I had a bit of a problem with a lady a few months ago - although she was a kind-hearted lady, and quite attractive, I wasn't so interested in dating her - the biggest issue was that we couldn't communicate. I mean, my putonghua is pretty bad, and so is hers! She came from a rural region in SouthWestern China and spoke her local dialect but through lack of use, her putonghua was heavily accented and mostly indecipherable to me.

This made our relationship impractical - coupled with the fact she wanted to leave her job, support network and family immediately and come to cook and clean for me! I tried to explain that this was not a good idea because she was isolating herself and that I didn't really want a housewife partner but a more independent friend.
I was introduced to her by an associate of mine - someone who had known me a long time and I thought had a pretty good picture of who I was and the type of women that interested me...I am not interested in vacuous beauties, I like real women with real lives!

Anyway, the introduction was along the lines of “I have a really good friend I would like you to meet, she’s around your age, pretty and well, you know, maybe you can see if you like her!”.
After a few attempts at asking me, cajoling and nagging me over the next week, she finally said, “Well, you just have to meet her because I have told her all about you and she is waiting in a local hotel now and you must meet her tomorrow otherwise I lose face and she came a long way for nothing!”. So the lady had travelled 800km on a “hope” and I was obliged to at least be hospitable to her. We were off to a less-than-helpful start as far as I was concerned!

Anyway, to cut a long story short, we had a nice time showing her around my city, but the communication was very difficult and I was still working and not able to adjust my schedule at short notice, so she spent some time alone in my home waiting for me - he must have been bored so she set about straightening the place up - cleaning and ironing - which was great, but I am altogether unused to this type of thing...as well as being ’phonechecked’ a minute past when I said I would be back (I was in the roadway leading to my home, not out partying). She had prepared a nice meal and I assumed she wanted it served quickly after cooking, so that was a reasonable thing, I thought.

So although the meeting was nice, we didn't really gel and we drifted apart.

A few weeks after the lady in question left a little broken-hearted from her short visit to my city, I was able to quiz my associate on exactly what she told her ’good friend’ about me!

“she’s not really a good friend...i know her a year or two and we sometimes talk on QQ and she sometimes travels here on business” - oh, the Chinese “she’s my bestest friend in the whole wide world” fallacy - check one in the deception bucket.
“I told her you were a good guy"...Ok, if you say so!
“I told her you had your own business”...yep, ok!
“I told her you were handsome but a little fat"...wha?
“Actually, I told her you were a lot fat!”...ouch
“In fact, the fattest man in town”...ok, get off the fat thing already!
“I told her you like old women”...I’d use mature!
“I told her you needed looking after"...hey what?
I asked, “What do you mean looking after?”
“Well cooking for you, wash clothes for you, cleaning toilet for you, keeping house for you...that sort of stuff!”
I replied, “Well, no, I don't really want someone to do that!”
“But if she did, you’d like it, right?”
Thinking aloud, “not really, she would actually want to do this because she actually liked doing this, not feel she must do this”
“All Chinese women must do this, it’s her job!”
“I disagree..” I was cut short with a “You don’t know China!” look!

“Then I told her you want a quiet, stay at home, lady”.
I replied, “Well, no, I would like someone who can calmly and coolly accompany me wherever she and I might choose to go!”
“But if she did, you’d like it, right?”
“All Chinese women must do this, right, it’s their job!”
I received a “Well done Laowai, You are learning here!” look!

“Next I say you are important man, everybody know you! So she must make you lose weights, everyday walking and swimming and make your clothes smooth and nice, so you always look good”
“Wait”, I replied, “I don't need a slave, I'd like to find a nice lady to share my life, not make her work to keep me looking nice!”
“But if she did, you’d like it, right?”
“That’s because all Chinese women must do this, right, it’s their job!”, my sarcasm lost in the moment.
“Of course” with an indignant rising voice sans irony.

Now I understood why my new friend had ironed my shirts and hung them in the wardrobe - it was strangely nice - but also a little ’freaky’ having a stranger running their hands all over your breast pocket and smoothing your shirt tails and pressing your collar.

“Then I told her you are always very busy man, so she must have dinner ready and make sure you come home and eat!”
I replied, “No, no, no! Nobody should cook for me on a regular basis - I work at mealtimes, so I can never be there on time.”
“But if she did, you’d like it, right?”
“No, it isn’t practical midweek, and on weekends I’d like to share making meals!”
“Well, as you like, you cook on the weekend! But she should cook on the weekday and make sure you eat properly to lose weight.”

“Next I say you busy in this city so she must move here”
I replied, “It’s not that cut and dried! I have never said I would want a lady to move location to be with me”
“But if she did, you’d like it, right?”
“Eventually, but she has family, friends, parents...maybe child, you cannot relocate this easily without major troubles for her, both short-term and long-term... And who knows, maybe after a few months I could move business to be closer to her!”

“Oh, so you like her, right!”

“Well, I think she is a nice person, but...”

“Great, I’ll call her and tell her to come visit you next week...or maybe you should go there...meet her family!”

“No, No, No and No! I like her but we won't be together”

“Why not, you like her don’t you? I don’t understand, you said you ’have feelings’ for her but don't want to...you know...just try, see where it goes! You never know!...”

“Please don't call her, please don't arrange anything, no! I don't want her to come to see me again. You know this is a not ’see where this goes’ story...if I start now there is only one direction this trainwreck is travelling!”

“oh, I see, you don't want her to come, but if she does, you’ll like it, right?”

“No, it is a long distance for her to come and I have no feeling for her as a girlfriend or wife”

“Oh, you should try...she tells me she likes you!”

“No trying, no encouraging, no calling and giving mixed messages, no telling her ’my home is her home’, no planning trips to her hometown, no secret rendezvous, no organizing chance meetings, nothing, nada, don't go there, nothing, nil, zilch!”

You know, you are so fussy, I find you a nice girl and you aren't interested in her...you had better not ask me to find another girl that might be suitable for you!”

“But if I do, you’d like it right!”

“Of course, all Chinese women do! - it’s our job, to get all our friends married”.

Complete with that smug “You don’t know China” look.