Rejection

I’ve got to learn how to reject people properly or I’m just going to piss off more and more men. My biggest fears are anger, war and disease. Death is ok. If one day I got killed in a car accident that would be perfect. I can donate all of my useable body parts.

Back on the subject, I even pissed off my old boss because the way I rejected his offer. I didn’t sign a three years contract with him after the probation time because I couldn’t see myself turn that company around. He said he respected the fact that I wanted to leave but he felt offended the way I handled the situation. I really didn’t know how to handle the situation! I know he needs my help but I can’t afford to stay and ruin my career. He is all very friendly but I would like to keep distance and be professional. Any way, when I started to email him begin with “Dear Mr. **” instead of “Hi ** (his first name)” he got all very upset and mad. Till now I still don’t know what I did wrong.

Ok. Back to something you guys might be more interested in: how do I reject guys that I’ve been on one date or two? After three dates I know more about them and I can handle it better. But there is no point going on a third date if the chemistry is not right.

The point is: how to reject somebody that you don’t really know and not have them want to pull your hair off when you accidentally run into them again?

As in my last blog, I rejected an engineer guy in a very direct way. He didn’t take it well. He got mad at me because he thinks I should have told him how I felt right away on the first date. He kept asking me over and over again how I liked it spending time with him. My answer came from “very nice” to “good” to “I’m ok.”

Before I left the dinner table I wasn’t sure if I want to see him again. The thing that really made me didn’t want to see him again was: when I saw him off at the bus station he became very, how to say, overly passionate. He touched my hair and tried to hold me in his arms. I kept smiling at him and pull myself back but I was screaming inside: “What the hell are you doing? I don’t know you! Get your hands off me!” See, I don’t know how to reject people. If it’s not too rude I kind of just put up with it.

Ok. There is another guy, tall, good looking, math teacher in a high school here, very nice and lovely. But I’m just not attracted to him. I wanted to like him. I went on a second date just to be sure. We had dinner and talked and laughed and everything was good but I just couldn’t force myself to like him in that way. He could be a great friend but won’t be anything more than that. I knew he liked me in a way that I couldn’t like him back. I don’t have the heart to tell him that I don’t see him as my future boyfriend. So I just leave it as it was. He is smart enough to realize my silent rejection and be kind enough to not bother me again.

It’s really difficult for me to get all mad and yelled at people no matter what they do or don’t do. Once I was on a date with this elegant selfish self-centered guy that worse than a Chinese Mama’s boy. He said “You are lucky to be with me. I’m ** (his name). Women do everything for me.” I asked: “Then what would you do for the woman?” He said: “Nothing.” I got so mad that I wanted to pick up that barbecue fish and slapped it on his head. But, I kept my mouth shut, just kept smiling and finished my food.

I can smile at a jerk and screaming in my head “Go screw yourself and I want you out of my face and wish I will never see you again!” Am I fake or just a silence liar? I don’t know. If I don’t want to tell the truth I kept my mouth shut. I can’t stand any violence argument. I don’t want to cause anybody grief or anger. I’m frightened anybody loses their tempers and snapped. In a way I’m seem like a coward but I just ran away from my mother’s anger prison and I don’t want to go back there again!

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#2011-10-23 22:56:29 by pourquoipasamour

Victoria, you seem to date a lot and never get it right. Did you ever stop to think that the problem might lie on you? Either you have bad luck, don't choose your men right, use poor judgement or you see yourself in the top of the world and is self centred and want something perfect or all of the above. I hate to tell you this, but take a good look at the mirror. Do you consider yourself perfect? If you are not prepared to make compromises and be more flexible and accept people the way they are (this is what real love is all about) or you will end up being alone. I hate to tell you this. Sometimes you come across as a bit immature for your age. As you know, in China in your age group, you are getting to a point where will be difficult to find a suitable partner. Millions and millions of beautiful girls younger than you lots of competition. As for westerners, I see in your relationships always some sort of cultural shock a clash of intellects and cultural and traditions warfare. Sometimes you come across as person of poor judgement, in spite of the fact that I think you are intelligent and smart. Do you like to be rejected? Other people don't either. It is interesting, I read about your relationship with that alcoholic and cheater guy. You must really have loved him or is a masochist. I would dispatch a drunk woman half way in the first date. People have different parameters. Now you talk about going with people twice and already know everything about them. Listen to yourself. I have some news for you, there is a lot of good, capable, intelligent , nice men in China in your age group. Have you given them a nice try? Victoria, come down from your pedestal, you sound sometimes like a Russian or Ukrainian princess, nobody can put up with them, they are so full of s...... I wish you the best, don't get me wrong. Maybe you are looking in the wrong places.

#2011-10-23 23:24:07 by oneforall

Very interesting, it's nice to get a woman's point of view on dating matters. It's not clear if the men you dated were Chinese or foreigners but really it makes little difference. As far as your ex boss, I think you handled the situation quite well. When in doubt always go with the professional approach! For Mr I Love Me...it would have been fine for you to excuse yourself and just leave. It was too bad you didn't have a nice sized mirror with you to set on the table where this...uh...person could see and talk to himself. As for your other dates...I don't know of any woman in the world that enjoys fondling of any type after one or two dates. Perhaps you can tell your date on the first outing that you enjoy his company but friendship is all you're seeking right now. This shouldn't crush your date too hard and leaves room for something more serious to develop if things work out for both of you. I wouldn't get too worried over all this if I were you. You're young and intelligent so you have plenty of time to address how you wish to handle all situations you encounter.

#2011-10-24 03:52:38 by rw2002

I have the same trouble rejecting lady, I don't like to hurt peoples feelings. I have been talking to a Chinese Lady Doctor for about 5 or 6 months now, she want me to come to China to meet her parents, I want to but I would like to get a better feeling that something would be accomplished for my trip and not a waste of money. She has a sister in the US that she had me call, I have talked to her several times and like her. These seem to be lovely lady , but there is an age differents to, I am 66 and she is 43 years old, she knows this and it doesn't seem to matter to her. I have a good Heart and I'm sure she does too. All I want is someone to love that will love me back. Could you give me some advice Victoria??

#2011-10-24 11:02:12 by abi513

I have several comments Victoria.

First, I LIKE hearing from you, or any Chinese/Asian woman writing or commenting here, concerning daily things on their work, life, ideas or values on China or the world and NOT just dating issues. I believe this is beneficial to acquiring real insight and not just fluff.

Second, “Dear Mr. Ms.” is appropriate for a formal letter/email and NOT a simple “Hi John or Jane”. In all probability, you made a wise choice not working there since the boss showed THEIR ignorance and not you. Therefore, please remove all doubts from your mind concerning this matter.

Many foreign or domestic people cannot accept rejection for whatever reason. Maybe it was how they were raised as a child and/or a combination and accumulation of life experiences that contribute to their inability to shake-off rejection without going ballistic.

Third, I believe it is the problem of the other person who cannot read the subtle hints, indications, facial expressions, body language, words, etc. that give some clue as to whether you are having a good time on a date and desire further contact.

I might suggest whether you’re with a jerk who thinks they’re “God’s gift to women” or simply a nice guy you’re just not interested in, there is no need to always smile and act as if you’re having a good time. Put on your best-bored look and let them keep talking until you can politely extricate or remove yourself. I’ve had women do this to me, as well as me to them. I realize it’s often part of Asian culture to smile even when angry or disinterested, but I’ve seen this changing in recent years.

I don’t subscribe to the two or three date theory. Dating is NOT a baseball game where it’s three strikes and you’re out! Regardless if they’re a dud, or maybe communication is far too difficult, then I usually don’t waste time on a second date. For me, it’s more like “Sudden Death” in a tie overtime-American football game!

#2011-10-24 13:19:26 by keithdavenport

If a man really likes you, there is no nice way to reject him. He’s going to be hurt. When a man has his heart set on you, the brilliant light of hope blinds him. He wants to believe you like him, and he will convince himself that you do -- unless you convince him otherwise. And doing so is not as easy as you might think. Combine that with realization that many men are socially trained to be persistent in the face of rejection, and it becomes clear that in most cases, subtle won’t work. You must be very clear in your rejection so that there is no doubt in his mind that you are not interested in him. Otherwise, his blind hope will make him keep trying or he may think you are just playing "hard to get."

Most men greatly value respect (and many have fragile egos), so combining the rejection with a respectful and honest compliment may be one of the better ways to tell a man that you don't want to date him anymore. For example, with a nice guy like the one you mentioned, you might say something like "You seem like a really great guy, but I’m sorry -- I don't have feelings for you. I don't want to waste your time, or mine, so I wanted to tell you now instead of later how I feel. I wish you all the best. I'm sure you make another woman very happy."

Unfortunately, at this point many men feel a powerful desire to understand why you are rejecting them. “If I’m such a nice guy, why are you rejecting me?” We want to try to make sense of the rejection in our minds. But you don't owe anyone an explanation for your feelings. "I just don't like you that way." Or, “I don’t know –that is just how I feel.” is sufficient. If a guy is a friend, then you can have a conversation about it, but it’s often pointless, because it is unlikely your answers or reasons – no matter what they are - will satisfy a man in this situation. It will just lead to more questions and more frustration.

So when you are sure you are not interested in a man, tell him sooner rather than later, be respectful, be direct, and be as kind as the truth will allow.

#2011-10-24 13:20:31 by chrisfr2

Some of the guys seemed to think you were already bfriend and gfriend after the first or second diner.
just make the things clear frankly like "hey, we had diner together, but we don't know each other enough yet for such familiarity" should be ok. If they can not understand, they are looking for "easy girls" and on my opinion, you should better give up right now.

it's not because you accept a date or a diner, that you have agreed to involve in a relation. You should just make the things clear by letting them a message as soon as possible if you consider you both don't match. It will avoid misunderstandings.

#2011-10-24 17:15:08 by lotusmaster

I always tell people basically what you just said. It normally goes something like this, "There are chemistry issue between use that I can't get passed and I don't want to try to change you. So I see no romantic future for us. If you'd like to be friends I'm open to that and if not I understand that too. But I don't want to waste your time or have you reject anyone else's interests because they may be right for you."

Please note if I offer friendship than I must mean it, which means yes we can go to the movie but you pay for your ticket or we take turns paying for each other. We can go to the bar, etc... but I'm their as your friend therefore if another shows interest and I chose to show some back I will and can't become upset if you do the same. The friendship thing being a lie will lead to even greater angry so if you can't handle it don't offer it, I don't always offer, if I just can't stand the girl then friendship is off the table.

#2011-10-24 18:21:19 by Anonymous Member

You should put yourself in the other persons position. How would you want to dealt with? Would you prefer that someone be direct and tell you that they just aren't interested in you in that way? I would. Sure at first it will hurt, but it is much easier to accept this and move on when you know the situation. You may think that by not saying anything you are being kind, but in reality saying nothing is much worse. This summer I was on the receiving end of the silent treatment. This was after a few face to face meetings(living in different cities), and almost daily communication by text/email/skype. Then all of a sudden nothing. In the beginning the silent treatment gives you a false sense of hope. After the first unanswered message I thought it could be "technical difficulties", just wait a day and try again. After the second unanswered message I thought she is pretty busy, might not have time. After the third unanswered message it finally dawned on me that I was back in grade 2 and getting the silent treatment. I have tried to accept it and move on but my heart is not really in it because all I can think about is how did I f**k this up. Anyway I guess the point I am trying to make is that while being honest and direct will hurt in the short run, in the long run you will both be better off because of it.

#2011-10-25 00:41:24 by Anonymous Member

Why is everyone avoiding Victoria's first paragraph?
This girl is a few screws short. She is a mentally damaged woman. She fears anger, war and disease, but she welcomes death with open arms. How is it perfect for any woman to WISH she is killed in a car accident so she can donate her body parts? IS ANYONE PAYING ATTENTION?

If I heard a woman talking like this I would be running far far away from her! No one wants to be with someone who does not care for her own life. It is obvious this woman is depressed and a complete mess. She does not know how precious the gift of life and living is.

I feel sorry for any man falling this woman. She is doing all the rejected men a huge favor. Anyone wanting to get involved with this Victoria is in for a horrible relationship and situation.

#2011-10-25 01:51:25 by victoriaspirit

Hi everyone, thank you for your comments.
I'm very grateful for my supportive friends here. Thank you, guys.

Some comments are very mean and hurtful.
For comment #9, the "got killed in a car accident" was a joke. But I do want to donate all of my useable body parts after I died. I don't know why this Anonymous Member is so upset with me that would pull a personal attack comment but I'm sorry if I ever done anything to hurt you. I'm sure I haven’t but just in case if I don't know about it please leave me a message.

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