻中所遇到的失望而導致他們想出逃。失望可以是來自人或婚姻本身。如果是因為你的伴侶不適合你而另你想逃離婚姻,要調整這種失望較為有挑戰性; 所以在挑選伴侶的過程中是真的要謹慎。你不是要找一個完美的人作伴侶,但你的伴侶對你來說一定要合适。找一個能和你的心靈契合的人。若果失望本身來自婚姻,你可以在心態上調整。很多人在結婚前,抱著一些心態或想法以致影響他們無法擁有一段快樂的婚姻。讓我們檢視一下: 



1. 「婚姻/進入一段關係可以使我開心!」這種想法導致很多人對婚姻有明顯的失望。如果你對自己感到不滿,不能滿足於單身的快樂,你的另一半又怎能帶快樂給你呢?抱持 “單身就不開心"想法的人較難找到合适的伴侶,因為他們相信 “我獨自一個就是不能快樂”。結果,他們總是不開心,誰又想和愁眉苦面的人在一起?唯一的另外是你的老闆吧!當你學會了在單身時也能享受當中的快樂這個竅門,你就能夠給一個對你來說完美的伴侶使你更快樂。讓我修改第一個想法:婚姻使我更快樂!



2. 「婚姻使我這個個体变得更完整。」拜托!這個歪理從哪裡來的?那真的要感謝荷里活數之不盡的浪漫電影!有第二種想法反映你有對自己很不滿意,不完滿,認為自己滿有瘕疑,你正在等待一個人替你糾正問題。你期待你的伴侶更正你所有的問題。如果真是這個情況,你應該將這些問題留給你的父母或高中老師!歡迎來到成年人的世界!我們不需要任何人修理我們自身的問題,自己的問題自己更正。我相信當兩個人都認真的要展開一段關係,他們都清楚認知到自己的不完美,縱使他們在人生中面對很多困難時刻,但是他們委身決心幫助對方塑造一個更美好的人生。你一定要拿出你的優點來,你的另一半也是如此。你和你伴侶的強項及缺點都能補足彼此,以致你倆的人生將會变得更好。本來應該就是這樣的! 



第三種想法:「當我遇到對的人所有事情都一切順心,我不用再付出努力。「呀,這個,我已經功得完滿因為我已經結婚了。」假若你有看我上一篇博客,你知道任何有價值的事情都值得付出努力去經營,包括任何關係或婚姻。「我已經有對你的人,不再费吹灰之力了」的想法已經對你的身邊很多的關係造成破壞!如果你用等同當初追求另一半的努力去經營婚姻,就會發現原來付出經營一段已經很合拍的關係的回報是十分大的!擁抱你的努力。你會得嚐它帶來的果子。



要尋找一個合適的伴侶而能維持長久的關係一點也不容易。如果你和我一樣正在找另一個他,繼續努力!任何無價寶都價得你的努力及付出,因為回報實在太大了。如果你已經有對的人,努力經營吧。你千辛萬苦找到對你來說無價而對的人,但你不愿付出去維繫關係,這一點都不合理。如果你現在身處一段不快樂的婚姻,或者現在係時候去檢視更調節。



下次再見,我愛你們!



後記: 我在半年前寫這篇文章。幾天前我還猶疑是否應該將它放在这裡。縱使我對愛情及婚姻的觀點會因時間而改變,我仍然相信這能反映我成長時的一些想法。


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#2018-05-25 12:36:24 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

Jellyfish - I cannot believe you made us wait 6 months for this blog. This is an excellent statement of how to and how not to enter into a relationship and a marriage. You have hit the nail right on the head. 

I truly hope that every member will give it a read, and follow your advice.

As to the quote you opened it with, I think that quote acts as a warning to people entering marriage to make sure they understand clearly exactly what you have written in your blog.

As a statement of fact, it would be more accurate if it said "50% of marriages are like a fortress besieged: those who are outside want to get in, and those who are inside want to get out." 

Jellyfish, it was a long wait to see you back blogging, but this article made it worth the wait. Well done.(clap)(clap)(clap)

#2018-05-25 13:10:59 by melcyan @melcyan

Jellyfish, I don't think you will be surprised to get a big thumbs up from me. Well done! (y) ( y) (y) (y) (y) (y) (y) (y) (y)( y) (y) (y)

#2018-05-25 14:46:55 by Barry1 @Barry1

@jellyfish

 

"If you are not happy with yourself, how could your partner make you happy? "

 

There is so much truth in this article, Jellyfish. Many pearls of wisdom.

 

But where were you when I needed you most a few years ago, when my marriage was dissolving into nothing but dry dust - maybe through the power of your words you could've saved us! (wasntme)

#2018-05-26 09:57:45 by jellyfish @jellyfish


@JohnAbbot, 

You are so sweet! When I look back what I wrote, I realize that I need to grow a lot in other aspects of my life. 

#2018-05-26 11:12:07 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

@jellyfish - you are a very astute judge of character and quite correct, I am indeed incredibly sweet. Really, really sweet. It surprises me how few people have your discerning eye and how many fail to see what you have seen in me, my endearing sweetness.

However, I assure you that, as is obvious from the other readers' comments, I was not just being sweet. This was an excellent blog post.

We all need to grow, throughout our lives. But there are a lot of people who have not grown enough to recognize the truths you delivered above very well, so I'd say you are way ahead of the curve.

#2018-05-27 01:01:09 by QinQL @QinQL

@jellyfish- 看到最后,发现你的勇敢表白,很是敬佩(y) 我们没有办法,没得选择,如果要生活继续,必须调整好自己的心态,不断学习成长起来。你的描述生动地记录和描述了我之前的经历和想法。在没有孩子之前,我只懂得被动接受,只是个小女孩;有了孩子后,从孩子身上和陪伴她的时光里我学到了很多。她渐渐长大,我也渐渐长大-----说起来就这么简单,但却是付出十几年的时间。还好,终究是都长大了,大家都能开心过好每一天。 

你还年轻,机会多多,不过也要好好把握机会。期待你早日遇到合适你的,你也合适他的那一位:)

#2018-05-27 12:39:50 by jellyfish @jellyfish


@QinQL

Thank you for all your best wishes. It is a long way to go. 

 

#2018-05-30 22:04:13 by paulfox1 @paulfox1


@jellyfish

This is a PERFECT preamble to my next article 'What Is Love Part 2'

Thank you for such excellent insight !

50% of people want to get in, and 50% want to get out......WOW !

In fact, WOW !  WOW ! WOW !

Your understanding brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for a wonderful blog !

#2018-06-01 20:48:10 by autumn2066 @autumn2066

婚姻是一座围城,城外的人想进去,城里的人想出来。”

—— 钱钟书 《围城》英文版《Fortress Besieged》

钱钟书,中国现代著名作家、文学研究家,曾为《毛泽东选集》英文版翻译小组成员,晚年就职于中国社会科学院、任副院长。

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

《围城》于1947年首次出版,在中国是非常著名的一本讽刺小说。书中嘲讽了伪文化人的可笑、可怜和可耻,通过解剖各类男女的个性弱点和道德缺陷,揭示了不论男女普遍存在的精神困境和生存困局

围城的作者钱钟书先生是个天蝎座的大才子,据说他不爱交际,不求名利,独善其身,整天关起门来,只与妻女过安稳有趣的小日子。他通晓八国外语,是个彬彬有礼的聪明人。看钱先生的《围城》,感觉他的嘴巴可毒了,细细体会他尖酸刻薄背后的出发点,心却是暖的。

《围城》行文口吻似乎很柔和,其实绵里藏针,书中非常多机智的幽默和温情的挖苦。书中有很多名言妙话,“婚姻是一座围城,城外的人想进去,城里的人想出来。”是书中最著名的一句。

一起来欣赏钱先生的其它妙语:

爱情多半是不成功的,要么苦于终成眷属的厌倦,要么苦于未能终成眷属的悲哀。”

从前愚民政策是不许人民受教育,现代愚民政策是只许人民受某一种教育。不受教育的人,因为不识字,上人的当;受教育的人,因为识了字,上印刷品的当。”

这一张文凭仿佛有亚当夏娃下身那片树叶的功用,可以遮羞包丑;小小一张方纸能把一个人的空疏、寡陋、蠢笨都掩盖起来。”

“旅行最实验得出一个人的品行。旅行时最劳顿麻烦,叫人本性毕现。经过长期苦旅行而彼此不讨厌的人,才可结交做朋友。结婚以后的蜜月旅行是次序颠倒的,应该先旅行一个月,一个月舟车仆仆以后,双方还没有彼此看破,彼此厌恶,还要维持原来的婚约,这种夫妇保证不会离婚。

结婚无需太伟大的爱情,彼此不讨厌已经够结婚资本了。”

理想不仅是个引诱,并且是个讽刺,在未做以前,他是美丽的对象,去做以后,它变成了残酷的对照。”

“洗一个澡,看一朵花,吃一顿饭,假使你觉得快活,并非全因为澡洗得干净,花开得好,或者菜合你口味,主要因为你心上没有挂碍。轻松的灵魂可以专注肉体的感觉,以此来欣赏,来审定。”

——钱钟书 《围城》

 

#2018-06-01 20:49:48 by autumn2066 @autumn2066

前两年有这么一句话,在中国的互联网上引起广泛共鸣:

“我们懂得所有的人生道理,却仍然过不好这一生。”8-|8-|(giggle)

(hug) 共勉。:P

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