I dated a bunch of guys but only had two long term relationships. Technically I don’t’ know a lot of guys well. And I don’t have a role model of a good guy. The way I grew up, if a man doesn’t beat up his wife or have a second wife, he is a good guy. If he doesn’t gamble or get drunk every day，plus a steady job he is a perfect husband.
My parents have been married for over 30 years. They are not happy with each other most of the time. Up until my mom called me in the middle of the night and cry to me that my dad smacked her. I never know my dad does get violent and hit my mom. Just not in front of the kids.
According to relatives and neighbors, my dad is a good guy. He has a nice temper and kind to everybody and happy all the time. He works very hard to support his family. And he never cheated on my mom or ever even thinking of divorcing her even she is very hard to put up with most of the time.
According to my mom, my dad is a crap husband who makes her life like a living hell. She resents him of seeking every possible opportunity to gamble and lost so much money that could be so much helpful to the family. The more my mom nagging about my dad’s gambling problem the more my dad goes to gamble just to avoid stuck at home with my mom. It’s a bad circle.
To me, My dad is not a good guy. He beats up my mom. A good guy doesn’t beat up his wife no matter how crazy she is.
So basically what I’m writing here is what I think of a good guy, call me crazy, this is actually my imaginably boyfriend:
1. Cook occasionally. I’m a terrible cook. I throw everything in the rice pot: fish, pork, vegetables, rice and chicken feet and any other stuff I can find in the fridge, everything together. I’m joking about the chicken feet but the rest are true. It tastes like crap but I don’t have to wash a lot of dishes and bowls and pots after eating, everything in one plate and one pot. You know how much work to cook a proper Chinese meal. It takes hours to prepare and clean up besides the cooking which is too much for me after 8 to 10 hours work in the office. So come home to a nice prepared meal once a while would be a great surprise.
2. Help out in the house sometimes. Maybe help me hang up my clothes from the wasy machine. I’m very lazy and forgetful. If I throw some clothes in the wash machine I probably forgot to take them out until 3 days later I run out of clothes to wear. They will be dry then but all wrinkly and take hours to iron out so I just throw them back in the wash machine and have them washed again. You don’t see it often in the west that your neighbors’ big underpants hanging outside their balconies. But in China nobody really use the drier which I think it’s not a bad thing from the energy saving point of view.
3. Let me sleep until noon at weekends. The reason I stop going to visit my parents is because every morning before 7am my mom would banging on my door if I don’t get up in 5min after her first scream. I’m not a morning person. If I don’t go to school or go to work I just can’t find any reason to get up early in the morning.
4. Never yell or get violent. I had my mother yell at me and beat the crap out of me all the time when I was a child. I had dreams that my mother ate my friends. No matter how much therapy I take I still can’t stand any furious arguments or violence.
5. Be polite to everybody and treat others the way they want to be treated. When I see a guy treat the waitresses like some kind of second class citizens I feel shamed to sit by the same table with him.
Basically, any honest, polite, independent, warmhearted non violent guy is a good guy. I think it doesn’t take a lot to make one person happy, but it’s not easy to make two people happy together. And a good guy may not be the right guy. That’s why we are looking for Mr. Right not Mr. Good. Happy searching on CLM, everyone!
Horrible cooking? .... Sleeping late in bed? Forgetting to leave laundry in the washing machine for 3 days makes your clothes get moldy and smelly! Horrible. For shame girrrrl. Not the signs of a responsible person. If you are searching for a good man, I think you need to consider making the effort to be a good woman as well.
How can you expect a "good man" to cook for you, if you aren't willing to even put forth the effort to learn how to cook a decent meal for him? No, it does not take a long time to prepare tasty Chinese meals. I prepare them myself after learning from my wife. I see my wife make a delicious meals on the fly too and I will be cataloging her recipes so i can take over anytime. She is no expert but she appreciates good food as anyone does. Chinese dishes aren't that complex. If you have the right spices, sauces and ingredients you can make some DAMN TASTY DISHES, girrrrrl! C'mon put forth the effort!
Yes, sometimes complex dishes may require marinating overnight or longer preparation, but you are paid for that extra effort by a wonderful meal at the end. That's a great payoff for such preparation!
You can easily keep it simple too! Some steamed rice, steamed pork bone in a tasty broth, steamed fish, Chow Fan (fried rice-so easy), Coca-cola Chicken wings, Bok Choy, Da Miu, and so many other veggies you can prepare quickly and easily in a wok. With just a dash of this or a dash of that you can have a wide variety of flavors you can enjoy! It doesn't take much to prepare a simple and tasty meal for yourself and others.
C'mon Victoria, don't make me have to write a damn COOKING blog, now! (I think I already did). Take some pride in cooking! Good meals are wonderful to have! It's a necessity in LIFE. If you care about FAMILY and a family of your own, you must care about cooking! Why make bad tasting meals for yourself?! You DESERVE to eat good nutritious and delicious meals!
I'll tell you this, tossing shit in a pot and having it taste like crap and then expecting me to cook a delicious meal for you would never happen. If I get shit, I give shit or better yet, flush that shit down the toilet along with the woman.
Instead of sleeping in. Wake your butt up, get out of the bed on Saturdays (make it 10am instead of 7am if you are too tired) and join a cooking class so you can appreciate the value of a good meal prepared by your own hands! Then I believe a man will be more than happy to cook a nice meal for you as well! Share in such a joy together. Recognize there is give and take and if you find a man, you better be prepared to work hard at keeping a good man!
One of the ways to keep a good man happy.....FOOD. Meals. They are an important part of the key to a man's heart too.
Bren, now you sound like my mother. I'm a good woman! Just not really into cleaning and cooking. Maybe if I find the right man I will.
Hey, Peter! What are you talking about? Should we discuss this in private? Haha...
Romantic love concerns itself with many internal and external human aspects. The internal includes the connection, attitudes, and world view that two people share. The external includes the actions, habits, and skills each person has and brings to the relationship. These internal and external components overlap, of course, and they both determine the compatibility and success of a couple.
Some people place more value on the internal components, such as your sweet disposition, than on an external component such as your domestic skills. Although your lack of interest in cooking and laundry may be, as Bren implies, a sign of irresponsibility, it also may simply mean that those things are not a priority in your life and it would serve you well to find someone who also does not place a high value on these traits (or someone who loves cooking himself and would be more than happy to take on that role in the relationship).
The point is that we all have different values and appreciate or respect different things in other people. Even if our values, habits, or desires or extreme or strange, finding a fulfilling and secure relationship is a matter of finding someone who can love, appreciate, and accept us as we are.
That doesn’t mean you can neglect trying to improve yourself, but it does mean that if you are willing to accept the consequences of your decisions and habits, and you are realistic in your expectations, then you can be yourself, accurately represent yourself, and you will find someone who connects with you, understands you, and is willing to accept the good along with the bad.
Maybe you could set up a boot camp for women, or men, you consider to be slackers and whip them into your idea of the correct shape. hahahaha
I concur with keithdavenport’s concise and eloquent comments pertaining to consequences, internal vs. external components and most importantly a person consider making some desirable self-improvement changes in habits.
Peter has recently published an interesting article here on “Women are not equal to men and China”. Cultural differences aside, China is about 25-years behind North America, Western Europe, Australia, New Zealand or other developed countries, especially relating to expectations of women in a 21st Century world.
For example, I prefer to do my own laundry or take to the cleaners, so a woman doing this for me is not a dealmaker.
I can cook enough to survive, but more often than not, prefer to eat-out, whether Chinese or Western food, so cooking skills is not a dealmaker.
I live alone and pay 50 RMB once a week for a cleaning service to come to my home each week to do all the heavy cleaning I hate and previously did for myself for years prior to coming to China in 2007, even when married. I’m not a pig or untidy, so this amount of cleaning is sufficient. If married, I would still pay this to make life easier for my wife, so cleaning skills are not a dealmaker.
I had the “Drill Sergeant” Mother and later, in my last two years of high school, I had the military boarding school experience that all contributed to me being responsible and highly self-sufficient and usually able to do most things for myself.
The point is, I’m not looking to marry professional domestic help and/or a cook. I’m looking more for someone with the internal components keithdavenport mentioned. For me, these would include loyalty, honesty, dependability and a “nice” disposition. Of course, the external components such as decent looks is also nice.
I appreciate tanshui’s usually witty remarks and maybe in just a few words, he’s better able to express what I cannot do with many words.
Hey Bren, maybe you and your new wife might consider having a child. Then after 18 years, you could write a bestseller “Tiger Dad”. :)
If you want to be ‘Drilled into shape” Victoria, you can always join the Peoples Liberation Army (PLA). They’re always looking for a few good men and women!
Party-on and sleep late on weekends. Nothing wrong with this at your age. Some people may forget they did the same, or more when much younger. Sleeping is often considered a hobby for younger girls in China!
My experience of living with a brother, college roommates and ex girlfriends who are lack the necessary skills in the cleaning, cooking department has never been a pleasant experience to endure and put up with. But if you want a woman who sleeps while you clean and cook after her, maybe you should drop Victoria a personal note. ;)