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Lily, originally from Sichuan province (home of spicy food), has lived in Zhejiang province since 2007. She has over 10 years of work experience in international companies in Shenzhen, using English daily; thus having a relatively good command of English. An honest, caring, communicative, appreciative and positive person, Lily enjoys reading, thinking, learning, listening music, nature & dogs. Continuous learning and self-improvement is her life-time goal. She will blog about: keeping a positive outlook on people, things and life; the importance of maintaining good-balance in all aspects of life; Know yourself and what you want before searching for and finding the one most suitable for you. Lily hopes to share her knowledge with others while also learning from them.
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Aspects Considered for a Chinese and Western Relationship or Marriage to Succeed    

By Lily
4499 Views | 13 Comments | 7/9/2014 2:32:22 PM

International marriage between Chinese woman and western man is more and more popular on the internet and in real reality. More of us seems only see the glorious part of their story or life. As per my understandings by now, I think the successful and happy cross cultural marriage is very difficult to achieve. If one side or both sides know well and like the other side’s overall culture, the successful rate will be comparatively higher.



Basing on my experience, thinking & conclusion, during first stages of communications, I would like to suggest try to understand the difference & compatibility of the following aspects between both sides:



Food Diet



If any or both of the two sides has strict food diet. The both need to be very careful or may have better to give up only if one of them would like completely accept and adapt the other food diet. We can’t live w/o food and thus the food diet will seriously influence normal daily family life of the two. We can see still quite a few of failed international marriage is caused by the different food diet. The first, you may need prepare both Chinese and western food for each meal, the second, the double work will make the cooker easily feel tired and frustrated especial after long term of repeating, the last, the different diet will make you both with less sharing/connection and easily drift away each other so that has to be ended with divorce in the end. Here in China, for traditional way, a woman who can make good/delicious food for her husband and the family will be first regarded as a good or qualified wife especial from the eye of mother-in-law of the woman. So we know cooking good/delicious food is very important for a woman in the family. If the western man like most of the traditional Chinese food, that will be better since most of our age of Chinese woman can cook normal Chinese family food. If the woman is not good on cooking Chinese food, then had better to try to learn one or two dishes before moving.



Communicative, Expression and Sharing Ability



Communication & expression ability is very important for the relationship no matter on daily life or working. As per my experience, most of the technical person comparatively don’t have good communication and expression ability or would not like do much on that. The only little sentence they will release is for some conclusion. This made the others can’t easily understand what they are thinking and how is their true idea or opinion. Nevertheless, most of them do have their own very strong opinion and always like to behave as according to their own will. Thus the unclear cloud and confusion is always there. Under this case, the misunderstanding between the two will be with higher chance and the other side will easily feel frustrated and has not be cared about enough. The feeling will be like “playing lute to a cow”… I don’t means to blame this kind of personality and I well understand the personality is something that very strong with us and can’t easily be changed in one or two days or by someone else. So my suggestion is: if you do have the same personality or can completely understand and accept this type personality, you can have a try or go on, otherwise please be careful or had better to give up and find another type. Especially when you are a communicative and sharing person and you are sure you can’t bear. We can’t simply adjudge the others to be good or bad but we do can choose the most suitable for us.



Family-Oriented



As per my understanding, family-oriented person means he/she like family life including food, cooking, cleaning, making up, take care of families and enjoy to be with them together for most of leisure time. If you are a such person, you had better to concentrate the same type instead of a night club or very sociable/busy with many friends person. The two types person can’t get well along with each other in the real. For me, I don’t think a man who frequently work in overseas country for a long term each time. This kind of man is only suitable to look for a woman who doesn’t have child to be with and always can travel with the man at any time.



Self-Dignity, Self-centered



Dignity is very important for all of us. However, over self-dignity &self-centered will be very fatal to the relationship or marriage. In this case, the person who has this intention will always put himself/herself in the center of the thing and would not like to face or can’t see the thing or problem itself in any way. What he/she has been trying to talk or focus on is always how he/she think and what is the correct one that he/she think. Over self-dignity and self-centered will means potential danger or threat to others around that we can connect it with violence intention. There are two types, one is for social and another is for family type. You can see some of them only show their serious self-dignity and self-centered outside and will be very good/kind to families and some of them will be opposite. During our searching, we especially need carefully feel if he/she is with such personality especial for the family type. He/she probably to be your nightmare of the marriage. You not only can’t expect a happy family with him/her but also you may lose your life some day. In case any difference and conflict arise in a family, we always need take the love as a priority and then always focus on the thing/problem itself. Besides, calm down & suspending can be a good solution so that avoid possible further serious situation.



Expression of Love and Caring



As compared, most of traditional Chinese woman is more family-oriented and often take care of most of the housework including the child’ education guiding and other family issues. Basing on this, traditional Chinese woman would take initiative intention or behavior on buying something for her, spending for her and give her some money to use is the most important or obvious expression for love/caring to her at the first stages(especial the first meeting). Nevertheless, this is only their expectation or an adjudging criterion that how the man love or care about her instead means she is greedy or a materialist. Actually, only if the woman is really greedy, most of the Chinese woman are very considerable and appreciative on all the man has done for her, will not take this for a must or a granted in mind and always would like to find some chances to do back to you. In western country, due to most of the western woman is with very same working ability as the man so that they can completely share the same financial supporting and housework with the man. Basing on this, their love expression will be more on intimate words or behavior such as hug, touch, kiss & sex. For them, love is love, money is money. In China, most of traditional love is still combined with money and expense. Under this case, the western man more pay attention on good emotional communication, joviality & self-satisfactory from sex and lasting passion. Chinese woman pay more on life, time to be together, things you have done together or you have done for her. Even if there is no sex life due to some of physical reason from the man, she still can survive basing on those old memories.   



Caring, Appreciation and Connection with Original Family



In China, comparatively, we are more connected with other people especial with children, parents and maybe other relatives or friends. We used to take this kind of connection is some emotional expression like caring and appreciation(like to parents on their breeding).In western country, people is more independent and do their own things and live their own life separately. It is common and normal for brothers/sisters in western country don’t get contact each other. They may be in a bad relationship or they just don’t need get contact like Chinese people often do. Basing on these, I still can’t agree with the Chinese woman completely bring all Chinese tradition in the new family. You can call your parents, relatives or friends in China now and then or even go back to see them periodically basing on both agreement and the actual financial condition. If parents are healthy enough or still have a better solution, pick them up and live together is still not suggested. Western man pay more attention on private life or space with partner and expect not be interrupted by others. On the other hand, Chinese woman doesn’t need arbitrarily adjudge the western man’s far or bad relationship with his parents or relatives to be less caring or less appreciation. The far relationship with their parents or relatively doesn’t means less caring or appreciation for him. In western country, all thing or people seems more separate or independent each other.



Compromise and Happy



No one is perfect, all good relationship always need make compromise. However, at the first stages, I still suggest don’t make too much compromise since maybe more of compromise are waiting for you in ahead. At this stage, maximum happy, peaceful and satisfied you need feel from the other side. This may be a good start or choice for you to go further. Being alone is always better than in a bad relationship. Don’t rush into the relationship or marriage too quickly. It is always very hard for us to figure out what type person we are, which type is most suitable for us and which points we can make compromise or not. We need time to understand, learn, experience and then we will more and more know more about ourselves so that prepare for a successful relationship or marriage.



All above only represent my personal opinions and understandings. I originally don’t intend to definite and judge any or all Chinese woman and western man. I just want to share all my thinking and hope to hear more from both China and western country side.



Thanks and have a good day to everyone


Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
Comments
(Showing 1 to 10 of 13) 1 2 More...
#2014-07-09 14:34:05 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

Welcome Lily to the blogs please. And no, this is not Imi's infamous "Lily"! :) You will likely recognize Lily's work from the forum where she has posted a couple of excellent threads and numerous comments under her username, zqy2014. Lily puts a lot of thought into her threads and generally was creating some very constructive and helpful content for the members, so we suggested she start blogging and we're happy that she agreed.

This first blog does a very good job of laying out some of the primary things for people to consider before that start trying to develop a cross cultural relationship, and we think the points she makes here are all very good ones, well worth all members giving some serious thought to.

Welcome Lily, great job on your first blog.

#2014-07-09 16:29:35 by zqy2014 @zqy2014

@JohnAbbot

John, here I would like to first thanks your great trust, affirmation and chance given to me here.I will try my best to accomplish all job requested for a qualified blogger.Yes, as mentioned, I am absolutely not the same Lily mentioned in lmi's blog and zqy2014 instead.Hope no any further confusion will be occurred in the followings...

I would like to share all that I have learned from the life and hope to learn more new from members here too.

Thanks and have a good day.

#2014-07-09 21:00:16 by Jaguarguy @Jaguarguy

Welcome Lily and great first blog here. Since I am personally living everything you mentioned I can comment first hand about some of it. We are getting married Saturday after 20 months of chats, emails and trips to China, thank you CLM.

Food, HA !!!!!! This part is so true and interesting. I don't eat vegetables or ate very few but knowing what I was getting into I have completely changed and we have them with every meal and I'm fine, LOL. On the other side I am completely surprised at her and her daughters enjoyment with American food, especially since I was told from the beginning that American food is too dry. This being said they will never change to eating JUST American food as I will never change to just eating Chinese food.

Guess this last paragraph falls into the compromise category, which is also funny. I had been alone (single) for 8 years so now I have to share everything, food, drink, computer, remote control (LOL) and seating arrangements. Again, knowing what your getting into allows a person to be flexible and compromise which has happened.

Lastly as I don't want to steal the post, the hardest thing for me is getting used to someone always staring at me. She is very happy and I believe truly loves me with all her heart, as I do her, but she sometimes sits next to me and just stares. This after 2 months living together here in the US is the only thing so far that bothers me. The rest is all just adjusting to a new life together, new goals, new challenges, new love and a long life.

Lily, again great first blog and I will gladly read your upcoming ones also.

#2014-07-09 21:27:22 by Barry1 @Barry1

An interesting and informative article, thank you, Lily.

I am currently involved with a cross cultural relationship. I must say that what you wrote makes a lot of sense. It will help me understand and appreciate certain things more, as my current relationship progresses.

I can see from what you wrote, that you're a highly intelligent person. You've put a lot of thought into this article and it shows. The fact that you know two languages demonstrates that you're very smart as well.

Well done, Lily. (y)

#2014-07-10 07:13:18 by Imi5922 @Imi5922

Hi Lily

What a good article this is for us western men and also for Chinese women.

Congratulations, very well done!

Hopefully, you will share with us more of your opinions on international dating and cross cultural marriages .

Best wishes to you!

#2014-07-10 19:34:32 by zqy2014 @zqy2014

@Jaguarguy

Thanks for your timely comments and would like to share with us on all your true feeling in your real family life on all those related aspects.

First I would like to express my best wishes to you, your wife and the new family. Happy wedding and wish you have successful relationship and marriage with your wife!

On the food issue, you and your family do make a good example for all of us here that you show opening, understanding, tolerance and would like to have a try on the food that used never or seldom eat. This way will let the other side feel your respect to him/her and will promote the family transition and adaptation each other more easily and quicker. Besides, the both sides can learn from each other on cooking and that will be interesting.

Talking to the compromise part, I can feel you must be with a very strong heart & faith on love to make your final decision on which way should go to after 8 years of being alone. No matter what you will encounter in the next, I am sure you will not lose your faith, get lost and will conquer all difficulties and barriers… Knowing what do we want and made the decision is always the most difficult and important parts. You have been successful on these. Congratulations!

The last, we thanks for your trust and would like to share with us on the hard part in your real life. As you said: you know you both truly love each other, this is the most important foundation for you when any possible difference or conflicts occur. It do is a weird feeling that someone is just sitting there and staring at. I agree with you on this point. However, this maybe your wife’s usual expression way on love or she has less hobbies or she currently just doesn’t have too much thing to do or need some time like that to get her adapt in the new family or she probably is a clingy person that always want to be with her loved one even if just staring at? If staring is just her way, what you could do is try to understand, face and completely accept it without any complaints. If she need some time to adapt or train some kind of hobby there, you need give her some time, understanding and supporting. As you said, you two have about 2 years of long time chatting, communication and contact, I am sure you should have felt some of these in earlier time. On the other side, you still could try to frankly communicate with your wife and tell her your feeling at the same time. When difference or conflicts occurs, open/timely/positive communication Is always necessary and most effective solution. As per my understanding, Chinese people or their thinking is more connected with other people and aspects as western ones. Western people is more independent, separated and some reasonable private space and time always be requested for him/her no matter how close the relationship is. They need to be felt they are both a partner and a individual person. This is the very important aspect for Chinese woman should pay attention on when being in the relationship with a western man.

Thanks again for your sharing and we would love to hear more of your sharing on ups and downs in your life in the later time. We will absolutely learn a lot from your sharing on true thinking or feeling of a western man would have in a relationship or marriage.

Have a good day.

-Lily

#2014-07-10 21:19:22 by zqy2014 @zqy2014

@Barry1

Hi Barry, thanks for your kindly attention and affirmation given to me. Congratulate you are already in a cross culture relationship and hope everything can go smoothly as have expected...

I have read some of your blogs and comments including your China travel in series. I can feel your honest, earnest, humor and strong faith on love.

Yes, children can promote or obstruct the relationship. Woman and man regularly intend to have different educational mode to child.China and western country has different educational system, Chinese and western people has different educational mode also.Child & his/her education has been the biggest part of a traditional Chinese family.Thus, child and the different educational model will probably is a big barrier of a cross culture relationship or marriage. Both sides should be well aware of this and try to say in a same voice in front of the child.Any disagreement or conflict should not shown before the Child. For most of the traditional Chinese woman, child and his/her education used to be be majority of her life. More attention to the child doesn't means you mean nothing for her or she doesn't care/love you. They need some time to make adjustment and adapt at first stages.

Thanks again and look forward to hear more of your sharing and good news from your relationship.

Lily

#2014-07-10 22:20:06 by zqy2014 @zqy2014

@Imi5922

Hi lmi:

thanks for your kindly attention and comments to my blog here. I am lucky to be with the same name as your Lily and this may cause you have to say some sentence to my blog here.Although, I still could feel your sincerity.

I have read some chapters of "My love to Lily" and I think you are an honest, brave, sensitive, thoughtful, romantic, caring person at least.You have very good writing ability and expression on your feelings. I am sure you will find the most suitable one sooner or later.

There are different types of persons in the world and we can't change the others in any way but we can choose the most suitable for us. Facing the one we like or love,we can't be blind or ignore all of our thinking and feeling.It need to be reasonable & logical enough on all connected aspects from the beginning to the end. It can minimize the hurt we may suffer from the relationship that figure out what do we want to and if have good compatibility each other as soon as possible. All these are only my personal opinions & understanding and only for your reference.

Hope you could do well on aspects in Canada and hear good news from you soon.

Have a nice day.

Lily

#2014-07-11 10:44:32 by Imi5922 @Imi5922

@zqy2014

No, I don't have to write a comment to you just because you wear the same name as the lady in my story.

I wrote my comment because I really found it informative and as a western man I want to learn about Chinese women as much as possible.

I really like that you and Nancy as well have started blogging recently. I want to support and appreciate this trend. I think we need more female bloggers here on CLM who would be willing to show us westerners how intelligent and beautiful minds Chinese women possess.

#2014-07-11 11:00:28 by Chicano @Chicano

Very good read, xie xie.

Let me add, if woman has children, this brings additional obstacles for a lasting relations.
Especially if male child thinks he is lao ban and never was taught how to work and went to vocational high school for job that does not exist anymore.
Also if mind set of lady is to gather as much money as possible and return to China.

Been there done that

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